Schizophrenia. Roller coaster. One minute up, the next minute down. Stable, unstable.
I'm better now. Getting there, anyway.
Shortly after posting my hissy fit Mia and Urs called and I was not surprised to hear the same angry consternation in their voices. She asked how I felt, and I said that my heart won't hear what my mind knows is true. That there was still the last strand of maybe that made it feel like it was too soon to stop meds, even though we had every indication that this would end in miscarriage. On speakerphone, I could hear Urs in the background saying yeses of agreement, and Mia uttered the same. They hoped that Dr. Sleepy would call tonight and said they would ask him more specific questions about possibly staying on meds a bit longer and having another beta. The tone of her voice was one of slight bewilderment – the calm before the storm of everything sinking in.
She called again ten minutes later asking if there was any risk to me staying on meds longer. I assured her that there wasn't, at least not in the immediate future. I explained that with betas like ours, Dr. Sleepy's main concern would be an ectopic pregnancy and that staying on meds for a few more days would not pose much risk if that was, in fact, what we were facing. This time, her tone was darkening, her edges beginning to fray with the deepening reality.
Thirty minutes later she called again, completely broken with having been defeated. Again. Another loss. Then my heart broke all over again, just as I knew it would once the ache settled deep enough in Mia's bones. Feeling their pain so deeply is the hardest part of this.
My next conversation was a conference call with Dr. Sleepy, Mia, and Urs. If I didn't already love our RE, I definitely love him now. He explained our situation slowly and deliberately as if we were in kindergarten, which was good, because I surely felt like a petulant, tantrum-throwing five year old who was just told "no" without a reason. He explained the clinical aspects of our low betas in relation to chances for successful pregnancy in almost the exact words I had previously used with Mia and Urs. I had already known the facts before the conference call, but my heart could have given a shit about facts. But the facts from Dr. Sleepy, especially how he said them, spoke directly to my mind, but most importantly to my heart: "As a physician, I feel that your betas indicate a 99.9% chance of miscarriage, unfortunately. I also understand it if you want to give it a bit longer to be sure. We can keep you guys on meds for another two days and repeat the beta on Wednesday, if that feels more comfortable for you." The click of my heart finally catching up to my mind was nearly audible. Not stopping meds now would only be delaying the inevitable.
I heard sighs of doubt and indecision from Mia, then she asked what I thought.
"Mia, I trust in Dr. Sleepy's judgment, but most importantly, I think you and Urs need to be sure. It's my body, but it's your pregnancy, and I am comfortable doing whatever you feel will give you and Urs the closure that you need to be able to move on with whatever comes next."
There was an immediate and grateful "thank you," then more sounds of uncertainty.
Dr. Sleepy also sensed the weight of the question hanging between Mia and Urs and gratefully, he swept in and made the decision for them: "Let's just stay on meds for two more days and repeat the beta on Wednesday. I just want you [meaning Mia and Urs] to be sure. That's what's matters most right now."
Mia's relief was almost palpable, and the gratitude was unmistakable. Sometimes it's better when decisions are made for you.
Dr. Schnorr expressed his sincere condolences for the sad outcome of what just last week had the entire office cheering for us. He said he'd fax in the orders for my beta, then Wednesday we would talk again to discuss the results and our next moves.
As expected, Mia called within a few minutes after the conclusion of the conference call, sounding even more unsettled and uncertain than before. "Maybe with the beta there's just no point. 99%…I don't know…." I encouraged Mia and Urs to sleep on it and in the meantime, I'll stay on today's meds and will wait to hear from them in the morning before taking my PIO. Another small sigh of relief that a decision didn't need to be made in that immediate second. Small blessings – you take them where and whenever you can get them. One word to describe their tone at the conclusion of that conversation – exhausted. Their hearts will catch up to their minds…and I'm glad that Dr. Sleepy has the grace to allow that to happen on their own terms, not his.
"We are blessed, Moxie, and we want that so badly for Mia and Urs, too."
The juxtaposition of the failure and the success is jarring, but in all the right ways.
It makes me want to fight. Harder.
The amount of fight I have inside won't make or break the next cycle, but it does make me want to get up off my ass, stow the tears, have the strength that Mia and Urs may not have for themselves right now, and get ready for Round 3.
You all have been wonderful. This would be so much harder if not for your support.
I have my boxing gloves on. Or maybe my ass-kickin' cape.