Mia’s sonohysterogram went very well. The pictures and results were faxed from her doctor’s office in Europe here to Dr. Sleepy. It wasn’t long before Cari, our nurse coordinator, emailed Mia with the excellent news that her uterus is strong and healthy. I felt myself exhale a huge breath of relief. This is the wonderful news that we have waited the past month for. That said, allow me to indulge in a personal pity party for a moment:
3 amazing sets of intended parents
3 fresh IVFs
1 mock cycle
1 chemical pregnancy
1 full-term surrobaby, Baby M
And here I go again. My ad has been submitted – again. My profile has been updated – again. I will compulsively stalk my email for responses – again. I will match, screen, settle contracts, cycle, transfer, wait, hope, pray, and hold my breath again. I have that familiar feeling of watching everyone seemingly fly ahead with ease while I start over from square one – again. *coughsputterhackgaspblech* —> that was me choking on the dust I’ve been left in. Again.
I knew this moment was coming and despite how I make it sound, I am not sad. It’s more that this is the sigh between one moment and the next, the out with the old and the in with the new. It’s observing the fact that I have to sigh like this – again. It’s feeling again that what comes so easily for others takes repeated attempts, more time and effort, and an imbalance of success and failure for me. It’s the false start of running full speed, coming to an abrupt stop, then gasping for air as I again drag myself to the start while everyone keeps pushing ahead.
I am ready. As our surrogacy roads diverge, Mia and I are both feeling excitement at the prospect of starting our new paths, but we are also each left with the same, somewhat redundant question – when will it be our turns?