Color me ???

11dp3dt beta = 13
13dp3dt beta = 25

Hmm. Clearly, something is trying to fight to stay. Though the numbers are on the extremely low end of normal, there was a sufficient rise between the first and second beta and we've been told to stay cautiously hopeful. I am to remain on meds and I have another beta in a week (A WEEK? DON'T THEY KNOW HOW IMPATIENT I AM?).

I can settle for continuing to take one pregnancy test per day to serve as a gauge for what the level is doing. I wasn't altogether surprised to hear that my level had gone up since the three tests that I've taken between Tuesday afternoon and this morning have grown steadily darker. I was a bit shocked to learn that my level had increased enough to warrant another beta in a week.

Chance, bless her heart, is mostly concerned about the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy causing me even the slightest bit of agony. While it is a possibility, I don't think that's anything that we need to be majorly concerned about for at least another couple of weeks, given the fact that my beta is so low right now. Our nurse coordinator gave me the "call us immediately if you have any bleeding, cramping, or discomfort speech," and I will most certainly do so if I have any of the above.

So, my plan is just to let the next week ride out. I'll continue to test once a day. How could I not? As much as I hate it, I admit that I am a peestickitis-inflicted pissaholic. It gives me at least a very mild sense of control in these very uncontrollable situations. It is information (albeit inconclusive) at my fingertips. If the my lines continue to darken, I'll continue to have quiet, reserved amounts of hope.

Today's news was good, but the odds are still against our favor. I am at peace with the fact that this might not end well for us, but that is not my focus. My mind is filled with the knowledge that we do have this chance. We have been allowed a space and opportunity for this cycle to turn itself around, and I am choosing to focus on the realism in that and potential it provides. 

It is something, and for now, I'll surely take that over nothing.

I still believe in magic.

42 Comments

  1. nancy on February 5, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    You know my beta at 11dp3dt was 15. And it just barely doubled, being 43 three days later (perfect 48 hr doubling would be 45) and I’ve got the proof in the pudding right here with me.
    I also got that talk about watch for anything and here is my cell phone if ANYTHING feels off.
    All I can say is the doubling is hugely good news, as you know. And wishing you out of the beta hell as soon as possible. Thefucking problem with low betas is it takes SO LONG for them to get over 1,000 – which is the time when you can see the sac in the uterus. It took us 1w4d to get to 1,073 freaking finally, where we saw everything was okay.
    Did they do an u/s anywho? When my numbers continued to “just” double every 48 hours, they pulled me in when it reached 213 (at 18dp3dt) to see if they could see anything in my tubes, but did see my lining thickened in one area of my uterus, which was very good news, as that points to implantation. Of course it’s still too early to see anything, like a full week too early, but any bit of good news was welcomed.
    Fuck Moxie, I’m hoping for you and Meg.



  2. Danielle on February 5, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    I could think of MUCH worse things to be peeing on the pee sticks. Still thinking and hoping and of course sending you tons of support. HUGS!!!



  3. girlh on February 5, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    Yes, I believe in magic.

    I’m one of those dancing girls (the one in the waaaaay back.) I vow to keep dancing til’ the next beta, even though my arms are killing me!



  4. Furrow on February 5, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    I’ll be. My first comment on your blog was two days behind. So never mind that one. Instead, hurray for the fighter!



  5. Betty M on February 5, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    Glad there was good news today – I’m sticking with the good stuff for you guys all the way.



  6. Nikki on February 5, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    I believe in magic too – and in the power of hope. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!



  7. Calliope on February 5, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    waiting with you & Chance and hoping like crazy.
    beaming the love.
    big time.
    xo



  8. Intending To Be Parents on February 5, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    Everything is crossed!! Sending magical, hopeful vibes your way!



  9. tash on February 5, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    I’m here eating rainbow fart-scented barbecued unicorn trying to muster up some magic.
    What say I just sit with you for the week and watch the pictures as they come in? I’m not pessimistic mind you, just waiting for the definitive.
    Waiting with you both, with all of my heart involved.



  10. Rachel on February 5, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    My first beta with my son was only 16, and I was told to ‘prepare for bad news.’
    Well, now I’m preparing to go home and feed the little porker.
    Best of luck!



  11. k@lakly on February 5, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    Sounds like there is something to be hopeful for so that is where I will be, in the world of something to be hopeful for, until I know otherwise.
    If you don’t mind tho, I’ll pass on the BBQ unicorn…and stick with a nice piece of fish.



  12. Alicia Millis on February 5, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    keeping everything crossed for you guys!!



  13. debbie on February 5, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Well Nancy and Rachel’s stories are certainly encouraging. I was hoping someone would chime in with some good info like that. Now I’ve got all my hopes in the half full basket!! Doubling, after all, is what’s important. Perhaps the little bugger just needed a little extra time to dig in there.



  14. Shelli on February 5, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    How about that.
    Thinking and hoping for you all!



  15. Kathy on February 5, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    Waiting and believing in magic with you. (((HUGS)))



  16. Sandi on February 5, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    I am not surprised! I am still nervous too, BUT hopeful! THANK YOU for sharing. you were the first thing I thought of this morning. “It’s thursday, Moxie’s beta is today.” I know I should I get a life, but I enjoy living vicariously through you.



  17. JuliaKB on February 5, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    I am glad I am not the only one here with the obligatory ladybug onesie story, though the subject of mine hasn’t worn one of those in years. But she did start out as a beta of 7… I’m just sayin’… and pass that unicorn. I’m hungry.



  18. Mya on February 5, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    Sending lots of hopeful thought and prayers your way!



  19. jenn on February 5, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    Keeping my fingers crossed. You and Chance are in my prayers. As Jesse would say, “keep hope alive”



  20. Kristin on February 5, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    Praying hard for y’all! I still believe in magic too!



  21. Amber on February 5, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    I’m a believer. I know of single digit (single digit!) betas doubling and doubling and winding up as sunshine gurgling, rainbow-farting babies. (I’m not a mom yet – that is what babies fart, isn’t it?) I’m definitely holding out hope.
    Think you can find someone to do a beta for you on the black market? I mean, a week?!
    As for pee sticks, I totally approve. But only if you share photos…
    Everything crossed!!!



  22. charmedgirl on February 5, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    wellllll you knowwwwwww, i kinda thought this would happen. now, in my fantasies, this thing keeps going and ends up screaming and shitting and yaking. but i’ll keep that to myself for now. OMG totally hoping for it…….



  23. luna on February 5, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    it’s all about the doubling, so you are still in it. it’s still SO early and darkening lines are good. so there.



  24. Jen on February 5, 2009 at 8:11 pm

    OMG Moxie this is such a freaking roller coaster for you! I will be hoping and praying that next week’s beta is stellar and that things progress normally for the next 9 months!



  25. My Reality on February 5, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    Waiting with you.



  26. Bon on February 5, 2009 at 8:19 pm

    the doubling is good and i’m bellying up to the bbq and shoving Tash over for a slice of unicorn. or perhaps tofunicorn, just to save the real unicorns for you guys.
    i had crap, non-doubling betas with this last pregnancy. i hate the numbers game, the desperate heartsickness of it, and the surreality.
    wishing the week wings, and hoping with all my heart.



  27. Pam on February 5, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    Waiting and hoping right along with you guys.



  28. anymommy on February 5, 2009 at 10:03 pm

    I believe in magic too. Thank you for sharing with us!



  29. Megan on February 5, 2009 at 11:52 pm

    Yay for hope (even if it does let us down sometimes)! I can’t believe they’re making you and Chance wait a whole week before they test again. I hope the time flies by.



  30. soralis on February 6, 2009 at 12:36 am

    Waiting with you as well! Praying that it works out!



  31. SCY on February 6, 2009 at 6:45 am

    I believe in magic too! Come on baby – keep fighting!
    xxx



  32. coffeegrl on February 6, 2009 at 7:27 am

    oh goodness. more waiting. how maddening and yet…how promising.



  33. Lesha on February 6, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Any small sliver of hope is still hope. Still thinking of you all and hoping right along with you.



  34. mijk on February 6, 2009 at 11:52 am

    with both my kids it took 10 days past regular period start to get a positive hpt. And they were not concieved ten days later because that would have made me equal to the virgin Mary! My gyn told me not to worry because he saw the same thing with ivf patients. He blamed it on later implatation. I have no beta’s because we don’t do them (even the ivf-clients have to wait it out over here).



  35. WhichBox on February 6, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    oh my oh my…….wow. hang in there. You have a very full village pulling for you. I’m still not breathing.



  36. PJ on February 6, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    whoa!
    A whole week for another beta? How could they!!!
    Hoping for ya.



  37. sara on February 6, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    I used to not believe in magic, but after last year I do now too. I am with you both each step of the way for this crazy roller coaster and I’m always thinking of you! ((hugs))



  38. Alex on February 6, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Wow. Fingers remain tightly crossed. Hey, somebody’s got to wear the ladybug onesie!



  39. k77 on February 6, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    Well fuck me, I think it’s a go-er!
    I think my beta was around fifty at about 10dp6dt and my clinic considered that to be perfectly fine. And it was.



  40. Barb on February 6, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    Hope this is congrats! Sorry I’ve been awol so long!



  41. Sara on February 8, 2009 at 5:41 am

    Wow. This really is a white-knuckle situation, isn’t it. Having seen two IVF cycles with single-digit betas turn into babies (my nephew and a dear friend’s baby), I believe in magic too. I’ve got everything tightly crossed for you.



  42. Amanda on February 8, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    Hoping right along with you.