Go to the Mattresses

Conversation in the van yesterday with Kyra and Jaiden:

Jaiden: Where did you and Daddy go after you dropped us off at the birthday party?

Me: We went to buy new mattresses.

Kyra: Ooh! Are they at home now?

Frank: Not yet. They'll be delivered Tuesday morning.

Jaiden: What kind did you buy? Is it a Tempur-Pedic? Those are good for back support and neck alignment.

Frank: Uuuh, no. We got a Sealy Posture-Pedic.

Kyra: Sweet! Now you won't have to count those sheep anymore – "We count sheep, so you don't have to!" Did you get the kind with the Euro-foam pillowtop?

Jaiden: And did you buy them from Badcock Home Furnishings? Because right now they're having a sale where if you buy a king-size mattress, you can pay just a queen-sized price!

Kyra: Yeah, and if you spend over $1,000, you also get $200 in FREE home decor and accessories.

Me: You two watch entirely too much TV.

::::::::

Scene from You've Got Mail, featuring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan:

KATHLEEN: My business is in trouble. My mother would have something wise to say.

JOE: I'm a brilliant businessman. It's what I do best. What's your business?

KATHLEEN: No specifics, remember?

JOE: Minus specifics, it's hard to help. Except to say, go to the mattresses.

KATHLEEN: What?

JOE: It's from The Godfather. It means you have to go to war.

KATHLEEN: The Godfather? What is it with men and The Godfather?

JOE: The Godfather is the I
Ching. The Godfather is the sum of all wisdom. The Godfather is the
answer to any question. What should I pack for my summer vacation?
"Leave the gun, take the cannoli." What day of the week is it?
"Maunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday." And the answer to your
question is "Go to the mattresses."

You're
at war. "It's not personal, it's business. It's not personal it's
business." Recite that to yourself every time you feel you're losing
your nerve. I know you worry about being brave, this is your chance.
Fight. Fight to the death.

:::::

We've had those mattresses since we were married. A lot has happened in those almost-thirteen years. A lot has happened on those mattresses. The angst of cycle after negative cycle was spent on those mattresses. But despite that, we were ultimately still able to conceive on those mattresses instead of in some clinical, impersonal setting (actually, I think Jordan was conceived on the floor in my sister's bedroom, but don't tell her I told you that). We were able to bring our on-the-mattress conceived babies home to those same mattresses, where over time, each of them has had their moments of peeing, puking, and pooping on those mattresses. 

On the weekends, the five of them (nephew TJ included) climb under the blankets of those mattresses, squeezing themselves around me and Frank, touching us with their frosty feet while dropping not-so-subtle hints about the pancakes they want Frank to make for breakfast. We camp out on those mattresses, cuddled up together, eating popcorn and watching movies.

I have kind-of an attachment to those mattresses, where so many memories, both good and bad, were born and lived. It's time to let them go, though. They're from another day, bought early in our marriage when there was little money and it made sense to forego quality over cost. We've outgrown them, and when those queen-sized mattresses are moved out, they'll be replaced on Tuesday with ones of the kingly persuasion.

As we drove away from the furniture store yesterday (Badcock, just as Jaiden guessed), the thought occurred to me that it's because of those old, overworn mattresses that I'm driven to go to the mattresses as a surrogate. I got off relatively easy in my fight, but it's not fair that anyone should have to fight at all, much less fight as hard as most other infertiles have to. I have a lot of fight left in me. Watch how I flex my muscles and kick some ass.

Go to the mattresses. That's damned right.

BTW – the lines on my tests are growing steadily darker, and Dr. Sleepy said he'd be happy with a beta of at least 100 on Thursday.

22 Comments

  1. tash on February 8, 2009 at 11:19 am

    Awesome post. All of it. Keep fighting.



  2. Kristin on February 8, 2009 at 12:53 pm

    We’ll all go to the mattress with you!



  3. Carrie Holmquist on February 8, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    I got my ass kicking shoes on with you.



  4. Sandi on February 8, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    I love that post! I have the same strange attachment to my things. It always revolves around the babies. I wore that jacket when we got Colby, Or that’s the chair I nursed Hadley in for a year, Or I have to keep those shoes, Parker puked in them remember?
    And my favorite movie of all time is “You’ve got Mail”. I love it. Thank you for tying it all together so nicely.
    I am still praying for you.



  5. Danielle on February 8, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    I went running yesterday and I kicked some as and thought of you and Chance. I’ve got A LOT more fight left in me, too. I always say “I will bend but I will NOT break”. You all have a HUGE amount of support and I’m including myself in it. Keep fighting the good fight. If anyone can do it, I KNOW you can…AND WILL! HUGS, so many HUGS!!!!



  6. Carlynn on February 8, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    I’m so glad to see that the numbers are going up. I hope they climb fantastically and that in 9 months we are all talking about this and saying “Remember how it started …” Thinking of you both.



  7. coffeegrl on February 8, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    I love dark lines! Keeping strong for you and Chance!



  8. Angie on February 8, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    Great entry. I’m praying those numbers keep going up!



  9. Bon on February 8, 2009 at 7:27 pm

    our mattress was bought to snuggle a baby who never came home, but it’s done its best by us since, conceiving three more, welcoming two home. i will be sad, in that slightly wistful way you describe, to let it go someday.
    darker is good. abiding, hoping.



  10. k77 on February 8, 2009 at 7:39 pm

    Your kids are just too funny. TBB is the same – saw a poster on a bus for a movie “that’s only at the movies, January 8!”



  11. anymommy on February 8, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    Awesome post. Darker and then 100 and then heartbeat. I’m fighting for you all the way!



  12. girlh on February 8, 2009 at 9:00 pm

    There are not words to explain the awesomeness that is you Moxie.
    Now go kick some ass.
    Focusing on 100+



  13. PJ on February 8, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    We need a new matress. I’m trying to convince my husband that it’s NOT normal for it to sag in the middle like that!
    Yaaaaaaay, dark lines!



  14. chicklet on February 8, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    I luv the conversation and the later tie-in with everything you’ve gone through with those mattresses:-)



  15. JuliaKB on February 8, 2009 at 11:28 pm

    Bwa! The kiddos crack me up. Darker is awesome. We love darker. And we love you and your fight. And I so know what you mean about the mattresses… Ours are seven plus years old. We bought them when we moved into this house, pregnant with Monkey. And it hit me recently that we would have to part with them someday, and that I will be sad, just like you describe. The mattresses from the five years before that? They moved onto the guest bed when we bought the house and then the onese we have now. When we were expecting A, we moved Monkey into the formerly guest room, gave the bed and the mattresses to my sister (and that’s where they still are…) “for a while,” i.e. until we decide to move into a bigger house. That may be a while, whatdayathink? But I am not worried about that, actually– since A died I grew a lot more attached to this house… I don’t exactly want to leave, even if I can see that one day it will be just too small for us.



  16. charmedgirl on February 9, 2009 at 7:22 am

    hold on a minute…thursday???? it’s MONDAY! i thought you were going today! what the hell is going onnnnnnnnnn?!?!
    darker lines is good…i’m going with a slow-starter.



  17. SCY on February 9, 2009 at 7:38 am

    Let’s all go to the matresses!!!
    AND darker lines are good! Please God let the beta be 100 (minimum) or more on Thursday!!!! PLEASE!!!!
    You’re both in my thoughts and prayers!
    xxx



  18. Former IM on February 9, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    What a funny post! I’ve probably seen the same commercials a hundred times, but I couldn’t tell you anything about them. At least they’re paying attention. 🙂
    Yay for darker!



  19. Pamela Jeanne on February 9, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    You are easily among the toughest and most caring women I know…
    Also wanted to be among the first to wish you an early happy birthday! all the best to you. oxoxoxoxo



  20. Alicia Millis on February 9, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    i love getting a new mattress!! think of all the new memories you will make with the new one 🙂
    yay for darker lines!!



  21. JuliaS on February 10, 2009 at 11:52 am

    My favorite part of “You’ve Got Mail” and hilarious/wonderful/touching applied here.
    Fingers crossed for Thursday.
    In the meantime – here’s a distraction for you, just for fun. I nominated you for the Honest Scrap Award, stop by for details:
    Life After Infertility & Loss



  22. cptan on March 8, 2009 at 11:13 pm

    Great and nice information. Thanks for sharing and keep posting more useful articles. GOOD…