Eggscuse me?

Freak of Utmost Craptasticness who I nearly Killed when he Erred Rudely (aka FUCKER): I've been looking at you, and I took a real good look this morning and I finally figured it out. There's an egg in the basket, isn't there?

Me: (deer, meet headlights) Uuuhh….what?

FUCKER: (making ridiculous cupped hand, growing belly motions) There's another egg in the basket, isn't there?

Me: (blink, blink) Uuuuh….no.

FUCKER: (with egg in his face [HAHA, I'm so witty]) Oh, I'm sorry! Then allow me to spend the rest of the year on my hands and knees apologizing.

Me: (well, that makes it easier to kick you in the teeth, my dear) S'okay.


an hour later – Skype conversation with Chance:

Me: today at lunch some buttwad said to me: "I took a real good look at you today, and I think I figured it out. There's an egg in the basket, isn't there?"

Chance: WHAT!?!?!?!??!?!

Me: yurrrp

Chance: what an idiot. no one says that. you so do not look knocked up

Me: sure I do. I HAVE gained a lot of weight. a ridiculous amount. damned hormones. damned pcos

Chance: well weight is not an egg in the basket. that's weight of a different kind!

Me: that's for sure. I mean, he should have at least known not to jump to conclusions like that. or to ask IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. at least have the decency to ask in private if you're curious

Chance: no kidding

Me: needless to say, I lost my appetite

Chance: I do not blame you one bit. Who said that to you?

Me: some teacher who's about as dense as they come

Chance: yeah, you gotta be dense to say something like that. I never had that happen….thank God (especially afterwards). you know what I mean – when you still look pg, but you're not

Me: yeah

Chance: Oh Moxie, I pray you will have an egg (eggs) in the basket soon and I can get you a bunch of mat clothes and you can let it all hang out! that's the best part of being pg…your tummy can grow as much as you like!

Me: I hope so, too! I seriously thought to myself after he said it: "there are no eggs in this basket YET…but soon, hopefully"

Chance: I saw so many cute maternity clothes at the old navy outlet

Me: would it feel weird to you if you went shopping with me? like, would it be hard?

Chance: NO, I would love that!!! see, I am turning into the dude…watch out, I'll be smoking a cigar and having a drink in the waiting room next

Me: lol

Chance: No, I would seriously like that

Me: as flaky as it sounds, I've always had dreams of mat shopping with my intended mom. as much as I hate shopping, that's one thing I always thought would be kinda fun

Chance: well, let me make YOUR dreams come true, little lady! it WOULD be fun!

Me: lol

Chance: I know, I love me a sale and all that stuff was 75% off. I seriously almost bought one shirt myself and then thought….no bad mojo

Me: the funny thing about today is that I really am wearing maternity pants

Chance: OMG seriously!?!!?!!?!??!

Me: yeah, lol

Chance: let that be a good omen!

Me: I know…I kinda feel like it as, as much as I wanted to whoopass for him saying it.

Chance: well, I hope, hope, hope we get to do that.

Me: me too


So tell it – has it ever happened to you before?

23 thoughts on “Eggscuse me?”

  1. Happened to me before. In kosher supermarket trying to pick up food before Passover; smell of butcher’s triggered my gag reflex and I felt like I was about to vomit. A very nice lady came up to me and said, “Don’t worry, dear. Once you get past the first trimester, you’ll be fine.”
    I’ve never worn that blouse again.

  2. Damn, Jen. Did you slap her with some gefilta fish? I think I would have wanted to. I wouldn’t have worn that blouse again, either. I might have even burned it.

  3. YES it’s happened to me…except i was 20 years old and a size 6!! i hadn’t seen this guy in a while and he looked at my belly and was like, “are you pregnant??” RETARD!
    and seriously, WHO SAYS THAT to someone?!?

  4. Thank goodness, no. I do have a comeback waiting for them, though: “No, just fat.”
    It actually seems like it happens more to skinny women than to those of us with some, uh, padding. I guess a few extra pounds look more like a baby on them. Of course, FUCKERs like to ask even when the only extra fat is in their own heads.
    It would be so fun for you and Chance to go shopping — just beware of the saleslady asking which one of you is pg! This happened when two friends of mine went shopping. The pregnant one was in her 5th month but, to be fair, had barely gained any weight because of hyperemesis gravidarum, but she clearly had a bump and a woozy look about her. Because of the HG, she was appalled that she’d gained so little weight as to be imperceptibly pregnant. The non-pregnant one, who was a size 0 at the time, was appalled for different reasons.

  5. No, but once, when my preggo belly was big enough to stick out past my ginormous boobs, I had someone (who actually would see me a couple of times a month) say, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant.”

  6. “Of course, FUCKERs like to ask even when the only extra fat is in their own heads.” *Snort*
    Do trust – they will be able to tell which one of us is preggo. My body wastes no time exploding and it will be a no-brainer to know that I’m the preggo one. Of course the trouble with that is that at 3 months people start saying stuff like, “You’re about ready to drop, aren’t you?” Why yes, yes I am. About ready to drop kick you, that is.

  7. How could you have NOT shared this with me?! You better get your ass to my house early tomorrow…because I’m sitting here running through a long list.
    Yes, I had someone ask, and it was from a student. I remember the shirt, too. It was one of your students. Just when I “thought” I had been losing weight. I actually thought about wearing that shirt today, but I couldn’t. Sigh.

  8. No, but I know where you could have placed a swift kick!
    I did have an acquaintance say to me, when I was six months pregnant with my second loudly and in front of others, “Are you pregnant AGAIN?” Dude, that’s not nice, they are two years apart, and well, yes, dammit, you don’t have to change their diapers, what do you care?!!

  9. I hope you and the dude get to go shopping for maternity clothes soon.
    OK, before I got married, I lost a lot of weight. And then started putting it back on. There was a little cafe near work that I would go to to get lunch. The girl that ran it spoke English as her second language. I remember the conversation, word for word, years later. Here is how it went:
    Me: Can I have a chicken melt please with no onions?
    Her: I see it!
    Me: HUH?
    Her: I see it! I see your baby!
    Me: What?
    Her: When are you due?
    Me: (The panic and horror set in and I honestly felt l was going to pass out, the cafe started getting dark.) I am NOT pregnant.
    Her: Oh.
    I got my chicken melt, paid my bill and NEVER went back.

  10. Yes. I was leaving the RE’s office, having just had bloodwork and a date with the Wand of Joy. The RE’s office is in the Maternity building at the hospital. A woman asked when I was due, and I gave her a seething, icy glare and said, “I’m NOT pregnant.”
    She was totally embarrassed.

  11. Yup. Last Spring. someone at my house. I said “Fuck I hope not,” and she demurred saying she had “heard it” somewhere.
    No where near as serendipitous as your encounter. Just plain sad.

  12. (for some reason your blog just ate my post?!)
    Yup, last year, at my house. I responded humorously with “Fuck I hope not” even though I wanted to hit her and disappear. She demurred with “I heard it from someone,” which made me feel worse. MANY people think I’m fat, great.
    No where near as serendipitous as your encounter. Just sad.

  13. No it hasn’t ever happened to me. I was at a store one time when my daughter was about a year old and was fussing in the cart and her hand went down my top. Some older lady said “Oh it looks like someone’s getting hungry!”. Uhhh those things have been out of order since she was 3 months! I smiled and said “I doubt that very much” and walked away. *sigh* some people!
    Shopping will be SO much fun! I’d love to do that! Oh and do something to FUCKER’s desk *evil laugh*

  14. What an asshole.
    Surprisingly it’s never happened to me, I put it down to my permanent scowl and unapproachable vibe.
    However, I was there when it happened to a friend. We went to a maternity store to buy breastfeeding tops, a fact we stated on our arrival. Her child wasn’t with her and she was asked The Question.

  15. Yep, just after my failed IVF, I was still bloated and had picked up some weight from the meds, someone asked me when my baby was due – damn IVF hormones!

  16. people have said things like that to me, but more becuase they knew I was doing fert treatments and were always assuming things!
    haha I love that you are wearing maternity pants!! i soo plan on wearing mine afterwards too, they are soo comfy!

  17. Some people can be SUCH asses. I have had this happen to me as well. I was working in a dialysis clinic, and I wore scrubs to work every day. One of the male patients asked me if I were pregnant. “Um, no.” He felt like an ass, as he should.
    I have NEVER asked someone when they’re due/pregnant even if they look it. It’s too risky!
    At least you’re not alone in this. It happens too often, eh?

  18. What an asstastic thing to say to someone! I’ve had it happen to me before, I was 12. I know from the bloat of this cycle, I keep getting looks from my coworkers.

  19. People can be such jerks. Sorry that happened to you.
    On a happier note, I really hope that you and Chance can make both of your dreams come true SOON!

  20. Oh man! That is just one question that no one NO ONE should ever ever ask!! The rudeness!
    I did run into an old friend at Target after I had Ryder and she asked when I was due. Man, that hurt.
    Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

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