No ordinary pain

We finally got the beta result from yesterday – it only went up to 278, so we know for sure that this is not a viable pregnancy. I've stopped meds and I have to go back for another beta next Wednesday to make sure the level is going down.

Many people have wondered how I am feeling in the midst of this. Emotionally, I know that I have come through the worst of it. I've made my peace with the hand we've been dealt and I'm ready to move on and finally close this chapter. Of course there are many emotions involved, but guilt is not one of them, which is a common emotion for surrogates in reaction to a miscarriage. I've felt inordinate amounts of guilt as a surrogate back in 2004 as a result of a chemical (positive tests, negative beta), so much guilt to the point that it paralyzed me with fear and I could not continue with another transfer. Thank you, infertility – it was that RE who gave me a full and proper diagnosis of PCOS/IR when I was being screened to proceed with transfer. She said that even with the PCOS/IR I was cleared as a surrogate. It was of no major concern to her that it took so long for us to conceive our children and that we had to do so with the assistance of Clomid. Still, through cycling, transfer, and the 2ww my "new" diagnosis hovered over me like a ghostly shadow I tried to ignore. When the chemical happened, I blamed myself and my screwed up body, and thus began a horrible cause-effect guilt/depression spiral that took more than a year, buckets of tears, and the support of friends overcome.

I've grown a lot emotionally since then. I've come to terms with having PCOS/IR and unlike before, I now know now that it wasn't the cause of that first chemical. It's not the cause of this miscarriage, nor is anything else that I did or didn't do. I know that I did everything I possibly could have for a healthy pregnancy, and I also know that despite all of that, it's not up to me in the long run. It just wasn't time.

How I feel is difficult to describe.The emotional pain associated with this miscarriage is not personal. This is not my future being lost. These are not my dreams being rewritten. The emotional pain I feel is on behalf of the emotional pain that Mia and Urs have to feel. This is their loss, not mine. I hurt terribly for them, but not for myself, if I'm making any sense at all.

Then there is the issue of the physical discomfort, which honestly has me just a little nervous. From what I have read of others' experiences, miscarriages this early don't feel like much more than heavy periods. Still, whatever I will have to endure through the next week or beyond I know will pale in comparison to the emotional pain Mia and Urs have felt and are feeling. Emotional pain is always worse; memory has a way of dulling and erasing physical pains, but emotional pains last and given the right (or wrong) frame of mind, emotional pains years old can suddenly spring forth and hurt with renewed freshness. I must go through the physical pain but Mia and Urs have the emotional pain of the loss; any emotional pain I feel is for what they have to go through. It's like knowing that a close friend is going through a miscarriage and feeling for them and being there for them. This pain that I feel is compartmentalized. I can't think of a better way to explain it.

I am really okay. I can't speak for them, but I think that Mia and Urs are getting through the worst of it, too. They are already in the midst of determining their next steps, which might bring huge changes for all of us. They have a few options and are taking some time to determine which feels best to them. If you could, channel your thoughts positively towards Mia and Urs' next step in the hopes that it's finally what will work for them. We're all looking up and ahead because no matter what they've been through already, they firmly believe (and I do, too), that better, brighter days are somewhere ahead. Leave a little sunshine in the comments, because the three of us are looking to the bright side.

33 Comments

  1. Elizabeth on June 12, 2008 at 4:04 pm

    I’m sorry that this pregnancy will definitively end. However, the three of you are SO strong and have such good attitudes that I am sending you the sunshine you asked for. I hope it will help wipe away the past few gray days.



  2. Carrie27 on June 12, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    I definitely see them having a baby in the future, some way some how. Whenever you are feeling up to it, give me a ring a ling and we can meet up and get your butt out of the house.



  3. tash on June 12, 2008 at 4:43 pm

    You explain your feelings incredibly well, and to me they sound completely healthy and reasonable. And you? Like an amazing, compassionate person.
    I’m not one for the sunshine personally, but I predict if they’re working with the smarts of you that they’ll make a good decision *for them* and soon. Take care of yourself. Don’t turn down the pain drugs should you need them.



  4. Megan on June 12, 2008 at 5:21 pm

    I’m so glad to hear you’re not feeling guilt because you shouldn’t. My heart is with Mia and Urs. I know this must be devastating to them, but also I know, from what you have told us of them and because of how much you obviously love them, that they are wonderful people, and I’m sure they will be parents even though it isn’t going to be this time. I will be hoping for that day to come soon because I am currently experiencing first-hand what wonders it can do to relieve the grief of a loss and of the struggle that is IF.
    My miscarriage at 7w6d hurt lots, but I didn’t take any pain meds because until I held the gestational sack in my hand I didn’t believe it was over (ever the optimist when things are going wrong). I agree with Carrie. Take drugs as soon as you want them. There’s no need for it to cause you any more pain than it already has/will (even if the other pain is emotional and vicarious).



  5. Megan on June 12, 2008 at 5:22 pm

    I meant I agree with Tash about the pain meds thing.



  6. Jen on June 12, 2008 at 6:02 pm

    I’m sorry there wasnt a mircale to be had here. I want so much for your next try to be THE ONE that works.
    I started my period on Monday and I was met with hellacious cramps. I thought it would just be a heavy period since the chemical happened so early. But I ended up passing the whole sac. I had never experienced anything like that before…ever. Nobody warned me that it was possible. Immediately afterwards the cramps subsided.
    I hope your pain is minimal. And good luck with the next one.



  7. Mrs.X on June 12, 2008 at 6:11 pm

    For what it’s worth, I think you have struck that perfect balance for yourself – we all ache for your prospective parents because it was their chance. But, it must be so comforting to them to have a surrogate who so obviously cares as well.



  8. Joyce on June 12, 2008 at 6:56 pm

    I liked reading your post, you seem to be a very strong person with such positivity. You amaze me. I’d be quite the opposite and have been, but I could do with some of your strength.
    Take care. I’m sending you some sunshine in a bucket and loads of happy dust.
    (here from NCLM)



  9. Katt on June 12, 2008 at 8:03 pm

    Wow. I’m so sorry that all of you are going through this.
    I am however, looking forward to reading more of your blog and learning more of your story!



  10. luna on June 12, 2008 at 8:21 pm

    kym, I’m so sorry for all of you. thinking of you all and sending mia and urs some virtual love from afar. hope you’re feeling ok. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — you’re an angel…



  11. SAHW on June 12, 2008 at 9:55 pm

    I’m sorry things didn’t work out this time, and I hope they will for Mia and Urs soon. You have an awesome handle on things and seem really together with everything. Best of luck to you all.



  12. DC on June 12, 2008 at 9:55 pm

    I am keeping all three of you in my prayers.



  13. chicklet on June 12, 2008 at 11:08 pm

    Sunshine in the comments eh? That’s tough, cuz it feels kinda wrong to say something fun, but I get that that’s what you want so that’s what I’ll do. Know that there’s some mighty fine wine out there for you, Mia, and Urs, while you wait to start the next time, that will hopefully not allow you any more wine for a very long time.



  14. Sanan on June 13, 2008 at 5:06 am

    Since I come from a completely different culture and society, it took me a quite long time to understand that you are a surrogate mom! I am not very good at expressing myself in English but all I can say is, you have a very big heart and I would like to salute to you. I am honored to meet you through your blog and my best wishes will be with you all the time.



  15. deb on June 13, 2008 at 8:13 am

    I have no words for how sad I am for you all. But sunshine, huh?
    I am laying hardwood with the husband – started yesterday. The thought of that all by itself should make ya cackle like a hen.
    Kim says, “Dont cry for me Argentina”. I say, “Please cry for me and then come help-dangit”



  16. deb on June 13, 2008 at 8:39 am

    dont tease me young lady – where r u located? cause i’m in SC and gas aint cheap!! (LOL)



  17. Io on June 13, 2008 at 9:28 am

    K-Smarty,
    I’m just stopping by with a hug.
    Izzy-o



  18. Amy Y on June 13, 2008 at 9:40 am

    I’m glad you’re Ok.
    And soon, Mia & Urs will be, too. There will be another go, another reason to hope, and eventually… their dreams will come true.



  19. journey to junior on June 13, 2008 at 10:09 am

    i, too, am glad you are okay. you have definitely seemed to carve out your emotional space in all of this. my heart goes out to you, mia, and urs.



  20. Katie on June 13, 2008 at 11:43 am

    Via NaComLeavMo…
    You are an amazingly brave, compassionate wonderful woman. Thank you for making the world a better place.



  21. insane mama on June 13, 2008 at 2:17 pm

    I’m so gld you are not having to deal with guilt, Guilt is one of the worst emotions that you face. Physically, I’m so happy you are OK
    You are the most compassionate woman I hat “met” what a gift you are



  22. Betty M on June 13, 2008 at 3:41 pm

    Looking to the bright side with all three of you.



  23. Kathy on June 13, 2008 at 4:05 pm

    Sending lots of thoughts, prayers and hugs all of your way. (((HUGS)))



  24. Wishing4One on June 13, 2008 at 6:02 pm

    Oh Kim…you know I know how Mia & Urs feel….My thoughts are with all of you and please tell Mia and Urs they are in my thoughts and it will get better soon. Love to you my friend….xoxoxox



  25. M on June 13, 2008 at 7:33 pm

    I am so very, very sorry…..
    x



  26. Kristen on June 14, 2008 at 1:01 am

    I hope your physical discomfort is minimal. It’s SO sweet of you to be so concerned with what they are going through. What an awesome friend you are! I’m sending sunshine your way!



  27. k77 on June 14, 2008 at 6:56 am

    Thinking of M & U, and also of you for the physical side of things. This just sucks.



  28. Queenie on June 14, 2008 at 10:42 am

    I’m so sorry for you all that it didn’t work out this time. . .but that’s why we have tomorrows. For Mia and Urs, the only way through it is through it, but I have every confidence that when you come out the other side, you will be stronger as a couple and you will reach your goal of a family. Good luck to you in making the decisions about your next steps.



  29. Andrea on June 14, 2008 at 2:04 pm

    here’s some sunshine for you all…



  30. DC on June 14, 2008 at 4:24 pm

    Hope you’re doing OK. You’ve been unusually quiet the last two days. I hope you’re just really busy doing fun things with your family.
    Hang in there! *hugs* 🙂



  31. Mel on June 14, 2008 at 5:41 pm

    I am sending a hug to you; and to Mia and Urs.



  32. Becky on June 16, 2008 at 11:41 am

    I’m so very sorry for this.
    *hugs*



  33. May on June 16, 2008 at 4:30 pm

    Damn, I’m sorry. So very very sorry. My thoughts are with all three of you.
    (Ignore my miscarriage – I am Officially Extremely Unlucky. It shouldn’t happen like that).