Conversation with my scale

Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: Long time, no see.

Me: Yeah, whatever. Just give me the damage.

Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: … … …

Me: Hello?

Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: I'm still thinking…it takes a while to count that high.

Me: Shut up. Are you finished yet?

Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: Maybe I'd be able to think better if a.) you quit talking to me and b.) if I wasn't so squished.

Me: *sigh*

Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: 191.0 lbs

Me: Surely, you jest.

Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: Do I look like I'm laughing?

Me: Maybe I should go pee.

Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: Like THAT's going to make a difference.

Me: I'll take off all my clothes, too.

Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: Why couldn't I have been made into something else like a toaster? Or a gun.

Me: *peeing, stripping*  Keep it up, and I'll shove you in the garage with the spiders and go back to using your antiquated cousin, Mr. Needle-Point-to-the-Weight.

Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: Promise?

Me: Okay, weigh me again.

Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: The view from here is scary. Put your clothes back on.

Me: Well, hurry up and weigh me, then.

Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: 188.8

Me: SUCCESS! I already lost more than three pounds.

Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: I hate my life.

Me: So. I don't like you, either. And you have a stupid name. And yo' mama's a handheld fart detector.

Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: I really hate my life.


  1. E on August 25, 2008 at 3:16 pm

    I don’t know what’s more disturbing — that there’s actually a product that DETECTS FARTS (?!) or that it’s out of stock on that website. Terror.
    Speaking of terror, I hear you on talking to your scale. I only weigh myself buck naked, the second I wake up, after I pee. And if I don’t like the results, sometimes I try again right away and try to stand more ‘lightly’.

  2. nancy on August 25, 2008 at 3:50 pm

    okay, i’ve had the same conversation with my health-o-meter digital scale. And yes, it’s a health-o-meter also. heh. I guess they ALL think they are funny.
    By the way, I know you didn’t respond to my “please give me your url so I can add you to my reader” plea, but damn it, I added you anyway.

  3. Nikki on August 25, 2008 at 4:06 pm

    LOL – I think there are a lot of us having similar conversations these days. I weighed myself on my home scale, and it looks like I lost 1 lb. One measly lb. But I’ll take it. And then, to make myself feel horrible again, I went and climbed on the gym scale this morning again. The good news – 1lb less there also!! But I’m not giving up Moxie – I’m going to keep at it till I feel sexy šŸ˜‰

  4. luna on August 25, 2008 at 6:03 pm

    that’s why I don’t even have a scale. the voice in my head is plenty.

  5. Amber on August 25, 2008 at 6:45 pm

    I too will only step on the scale while completely naked, after peeing, before eating and before showering (as I’m sure wet hair would add some serious pounds). It’s always a huge shock when the scale at my RE registers a much, much higher (fully clothed and pee-filled) number.

  6. Io on August 25, 2008 at 6:52 pm

    Yeh, I have to do it nekid. After I pee. In the morning before I have eaten or showered.

  7. Amy on August 25, 2008 at 7:16 pm

    Hilarious! Especially considering I have similar conversations.

  8. PJ on August 25, 2008 at 8:47 pm

    I think our scales are quite possibly related.
    I’ve ignored mine for a while now. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

  9. Carrie on August 25, 2008 at 8:56 pm

    I am on the same page as Luna. No scale for me, I don’t need to stress about it even more then I already do.

  10. Aunt Becky on August 25, 2008 at 11:28 pm

    Happens every time I get on the scale. Mine laughs loudly.

  11. anymommy on August 25, 2008 at 11:41 pm

    Hand held fart detector. That is awesome. I will so be using that tomorrow.

  12. The Muser on August 26, 2008 at 2:11 am

    I just discovered your blog through ICLW. I’ve never struggled with IF, but have a good friend who did and so ended up reading blogs through her. I really appreciate your (and others’) willingness to share your journeys. I know it is great support for people who do struggle with IF, but it’s also so helpful for those of us who don’t but want to support loved ones who do to be able to read these stories and get a bit of a better idea of what it’s like and how to be there in some way…Thanks. Oh, and 4 kids and teaching Middle School–wow! You seriously rock!

  13. Shaz on August 26, 2008 at 5:56 am

    Haha, love the part about the hand held fart detector.
    Here from ICLW…

  14. andy on August 26, 2008 at 6:38 am

    OMG that is too funny! i think your scale is related to mine!!!

  15. Julia on August 26, 2008 at 9:01 am

    I refuse to weigh myself. I judge my weight on how much I have to suck it in to button my pants and if I can breath afterwards.
    F**K Scales!!!!

  16. Shelli on August 26, 2008 at 9:31 am

    I see we have the same conversation with our scales. lol.

  17. tash on August 26, 2008 at 11:28 am

    You see? THIS is why I don’t have a scale. It would only run off with my coffee maker and conspire to electrocute me in my sleep while the radio alarm keeps watch. Hmph.

  18. flickrlovr on August 26, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    OMG too funny! That was hilarious. I talk to my scale too. Sigh. The bargaining and pleading never seems to work like I want it to. Crap!
    And uh, a HANDHELD FART DETECTOR?!? Fo reals? That’s fabulous šŸ˜‰

  19. Lady Bits on August 26, 2008 at 1:31 pm

    I find standing on one leg really really helps. You can knock off pounds that way.

  20. Regina on August 26, 2008 at 4:15 pm

    When I get on the scale it tells me “whoa one at a time.”

  21. Katie on August 26, 2008 at 6:35 pm

    I needed a good laugh. I have the same kinds of conversations with my scale.

  22. Karen on August 26, 2008 at 11:08 pm

    Your scale and my scale are sisters. As for the handheld fart detector. . .Why? Are farts not detectable without it?????

  23. Mommy Lady on August 26, 2008 at 11:30 pm

    OMG… Moxiemie Moxie,
    I soooooooo thought you were kidding about the fart detector! I know what I’m getting you for Christmas so you can blame the right sister when someone lays one on in the house!

  24. bleu on August 27, 2008 at 1:22 am

    This really cracked me up.

  25. Jaymee on August 28, 2008 at 8:37 pm

    That is too funny. Oh yeah, and how did my scale get in your bathroom.

  26. Wendy (hopefulsm) on August 31, 2008 at 2:47 pm

    This is why I threw my scale out a window. Seriously. šŸ™‚