Somewhere Over the Rainbow – Yellow

by Mommy Lady ~ guest writer  (Moxie’s introduction to this series of guest posts is here)

The color yellow is vibrant in itself being close to the
color of the sun. Yellow also means
something bright and happy and the usage of this color is know to bring about a
proper clarity of thought in a persons mind and also improve the decision
making skills.

Happy Feelings
in the air!  Our song, my song, your
song. Frankie Beverly and Maze was
singing it when they told me I was pregnant with you. Your name, Soncera (Sun-See-A-Ray), means “ray of
light.” You were my light in a time of darkness and profound sadness because I lost my
first child before I knew I was even pregnant. 
A month later I was getting a checkup and they told me I was
pregnant!  Happy feelings in the air,
indeed!

I called my
mother and the first thing out of her mouth was, “You’re not coming home with a
baby; your sister is already here and pregnant!”  I wanted to tell her my good news because one
of the last conversations we had before I went to Korea was a discussion about doctor telling me that I would probably never carry a baby full term because
of all of the things that weren’t right with my baby-making equipment.   

For starters, my
uterus is tilted backwards, I have a low hormone count which brought about irregular
ovulation cycles, and to top all of that off, a weak uterine lining that would
make it near impossible to carry full term. 
As the doctor put it: “There is a slim to none chance an embryo can attach
to a strong part of the lining. The odds
are too great that you will miscarry repeatedly.” 

Well, dammit – I
bet those odds not once, but three times. Each time it was difficult and I had major problems carrying each of you
and as I look back at those times, I am amazed at what a woman is willing to
and does go through to have a baby against the odds.  Before and after each of you, I had
miscarriages; four in all to be exact. 
We didn’t have the medical technology 30 years ago that we do today; therefore, I
believed what the good doctor said. She was only telling me the truth as it
was. 

You were my
happy feeling, my light out of the darkness. I refused to take any medication in sickness because I wanted to make sure there would not be any
problems.  I dressed you in yellow a
lot.  You called it “lellow”.  Happy smiles for all that you met was the
way you were as a baby. You knew few
strangers and when you did have a negative reaction to someone, they were
disliked by me automatically. I knew even
then that you could feel or maybe even see a person’s aura. 

You made decisions that I
thought were insane. Your decision to
marry Frank at such an early age scared me because I felt you hadn’t
experienced life yet, before being “tied down” in marriage. 

When you first
told me you wanted to be a surrogate I didn’t understand it until we had “the
talk” and you told me why you felt you needed to do it.  I understood, accepted it and supported you
all the way.  The fears I had were no
less than if you were carrying my grandchild. 

Some of your
decisions created some of my most intense moments of unrest.  Like your decision to go to GSU. Though you
ended up not going, that one was a killer to me because you were so young. I saw visions of you in the mist of wild
parties, wild sex, and if they had “Girls Gone Wild” I would have been thinking
someone would call me one day to say, “Guess who I saw on a DVD today?”  Not that I didn’t trust you per se, but I just
remembered what I did in the name of sowing my wild oats. 

When you were
younger, you made decisions that I knew were wacky but I respected them – like having a
snapping turtle for a pet (yes, I know I found him but you kept him), like
the bag of frogs in the living room when I came home from work, or the decision
to get a chemistry set rather than a new doll. 
Let’s see, there was the time you decided you wanted to chew the same
piece of gum for months just to see how long you could keep it.  Ugh!

Most importantly, you have made
decisions that have really changed the lives of others. They were done with
clarity and at times it meant self sacrifice. 
I admire and respect you above and beyond how most mothers respect their
daughters.  You are and will always be my
real first ray of light in a world that seemed so dark to me at times.

 

Dorothy: Come on, Toto! Oh, what’ll I do? If we go home, they’ll
send you to the sheriff, and if
we don’t, Aunt Em may –well, she may die! I know what I’ll do – I’ll give you to
Hunk.

Dorothy and Toto

 

Cowardly Lion:  All right, I’ll go in there for Dorothy.
Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch, guards or no guards, I’ll tear them apart. I
may not come out alive, but I’m going in there.

Rescue dorothy

 

The Wizard of Oz: I hereby decree that until what time —
if any –that I return, the Scarecrow, by virtue of his highly superior brains,
shall rule in my stead…assisted by the Tin Man, by virtue of his magnificent
heart…and the Lion — by virtue of his courage!

 

The Wizard


5 Comments

  1. Echloe on July 23, 2008 at 1:30 am

    Dear Mommy Lady,
    Thanks for sharing your journey with the blogosphere. You are a true success story.
    ICLW



  2. luna on July 23, 2008 at 2:15 am

    kym sent me a copy of that song when we were both cycling — me still trying for my first, and she for mia and urs. it was such a sweet kind gesture, made all the more wonderful knowing the story behind the song.



  3. Kari on July 23, 2008 at 12:17 pm

    this post had me in tears! I can only wish to have a mother that thought of me the way you do of Moxie. Your words broke my heart, my mom and I were best of friends up til about 5 years ago, now we hardly talk and she wont even enter my house when she comes to drop off or pick up my little sister. Hold on to each other dearly, you do not want to loose that!



  4. Enrico on July 24, 2008 at 6:05 pm

    Heros are really around us. Life is made of those little big things that makes it a wonderful journey to share with the people we love.



  5. bleu on July 24, 2008 at 11:26 pm

    What beautiful words and memories. You are lucky indeed to have such a daughter and you Moxie to have such a mother.