The omnipresent comment queen DC noticed that I've been "unusually quiet" and asked how I was doing. Well, I'm still in "wait" mode so physically speaking, I feel fine for now.
Emotionally speaking I'm the weird space that I found myself in for a few days after the last transfer failed. It's a complicated blend of feelings for a mother-after-infertility-turned-surrogate to have. The best thing I can compare it to is a survivor's guilt of sorts. Impending miscarriage -> funky mood & sorrow for Mia & Urs -> the best cure for any of my funks is immersion in el Cinco de Mio -> Hey! My kids are funny as hell and I'm so grateful for them making me laugh so hard that snot flies out my nose and I start choking on my spit -> I start feeling a smattering of guilt because duh! – I have kids that make me laugh so hard that snot flies out my nose and I choke on my spit and Mia and Urs only have loss #5 -> and it's not freaking FAIR, dammit!!! -> rage at the fucking unfairness. It's not even a chain reaction so much as it is everything rolling around all at once, with the hugely conflicting feelings of joy and gratefulness at what I have playing at insane odds against what is not had by not only Mia and Urs, but also many of you reading my words this very moment being the two emotions I feel the most.
So what have I been doing these last couple of days besides projecting things from my nose and choking? I've been channeling that rage into something…productive. I've been quiet here but hard at work elsewhere with a couple of other fellow bloggers. There will be a reveal on Monday, ya' feel what I'm sayin', my pimptastic homies?
K-Smarty's out for now, but stay tuned for more details.