Spoke too soon

Late last night I noticed that I had a lot of lower back pressure, then a bit later I realized I had started spotting. I popped some preventative Motrin and knocked back a Mike-arita, sighed morosely, then went to bed.

This morning I woke up feeling like every organ south of my ribcage had unattached themselves and were loosely jostling with every step I took. Even my thighs, knees, and feet hurt – what the shit is up with that? I took a nap and woke up feeling a bit better – or so I thought. I got up to help Frank put away some groceries and my legs wobbled in protest, my back screamed for mercy, and every reproductive organ seemed to flip inside out and drop to the bottom of my pelvis. Lesson learned. Stay flat; gravity is not my friend right now. Got it. Good times, man, good times.

I talked to Mia today, and aside from concern and worry for me, she is doing very well, which was very good news for me to hear. We talked more about the next step and she confirmed that my hunch was correct. The time they are taking to think is less about which choice to make and is more about feeling completely comfortable with the choice they have made. The enlightenment that she's developed from her "new positive way of thinking" (which she calls it), the four frozen excellent-quality blasts, and the reassurances from Dr. Sleepy have greatly encouraged her and are restoring a level of trust in her body. As she explains it, they know they would like to take the chance, but feeling completely confident enough to take that step forward is a process. It hasn't sunk in completely yet, but it's getting there. Proceeding with surrogacy is still an option on the table, but it's not the main course anymore, per se. I am glad for them; once moving on with surrogacy, not many intended parents are given a second chance, so to speak. As harrowing as it may be for them, it's a gift.

Tomorrow will be an emotionally weird place. In the midst of all of this I have to have another beta drawn, and then from there I will immediately switch gears and spend the afternoon at Chuck E. Cheese in celebration of Kyra and Jaiden's 7th birthday. On one hand is the 7 year mark of the end of my struggle and on the other is…the end of the non-pregnancy for Mia and Urs. It will be another day for compartmentalizing.


  1. Io on June 17, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    I hope this pain passes quickly. ::hug::
    I will think positively for both you and Mia.
    So is this it? Are you done with surrogacy?

  2. bleu on June 17, 2008 at 8:14 pm

    Sending love, birthday wishes and hoping the numbers are way down and the pain subsides soon.

  3. Rebel on June 17, 2008 at 9:52 pm

    Awww.. sending you a big bear hug…

  4. tash on June 17, 2008 at 10:17 pm

    Emotionally weird place . . . OR RING OF HELL? seriously, hope you can sneak a ‘rita into that place.
    I’m glad Mia’s doing well, and that you’re good with that. Makes me love you both.

  5. luna on June 17, 2008 at 11:24 pm

    hope you’re feeling better soon. whatever makes you happy, do it. and a very happy bday to the twins!

  6. chicklet on June 18, 2008 at 12:16 am

    You have gone through some crazy crazy stuff, wow. Chuck E celebrating and not – that’s gotta be one of the harder ones. It’s weird that it all ends up being tied so close.

  7. Fiddle1 on June 18, 2008 at 8:21 am

    I hope the pain lessens soon and everything goes as smoothly as it can. Are they planning to monitor your hormone levels each week? I am sorry this is happening.

  8. Sarah on June 18, 2008 at 8:33 am

    Thinking of you!

  9. Jennifer on June 18, 2008 at 9:16 am

    I cracked up when I saw your comment about twins! Cracked up and choked a bit. I highly doubt it’s twins- wouldn’t my betas be in the thousands?

  10. Carrie27 on June 18, 2008 at 10:01 am

    Tell the kiddos I said Happy Birthday! Today will hopefully help you put your mind in a better place, at least for the day.
    It would be great if Mia could carry a baby to full term, so I wish them all the luck in the world.

  11. Wishing4One on June 18, 2008 at 10:37 am

    Thinking of you girl. It will be a great day, really. You know what it will be easy as you have two great ones to celebrate!
    I know I’ve said this before, but I can’t even imagine doing what u do, surrogacy. You are amazing really.
    May God make things easy for you these days…and thinking always of Mia hoping, praying for her to carry her baby full term.

  12. Jen on June 18, 2008 at 3:23 pm

    I’m thinking of you… I don’t envy what you are physically and emotionally going through right now. But I’m here for you… And sending lots of hugs your way!

  13. Jennifer on June 18, 2008 at 4:57 pm

    you are planting ideas in my head! 🙂 I’m just not feeling two though. My gut says one, but I will keep you posted on what we see on Friday. Thanks!!

  14. Calliope on June 18, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    oh man. so so much going on with you.
    sending love and any mojo you need.
    (& seriously SO glad to find someone else that drinks those Hard Lemonade Malts!!! YUM!)

  15. Andrea on June 18, 2008 at 7:58 pm

    sending you lots of hugs and feel better vibes.
    happy birthday to your twins!

  16. Mel on June 18, 2008 at 9:58 pm

    Today, you’re in that weird space. I hope the twins had a fantastic birthday party. Very bittersweet, the convergence of the two events.

  17. sara on June 19, 2008 at 9:27 am

    I’m two days late and a coffee short on reading this, but how are you feeling? Did things improve at all since yesterday on the physical discomfort part I mean? I’m glad Mia is doing okay moving forward, but right now I’m more worried about you! I know you’ll get through this, but it doesn’t stop me from worrying. So I’m sending you a little hug in the meantime, okay?