All's quiet on the uterine front

This morning I had a sonohysterogram with Dr. Dead Fish, otherwise known as the world's most deadpan RE. Thank God he is just the local monitoring RE. I can put up with him for minor monitoring visits, but there's no way in hell I'd ever let him treat me regularly. It seems like there's always some completely unnecessary brouhaha which results from visits with him, chiefly because he's an extremist, worst-case-scenario whackadoodie. There was that time he told me that I probably had cancer and more recently, the time when he located a zebra in my uterus. Thankfully, today he didn't forecast any reproductive nuclear disasters.

This is the fourth sonohysterogram I have had, and aside from some minor cramping which lasts not more than ten minutes after the procedure, there usually isn't much discomfort for me. However, this time — HOLY CHITLINS, the pain. I don't know how many times he cranked and uncranked the speculum, but he was one crank shy of getting the shit kicked out of him. It wouldn't have been too difficult to do, what with my feet already in the perfect, head-flanked position. Then, it seemed that he couldn't locate my cervix. The way he was digging around, it felt like he was trying to look for it in my throat. The joker actually told me to cough. Cough? Are you shittin' me? So I coughed:

Me: "Asshole!" (cleverly disguised as a throaty hack)

Him: "Did you say something?"

Me: "No."

Him: "Okay. Cough again, and this time really mean it. Give me a good one."

Me: inhaling dramatically, then –"FUCKER!" (how good am I at saying curse words while "coughing"?)

Him: THERE it is!

He may well have said, "Eureka! I have found it."

The catheter went into place easily and at first, the expansion of my uterus with the saline was hardly felt. But then, it seemed like the longer he was in there, that's the more uncomfortable it got. Usually it seems like the sonos don't take more than a couple of minutes. In – snap a few pictures – and out. But today, what the fuck was he doing? Prospecting for gold? I had to have been there, gritting my teeth and concentrating on breathing through the discomfort – for more than five minutes before he stood up and said, "Your uterine cavity is all clear. Looks good. Good luck. Enjoy your holiday. We'll get these sent up to the clinic."

Well, yee-freakin'-haw.

I hobbled out of the office with Frank while my uterus bitched me out. Why does it seem like my uterus is tethered to every muscle south of my hips? The cramps radiated down the backs of my legs and settled behind my knees. I was smart enough to pop 800 mgs of Motrin before we left the house, so after about twenty minutes, my uterus had settled down from cursing my very name to merely pouting. By the time we finished breakfast at Denny's and were settled in the theater to view Twilight, my uterus had struck a peace treaty with me and stopped fussing altogether.

Sonohystergram – check.

Lupron to start in approximately three weeks.

24 Comments

  1. mrs spock on November 24, 2008 at 5:19 pm

    Holy Chitlins! Dr Dead Fish’s technique stinks as much as the aforementioned pig innards…



  2. Stacie on November 24, 2008 at 5:22 pm

    See what I mean! You’re absolutely amazing and completely selfless for going through all of this for someone else – to bring them the joys of being a parent.
    Congratulations on the clear uterus!
    [Thank you for the sweet comment you left earlier today.]



  3. Calliope on November 24, 2008 at 6:08 pm

    oh the CRANK!!! *shivers*
    so so glad for the all clear! woo hooo!!



  4. k77 on November 24, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    Asshole. I’m sorry he made it painful for you.



  5. Io on November 24, 2008 at 10:11 pm

    Ack – reading this made me reflexively reach for my hooha to protect it.



  6. sara on November 25, 2008 at 12:58 am

    Long time no comment from my sorry ass! I’ve missed you! Thanks for all the sweet comments and thoughts over the last few weeks – I can’t believe that crazy doctor you had to deal with again. Isn’t it moments like these that you wish men had vaginas and a uterus so they could share in some of life’s pleasures like this sonohys? But that said – I’m so happy that you got the A-OK to go ahead with things and that things are moving along ((hugs))



  7. charmedgirl on November 25, 2008 at 6:55 am

    are we really that close on this coaster thingie?? i just had my hsg on thursday…lupron in a few weeks. OH and all that fucking around in the vagiola? VALIUM. (i know…i heart valium a little too much…)



  8. Moxie on November 25, 2008 at 7:36 am

    I only had one doctor who was so kind as to light me up on valium prior to having my sono. Oh, what a blessed day that was. Yesterday, even though I knew the cramping would subside within an hour, I was really craving one of the four or five vicodin that I’ve been saving for a rainy day. I think I get a little too much enjoyment from the post c-section drugs. One of the perks of delivery is being able to be legally high for the next 1-2 week. πŸ™‚
    We’re really close on the roller coaster. I think we’re like in different seats on the same car.



  9. Moxie on November 25, 2008 at 7:37 am

    Sara-Sara! It’s so good to see you back, but no apologizing for not having commented in a while. I mean, you were ONLY in the hospital on bed rest and delivering that sweet angel-face Brynn!



  10. Moxie on November 25, 2008 at 7:38 am

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!



  11. Alicia Millis on November 25, 2008 at 12:54 pm

    wow that does not sound fun at all!!! but yay another item checked off the list! yuppee



  12. Kristin on November 25, 2008 at 4:51 pm

    Dr. DeadFish needs to be sent to charm school. Talk about a nightmare doc…ugh.
    Glad you got an all clear.



  13. anymommy on November 30, 2008 at 8:37 pm

    That sounds absolutely horrendous. But, baby steps closer to transfer day, right??!! I am always amazed at how many nerves there are in the uterus and how it can make your entire body hurt.



  14. Kathy on August 25, 2009 at 9:06 am

    Yikes! Well, I know I am commenting here almost a year later (after you wrote this), but that is because it is Blogger Bingo time! πŸ™‚ When I saw today’s category (find a post that made me laugh anytime in 2008), I knew who’s blog I would be visiting to find that post… as though your posts have moved me and inspired too many times to count, so often your words also get me laughing (out loud)! So thank you for sharing the comical side of your 4th sonohystergram story with Dr. Dead Fish! Especially the “coughing” part…
    Since I am “killing two birds with one stone” with the post, I also want to wish you a Happy ICLW! πŸ™‚ I know I haven’t commented on your blog in awhile, but you are in my thoughts and prayers, as always and I hope to get back into a better commenting routine one of these days. (((HUGS))) I thought ICLW might give me a little jump start… πŸ™‚



  15. Kristin on September 8, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Hey Moxie…I’m hear sucking up trying to get a free space for the next round of blogger bingo. OMG woman, you are hysterical. And, you missed an opportunity. When you coughed, one leg should have flown out of the stirrup and kicked Dr. Dead Fish.



  16. Baby Hungry on September 8, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    That was awesome! I would have kicked him! Thanks for the laugh!



  17. Wannabmomma on September 8, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    Ha! As I read this my toes were curling for you and I was totally tensing up. Is there nothing worse than a doctor “digging” around down there. So sorry your doc was a jerk-off!
    I found your blog through Blogger Bingo. I do have to admit, I read your Bathroom Boys post a couple of weeks ago and thought it was hilarious. Boys…



  18. Trinity on September 8, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    I totally cracked up at “prospecting for gold.” Thanks for the chuckle!



  19. Billy on September 9, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    Oh my, that sounded like “fun”. Good that you can look at it with a sense of humour.



  20. Baby Smiling In Back Seat on September 9, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    Hi via Blogger Bingo…
    A gynecologist who can’t find a cervix needs to go back to med school. And he also needs to buy his wife some expensive jewelry, because that may not be all he can’t find.



  21. Jules on September 9, 2009 at 8:52 pm

    (also here via the bingo)
    Very thankful for my RE and his disposition now – ugh what a PITA (well kind of literally)



  22. MeAndBaby on September 10, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    Cough? Seriously? Sounds like a quite unpleasant experience but I have to admit, I laughed out loud. What a loser, Dr. Dead Fish is. Nice you were able to make light of it.



  23. ifinbigskycountry.blogspot.com on September 11, 2009 at 10:26 am

    (here via bingo as well)
    My favorite line in this post is: “he stood up and said, “Your uterine cavity is all clear. Looks good. Good luck. Enjoy your holiday. We’ll get these sent up to the clinic.”” As if it were no big deal… nothing out of the ordinary… no insane (yet brief) torture…
    I laughed as well – the others in my office were sure I’d lost it this morning. Thanks for a chuckle today! πŸ™‚



  24. once a mother on September 13, 2009 at 11:12 pm

    you would think he would be familiar enough with the area that the man could locate a cervix. Glad to hear you were able to speak your mind through coughs at least. next time I would give him a swift kick and tell him it was a reflex πŸ™‚