by Mommy Lady ~ guest writer (Moxie’s introduction to this series of guest posts is here)
My darling first born, my guinea pig, my Bodhisattva; I have struggled with what to say in your blog as a response to many of the things you have written. Not because I can’t think of anything to say, but because with each of your memories, my thoughts and feelings are jumbled like the colors of a fallen rainbow.
My thoughts sometime blend and become a dark shade, close to the color black because I am at times forced to remember some of the “not so good times” in my life. But for the most part, the colors of that fallen rainbow bathe in the richness of its colors.
I am so glad I was and still am the type of mom that sought you and your sisters out to act as an audience with me, as we watched clouds take shape, incandescent bugs trek along the sidewalk, a majestic sunset or sunrise, and the awesomeness of a rainbow. Each color can clearly represent and emotion to match the memories I’ve been having lately as I read your posts.
Your post “Moxie was here” jolted me out of the haze of swirling colors and drove me to hit the word doc button and put my thoughts where they need to be. My thoughts will flow and may jumble themselves. This post may be long, but like the lyrics in Deacon Blues: “I cried when I wrote this song/ sue me if I play too long.”
Red: This is the color of energy and enthusiasm. Red symbolizes passion, energy, vibrancy, and success, courage, loyalty, honor, love.
Moxie, you have shown your love for all that “belong” to you and those you allow into your inner circle. I know that you get frustrated with how things are with Chanel, but it’s your love for her in spite of everything and your love for TJ that lead to your decision to take him as your own. I realize it’s difficult at times and I do understand your feelings. It also takes courage to make such a choice.
You also give yourself little credit for the courage it takes for you to enter the journey into surrogacy. I could and would have done it for you if all things had failed when you were trying to conceive, but I don’t know if I could have gone through all that you did for the sake of someone else.
When you first told me you were going to become the “brown pitcher,” I had mixed emotions. When the first journey failed and I saw the emotional toll it took on you, I didn’t want you to do it again. But when The Meatball was born at the end of your second journey, I knew it was well worth it.
Meeting Mia and Urs, your third intended parents, and seeing their desire to have an open surrogacy was a time of accepting more “family” members into our clan, as we’ve done so many times before with so many others. We saw a rainbow; I dreamed and wanted so much for it to become a reality, not only for Mia and Urs, but for all of us. They had become a part of us and in that, I felt sadness and a profound anger when you miscarried. At what or who – I don’t know.
It takes courage to defy the odds the way you do. It takes courage to walk into your classroom each day and teach with honor, passion, and belief that children can be successful. It takes courage and loyalty to others to be there for them when no one else is.
I had forgotten all about the incident with Ann and when I read your post, it was one of the times I felt a blending of the colors. I saw and felt the same darkness I felt through that night. When I took Ann’s baby boy and put him in his crib, I remembered with sadness my miscarriages. I remembered the loss between Chanel and Dani. It was the first ultrasound I had ever seen, and I knew in my heart the baby was a boy. His loss was my third miscarriage. The post about Ann also reminded me of the time I miscarried Dani’s twin and a certain someone was nowhere to be found. I came home against medical advice because I had you and Chanel at home plus one (remember the little boy I was keeping so his mom could complete her Air Force basic training?).
It wasn’t until read your post that I knew what it took for you to be there because you never told me you were having all of those feelings. It made me angry that you didn’t allow me the chance to help see you through it. I felt as if you suffered in silence and you didn’t have to walk that path alone, but walking alone takes courage in and of itself.
You love and are truly loved by all of the lives you’ve touched, whether it’s someone that has read your posts and gained encouragement or insight, your family and friends, and those critters you reach out and touch 180 days of the year.
Cowardly Lion: Read what my medal says: “Courage.” Ain’t it the truth? Ain’t it the truth?
The Wizard of Oz: And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.