We finally got the beta result from yesterday – it only went up to 278, so we know for sure that this is not a viable pregnancy. I've stopped meds and I have to go back for another beta next Wednesday to make sure the level is going down.
Many people have wondered how I am feeling in the midst of this. Emotionally, I know that I have come through the worst of it. I've made my peace with the hand we've been dealt and I'm ready to move on and finally close this chapter. Of course there are many emotions involved, but guilt is not one of them, which is a common emotion for surrogates in reaction to a miscarriage. I've felt inordinate amounts of guilt as a surrogate back in 2004 as a result of a chemical (positive tests, negative beta), so much guilt to the point that it paralyzed me with fear and I could not continue with another transfer. Thank you, infertility – it was that RE who gave me a full and proper diagnosis of PCOS/IR when I was being screened to proceed with transfer. She said that even with the PCOS/IR I was cleared as a surrogate. It was of no major concern to her that it took so long for us to conceive our children and that we had to do so with the assistance of Clomid. Still, through cycling, transfer, and the 2ww my "new" diagnosis hovered over me like a ghostly shadow I tried to ignore. When the chemical happened, I blamed myself and my screwed up body, and thus began a horrible cause-effect guilt/depression spiral that took more than a year, buckets of tears, and the support of friends overcome.
I've grown a lot emotionally since then. I've come to terms with having PCOS/IR and unlike before, I now know now that it wasn't the cause of that first chemical. It's not the cause of this miscarriage, nor is anything else that I did or didn't do. I know that I did everything I possibly could have for a healthy pregnancy, and I also know that despite all of that, it's not up to me in the long run. It just wasn't time.
How I feel is difficult to describe.The emotional pain associated with this miscarriage is not personal. This is not my future being lost. These are not my dreams being rewritten. The emotional pain I feel is on behalf of the emotional pain that Mia and Urs have to feel. This is their loss, not mine. I hurt terribly for them, but not for myself, if I'm making any sense at all.
Then there is the issue of the physical discomfort, which honestly has me just a little nervous. From what I have read of others' experiences, miscarriages this early don't feel like much more than heavy periods. Still, whatever I will have to endure through the next week or beyond I know will pale in comparison to the emotional pain Mia and Urs have felt and are feeling. Emotional pain is always worse; memory has a way of dulling and erasing physical pains, but emotional pains last and given the right (or wrong) frame of mind, emotional pains years old can suddenly spring forth and hurt with renewed freshness. I must go through the physical pain but Mia and Urs have the emotional pain of the loss; any emotional pain I feel is for what they have to go through. It's like knowing that a close friend is going through a miscarriage and feeling for them and being there for them. This pain that I feel is compartmentalized. I can't think of a better way to explain it.
I am really okay. I can't speak for them, but I think that Mia and Urs are getting through the worst of it, too. They are already in the midst of determining their next steps, which might bring huge changes for all of us. They have a few options and are taking some time to determine which feels best to them. If you could, channel your thoughts positively towards Mia and Urs' next step in the hopes that it's finally what will work for them. We're all looking up and ahead because no matter what they've been through already, they firmly believe (and I do, too), that better, brighter days are somewhere ahead. Leave a little sunshine in the comments, because the three of us are looking to the bright side.