Cheddar

Me: It's flippin' hot in here.

Frank: It's not hot in here. (swirling his hips a la Elvis) You're just hot for me, baby.

Me: You are so cheesy.

Frank: (arching an eyebrow) Am I like, government* cheesy, (now dropping his voice an octave into a deep, Rico Suave tone) or Velveeta cheesy?

Me: (gripping my stomach and writhing around on the bed while making horrid retching noises)  OH! THE AGONY! I NEED PEPTO! GIMME THE PINK STUFF! IMMODIUM-AD! TUMS!!!! GAS-X!!!

Frank: (flatly) And you're calling me cheesy?

*government cheese (as defined by Urban Dictionary):

A BIG, HARD MASS; A BLOCK OF ORANGE-YELLOW PROCESSED "USDA CHEESE FOOD" ISSUED BY "DA GUBMENT" United States GOVERNMENT
to aid needy families by supplementing their food resources. Used for
making Grilled Cheese Sandwiches and Macaroni & Cheese but ALSO
CAUSES severe, bowel obstructing constipation, silent but deadly stinky
gas, and / or "the runs" diarrhea in those who are lactose intolerant.  ex: I just got some Government Cheese, but I'm not gonna make a grill cheese sandwich cause it gave me the runs last time I ate it.

11 thoughts on “Cheddar”

  1. I grew up on government cheese. And powdered milk. With 6 kids and my mom being a stay at home mom, my dad working at a gas station at night to attend school during the day, it’s how I remember childhood.
    But I don’t remember it as causing any issues intenstinally. I remember our family, together, cutting the cheese. (oh god, I couldn’t help it.)

  2. I loved me some government cheese!!! No intestinal issues to speak of here, lol I was also 1 of 6 kids and a widowed mother so that was how we servived as well. and I ain’t kidden our stuff was good, lol

  3. Oh wow… is that why Chanel has her tummy problems? You know you use to take giant chunks of the stuff with some crackers and had tea parties with it. 🙂

  4. Awww yes…an ode to gubment cheese. “in my bubba voice*….you can TRY TO burn it, melt it, grill it, sautee it, bbq it….there’s ummm…fried cheese, baked cheese, cheese sticks, cheese balls,….
    thats…..thats about it.

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