Happy birthday to my Fantastic Fartknocker

Frank's 33rd birthday

I guess I should say something nice about him, seeing as how today is his birthday. Hmm…I’ll say 33 nice things about him, one for each year of his life. Maybe they won’t all be nice. Some will be things that I just find downright funny or interesting about Frank.

  1. He’s been going bald since he was 22. He cracks on me with short jokes and I crack back with bald jokes. The funny thing is that he didn’t start growing decent facial hair until around that point, either. It seems like the balance of his hair is shifting. The less hair he grows on his head, that’s the more that seems to grow on his face, chest, and weird places like his ears and nose.
  2. I think Frank was a woman in his past life. In addition to cooking, he likes to shop for clothes and he also has a killer eye for interior decor.
  3. Though Frank is rather skilled on the cooking and decorative end, he’s no Mr. Fixit. He absolutely sucks
    at putting things together, and he gets kidded for it almost constantly. Putting
    things together is my area of expertise, but since it’s usually a more manly
    duty, Frank feels the need to meet that stereotype, as if it would
    balance out his eye for decor. “Forget you! I can
    put stuff together without it falling apart,” he quips. That much is true.
    Stuff never falls apart, but it sure as shit isn’t put together right. The very
    desk that this computer sits on is put together all ass-backwards. A couple of years ago Frank
    bought a weight bench set and put a piece of it on backwards, making
    one particular piece of equipment unusable. He didn’t even realize it
    until I pointed it out to him. 
  4. The first thing he ever bought for me was a pack of Nerds candy. He still buys Nerds for me every once in a while.
  5. Ask him what his mission in life is and he’ll tell you it’s “To make the people I love happy. Nothing else matters.”
  6. He usually knows what I need before I need it.
  7. His personality is very laid back and easy-going.
  8. The nuances of his moods are so delicate that at first it seemed like he was always sitting on the same emotional plane. Now I can sense and the subtle shifts in his mood as easily as I can feel the slickness of his ever-expanding bald spot.
  9. He pretends not to watch American’s Next Top Model with me, but he can easily tell you the top three finalists in at least the last four rotations of the show.
  10. He has whole episodes of SpongeBob SquarePants and Jimmy Neutron memorized.
  11. He starts twitching if there is no cake in the house. Thou shalt not have no cake in the house.
  12. He hasn’t gained much weight in the past ten years, no matter how much junk food he eats. Lucky scum. 
  13. He can’t swim, but loves the pool.
  14. He was very talented with playing his trumpet in high school, but hasn’t touched his instrument in more than eight years. 
  15. He spends a lot of time on the computer looking at movie news and previews.
  16. Frank has a knack for renting the worst B movies of all time. 
  17. He’s still trying to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up.
  18. 17 is how old I was when he asked me to marry him (at my high school graduation party). He made a word search grid on my “congrats graduate” card which said
    “Will you marry me” in it. I didn’t see the message but everyone
    crowded around me did. “Someone to Love” by Jon B. and Babyface just happened to be the song that was playing when he got down on one knee and proposed.
  19. 18 is how old I was when he married me. “Someone to Love” was our first dance song.
  20. We were both hit with a mad fit of the giggled during the vow exchange when he was asked to repeat, “I promise to be not only your husband, but your friend and lover as well.”
  21. He sometimes sounds like Scooby-Doo when he laughs.
  22. He screams like a girl.
  23. Pure honey makes him puke. Just the smell of it will activate his gag reflex.
  24. He’s also a military brat and did lots of moving around as a kid. His favorite duty station was Bad Kissingen, Germany.
  25. When he was five and lived in Oakland, California, he accidentally torched the grass in half of the field behind his apartment complex.
  26. He has the patience of a saint. Or Yoda.
  27. Come to think of it, his ears are kinda pointy like Yoda’s.
  28. When we were first starting off, he was somewhat of an emotionally closed off asshole. With that Rico Suave demeanor of his, he managed to do this and still be charming and schmoove. In reference to those days, today he says, “You had no reason to stick with me and love me back then, but you did.”
  29. I say, “I loved you for who you were then, but mostly for the potential you didn’t know you had.”
  30. He says, “I love you for helping me grow to be the man I am today.”
  31. I say, “I love you for wanting to grow.”
  32. He says, “Too bad you can’t anymore. Grow, that is, shorty.”
  33. I say, “The same can be said for your hair, sadly.”

***Edited to add: I’m not the only one who thinks Frank is the shizzle. A couple of weeks ago I tracked down Frank’s close friend from high school, Shanez. It had been about eight years since we’d heard from each other, and today she gave us a call. Frank was so glad to hear from her. Shanez’s blog is linked over in my sidebar – Slade Rocks and a Few Pebbles – and tonight she wrote some sweet words and memories about Frank. Thanks, Shanez! Your words mean so much to him. He said that you just confirmed everyone’s joking that he moves sooooooo sllloooooowwwwllly. Along with his looks, that’s sure as hell one thing that hasn’t changed about him! :o)

16 thoughts on “Happy birthday to my Fantastic Fartknocker”

  1. Stalker to Frank Foods..

    Hey Frank, look you have a Food Stalker!!
    I love your recipes, and will be trying a version of the ribs on my birthday BBQ July 12th. My bday is the 10th..whoo hooo…Sorry I’m not yet in the OLD 30’s….just turning the YOUNG 29. *smile*
    Anyways, enjoy your birthday…and that CAKE. I can’t wait to see mine..I designed it carrot cake (bottom) & red velvet (top)!! YUMM…CAKE.

  2. happy birthday frank! to the fabulous FFF, wishing you all of your favorite things today and always. did you have to make your own cake?
    and I love #5!

  3. LAST summer we finally got HVAC installed. It’s great, except they had to use half of our pantry for the duct work, and we live in a 1940’s house so storage space is at a premium. Anyway, my husband is JUST NOW putting in the wall, so that we can put shelves in. Lemme say that storing your dry goods in a big plastic tub for a year sucks. Anyway, MUCH cussing insued yesterday, and I suspect will continue until it is finished.
    I told him to just do his best. Kinda like I tell my students. ๐Ÿ˜›
    Point is, he is also NOT a fix-it kind of guy. However, he loves to go to Sephora and smell/pick out the colonge! LOL!
    Happy 33rd!

  4. Happy Birthday, Frank! (Is it ok if I now have a small crush on him? Enough to want to come over and maybe share a piece of cake?)

  5. Stalker – I loved the mock-up of your cake! Don’t forget to send me some pictures of the real thing and also some of your birthday bash!
    PJ – how did the shelving turn out? I hope the shelves don’t come crashing to the floor once you put stuff on them!
    luna – the grocery store made his cake. We have an overabundance of cake in the house now, because he made this giant 7-layer cake for the 4th.
    Tash – come on over for cake. We’ll get him to cook for us. I’ll even let you grab his butt if you want too. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Thanks for the info and I will let you guys know how the camera turns out.
    Frank hasn’t changed at all and yes that is a good thing…..does he still take fooooooreeeeeevvvvvvverrrrrr to iron? :0)

  7. Happy Birthday Frank!!!! Ahhhh, my husband started going bald at the age of 19 when I met him. I say the best men go bald early. And Frank – I start to twitch when there is no cake in the house also- you are a smart and wise man who understands that without cake the house is not in balance. I hope you had one kick butt kind of birthday with a lot of cake!

    Frank and my Dr. J have #2 in common.
    And PUH-LEASE tell Frank that I am just tickled by #9 (I watch it, too). Dr. J pretends to hate the show “Jon & Kate Plus 8” but he KNOWS which kid is which, LMAO!
    FRANK ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! (And so does this post!)

  9. I hate him for #12, but #29-33 are totally a conversation we’d have – start off all sweet and cheesy, and turn it into something more fun:-)

  10. Wow, what a treat to read more about the fabulous Frank. He is just so sweet huh? He and you are lucky to have each other. I feel like I know you guys from all your informative posts. Thanks for letting us all into your family. You guys are the best! Happy 33rd Frank!!!

  11. I think Cody and Frank should have a competition to see who really picks out the worst movies! Now, that Cody is home I am regretting setting him to the movie store, especially if I don’t even have one movie I want him to get.

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