Trigger happy and a little bitch slappy

I haven’t yet heard the results of this morning’s ultrasound, but as of yesterday Mia has 11 mature follicles and several slightly smaller ones that they’re hoping will mature in time for retrieval. She took her last dose of Follistim last night and said that she was definitely feeling her ovaries. Mia has instructions to trigger tonight and retrieval will be Saturday morning. We’ll get the fert report on Easter Sunday and hopefully at that time they’ll be able to tell if we’ll do a 3-day transfer on Tuesday or a 5-day transfer on Thursday. With transfer falling this far after our original tentative dates, there’s no way I’d get a positive early enough to tell Mia and Urs about it before they leave at the butt-crack of dawn next Sunday. That would only be 5dp3dt or 3dp5dt, and even if I did get a ghost line that early like I did with Baby M’s transfer, I don’t feel comfortable enough on the dance floor to go tripping the light fantastic, singing gaily of my ill-confirmed might-be pregnancy.

On one hand, it would have been a thrill to witness Mia’s and Urs’ reactions to the good news. On the other hand, I find myself somewhat relieved that they won’t be here through the heat of the 2ww. I wouldn’t want them here to witness the blubbering puddle of lachrymose defeat that I will become should this transfer not work. So, for all of my hope and sing-songiness these days I hope that you guys are all here to pick the wilted mess of me up off of the floor and help me put the bones back in my body if this doesn’t work this time. Now knock on wood, throw salt over your left shoulder, pray, light a candle, spit three times and hop on your right foot, do whatever else you can to clear the bad hoodoo I just put out there. No more stinkin’ thinkin’.

Empathy – it takes a lot of it to be a good surrogate. I believe that most surrogates have an appropriate amount of empathy. But there are some who I believe think they are empathetic, but what they really feel is pity. You can pity someone without empathizing with them. Pity is not powerful enough for surrogacy. It pisses me off when surrogates fail to have enough empathy to connect deeply to the struggle that led intended parents to surrogacy in the first place. There is a great potential for the journey to seem like a tug of war power struggle. If a surrogate can’t feel, to some degree, the pain and conflicting emotions that come with infertility, they will never be able to support their IPs in the way they need to be supported. If surrogates want a journey that feels more like a business deal I don’t have a problem with that, but I have a HUGE problem with surrogates who paint rosy pictures of themselves to appear like great matches, then flip the switches and completely disregard their IPs’ need for an emotional connection before, during, and sometimes (usually) after the pregnancy.

Surrogacy is not for the faint at heart. You have to be willing to absorb the emotional pain of past struggles and any other damage fate might still have in store for your intended parents. The solitary event of the chemical pregnancy result of my first transfer with Sarah was by far harder on me than my own three years of infertility combined. It was not only my pain that I had to deal with, but also Sarah’s and Paul’s.  I hurt for the intended parents whose surrogates seem out of touch with the reality and depth of the situation. Pain is compounded in surrogacy, and if a surrogate only feels her pain and does not consider that of the IPs, then dammit, she should go sell her pity someplace else.   

Vent over.

Don’t forget – the Mojo Madness Contest is on! There’s good stuff there, some REALLY funny stuff.

7 Comments

  1. Kenya on March 20, 2008 at 11:33 pm

    Speechless..



  2. # 1 Stalker on March 21, 2008 at 1:16 am

    Moxie, I couldn’t agree more with that VENT!! With our transfer in January, I had that fear of doubt when I found out the remaining two didn’t make it to freeze….and who would you guess was a blubbering mess of tears….the strong one who never cries–ME!!
    It takes both a strong and empathic person to go through surrogacy and at that moment I knew why God had put up several roadblocks and lead us to our surro & family. Her arms of warmth held me and supported me through my tears and gave me comfort.



  3. luna on March 21, 2008 at 2:20 am

    I’ll say it again, you are an angel. ~luna



  4. Elizabeth on March 21, 2008 at 8:22 am

    I agree about empathy vs. pity. I hope that retrieval goes well tomorrow and there are lots of eggs for the doctor to work with.



  5. Amy Y on March 21, 2008 at 9:37 am

    Wow! It’s getting so close!
    I agree with your rant, also… I don’t know if I’m there but I like to think I am empathetic rather than pitying… But more than that, I try just to be the optimistic bringer of a new joy 🙂



  6. Carrie27 on March 21, 2008 at 10:47 am

    I’ve got fingers and toes crossed that you get 5 day transfer along with a very positive HPT. We have to repeat last year, because it just won’t be the same.



  7. Megan on March 21, 2008 at 11:43 am

    Mia and Urs are pretty lucky to have you as their surrogate, someone who cares so deeply about their feelings and their struggle. I will be praying for good news for all of you (It would be good news for me, too. I would love to hear about your pregnancy joys and pains as I’m going through mine.)
    P.S.- I haven’t made my first appointment yet. I feel a little paralyzed. I’m holding back on doing anything pregnancy related until I get back the results of today’s blood test (compared to one I had on Wednesday).