I am a bit of a harebrained dumbass under normal circumstances, but under the influence of Lupron the stupidity is magnified exponentially. I hesitated to share this TMI tidbit with the small, but dedicated readership I’ve developed, but I would be remiss in doing so because Moxie’s Big Stupid for today speaks volumes of this mental incompetence.

Today I had to visit the local monitoring RE for my baseline ultrasound and blood work. As I’m on cycle day 2, I wasn’t too thrilled about it. This morning as I prepared for lower body invasion, I debated on whether or not I should go with my regular menstrual anti-embarrassment strategy of tampon + pad. Not wanting to bother with the messy work of tampon removal in the curtained corner of the exam room, I opted instead to double up on the pads, then absentmindedly set about the chore.

An hour later I bared my bottom in the exam room, groaning with revulsion at the thought of being prodded whilst on my period. The RE (who has the bedside manner of a dead fish) entered, turned off the lights, and began the old poke and probe with barely an introduction. He said nothing as he turned the weenie wand this way and that, then finally let out a brisk "Everything looks good here," and gave me the escalating Vivelle protocol faxed in from my clinic and the lab slip for my blood work. He left as quickly as he arrived. Glad to be finished, I breathed a sigh of relief to Frank as I quickly hopped off the table to dress. Behind the curtain, I did the tampon + pad strategy then rushed to leave the office of Dr. Dreadful.

Frank and I stopped for a late breakfast, where I downed two hot chocolates, three glasses of ice water, and two Sprites. By the time we got home my eyeballs were floating, so I made a beeline to the bathroom. If the previous talk of menstrual matters has not already grossed you out enough to look away, I will forewarn you that the next is definitely disturbing: imagine my shock and horror when I removed not one, but two tampons. I was instantly mortified. I realized that this morning in my sleep-hazed preparations, I had absentmindedly put in one tampon, then another after the exam. Which if you haven’t connected the dots yet, dear readers, means that I was dildocammed with the damned tampon in! Dr. Dreadful had to maneuver around it! The horror. God only knows what that man was thinking. Probably something along the lines of, "I’ve seen many a dumbasses in my day, but this one…." Will Smith can keep I Am Legend. Because I Am Stupid.

Start Vivelle & decrease Lupron to 5 units tomorrow. Next appointment with Dr. Dreadful (sans tampons) is March 15.   

15 thoughts on “Dumbass”

  1. Oh dear, I’m surprised that didn’t hurt your cervix! So, how’d you manage to have 2 tampons in, side by side?
    Luckily I never had to have a scan while bleeding, I can’t imagine it’d be pleasant, no matter which end of the wand you were on.

  2. k77, I have no idea how I managed to do that. Yes, they were in side by side and the wand went in further than the tampons did, so it wasn’t uncomfortable at all. I didn’t even feel it! Count your blessings, girl – I hope you never have the unfortunate luck of having a u/s while bleeding. GROSS!

  3. Paige, I’ll be watching your cycle, too! Good luck to us both!
    Amy – thankfully after next week’s visit I likely won’t have to bothered with him again. I would go see the man under normal circumstances with his awful attitude, so I SURELY don’t want to see him now that I’ve embarrassed the hell out of myself!

  4. Yowee! That just sounds like it hurts. In all truth, keeping a tampon in might be normal for some people and he probably didn’t think twice about it (if that helps at all). I’ll be keeping up with your blog to see what happens. Best of luck to ya!!

  5. hehehe thanks for the laugh…I can’t tell you how many drunk women have come into the ER for us to retrieve their tampons…
    HCG 868

  6. Oh goodness, I can just imagine…lol
    But I have actually been told that it’s more common than you think, and the Dr may have even thought you meant to leave it in. No worries, but thanks for the chuckle!
    Good luck to you!

  7. hideaway and Suzie, I’m glad to hear that this is somewhat normal. I don’t feel like quite as big of an ass as I felt Saturday. Sort-of. ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Look on the bright side. At least he wanded you BEFORE you put in the second tampon.
    I’ve done the double tampon thing myself before, but I didn’t have Lupron or alcohol to blame for it. I’m stupid all by myself.

  9. Oh, this is my first visit to your blog, and I had to laugh out loud at your story! I mean, I’m sorry it happened to you, but oh, my. You’d think the doc would SAY something…
    Good luck on your cycle! I’m in a 2ww.

  10. LOL!!! That is crazy! I don’t use tampons at all (that is a whole post in self), but I have seen MANY people in the ER after putting in two…or freaked out they have cancer b/c their S.O. felt a ‘mass’..that turned out to be a tampon. ๐Ÿ™‚ It never ends
    I am sure your RE won’t remember it NOW…well, he might remember it, but just not WHO exactly it was. ๐Ÿ™‚

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