What happens when you mix a White girl who thinks she's Black with Black hair care products?

Dear Becky,

Over the years, I have helped you grow and nurture your inner "sista," from those first fledgling days when you asked me what the purpose of a doo-rag was, to the day you meekly asked me, "Moxiemie, what does bling-bling mean?" I helped you break down what is known as Ebonics or Black Vernacular English, and even wrote an entire major research paper on the topic for you while you were with Christian during his two weeks of testing at the hospital. With your lily-White lilt, you can kinda-sorta code switch with the best of us.

We talked about the difference between real and fake hair and how to identify a good half-wig from the real deal Holyfield. I've educated you on the art of styling Black hair. I recorded myself doing my relaxer to feed your fascination with straightening African-American hair and sent it to you. When somehow at work the conversation turned to Black hair care and your boss said she knew it cost hundreds of dollars for "Black people" to get a relaxer, you stood up and were able to vehemently (with appropriate gurrrlfriend neck-rolling and finger-waving) say that you KNEW a relaxer could be purchased for five bucks at the grocery store and could be applied at home because you've seen it with your own eyes.

However. Though I've given your inner sista the name of Bonquisha Keylolo Jenkins, you are, in fact, still just a White girl on the outside – a lesson I'm sure you've learned now that you've tried to apply the hair care products I left there in December to your hair.

I'm off to get my beta now, but this evening after you get home from work, call me and I'll tell you the beauty interventions that will be necessary to strip your hair of the oils that were meant for, y'know, Black folks, and tell you how to restore your hair's appropriate moisture levels.

Loving you in all your Whiteness,
  Moxiemie

For all my regular readers, if you don't click on any other link in the above passage, you absolutely must click on the last one. Poor Becky.

21 Comments

  1. PJ on June 11, 2008 at 10:14 am

    I clicked over there, haha! Bless her heart! Good luck with that!



  2. Jen on June 11, 2008 at 10:34 am

    Oh that’s hysterical!
    I have naturally curly hair and once used an at-home relaxer when I was a teenager. It sure did straighten my hair, but some of it got real thin and stretchy like a rubberband, and then would snap off. But only in one little section. So the results weren’t TOO bad, but I’d never do it again. 🙂



  3. Io on June 11, 2008 at 10:41 am

    Ha! I love it. Of course, I also love to use Dax pomade, which I am fairly certain is not for white girls, on of which I am fairly certain I am.
    My husband is terrified that we will have girls and I will do something terrible and awful to their hair.



  4. tash on June 11, 2008 at 10:44 am

    I haven’t laughed this hard in . . . ages.
    Thinking of you today.



  5. Kenya on June 11, 2008 at 12:24 pm

    Too funny girl!



  6. Jo on June 11, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    OMG!!! she must be my sister or something… My Mom bought some hot oil treatment that was on clearance.. She did not think it would matter if it was for African American hair. I obviously didn’t think so eaither. I have the thinnist, straightest hair in the world and thought that if I kept it on even longer then they suggested, then I would have silky smooth hair. I think trying to get Vaseline out was easier then getting that out.
    Waay too funny.



  7. Elizabeth on June 11, 2008 at 1:28 pm

    Bless her heart! I’m laughing, but I truly am laughing with her.



  8. Kara on June 11, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    She must have taken it down. We have some black hair products in our house. They are for DH’s hair clients but the girls have played with them before. Thank Gawd I was not responsible for fixing that mess!



  9. deb on June 11, 2008 at 2:27 pm

    Holy bejeebers! I am laughing to – but not with her. at her. she certainly needs to step away – slowly…
    Thinking of you during your beta. ::HUGS::



  10. Carrie27 on June 11, 2008 at 3:12 pm

    OMG! Poor Becky! I hope she is able to restore her hair sooner then later.
    LOL!



  11. Barb on June 11, 2008 at 4:59 pm

    Oh my gosh, that is sooooooooo funny.



  12. Betty M on June 11, 2008 at 5:16 pm

    You definitely made me laugh there. I used to be a Dax shoot and neat girl myself but one pot would last a lifetime for my white(ish) persons hair.
    Thank you for coming by my blog as part of NCLM – much appreciated. You are my first surrogate blog. Glad to have found you but sorry to see you are currently in beta hell.



  13. Ashley L. on June 11, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    I think I hear a v*isa “priceless” commercial coming on here…..



  14. Ashley L. on June 11, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    I think I hear a v*isa “priceless” commercial coming on here…..



  15. Kristen on June 12, 2008 at 1:37 am

    LOL! That’s hysterical! I am SO that girl! I have a good friend who has spent long conversations educating me on black culture. Haha!



  16. niobe on June 12, 2008 at 8:58 am

    Omigosh. Now I’m feeling very lucky that, although I’ve certainly considered it, I’ve never actually succumbed to the temptation to try AA hair products on my decidedly-not- AA hair.



  17. Echloe on June 12, 2008 at 10:33 am

    Hilarious. My white friends have only borrowed my shampoo and conditioner. And they even complained about the shampoo being too moisturizing.



  18. k77 on June 14, 2008 at 6:52 am

    Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.



  19. Bonnie on June 15, 2008 at 10:51 pm

    OMG that is HILAROUS!



  20. The Fart Game on August 25, 2011 at 11:29 am

    […] experiment with using my African-American hair care products on her Caucasian persuasion hair here) experimented with the lingering scent value of farts . If you ate a lot of garlic, could you A. […]



  21. Sara on August 25, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    SO funny!