The quiet this time

Today is my first blogoversary (a huge accomplishment on
my part). Surprisingly, I find myself with little to say when in the days leading up to it, I
thought there would be so much.

I read back through many of my posts from the past year, especially those from my last 2 two-week waits in March and June. I was surprised by how much it seemed like I had to say back then. For some reason, this feels like a time to be quiet — to hunker down with my thoughts and be blanketed by the hope I am allowing myself to feel. You can't shout about something like that. It seems somehow foolhardy to even admit to the fact that I do feel hopeful. There is never any solid evidence of which way a cycle will go. I have no concrete reason — no sudden light and booming voice, no burning bush, no prophetic arrangement of tea leaves, no celestial alignment — to believe that this will work. Yet, the feeling is there. I have to embrace that in the here and now because when you get right down to it, that's all any of us have.

So I will lay down with it, curl it softly around my shoulders and tuck my spirit into the warmth it provides. It slows my anxious heart and quiets my mind.

For today, there is that.

Thank you all so much for the outpouring of support. We're 3dp3dt today
and our beta is in 8 days on February 3. I can hear the tick of each
second and the weight of each minute; it will be a long week. You'll know why I'm quiet.

37 Comments

  1. niobe on January 26, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    It’s going to be a long week for a lot of us. You will post as soon as you have news, right?



  2. Moxie on January 26, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    I think I will, niobe. Despite the quiet, one post that I will most certainly write this week is about the unfamiliar ambivalence I feel towards testing early this time. Not to sound like a total Debbie Downer, but I have a large bag full of positive tests from my last cycle with Mia and in the end…well…those tests didn’t amount to much.
    I have tests and they will no doubt tempt me, but this time there is a certain appeal in waiting for the beta. C&A left it up to me….so I guess it’s all up to how daring I feel at the end of this week. But, if I test and if there’s something to shout about, you’ll be one of the first to know.



  3. Bleu on January 26, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    Sending lots of love.



  4. Danielle on January 26, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    Thinking and praying for you and Chance and Apollo. Being quiet makes sense. It’s a helpful tool , during these times.
    So many hugs!



  5. Calliope on January 26, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    happy 1 year, sweetie. Am beaming lots of love & mojo to your mid section.
    xoxoxo



  6. tash on January 26, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    It seems a bit odd to say thank you for your one year bloggyversary, but, um, Thanks!
    And I’m wayyyyy to antsy to wrap myself in anything. I’ll just paint and overschedule and hope that makes the week go a wee bit faster.
    And believe me, if you’ve just gone through step one, I view the next as step two. In a series of about a thousand. I don’t I’ll fully relax until, well, you know what.
    Waiting with you all.



  7. Shelli on January 26, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    Happy Blogoversary!!
    Thinking good thoughts for you. The smiley, bling-ridden kind with lots of sparly Carebears. xo



  8. Moxie on January 26, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    Me either, Tash…it’s always just one step of many when you cross another hurdle. I’d at least like to hear the sounding gunshot, though. I feel like I’ve done the “mark” and “set,” and I’m crouched into position with my eyes focused on the hurdles ahead. I’m just anxious for the “go.”



  9. Moxie on January 26, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    Do trust, Shelli – if given the chance, this blog will be so cracked out on sparkly Care Bears and candy cotton fluff that everyone will get cavities just from being here.
    I’m wishing the same for you, Shelli.



  10. Moxie on January 26, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    I’ll take it all, Cali. I feel bad for having missed so much at your place this weekend. I’ll catch up. I’m sending love and light back to you, too.



  11. Moxie on January 26, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    You sing, you dance, you steal things, and you make me happy with your unending support, Danielle!



  12. Betty M on January 26, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    Happy blogaversary. Hoping these next few days go well. Flowery, sparkly unicorn well.



  13. Lesha on January 26, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    Happy Blogaversary and I’ll be thinking of all of you over the next week.



  14. Intending To Be Parents on January 26, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    Happy One Year!!! Hoping that the next few days fly by for you all and I can’t wait to hear the good news (there’s never too much positivity when waiting for such things)



  15. Kristin on January 26, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    Happy One year blogoversary. I am so thrilled to have found your blog and to have gotten to know you a little bit. I’m hoping and praying and calling in any favors I have out there in the hopes that this cycle works for you and Chance and Apollo.



  16. Alicia Millis on January 26, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    happy blogoversary!!! Mine was just on Friday! For some reason I thought you had been blogging longer than that! I am glad you are feeling hopeful! I will be thinking of all of you this week and next week!



  17. My Reality on January 26, 2009 at 6:07 pm

    Happy Blogoversary.
    I think that this cycle is weighing on a lot of us quite heavily. If it wasn’t for your blog, you wouldn’t be on this journey. You inspire me in so many ways, Moxie. And that isn’t an easy feat.
    I hold out hope for this cycle, and I am waiting anxiously with you and C&A. I pray (and I don’t really do that) for a happy ending, with unicorns, puppies and sparkly baby dust.
    You might be quiet this week, but you will never be out of my thoughts.
    xo.



  18. Bon on January 26, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    happy blogoversary.
    and i’m sort of delurking during this 2ww b/c i want you and Chance to know how much i’m pulling for you all. and i get the quiet, get it very very well. i always feel still in the waiting periods, growing hope and trepidation in equal parts. i so want your hope to flower.



  19. Baby Smiling In Back Seat on January 26, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    Happy Blogoversary!
    Do you think another batch of Calm the Fuck Down Cupcakes would help you get through the wait, or did their name turn out to be hype?
    I hope that whatever you do during the wait, it goes quickly for you.



  20. luna on January 26, 2009 at 7:15 pm

    good thing you don’t have a burning bush, or that might not bode so well. er, that’s not what you meant?
    I remember that crazy wait last march, happy feelings playing on my computer, ending up not so happy.
    sometimes quiet reflection just feels right.
    wishing you all the best, my friend.



  21. anymommy on January 26, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    Oh, all my quiet thoughts and prayers are with you and chance and those two little skittles. Sometimes, all that is left to say is I hope and please, please, please.



  22. Former IM on January 26, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    Happy Blogoversary! I understand the quietness, but I’m still super hopeful that this is going to work out. Good luck.



  23. WhichBox on January 26, 2009 at 10:06 pm

    So I was all overcome and teary and ready to type how I was praying (which I never ever say to anyone), and then I read Luna’s comment and burst out laughing.
    But I am wishin’ and hopin’ and yes, praying for you, Chance, the two……..I’m a bundle of nerves, which is only a fraction of what you all must be feeling.
    Hang in there. Love your imagery of curling up with your anxiety.
    And happy one year.



  24. Sue on January 26, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    Congratulations on your blogoversary! The ‘verse is a better place because you are in it.



  25. Kath on January 26, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    Happy Blogoversary Moxie!!! I thought forsure you had been blogging longer than that, as you are such a smart one and have so much wisdom to share with all of us in the ALI community. Thank you for your support and inspiration both before I really knew you, or about your blog, and after I found your blog (through those awesome Pink Rose awards you started).
    I am continuing to send you, Chance and Apollo lots of positive thoughts, prayers and sticky vibes! (((HUGS)))
    Looking forward to another wonderful year following your blog and hoping and praying that I will spend much of it reading about your pregnancy! πŸ™‚



  26. k@lakly on January 27, 2009 at 12:51 am

    Quiet is good. I never tested early. As much as I wanted to know and the wait was torture, as long as I didn’t test, I could still have hope. I liked having hope.
    I’m sitting quietly with you, hoping.
    xxoo



  27. k77 on January 27, 2009 at 5:37 am

    Has it really been a year already? Thinking of you and Chance/Apollo and hoping the week goes faster than you expect (who am I kidding though?) with good news at the end. The kind that gets better and better.



  28. Sara on January 27, 2009 at 6:19 am

    Good luck hon! I can’t even find the right words to say it, but my thoughts and prayers are with you, Chance, Apollo, and those precious little unicorn farts.



  29. sara on January 27, 2009 at 7:43 am

    Happy blogoversary…I’m quietly waiting here with you!



  30. Mel on January 27, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    Happy blogoversary. And sending good thoughts.



  31. erin on January 27, 2009 at 10:03 pm

    Thinking of you all.



  32. Soralis on January 27, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    Happy blogversary! Good luck with your wait!



  33. girlh on January 27, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    I’m with WhichBox…all teary and then the tears multiplied x 1,000 from the huge belly laughing after Luna’s comment. omg.
    Happy One Year Moxie.
    I get the need for quiet, but it’s killing me! Sending lots of rainbow-ish sparkly things your way and keeping all crossables crossed.



  34. Elizabeth on January 28, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    I’m thinking of the three of you and hoping for great news next week.



  35. journey to junior(ette) on January 28, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    just checking in with all fingers and toes crossed!



  36. Jen on January 29, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    Happy blogoversary! And wishing you a quick wait and a happy outcome!



  37. Amanda on January 30, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    Happy blogoversary!!!! I hope there are many more to come because I love visiting you here πŸ™‚
    I have my fingers and toes crossed for you and C & A!!!