Why on Earth would you have assholes for kids? I’m sure you could find plenty of other things that are more appropriate to have for kids. You could have toys and games and books for kids. A nutritolicious lunch, perhaps, with high fiber and no trans fats and a double dose of calcium would definitely be good for kids. But assholes for kids – nuh uh – those won’t work. They won’t play with them, and I can guarantee you that they won’t eat them.
Now if, in fact, what you really meant by your inquiry was “What to do when my kids are assholes,” that’s an entirely different thing. And oh so not special. Whose kids aren’t assholes? That’s what the whole business of being a kid is about! Even the brainy, mild-tempered, cheek-pinchable darlings have random, mad streaks of assholishness here and there.
One day you might be having a lovely chat with your mother-in-law over a cuppa tea. You look up just in time to see your two-year old whiz through the kitchen at warp speed with the string of condoms she found nestled between the mattresses, and she’s whipping them overhead like a latex, ribbed-for-pleasure lasso. Only an asshole would do something like that.
Maybe you’ve taken your children to an all-day high school marching band competition. Your oldest son is just over three and he’s thrilled with having reigned his bowels under his control. At his request, you’ve trekked down the bleachers four times in the past thirty minutes to take him to go potty. Twenty minutes go by without another pee break, so you settle back to observe the current show, assured that your son is now content to play a few rows below you with his twin sister. As the next performance begins – a fiery Latin show – you glance down for a kidcheck and realize that your son is now halfway down the bleachers. The company front of trumpets and other high brass instruments are wailing fortissimo con fuego, so you yell to be heard above them – “Son! Get your butt back up here!” He stops in his tracks and as if on cue, the band hits a sforzando, bringing their blast to a sudden shushed pianissimo. In that quiet moment, your son answers your yell with one of his own – “BUT MOM, I GOTTA GO POOP!” The dance team and parent chaperones sitting in the surrounding bleachers erupt in hand-covered giggles as they turn and look up, and you can only sink your head into your knees. Ass. Hole.
Or, you’re in the local mega-mart-with-a-capital-W, accompanied by your 5-year old daughter. You’re in the hair care section selecting new barrettes for her when further down the aisle, she pipes up and says, “You should by a box of this perm because your hair is kinda nappy.” Everyone within earshot casts glances in your direction, obviously assessing that yes, your hair is quite overdue for a straightening relaxer. Need I say it? Assssshole.
It could be that your other son – the one they call angelic – has suddenly refused to remove his own clothing even though he is nearly four and is more than capable of doing it himself. He moans in agony, wails, and sobs until snot runs in slippery streams down his lips and chin. He scream-choke-cries himself into hyperventilation. He follows you around the house at a tortured snail’s pace until you relent and remove his clothing for him. He’s playing you. This continues for three weeks and only comes to an end after you devised and enacted a plan to break him of these ridiculous tantrums. Should it have come to this in the first place? No – but he’s a kid, and that makes him an asshole. A stubborn one, at that.
So you think your kids are assholes. So what? It’s inherent in children’s nature to have asshole tendencies. They don’t know any better. Don’t act like you don’t remember being an asshole yourself. Parenting is all about how to extract said assholishness and shape your children into…well…non-assholes.
Look – I don’t really believe that children are assholes (most of them, anyway). The reality is that parenting is tough. Gird your loins tough. No matter how much you prepare yourself for it, you end up still flying by the seat of your pants with not much more to go on than a wing and a prayer. It’s a challenge and they the are challengers. So when things get so tough that you start wondering if you’re raising your children to be assholes, just remember that no one said it would be easy. You are not alone.
One last thing – you’ve seen Nanny 911 or Supernanny, yes? If your kids act like those kids, I regret to inform you that the kids are not assholes. You are. Grow a set and get control, or else one day you might find your children Googling “what to do if you have assholes for parents.”