Moxie was here

I considered going to art school, but while the charcoal and pencil sketches in my portfolio had a style that were uniquely mine and showed evidence of fledgling talent, I lacked raw, unbridled ability and my drawings felt forced. If I was meant to be an artist, surely the pictures should have flowed from my pencils just as easily as I breathed air.

I’ve always had a passion for the stage, and what felt forced with drawing felt smooth and effortless with acting. On stage during rehearsal for the Spring musical, a fellow Senior informed me that she had been accepted to a large university and was going to major in Theater. I raised my eyebrows, truly impressed. How brave you are, I thought to myself. I’d been awarded a drama scholarship at a different university but still wasn’t sure if I’d accept. I tottered between Theater and Education. Obviously, I chose Education. I planned to eat after college.

Writing – it goes hand-in-hand with reading and books were always something I had to have, even as a very young child. I was reading on my own by the time I was four, but I didn’t read primarily for the story. I read for the challenge of expanding my vocabulary and for working out the logic and mechanics of phonics. That all changed when I was eight. Mom was reading Skeleton Crew, a collection of short stories written by Former IMen King. “I think you’ll like it,” she said as she handed me the paperback book with its pages folded back. I took the book outside and read in the sunshine on the back porch steps. “Here There Be Tygers” was the tale of a boy who was convinced that a vicious tiger lurked in the shadowy stalls of his grade school bathroom. I don’t remember exactly what happened at the story’s conclusion, but I do remember quite clearly that this was the first time that I was moved by the artistry of the written word. That story scared the shit out of me, and the realization that words could evoke such a reaction was like an epiphany. Ever since then, I’ve studied the writers’ brushstrokes just as much as I’ve followed the stories themselves, and I’ve wanted to find my voice and write. I’ve tried my hand at writing through the years. A short story here, a poem or two there, and a few brief periods of wide-eyed inspiration where I could churn out a piece of written work everyday. Then I’d hit a verbal flatline and not have anything to say. Or have something to say, but be unable to say it well. And they think I should write book? Yes, I’d like to, and of my creative facets this is the one that is most attainable; however, I lack direction, focus, and sufficient conviction in my ability. Write a book? About what? Who would read it?

I’ve always wanted to Be Someone through her art and craft. Someone who left grace notes of inspiration and profound ideas and smiles in her wake. Someone who could get away with wearing ridiculous get-ups like red and white horizontal stockings, an over-sized purple t-shirt, black corduroy short-alls, and combat boots all at once simply because they were her favorite items of clothing. People would turn and say, “See that girl there? She’s one of those creative types, and artistes cannot be constrained with such things like clothes that match. See how she sparkles? She’s a free-thinker, that one, and appropriate clothing might just suffocate the breath of the Muse within her.”

Widespread fame and world domination aren’t necessary. I just want to leave a mark, to be able to point to something and say I did that. Just to have someone outside of the local Cheers know my name and be glad that I came, because I did Something Amazing that many dream of but few accomplish – that would be enough.

14 Comments

  1. SCY on July 22, 2008 at 7:57 am

    I can identify with this post… You say
    “I just want to leave a mark, to be able to point to something and say I did that. Just to have someone outside of the local Cheers know my name and be glad that I came, because I did Something Amazing that many dream of but few accomplish – that would be enough.”
    I personally think you have already accomplished this, by just being you and being the wonderful surro you are…



  2. Sassy on July 22, 2008 at 8:32 am

    I agree with SCY. I think you are that person. Look at this blog. Who needs to write a book?
    You should be proud of yourself. You’re obviously a strong, passionate, intelligent woman. What could be better than that?



  3. dewey on July 22, 2008 at 10:43 am

    Sounds like you’re multi-talented and maybe making your mark in several smaller ways rather than one big splashy one. Still very impressive, I think.



  4. Indigo on July 22, 2008 at 4:51 pm

    I’m from ICWL and would just like to say that I think that post was very well written and I definitely think that through this blog, you are leaving your mark.



  5. luna on July 22, 2008 at 4:56 pm

    I can’t believe you read stephen king at 8 yrs old. that would have scared the crap out of me too.
    I think you already Are Someone. you are a wonderful writer. and you can wear whatever the hell you want, you know.
    if you’re really interested in a book, have you thought about writing about your experience as a surrogate? with all the infertility books out there, I don’t know if there’s one written from the perspective of a surrogate, especially one as open hearted as you…



  6. Bobbie on July 22, 2008 at 5:17 pm

    The quote included in the first post struck me also as I read. Don’t we all want that in some manner and to some extent?
    Thanks for writing such a beautiful, heartfelt post.
    (Visiting for ICLW)



  7. Florencia on July 22, 2008 at 6:14 pm

    Moxie, you write beautifully! I know exactly what you are saying. And I want to thank you so much for your kind, kind comment, it meant a whole lot to me. On account of my mood yesterday, this is my first ICLW comment. I will make sure to come back as soon as possible, your words lift my spirits!
    (BTW, t to school in Macon, GA)



  8. Becky on July 22, 2008 at 6:33 pm

    I leave my mark by literally writing ‘Becky Rules’ all over the place. Just ask my poor husband.



  9. Eva on July 22, 2008 at 7:07 pm

    Hey, I totally can relate to what you are talking about. I have always wanted to leave my mark. It’s not necessary for me to be famous but just to have a small group of folks know that I am an artist on some level. The great thing is that you are doing it. You are leaving your mark through your blog and your surrgacy. I think a lot of folks would read your book. Your story’s intersting.



  10. A Soldier's Girl on July 22, 2008 at 7:47 pm

    I think you have already accomplished that!
    I would love to meet up somewhere in between here & there! I don’t start back until August 18th…how about you? Maybe sometime before we go back?
    Email me at agwarzo@gmail.com 🙂



  11. Arpee on July 22, 2008 at 9:46 pm

    Wow, Moxie, you are supermom!
    I love your post – I think you are already A Someone.
    One of the many proofs I have read in this blog – 15 who chose to confess to you re her pregnancy and to accompany her to confess to her mother. If I were 15, I would chose A Someone who I can trust. And that was you!
    BTW, thanks for visiting my blog.



  12. Io on July 22, 2008 at 10:20 pm

    You know, I can’t figure out how the world at large hasn’t just figured out that I am worthy of widespread adoration.
    And I am also too scattered to write a book. But I have a shitload of first chapters.



  13. thebluestbutterfly on July 23, 2008 at 1:37 am

    You can be…and grow to…the person that you want to be, just do it a little at a time. I figure out more who I am every day…well, almost every day…and this makes me happy. 🙂



  14. niobe on July 23, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    If you never write a book, the world will be missing out on something very special.
    I mean it.