I am a bit of a harebrained dumbass under normal circumstances, but under the influence of Lupron the stupidity is magnified exponentially. I hesitated to share this TMI tidbit with the small, but dedicated readership I’ve developed, but I would be remiss in doing so because Moxie’s Big Stupid for today speaks volumes of this mental incompetence.
Today I had to visit the local monitoring RE for my baseline ultrasound and blood work. As I’m on cycle day 2, I wasn’t too thrilled about it. This morning as I prepared for lower body invasion, I debated on whether or not I should go with my regular menstrual anti-embarrassment strategy of tampon + pad. Not wanting to bother with the messy work of tampon removal in the curtained corner of the exam room, I opted instead to double up on the pads, then absentmindedly set about the chore.
An hour later I bared my bottom in the exam room, groaning with revulsion at the thought of being prodded whilst on my period. The RE (who has the bedside manner of a dead fish) entered, turned off the lights, and began the old poke and probe with barely an introduction. He said nothing as he turned the weenie wand this way and that, then finally let out a brisk "Everything looks good here," and gave me the escalating Vivelle protocol faxed in from my clinic and the lab slip for my blood work. He left as quickly as he arrived. Glad to be finished, I breathed a sigh of relief to Frank as I quickly hopped off the table to dress. Behind the curtain, I did the tampon + pad strategy then rushed to leave the office of Dr. Dreadful.
Frank and I stopped for a late breakfast, where I downed two hot chocolates, three glasses of ice water, and two Sprites. By the time we got home my eyeballs were floating, so I made a beeline to the bathroom. If the previous talk of menstrual matters has not already grossed you out enough to look away, I will forewarn you that the next is definitely disturbing: imagine my shock and horror when I removed not one, but two tampons. I was instantly mortified. I realized that this morning in my sleep-hazed preparations, I had absentmindedly put in one tampon, then another after the exam. Which if you haven’t connected the dots yet, dear readers, means that I was dildocammed with the damned tampon in! Dr. Dreadful had to maneuver around it! The horror. God only knows what that man was thinking. Probably something along the lines of, "I’ve seen many a dumbasses in my day, but this one…." Will Smith can keep I Am Legend. Because I Am Stupid.
Start Vivelle & decrease Lupron to 5 units tomorrow. Next appointment with Dr. Dreadful (sans tampons) is March 15.