Lather, rinse, repeat

Mia’s sonohysterogram went very well. The pictures and results were faxed from her doctor’s office in Europe here to Dr. Sleepy. It wasn’t long before Cari, our nurse coordinator, emailed Mia with the excellent news that her uterus is strong and healthy. I felt myself exhale a huge breath of relief. This is the wonderful news that we have waited the past month for. That said, allow me to indulge in a personal pity party for a moment:

4 years
3 amazing sets of intended parents
3 fresh IVFs
1 FET
1 mock cycle
1 chemical pregnancy
1 m/c
1 full-term surrobaby, Baby M

And here I go again. My ad has been submitted – again. My profile has been updated – again. I will compulsively stalk my email for responses – again. I will match, screen, settle contracts, cycle, transfer, wait, hope, pray, and hold my breath again. I have that familiar feeling of watching everyone seemingly fly ahead with ease while I start over from square one – again. *coughsputterhackgaspblech* —> that was me choking on the dust I’ve been left in. Again.

I knew this moment was coming and despite how I make it sound, I am not sad. It’s more that this is the sigh between one moment and the next, the out with the old and the in with the new.  It’s observing the fact that I have to sigh like this – again. It’s feeling again that what comes so easily for others takes repeated attempts, more time and effort, and an imbalance of success and failure for me. It’s the false start of running full speed, coming to an abrupt stop, then gasping for air as I again drag myself to the start while everyone keeps pushing ahead.

I am ready. As our surrogacy roads diverge, Mia and I are both feeling excitement at the prospect of starting our new paths, but we are also each left with the same, somewhat redundant question – when will it be our turns?

22 Comments

  1. Aunt Becky on July 30, 2008 at 9:37 pm

    Oh, Kim. I’m sorry.



  2. nancy on July 30, 2008 at 9:47 pm

    Wow. That last sentance really made me think. The fact that both you and Mia are now asking the same question again.
    I still think you are a badass. Surrogacy is something I would totally do, now that I understand the trials and tribulations of my fellow IFers. It’s sad that not only am I too old for it now (is there an age limit?) but my stupid uterus is exactly that – stupid. 4 uterine surgeries to remove scar tissue and my lack of lining wouldn’t make me a candidate. I’m a pro at making eggs and along with my hubby’s sperm, embryos. It’s the sticking that I have the issue with. And that makes me sad I can’t help anyone else.
    Can I ask a personal question? Will the m/c and chemical pregnancy reflect negatively on you being chosen again? I apologize if that sounded crass. I don’t know how the process works – I don’t know if that information is even given out. Nor do I even know the cause of the m/s and chemical. I was just wondering if the failures the others felt when it happened ended up being a type of loss to you personally too.



  3. JuliaKB on July 30, 2008 at 9:56 pm

    Best of luck to both of you on your now separate roads. May the joy of success visit both of you, and soon.



  4. Intending To Be Parents on July 30, 2008 at 10:06 pm

    Moxie, I’m so sorry! The fact that you want to help someone else out like this is really incredible, and I’m sure you will quickly meet another great couple out there who really needs your help. The fact that you had 1 surrobaby is an amazing gift you gave to someone else that changed their lives forever.
    If it helps at all to know this, our (incredible) surrogate has had 11 transfers and 1 surrobaby – embryos just aren’t always good quality and that is hard to control, so negative results and miscarriages do happen. We are couple #3 and I am incredibly optomistic about this working – she doesn’t give up easily and it doesn’t sound like you do either!
    I’m sure you are not going to have to compulsively stalk your E-mail for long 🙂



  5. Moxie on July 30, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    Nancy, that’s a very good question, and it is not crass. I am always happy to answer any questions that anyone has about the surrogacy process. There are two ways to answer that question. Technically speaking, the chemcial and m/c do not reflect poorly on me, since in both cases we were dealing with known egg and/or embryo quality issues. The chemical resulted from a transfer of 4 mediocre/poor 3-day embryos. Now for the m/c that I had in June, two blasts were xferred and though they looked good, given Mia’s prior stim and embryo quality history, we only had a 15-25% chance of bringing a pregnancy with her eggs to full completion.
    Subjectively speaking, though, some intended parents are looking for surrogates with a stellar track record. If everything else was equal between myself and another surrogate who only had two transfers which both resulted in two full term babies, she definitely would have an advantage over me even though my losses had nothing to do with *me*, per se.
    Though we know that my body was not the culprit behind the losses, I still fully disclose my entire history. All surrogates should bring everything to the table so that the IPs can consider all information and make what they feel is the best decisions for them.
    So really, whether or not it affects me negatively depends on potential IPs’ comfort levels. A clinic or RE likely would not count those losses against me.
    Even if you can’t be a surrogate, just the fact that you have it in your heart says so much about you. I think you’re pretty bad ass yourself, Nancy. Especially with all those tattoos. You look like you could kick some major arse. 🙂



  6. Pam on July 30, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    That’s great news for Mia, although somewhat bittersweet for you. It’s obvious you really wanted to take this journey with them. Hopefully you’ll keep us up to date with how Mia’s cycle is going as we follow along with you and your next IPs. Good luck, Moxie and Mia!



  7. Moxie on July 30, 2008 at 10:21 pm

    Thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement, Intending. God bless her for going through so much. I also know of other surrogates who have gone through far more failures than successes. Prayerfully, your surrogate will only have one more transfer before she delivers her second surrobaby – YOURS! 🙂



  8. Moxie on July 30, 2008 at 10:26 pm

    Pam, I’ll definitely keep everyone up to date on what happens with Mia’s cycle. She’s going to travel back alone for the FET and Urs will be staying behind in Europe to take over her classes while she is away. I’m going to be there with her during her transfer. 🙂



  9. Ann on July 30, 2008 at 10:32 pm

    I wishing you and Mia and Urs so much success in the next cycles for each of you. I’m glad you’ll keep us all up to date on Mia, partly because it means you’ll be keeping in touch with Mia and Urs, and from all of your posts, it was clear that you had such a good connection. I can see how this is would be a little bittersweet.



  10. nycphoenix on July 30, 2008 at 11:09 pm

    if my problem was my uterus and not my eggs i would totally do surrogacy with you.



  11. MomMega on July 31, 2008 at 12:29 am

    Hi Moxie,
    Thank you so much for visiting my blog. I am completely blown away by your story!! I am anxious to read more and am happy to begin devouring your archives!



  12. Miss W on July 31, 2008 at 12:46 am

    Sorry that you have to go through the search again — but hopeful that things work out for Mia and Urs!



  13. anymommy on July 31, 2008 at 2:51 am

    I’ll be waiting breathlessly with you to see whose story you become a part of next. I can only imagine how hard it is to start at the beginning when you worked so hard with Mia and Urs. I am eager to hear the next phase in both your journeys. You both have a lot to be excited about.



  14. Amanda on July 31, 2008 at 3:26 am

    Hi Moxie, thankyou for your kind words, I don’t know your history but I’ll read your blog and catch up. I hope your hopes and dreams become a reality.



  15. Erin on July 31, 2008 at 8:10 am

    [[hugs]] I know the feelings you’re having well. I’ve had:
    6 years
    4 sets of IPs
    2 failed transfers
    1 blighted ovum
    2 chemical pregnancies
    No successful birth
    If it hadn’t been for my successful egg donation, I would have left this surro-world long ago! My only hope is now that as a TS, my luck has finally arrived.
    Best of luck in your IP search!



  16. tash on July 31, 2008 at 9:02 am

    Wow Moxie. I’m thrilled for Mia, and a bit excited for you too actually, although I understand it must be rough to close that particular door. Not to mention watching the both of you, both with baited breath.
    Wishing the best for Mia (will you be kept appraised of her attempt?) and obviously, for you and your future IPs, too.
    Sorry I’ve been absent — vacay and ‘rents are kicking my online ass. yeesh.



  17. Carrie on July 31, 2008 at 9:34 am

    That’s great news for Mia!! I hope that this is it for them.
    I know you will find another great set of IP’s and bring them the one true joy they are missing.



  18. Amy Y on July 31, 2008 at 9:51 am

    Great news for Mia! I wish her a successful pregnancy and can’t wait to hear more.
    I know the process of finding a match is not easy but I am confident that you will find a great set of IP’s to work with. Lord knows there are plenty that are on the search for such a fine lady like you to help them create a family!



  19. Shanez on July 31, 2008 at 10:52 am

    WOW. How great for her and I know bitterwsweet for you. I am sure that your support through all of this will help her. Thanks for the reminder ICLW.



  20. Kari on July 31, 2008 at 12:04 pm

    I am so excited for Mia, what great news for someone who thought they couldn’t do this themselves. I wish her the best of luck and know that you will keep us abreast to her progress, hint hint, we need to know, lol
    As for you, I know that it takes some time to get things in order and get on to another journey, but i have all faith that you too will complete another journey for another wonderful set of IP’s. It would have been great to have shared a journey with you, but it didn’t work out that way for either of us last time. I am really praying to be prego before you, no offense, but we will transfer in sept or oct and it better work this time damnit!!! YOu will get there!!!



  21. sara on July 31, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    I’m so glad that Mia had a great report, and I am so looking forward to hearing how her FET goes. Moxie – any couple who happens to come across the chance to share a journey of surrogacy with you is one lucky couple. I know that there will be a couple ahead who realizes that, just as I’m sure Mia and Urs has. Heck if I hadn’t been able to get to where we are now, I would have been honored to share that journey with you. Knowing you it would have been the biggest blessing thus far. ((hugs))



  22. Shea on July 31, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    Moxie – anyone in the future who starts this process with you is blessed from the very beginning. You are an amazing woman and bring tons of joy to those around you! Good luck lady!