This won't be pretty

This morning I was okay. I really was. But I think that was because I mentally prepared for every situation except one.

If the beta would have flatlined, I would have expected it, and I would have been okay.
If the beta would have decreased, I would have expected that outcome also, and I would have been okay.

The bitch increased, but not enough for us to start breathing tentative sighs of relief. Not enough to buy us more time.

Just enough to fuck with us. Just enough for us to question whether it's wise to stop meds as instructed.

Damned the stories of flunky betas that turned into bouncing babies. Damned those scraps of hope that I senselessly, reluctantly, and compulsively can't seem to let go of, no matter how much I want to. Damn my heart, which can't seem to listen to reason as easy as my mind.

239. Two fucking thirty-nine. Nevermind the fact that even if the number had doubled appropriately through the weekend, the 470-ish range it should have been still would have been a bit on the low side for 14dp5dt. Nevermind the fact that the doubling rate of 122 hours is way above the acceptable 48-75 hour rate. Nevermind the fact that our doubling rate is, in fact, slowing down and will probably come to a screeching halt somewhere in the next few days.

The beta went up, and up in terms of betas is usually a good thing. The fact that I've been instructed to stop meds seems contradictory to this, no matter if our "up" wasn't good enough. Fuck the statistics.

It seems like anything going up needs to be given a chance to stop on its own before I speed up the process. It just feels wrong to assume that I know what God chooses to do with this and act on it as if I do.

It's fucked up to feel that something is trying and that I have to give up on it before it gives up on me.

Goddamn it.

25 Comments

  1. Erin on June 9, 2008 at 4:30 pm

    [[hugs]] I’m sorry.



  2. Megan on June 9, 2008 at 4:33 pm

    Oh, man. That is just TORTURE. I’ll keep praying for the best and for sanity for you and Mia and Urs. I hope you can somehow manage to get your mind off of it until the next test (I know that’s a lot to hope for).



  3. niobe on June 9, 2008 at 4:34 pm

    Sigh. You know, in the back of my mind I was actually kind of expecting that you’d get a result like this. Because the universe seems to enjoy screwing us over in every way possible.



  4. Io on June 9, 2008 at 4:39 pm

    Damn. Oh jeeze. I don’t even know what to say. I hope that however this is resolved, that it comes quickly. ::hug::



  5. Moxie on June 9, 2008 at 4:39 pm

    Megan, I have to have a repeat beta next Monday only to make sure the level is going down by then. No need to hold my breath over that one.
    niobe, if I’m truly honest with myself, it crossed my mind, but that’s the one I didn’t entertain long enough to accept. “Surely,” I thought, “this has been enough limbo and I’ll at least be given a clean break.” Oops. My mistake.
    Today I read in a book – God punishes us for what we cannot imagine. I know I’m not being punished, but something in the essence of that statement rings true.



  6. bleu on June 9, 2008 at 4:44 pm

    First off toss that book out, seriously. Don’t even go there.
    Second follow your instinct, what will be ok in your heart.
    I am so sorry for more limbo hell, I have actually been well aware I may be in for more of it after Thursday.



  7. stephanie on June 9, 2008 at 5:00 pm

    I’m so sorry Moxie. That has to be the worst outcome possible. I was hoping for high numbers, not this shit. Do what you need to do. Good luck.



  8. Ashley L. on June 9, 2008 at 5:04 pm

    OMG, that is unbelievable. I am so sorry. I can’t imagine the torture. I understand your hope. I understand everything you’ve written. I want to say that it is still early in the pregnancy and I’ve had an OB tell me that they don’t always double early on. I’ve also heard that they can fall and then spike back up again. I am just so sorry for the conflicting advice, emotions, etc. Why can’t anything be clear cut? Why is it always ‘clear as mud?’ I am angry. You should not have to go through this. You are the most supportive commenter I know. I was just hoping for the great rise today. Fuck.



  9. Motel Manager on June 9, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    This is totally torture — one of my online buddies has had a very similar thing happen to her. And she remains in limbo — she had a u/s at 7w5d, and there’s a heartbeat, but a very low heartbeat. She has another u/s tomorrow, and then the RE is going to “call it” — ie, decide whether it’s viable. The universe is SERIOUSLY FUCKING with infertiles, and I resent it.



  10. Brianne on June 9, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    I agree that anything increasing should be given a chance- thats only fair right? My betas from pg #1 went up similar to yours but did not flatline until 10,600. I thought it would have stopped long before that. Good luck, Moxie!



  11. Paige on June 9, 2008 at 5:32 pm

    Oh Moxie…stupid numbers! How agonizing that must be. I agree that an increasing number is an increasing number. I’m praying that the numbers get better for you. And if they don’t at least you and Mia and Urs can have some peace.
    Thanks for the comments on my blog I didn’t realize what the cold sweats were, I’ll keep up with my blood sugar more.
    Thinking of you, take care of yourself.



  12. Amy Y on June 9, 2008 at 5:41 pm

    I would do the same thing…
    Thinking about you guys…



  13. DC on June 9, 2008 at 6:53 pm

    I am so sorry you’re going through this. I think you should follow your heart. If you feel like you should keep taking the meds and give the pregnancy a chance, then go for it. I’m thinking of you and wishing you the best. *hugs*



  14. deb on June 9, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    I dont know what to say. I hate that this may not work out the way it should. It just sucks that you all have to go through this kind of shit. I cant even imagine how hard it must be. Please know that I am thinking of you Kim. You do what you need to and we’ll keep up good thoughts for you.
    ::LUV&HUGS::



  15. Carrie27 on June 9, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    I’ve been dreading reading your post all day, but sickly obsessing about seeing an update. I didn’t want to read bad news, but I knew it was likely.
    I don’t understand why you and especially Mia and Urs have to be put through so much hell to get the gift they deserve. How much can someone take?



  16. Martha on June 9, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    Thinking of you and here’s a (HUG). I care and always will hope for the best for all of you.



  17. tash on June 9, 2008 at 8:20 pm

    Wow, sounds like something that would happen to me: either end it all, or make it a go, but goddamn, SHOW ME THE MONEY. Not this in-between make you fart around nonsense. I’m so awfully sorry. For all of you.



  18. SAHW on June 9, 2008 at 8:41 pm

    I’m so sorry…it’s hardest when you’re not expecting it, isn’t it? I try to prep myself for all the possibilities, but who would have thought of this…I am still hoping for the best for you guys.



  19. girlh on June 9, 2008 at 10:18 pm

    goddammmmmmit is right.
    i’m having deja vu to when brooklyn girl started with a beta of 14. btw, that baby will be three years old in a few short months.
    i’m so sorry k. i think you have to go with your gut on the meds.
    sending you, mia and urs much strength.
    hoping for resolution soon. ya hear that universe? SOON.
    either let the morning sickness kick in or bring on aunt flo. this inbetween crap is for the birds.



  20. Chas on June 9, 2008 at 10:28 pm

    I’m so sorry you guys are having to endure that. I’ve been in a similar situation, though nothing this prolonged, and it’s a terrible position to be in.



  21. sully on June 9, 2008 at 10:43 pm

    Oh Moxie, I am so sorry to hear this. You and Mia and Urs are all in my prayers. I’m holding out every last shred of hope for you that maybe something is just wonky, but I’m also sending you lots of hugs if that’s not the case. Stay strong.



  22. Michell on June 10, 2008 at 12:42 pm

    I’m so sorry. That truly sucks.



  23. kcmarie122 on June 10, 2008 at 6:43 pm

    Ugh! I’m so sorry the universe seems against you at the moment! Hoping the time goes by fast for you until your next Beta. Hopefully that one will be clearer for you!!



  24. Courtney on June 10, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    I’m so so sorry, just so sorry. I don’t why things have to screw with us once we get to that place that’s suppose to be the “promise land.” You’re in my prayers.



  25. sara on June 12, 2008 at 11:13 pm

    Moxie, I’m so sorry. I hope that things go very smoothly for you physically as things go forward. My heart aches for you and Mia’s family. I’ll keep each of you in my prayers. Again, I’m so so sorry.