News flash: the world is not designed for infertile people.
This should come as no surprise, seeing as how 90% of the population apparently has no problems in the baby-making department. The schoolyard rhyme doesn’t say First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes infertility and if you’re lucky THEN a baby carriage. For most people, there is a natural assumption that pregnancy will just happen when they’re ready for it and infertility isn’t even an issue until they’re gobsmacked with it themselves. So, it really shouldn’t be so shocking when those assumptions about pregnancy are BAM! – in yo FACE, suckaah, haha, you can’t get pregnant! But. But to an infertile, as innocuous they may seem, some of those perpetuated assumptions can make the skin crawl. Four kids later, this is still one of the things I can’t seem to completely shake off. Take, for example, these two skin crawlers from this weekend:
Friday night on Ace of Cakes Duff and the Charm City crew made a rather unique Georgetown Hoyas bulldog wedding cake. One year prior, they had made the couples’ engagement party cake. At the end of the show, Mary Alice (whose sarcastic wit I find amusing) mentioned that in another year, they would probably be making the newlyweds’ baby shower cake. In that moment, I wanted to tell dear Mary Alice exactly where she could shove her baby cake. I had the irrational thought that the 1-year prediction for a shower cake was a curse that may well have twisted Bride’s tubes or caused Groom’s seminiferous tubules to shrivel up and dry out.
Saturday I found myself somewhat bored and downloaded Dream Day First Home to play. It’s your run of the mill "I Spy" type of game where you have to locate hidden objects from a list in various scenes. This is the third edition in the series, its predecessors being Dream Day Wedding and Dream Day Honeymoon. All three games follow the same slap-happy couple, and in this game, they were working on renovating their new home. Each level passed in First Home allowed access to bonus games, and each win in the bonus games resulted in a gradual transformation of the dirty attic space into some other room. Each of the 12 bonus levels improved the space in some way. First the clutter was removed, then more of it. Then drywall was put up. Then a cheerful yellow paint was chosen and applied. You, dear Readers, no doubt can see where this is headed. I, for some dumbassed reason, did not. It wasn’t until the purple border with moons, stars, and teddy bears went up that it clicked for me. Well cover me in shit and call me a diaper, they’re going to have a baby!
What I would like to see is Dream Day Reproduction Sucks edition, with a hidden pictures scene of a trying-to-conceive-paraphernalia-cluttered bathroom – Find these items: 15 Clomid pills (because your ovaries suck so much that you’re up to 150mgs), a triphasic psych-out chart (those temps looked good for a minute but you knew it was all over once they dipped below cover), hCG trigger syringe, 5 negative pregnancy tests (no explanation necessary). Bonus level: find all the hidden dildocams in the RE Office scene and win a free cycle (with meds included!!!).
Despite being flanked by Jaiden and Jordan (Mommy, I found the thimble!) and Kaelyn swinging from my neck like a Monchichi, I still felt that surge of uncomfortable wrongness upon the realization of the attic’s conversion into a nursery.
Well hey – there goes one just now! Frank and I are watching the premeire of New Amsterdam and the bartender dude just said to the protagonist, "Well, when is it supposed to happen? When you kiss her? When you marry her? When you go to Lamaze with her?" The skin. It’s crawling.
What would happen if for just a day, the tables could be turned on the 90% and they could be the ones left with the skin crawlies? What if every IFer had just the right retorts at just the right moments and actually let them fly instead of biting them back?
You guys have been married for TWO YEARS – when are you ever going to have those babies?
I noticed that you’ve been dieting for two years – when are you ever going to actually going to fit those pants you’ve been squeezing yourself into?
If you just relax, it will happen.
I already am relaxed. Lucky for you, because if I wasn’t, I’d kick your ass right about now.
Why don’t you just adopt a baby?
Why do you ask? Are you putting yours up?
Maybe you just weren’t meant to have kids.
And maybe you WERE meant to just kiss my ass. Pucker up, buttercup.
If I’m even in the same air space as my husband I get pregnant!
If I’m in the same air space as your husband I get nauseous.
Here’s one that’s personal to me. When I got pregnant with Kaelyn, i.e. baby #4, many colleagues naturally had a lot of assclown things to say about it. I’m sure they meant it all in good fun, but geez, did my skin crawl. My favorite was, "Dang, don’t you know what CAUSES that?" as if my pregnancy was the accidental result of a missed birth control pill (HA!). I just smiled blithely and shrugged my shoulders but what I thought was "It wasn’t caused by what YOU think, jack ass. Do you know what causes your stupidity?"
So I ask you, Readers from the IF community – what makes you cringe? A few folks from the surrogacy community read here – what common assumptions and assclown comments most make your skin crawl?