I don’t really keep track of how far along I would have been if our first transfer had worked or if had not miscarried last month. However, I’m reminded of those facts on SMO when I run across the due date tickers, ultrasound photos, and belly pictures of the surrogates that I cycled with in March and May. I would have been due somewhere around Thanksgiving with the first transfer and on my birthday with the second transfer. I don’t think I’ll be exceptionally emotional on these days, but there will still be the thoughts of what shoulda, coulda, or woulda been.
About a month ago I was talking on Skype to a blogger who has grown to become a good friend. That day and the two days that followed were the anniversaries of a line-up of tragic pregnancy and loss-related dates for her: surgery for an ectopic, a miscarriage, the loss of a prematurely born baby, and learning of two different pregnancies which also ended in premature delivery and loss all coincided in a wicked crash of a three-day time span. One can never know how she will react to a situation unless she’s experienced it for herself, but I venture to guess that if it were me, each year that three-day span would be enough to send me into a week-long shoulda-coulda-woulda suckhole. I asked my friend if it was harder for her having so many heavy dates slammed together like that and if she thought it would be “easier” to cope if there had been some distance among the occurrences. She replied that on one hand, having the dates compounded like that did make the week difficult, but on the other hand, it was just one week; she had other remembrance dates through the year, and having many of them fall in line helped give some space in the year before the next major date.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about these dates and how different people handle them for various situations. For infertility-related dates or otherwise – how do you cope with the shoulda, coulda, wouldas?