ATTENTION FERTILES: Do not buy these onesies as gifts for babies of your infertile friends

I’m sitting here trying not to think about what’s shakin’ in my and Chance’s girlie parts, so as a distraction, I’m trolling around on various Websites looking for a gift for a certain blogger’s brand new baby via surrogacy. With my quirky and sophomoric sense of humor, I do love a onesie with a totally inappropriate saying printed on the front. However, I ran across a few that while meant to be funny (for a typical fertile), did nothing but nag at my infertile cringe-bone.

And so I present to you, the Top 5 Onesies NOT to Buy for an Infertile Friend’s Baby:

Fertiles, I’m talking to YOU. Seriously, don’t do it:

Born free

 “Now that I’m born, I’m not as expensive” might be more appropriate, or perhaps “Born expensive, STILL expensive” might work.

Not daddy

 Don’t even think about this one if there was a sperm donor involved. Buying this shirt most certainly will get your ass kicked. 

Not real parents 

Hey Fertile Fanny – do NOT let this shirt be the punchline of all those nasty comments you made to your infertile friend about egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, or adoption, hmmmkay?

Puts out
If you’re not 100% sure that conception didn’t take place “the old
fashioned way,” do not buy this shirt. Putting out doesn’t always
result in putting in a baby.

And the biggest no-no of them all...

Still alive
What the fizzle? Are you implying that if a woman has suffered
a miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss that it was because she did
something wrong?

If you’re an infertile or a parent after infertility, what’s the stupidest thing someone ever said to you?

27 thoughts on “ATTENTION FERTILES: Do not buy these onesies as gifts for babies of your infertile friends”

  1. Jeebus fucking A, these are HORRIBLE, especially the last one. Good god.
    Not sure if Niobe’s a Cash fan, but I’ve always liked this one.

  2. ooof! I bet there are tons more out there too. (Although I do sort of crack up at the IDEA of Snork wearing a shirt that says, “who’s your Daddy?” but it never leaves the idea zone of my brain.

  3. Cali, if you bought that shirt for Snork as a bit of twisted humor, I’d seriously think it was funny. If some random jighead bought it wasn’t sure how you’d take it, I’d think that was a pretty stupid move.

  4. Bwahahahahahaha! Awesome. Seriously. DON’T BUY THESE…who would buy some of those anyway? Fertile or not? Why do people think it’s cute to dress their kid in smart ass comments*. (*I may one day dress my kid in smart ass comments.

  5. ok stupid comments:
    After cooking my Chinese herb tea (over an effin’ campfire no less) a friend asked what was in it… “Dragon tails and tiger penis?” I just looked at him and said the only thing that came to mind. Nothing.
    Baby Me friend when discussing adoption and the costs involved. “So you basically have to buy the baby?” Again met with silence.
    Baby Me friend to my husband at the hospital one day after dh finally became a father(of a baby that was still alive) “Want to see pictures of the new deck?” I’m serious. He brought pictures of his deck to. the. hospital.
    I agree with Kristen, CafePress makes some good one…and yes they have the “other” kind too. Made In China?! puhlease.

  6. I do like most of the sassy onesies made for babies. I like the really, REALLY borderline offensive ones that don’t look like they belong on babies. I saw one this weekend that had stick figure drawings of a baby, a mom, and a dad. They were labeled me, Mommy, and Asshole. Classic.
    I cannot believe that fucktard said those things to you. Some people just have no clue.

  7. Cindy, your sense of humor is too wickedly, terrifically shrewd NOT to dress your kid in smart ass comments. Maybe not comments as lame as the ones above, but there are plenty of good ones that don’t make you want to stick your finger down your throat.

  8. May I add that stupid ass onesie I’ve seen advertised that says “SO CUTE THAT ANGELINA TRIED TO ADOPT ME!”
    Yeah, cuz that’s what all internationally adopted kids, and transracially-built families MUST be thinking, too, right?!

  9. oh no – cringe cringe cringe
    I will say, though, that my brother bought me a total no-no maternity shirt for Christmas, but I lurrrve it:
    A plain t-shirt with “Product of Former IMen’s Formula 401” written across the belly. (Only funny if you’re a Former IMen Colbert nut, obviously.)
    Totally inappropriate for a woman whose husband has severe MFI and my brother should’ve known better, but I love it. And the hubby has ok’d my wearing it – gotta love a man who’s secure in his own nutsac. But I bet he’d feel differently if we’d actually used donor sperm.

  10. HAHAHAHAHAHHAfreakinHAHAHAHHAHAHA: “gotta love a man who’s secure in his own nutsac.” That should be embroidered on a pillow…no, there should be a t-shirt with THAT statement on it. I can’t breathe from laughing so hard.

  11. My favorite onesie of all time is “Dingo Snack” — I want to say it’s at glarkware. But of course, it was sold out he ENTIRE first year of the lowercase’s life. Never did get it for myself. Here’s hoping for a chance to buy it in the future. For now, I have to satisfy myself with being the idiot on It’s a Small World at Disney who, when going through the part with the creepy Australian dolls yells out “A dingo ate my baby!” in a bad Australian accent. (That never stops being funny to me)
    As for stupid comments…after miscarriage # something or other, one friend said “I know exactly how you feel. So alone and like everyone is watching you. That’s exactly how I felt when I divorced my husband.” Because yes, miscarrying a baby you love and wanted is EXACTLY like finally kicking your asshat husband out the door after 2 years of emotional abuse — all because you spent more than most people make in 2 years on your extravagant wedding. THOSE ARE EXACTLY THE SAME FEELINGS!
    The second was some time after miscarriage 3 when a friend said “I have something to tell you and I better do it before you see me next, since it’s going to be obvious AUNTIE!” Um…Yeah…I’m still bleeding away my kid, thanks for sharing about yours in that particularly obnoxious way.

  12. I really REALLY hate the last one…
    although I have seen a tshirt I think that I do like (especially for infertiles) but maybe the humor isn’t always appreciated. It’s a pregnancy shirt that says: “The Doctor Knocked Me Up”. I often tell my husband that, but it’s more of a joke. Again, I’d probably give that to someone who I was sure would take the joke as its meant. ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. Ouch, ouch, OUCH, Miss W! Who the heck needs friends like that? Those comments sting even me! Just…ouch.
    I ran across several of those dingo shirts/onesies yesterday online. Stupid me didn’t get the joke so I had to Google ‘dingos and babies’. Ummm yeah. I’m a dork.
    I cracked up thinking about you at Disney…I can totally hear that! ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. I do think “The Doctor Knocked Me Up” is a funny shirt to buy for yourself or for someone who you know would take it only for the joke it was meant to be. I’ve considered buying that shirt for myself a time or two.

  15. I had the twins via IVF/ICSI and we have really severe male factor issues. Wouldn’t you know it, I get knocked up on my own when the twins are 10 months old! Fast forward 40 weeks and I’m in the hospital, holding five hour old Baby William and the two 19 month old monkeys are pushing the call button and turing the water in the shower on and off. Idiot Mother In Law says to me, “Well, I guess you didn’t need to go through all that shot stuff the first time and there is NOTHING wrong with Scott!” (of course, how could there be anything wrong with her child, the smartest man to ever walk the earth?!) My only response was, “You’re always right. Who should I get rid of – Joseph or Elizabeth?”
    To add insult to injury – William was my husband’s little clone as a newborn. Idiot Mother In Law (IMIL, from now on – I like that!) says to me, “Well, there is no doubting who his father is!” And my response? “Yeah, that’s right. That was a question all along because I’m a GIANT WHORE! There was such possibility that the guy I hooked up with while I was doing tequila shots last August could be his father! I was such a catch, since I was breastfeeding twins and all!” My doctor and a few students were in the room for that one. They all smirked or giggled. IMIL was humiliated. Job well done, Crissy!

  16. Okay. Just ’cause I’m twisted, I *love* the idea of the Dingo Snack onesie.
    In fact, I love it almost as much as the one I actually bought — a onesie with a picture of skull and crossbones, with the skull sucking on a little blue pacifier. Dead baby jokes, indeed.

  17. Hey there. Haven’t visited you in a while. I also love me some onesies with snarky remarks on them, but those..OH MY! I have found a website that you can design your own and thought about making one for Peanut like this:
    40% Dad
    40% Mom
    20% Dr. H
    100% ME

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