This afternoon I tripped and accidentally fell face-first into her struggle to live child-free.

I had no idea. I was stunned silent by the sudden onslaught of her sobs.

"I understand somewhat, more than you know," I finally managed.  "How can you?" she must wonder. The commons area, swarmed with other migrating teachers, was neither the time nor place for me to explain.

What would you do if you were me? What do you wish they would do or say for you, those who trip and fall into your struggle?

I feel wretched.

9 thoughts on “Lost”

  1. if she knows you’re a surrogate, she must know you have some experience dealing with people in similar situations, even if you’re not in that situation yourself. if you are willing, you could offer her a chance to talk about it at some other more appropriate time, over coffee or something? sometimes just a sympathetic ear and open heart are all you can give, but that might be way more than she has now. of course, you have to feel uncomfortable about doing that though…

  2. ok who’s the dumbass now? I thought another *teacher* was opening up to you in the commons. I take it that you were on the phone with mia? duh.
    I still there’s not much more you can say or do but to just be there for her. you’ve given so much of yourself and you must be the most empathetic surrogate. she’s opening up to you because she knows you care about her. I can’t even remember the last person I opened up to aside from M. just you all in my computer. it’s a lonely road…

  3. LOL, neither of you are dumbasses, but you were right the first time, Luna. It was another teacher yesterday that I had that encounter with.
    Mia -who is still in Europe currently- I can handle with no problems. She knows my history so I can talk freely with her when she’s having a rough time without worrying that she thinks I have no idea what I’m talking about.
    This teacher doesn’t know my history. Like all the others, she sees what’s in front of her (the fact that I have four kids) but doesn’t know what’s inside. I froze mostly because like I said, it wasn’t the time nor place, and I felt like anything I could have said under those conditions would have come out sounding more like assvice from a fertile vs. someone who’s been there in some capacity.
    I think I know what to do.

  4. When I was at the doctor’s office on Monday, I had to go to the lab for some blood work. When I was done there, as I turned around to leave, I found myself face to face with a friend from church who recently had a miscarriage. We are not so close that I have talked to her about it, so at the time I thought she was still pregnant, but I found out the next day from a mutual friend about the miscarriage. She, no doubt, was there to have her hCG levels checked, and I was there with my husband with u/s pictures hanging out of my purse. I tripped and fell into her struggle, and know what I did? I smiled, said hi, and then ran away; we’re not quite ready to tell people yet, and based on the look she gave us, I’m pretty sure she suspected why we were there. In retrospect, it was a good thing we took off because if we’d stayed to chat I probably would’ve asked her how the pregnancy was going, but I wish I had known so I could’ve offered some kind of comfort.
    P.S.- Babies and I are doing fine. I’ll post again soon.

  5. Megan, I am sorry for your friend’s loss. It was a good thing that you didn’t stop long enough to get into an in-depth conversation right there at that point. Of course she surely has her suspicion that you are pregnant, but at least there is going to be some time and space between now and the time you are ready to share your pregnancy openly. It won’t make her loss any easier, but maybe it will soften the blow of learning about your pregnancy a bit.
    I’m glad to hear you’re doing well. I can’t wait to read your update!

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