…called the doctor and the doctor said…

I’m sure we’ve all had this happen before – you’re sitting there and for no particular reason at all, the strangest of recollections just pops to the forefront of your mind and interrupts your train of thought. Perhaps on some subconscious level, your mind is reliving snippets of your life and one of them happens to bubble to the threshold of awareness, like a bottom-dwelling fish rising to pucker its lips on the surface of a deep, dark lake.

So, I’m sitting here hard at work grading papers, thinking of nothing other than the plot structure of The Tell-Tale Heart, when suddenly the memory of a lining check from my first surrogacy attempt in 2004 swims into thought –

Here lays Kym — spread-eagled, heels astride the stirrups, and weenie-wanded. The RE (reproductive endocrinologist, for you fertile folks) clicks a few buttons on the ultrasound machine, then turns the screen towards me and my intended mother and says, “BeeeYYUUUUtiful! Look at that! Your lining is at 13 a full week before transfer. And see that there? It’s your triple-layer pattern. Just lovely! That Estrace has you all plush and snuggly! Your lining is perfect, and it’s juicy!” Then she reaches between my knees gives a congratulatory pat to the jiggly blubber which sheaths the ol’ uterus.

Juicy. Juicy? There are many quasi-appropriate adjectives for a good uterine lining: plush or thick, for example. Fluffy, even, if you’re the type that likes pink-tinted poodles and puts little heart-shaped stickers in your calendar on your projected transfer or IUI days. But juicy? Linings should never be referred to as juicy. That’s just disgusting and ruins the appeal and satisfaction of things like breakfast beverages and assorted grilled meats. And uh – you don’t touch my gut in a non-medical manner, and I’ll not touch yours in return, mmm’kay?

Now I wonder – what charming verbal nuggets have you heard from your doctors (reproductive or otherwise)? They can be any flavor of inappropriate – funny, offensive, illogical, or just plain stupid. What has a doctor said or done, that hours (or even years) later, has left you incredulously questioning, “Did he/she seriously just say/do that to me?”

17 thoughts on “…called the doctor and the doctor said…”

  1. the only one I can think of I actully liked! the nurse told me we were having a rock star IUI cause keiths sperm were so awesome! haha.
    but i agree, juicy and the tummy pat, ohhh soo wrong!

  2. Mine is boring compared to yours. Dr. Mottla told me I was medically boring and a perfect candidate for surrogacy. And then he said someone as slim as me would actually be fine carrying twins because I have a long torso. Well thanks Dr Mottla but ‘slim’ isnt a word that has ever described me. LOL

  3. That my uterus is “funky”. OKAAAY then! 🙂
    This was said by the CCRM doc we saw last month. And yeah, I went back and got cosmetic surgery on my uterus to get it to become better looking than “funky”.
    Of course one other time, my local RE here got done with the u/s and left the room. I got up to get dressed, and even before I had picked up my panties, the door opened and he came back because he “forgot to tell me something”. Yeah, I grabbed the lap sheet 😉 (In his defense he is completely the adorable professor types – it didn’t even looked like he noticed me standing covering myself with that sheet looking embarrassed!)

  4. With my last surrogacy less than a minute after the embryos were squirted into my fluffy ( I refuse to even THINK about juicy) uterus the little oriental Dr who needed a step stool to reach the table (And no I am not stretching that truth) exclaims “LOOK YOU’RE PREGNANT!!!!” Me in my seriously drugged state was trying to focus on the little man jumping wildly about a room that was smaller than a port-a-potty and thinking to myself..did he do something new?? How does he know? How could that be??
    Now seriously…what kind of loony Dr tells someone they are pregnant (and seriously believes it) mere moments after the embryos are squirted in???

  5. I saw a couselor (does that count?) twice before going through various tests to see what was wrong with me (it ended up being MS). One afternoon, I sat in his office while my entire arm up to my shoulder felt like it was on fire and I hadn’t slept in four straight days due to insomia (adding salt to my wound here).
    We sat and discussed my newfound insomnia, and he said to me and I will never forget: “Do you think you have a brain tumor?”
    My exact thought after his comment: “Well, Now I do. Thanks asshole!” “I hadn’t actually thought of that.”

  6. Our RE told my husband he was a “Stud” after seeing his sperm count after 6 months of clomid. He constantly reminds me of the “professional medical opinion”.

  7. I’ve got two:
    1) On a visit to my GP for a pap/annual he proclaimed that I had lumpy breasts. Which is fine, whatever. But then? He followed it up with “JUST LIKE MY WIFE.” I nearly died.
    2) My husband, on top of his SA results had a large smiley face drawn.

  8. Alicia – any reference to being a rock star is always a good thing!
    Jen – I sure wish someone would say I was slim (and not be lying).
    Ack, Nikki! Sometimes I think REs are so accustomed to seeing half-naked women that they forget that we’re not altogether accustomed to being viewed half-naked. I’d like to see them drop their drawers and position it just so over their packages. Or maybe not.
    Former IM – with all the stories I’ve heard about that RE, I’m sure that’s just one of many el stupidos that you’ve head from him!
    Stacie – dontcha just lurve those hypochondria-inducing doctors? Extremists have no place in the medical profession.
    Holly – Frank has a somewhat similar story. Back when we were still trying, the urologist said that with Frank’s “super-sperm,” I should have been “knocked up ten times over by now.” Umm yeah. Okay. Occasionally, Frank will thrust out his skinny hips as a reminder of his super sperm. Whatev.
    Becky – EEEEEEEEE, rawr – the last thing I want to think about is my doc feeling up his wife and knowing that my boobs are comparable to hers. What does do – rate each patient’s boobs according to the standard set by his wife? Heehee – your husband has happy sperm.

  9. In the antenatal wing. 19 weeks pregnant with twins. Feet up in the air in trendelenberg. Scared sh*tless. The head MFM specialist on staff comes into my room. I think he is coming in to let me know when he will put in an emergency cerclage. He introduced himself and then says, “For your NEXT pregnancy, we will put in a stitch at 12 weeks.” I was so shocked I could not even speak. My husband asked, “So there is no hope for THIS pregnancy.” His response “There’s always hope, just not much.” Dammit if he wasn’t right.

  10. girlh – Damn. Bad news is bad news and mere words can’t stop a shitstorm from falling, but they *can*, when said appropriately, act as an umbrella to keep the shit from smacking you rudely in the face. Ass. Hole.

  11. Lots of EOL (ewwws out loud) in these comments. Hearing your doc compare your boobs to his wife is particularly cringeworthy.
    Mine isn’t gross, but I was seriously offended. I went to the doc for terrible crippling back pain – I’d spent a week in the fetal position, occassionally breaking out in silent sobs for the horrendous pain. But I’m not a wuss, so I waited a week before I went in (dumb). After a ridiculously short exam, my doctor informed me that the terrible terrible pain was due to “all that extra weight up here” and made a big fat belly motion. I was 5’3″ and 125 lbs – hardly a big fat fatty. I couldn’t believe it – I walked out with my jaw on the floor and no answers or pain meds. I still cannot believe that she told me my big fat gut (and no, she wasn’t talking about my sad little rack) was causing crippling back pain. B!tch.

  12. I was once told that I had a beautiful cavity 😉 not that it’s done me much good thus far but I am ever hopeful!!

  13. HAHA! my BFF had to get a shot for something or other, and the doc had her pull her pants down and bend over the exam table. THEN HE SLAPPED HER ASS!! a full-palmed SLAP right before he gave the needle! i laugh all the time thinking about that!!

  14. I have 2:
    1. When I was about 32 weeks pregnant with my twins it was confirmed the little trolls were indeed head down and dropping fast. My wonderful OB looked at me and said, “You shouldn’t have any problem delivering. Looking at you I can see your frame is made for delivering vaginally. You really do have great birthing hips!” I immediately responded with, “You can say it – I know I have a giant ass!”
    2. When I was in labor with the twins and starting to push everyone in the room was counting to 10 (and by “everyone” I mean the standing-room only of about 20 specialists, students, nurses and people off the street who needed to see my hoo-hah.) After a round or two of that I screamed, “I have a f*&^%ing Masters degree. I think I can count to 10 in my head! Everyone shut up!” 19 months later when I was back in the stir-ups, ready to push with baby #3, the doctor, with his calm and mellow voice said, “Now, I’d like to remind everyone that Cris has a f*&^%ing Masters degree so she can count to 10 by herself!” It was a very tense and dangerous delivery for me and the baby and this totally broke the ice and relaxed everyone! Classic, especially since my doctor is so calm and even-keeled. 🙂

  15. If anyone ever touches my belly they are getting smacked. Ugh!
    Here’s two for me, both kinda funny.
    1. First RE told me I was “a little egg machine” at an IVF monitoring appointment.
    2. Dialogue with sixth RE during saline sonogram:
    “You have a beautiful uterus. I bet no one has ever told you that before.”
    “Actually, I have heard that many times. But I suppose you say that to all the girls.”
    “No, some people have a really ugly uterus.”

  16. OH OH OH…I forgot one but this is a funny…after the delivery of the twins I went for my 6 week post-partum checkup and the OB (who has been my OB for 18 years) was getting ready to leave the room as the appt was over and I had “forgotten” to ask him about resuming relations with DH…so I said…Oh can I have sex? He looks at his watch…looks up at me…back at the watch and says..well I only have 15 minutes but sure!!
    It’s hard to make me speechless but he had me there!!!

  17. ok…so…I love that you posted this because it made me think about an incredibly inappropriate comment that was made to me by the Ultrasound Tech. when my ex-husband and mother and I were all anxiously awaiting the big “gender reveal” of my pregnancy. Our family had only been blessed with grandsons at this point and we were all excited and hoping for a little girl. We were at the Naval Hospital in Beaufort and the technician had begun his work when all of the sudden he says,”Wow…looks like you guys will have your hands full! This little girl is not shy a bit…she’s kicked back with her legs wide open for all the world to see! Sure is a good thing that her daddy is a Marine!” I was so shocked that I could not even be excited that he had given me the news I had been so anxiously awaiting! My poor “Southern Bell Debutante” mother just about fainted and I was mad as hell! My ex-husband’s response? “Oooo-rah!” Seriously!?!

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