"Not to be" is the answer to the question

It just wasn't to be this time. There was some evidence of placental tissue in the uterus, but not much more than that. Thankfully, there was nothing to indicate an ectopic pregnancy. However, there were also no indications that this has any chance of developing into a normal pregnancy. No gestational sac. No yolk sac. No baby.

I stop meds today and will have another beta drawn in a week. If I have not started to bleed by then or if my levels are still going up, I will be scheduled for a D&C.

Chance and Apollo are doing about as well as can be expected. There are decisions to be made, and there is a game plan already established if they decide to proceed with another cycle. Dr. Sleepy took great care and spent extra time with the four of us (Frank the Fantastic included). We reviewed the previous cycle, he explained his plan for tweaking a future cycle, and gave us about a 40% chance at achieving a healthy pregnancy.

So, that is that. I'm sure I'll have more to say on the finer points of the post-nogo powwow in the clinic conference room later, but those are the basic details. I am glad and highly appreciative that Dr. S made it such a priority to speak with us immediately after the ultrasound. One thing I hate is having to wait for questions to be answered. I process the present better when there is already a plan for the future. Having unanswered questions hanging around makes it impossible for me to begin to move past something, so I am grateful that Dr. S made sure that we left with the answers that we needed before we left. I heart him.

After leaving the clinic, we did what we do best after appointments – we ate, and I think we're all now at least five pounds heavier than we were this morning. We had a long lunch at an exceptional Gullah/soul food restaurant here in South Carolina and talked some things through, already working towards putting this cycle to rest and shaping our thoughts and hopes around what might come next. Chance and Apollo are headed back to Savannah. Frank and I decided to stay here in town overnight. We left Jekyll Island at 5 am. Frank always does all the driving and he's zonked, considering the fact that we didn't got to bed until after midnight. And me — well, I need some time to fully process and destress, or I won't be any good for el Cinco. I don't want to fall to pieces when Kaelyn looks at me with that eye flutter that's all hers, or when Jordan and Jaiden crack up into their characteristic maniacal laughter, or when Kyra — the observant one — puts her hand on my cheek, tilts her eyebrow-furrowed head, and asks, "What's wrong, Mommy?" It would be too much, and I know that.

As odd as it sounds, I just need to be an infertile right now, not a mother after infertility. I need to cry for Chance and Apollo without the complication of what I can only describe as survivor's guilt. Tomorrow. I will be okay tomorrow, and el Cinco's bright faces will be a much-needed salve.

I thank all of you for the warmth, the kindness, and the flood of support that you have shown to us through this cycle. I have no qualms about being a support hog or beggar, so I hope you haven't used up all your energy on this cycle. We're going to need so much more of it when we make another go of it. I wish that I would have had better news for you today, but I'm so, so very grateful that you're here to help us through.

70 Comments

  1. Sandi on February 15, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Biggest (((hug))) possible from so far away. My heart and head are with you! I am so sorry!



  2. JuliaKB on February 15, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    And also Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    And a million I am sorrys… And an unlimited supply of hugs, on as needed basis and then some.



  3. Danielle on February 15, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I am sorry for Chance and Apollo, please give them a hug for me. And of course, I would never forget frank. I commend you on your decision to grieve and not go home right after. that was a good choice. I will NEVER not support you! Well unless you decide to give up chocolate. That I will not support ;o) Sending all four of you healing thoughts and so many hugs. Take care of yourself, please.



  4. mtnhighmama on February 15, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    Oh no. Oh Moxie. I’m so sorry. That’s lame, I know, but I am. I wish I could just wrap you in hugs, or feed you chocolates, or any of a hundred different things that blunt the sadness.



  5. Nikki on February 15, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    Moxie – I’m so very sorry. This is not fair….
    Very big hugs to all of you. I’m very sorry for Chance and Apollo as well. Sending all of you many healing vibes.



  6. Cindy on February 15, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    I’m so sorry for all of you. This infertility wringer is the biggest bitch of them all. Big big hugs.



  7. Amber on February 15, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    I am so so sorry. Sorry for all 4 of you. I wish I could say something or do something, but I know all too well that there’s nothing to say or do. But know I’m thinking of you all and your waiting hearts and hope that Chance and Apollo won’t have to wait much longer. Much love and hugs.



  8. Heather R. on February 15, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    Oh Moxie, I am soooo sorry!



  9. debbie on February 15, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    So, so sorry Moxie. What a huge bummer. I wish there was more that I could do. I’ll be thinking of you guys as you process this loss and figure out where to go from here.



  10. WhichBox on February 15, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    oh, shit. I really……well. I’m sorry. And yes, I will be here when you try again. I’m so sorry.



  11. Soapchick on February 15, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    I’m so sorry.



  12. PJ on February 15, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    Awww honey, we are here for you though thick and thin.
    Much love.
    PJ



  13. coffeegrl on February 15, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    I’m so sorry for how things went this time. I’m feeling for all of you. And I’m really hoping for better things next time around. Take good care of yourselves.



  14. Carrie Holmquist on February 15, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    I’m glad you all decided to stay put for the night. My heart aches with you all as well.



  15. Ms. J on February 15, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Sending you lots of hugs and prayers and many wishes for endless chowing down on your favorite comfort foods.
    Truth be told, if I could have ANY superpower, it’d be the ability to eat whatever I want, in whatever quantity I want, without consequence.
    I wish you just a bit of that right now.



  16. Baby Smiling In Back Seat on February 15, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    Oh Moxie, I’m so sorry for all of you.
    I don’t think it sounds odd at all to distinguish being an infertile and a mother after infertility.
    I hope that Chance gets to join you in the latter club soon.



  17. Jo on February 15, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    I am so very sorry.



  18. Becky on February 15, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    I’ve been watching and waiting and hoping (I’m sorry that I haven’t been commenting. Things are not good with me) and shit, I’m so damn sorry. I’m just so sorry.



  19. onesweetworld67@gmail.com on February 15, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    It fucking sucks Kim. There isn’t much more to say than that.



  20. Angie on February 15, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    This was not the entry I had anticipated for today. I am so very sorry for you, Chance and Apollo.



  21. beruriah on February 15, 2009 at 8:34 pm

    Well damn it. I’m sorry, Chance, Apollo, Moxie and Frank.



  22. sarah on February 15, 2009 at 8:45 pm

    hugs



  23. tash on February 15, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    I’m so heartbroken for the lot of you. I have plenty more where that came from. (Scared you, didn’t I!)
    Much, much love all around, and quick healing to you, Moxie.



  24. My Reality on February 15, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.
    I am sorry all around. I hope this isn’t too hard on you physically and my heart is breaking for C & A.



  25. Pepper on February 15, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    IF is just some shit. And I’m so sorry that all of you have to deal with such difficult stuff.



  26. Alex on February 15, 2009 at 10:33 pm

    Oh, I’m so sorry. Here’s wishing strength and kindness for each and every one of you (that is, Moxie, Frank, Chance, and Apollo).



  27. luna on February 15, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    so sorry for all of you that this was not to be. just rotten.



  28. Kristin on February 15, 2009 at 11:17 pm

    Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck…I am so damned sorry. And, there is no way in hell you could use up all our supportive energy. For you, we will ALWAYS be here.



  29. anymommy on February 15, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    Well, that is just…crushing. For me, so I can’t even begin to imagine how the four of you feel. Moxie, I wish you healing, take your time, I’m so glad Frank is at your side. To you all, I’m so very sorry.
    Love, thoughts and hugs and prayers. I’ll be with you all the way.



  30. Shawna on February 16, 2009 at 12:14 am

    Shit.



  31. nancy on February 16, 2009 at 12:46 am

    a million hugs and a million fucks.
    I’m sorry.



  32. Soralis on February 16, 2009 at 2:00 am

    I am so sorry. I was crossing my figures that it would work out. IF sucks, what more can I say!
    Hugs to all!



  33. Sara on February 16, 2009 at 4:44 am

    Aw shite. I am so sorry.



  34. Melissia on February 16, 2009 at 6:43 am

    I am also so sorry that this did not end the way of unicorns and fairy dust and skittles. Please give yourselves and Chance and Apollo some extra tlc.



  35. Betty M on February 16, 2009 at 8:06 am

    I am so sorry – it really sucks for all of you.



  36. Calliope on February 16, 2009 at 8:36 am

    oh fuck. I am so so so sorry. Beaming buckets of love to all of you. xoxoxo infinity



  37. Shelli on February 16, 2009 at 9:06 am

    I am so sorry Moxie- for you, Chance, and Apollo.



  38. Intending To Be Parents on February 16, 2009 at 9:18 am

    I’m so sorry for all of you 🙁 This sucks. Hoping second time is a charm.



  39. JuliaS on February 16, 2009 at 9:56 am

    Horrible yanking of the rug out from under one’s feet.
    I’m so sorry. I wish there were better words than that. But even if there were, I know they wouldn’t feel any better either.
    ((hugs))
    and more ((hugs))



  40. Lesha on February 16, 2009 at 9:58 am

    That sucks and I am sorry. My heart is with all of you.



  41. Bree on February 16, 2009 at 10:24 am

    Over from LFCA to add my voice to the chorus of support. I had a similar nothing-to-see-here ultrasound in December, and it was horrible. The fact that you’re striving to carry for another infertile is admirable, and I’m sorry that the path isn’t as easy as it could be. (Wait, is it ever!?)
    Wishing the best for all four of you as you plan your next steps.



  42. kara_b on February 16, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Hugs – I am so sorry to hear this news.



  43. Ann on February 16, 2009 at 11:06 am

    I’m so sorry. Hugs and well wishes to all of you, and a big old fuck you to infertility.



  44. lisajones22 on February 16, 2009 at 11:38 am

    So sorry hun!!! I look forward to better news in the future.



  45. Queenie on February 16, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Moxie and Chance and Apollo and Frank, I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out this time.
    And Moxie, you really are a rockstar. You’ve got enormous strength and courage, and I’m continually impressed to watch you keep giving the way that you do, to everyone around you. My dictionary defines “hero” as ” a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability.” And there is no question but that’s YOU.



  46. sara on February 16, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Moxie…I am so very sorry. You have given so much of yourself my heart is aching for you (and everyone else involved like Chance and Apollo). I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could give you a hug.



  47. SCY on February 16, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    I’m so sorry for you all. Fuck. So so so sorry.
    xxx



  48. JP on February 16, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    I’m so sorry for all of you that it didn’t work out this time.



  49. Ally on February 16, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    Sending you love and peace. I’m so sorry.



  50. chicklet on February 16, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    Ugh, when your beta had gone up I thought you were all in it for the long haul. This just f*g blows. Gawd.



  51. susan on February 16, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    So sorry for all of you that his wasn’t the one. Hugs, mega hugs!!



  52. Tracey on February 16, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    I am so sorry…



  53. girlh on February 16, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    NO. This is crap.
    Glad you have a plan and the doc took such good care of all of you and didn’t make you wait. I’ll be here no matter where the road takes you.
    Much love and strength to you and F and C&A.



  54. Sarah Rogers on February 16, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I was so hoping that this was going to work out for you all. This sucks!



  55. Char on February 17, 2009 at 9:43 am

    Dear Moxie
    I am so sorry to read your news. All of us out here in the blogosphere were SO hoping for you! Sending you some hugs and heartfelt thoughts and wishes for you! I’m so sorry, my cyberfriend!



  56. annacyclopedia on February 17, 2009 at 10:50 am

    I’m so very sorry. I will be praying for all of you, sending each of you healing and peace.



  57. Pam on February 17, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    I’m so sorry for all of you.



  58. Kathy on February 17, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    I am so sorry Moxie, Frank, Chance and Apollo. (((HUGS))) I hadn’t checked in for a few days and this was not the news I was hoping or expecting to find. You all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers as you heal physically and emotionally and discern what’s next.



  59. Alicia Millis on February 17, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    crap. hugs for you and chance and apollo.



  60. Amanda on February 17, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    I am so sorry. My heart is heavy for all of you.



  61. Kahla on February 17, 2009 at 10:31 pm

    I am so sorry, for all four of you.



  62. Fiddle1 on February 18, 2009 at 9:54 am

    I’m so saddened and surprised. Holding all four of your hands…



  63. niobe on February 18, 2009 at 9:57 am

    I’m beyond sorry. I know that none of us can see the future, but I so hope that better things are coming for all of you.



  64. Former IM on February 18, 2009 at 10:17 am

    I’m late getting here, but I wanted to add that I’m really sorry this didn’t work out.



  65. jenn on February 18, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    Damn, I wasn’t prepared for news like that. I am sorry. ALL of you are in my prayers.



  66. Coggy on February 19, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    I’m gutted for you all. I hope you guys are all doing OK.



  67. Bon on February 19, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    i came back to see if there was any further news and realized that my first comment from Sunday night had gone poof. so, at risk of being repetitive, fuck…i am so sorry, all of you.
    and no, my hope and support are not used up. not in the least. here. abiding.
    take care.



  68. Wishing4One on February 20, 2009 at 5:49 am

    I haven’t been here for you this cycle, and I am sorry. I am so glad there were so many that were though and I am so sad that I got over here today finally and had to read this. My friend you will be better tomorrow. Missed you and forgive me. Wishy xoxoxoxo



  69. Heather R. on February 21, 2009 at 5:46 am

    Just popping in to check on you. I hope all is as well as it can be. I think about you everyday, Moxie. Not in a “I’m gonna get you.” stalker way =), but as a friend who wishes you the best. Hurry back to us. We miss you.



  70. Amber on February 21, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    Thinking about you all the time and hoping you (and everyone in your fabulous foursome) are doing ok. Sending love from Texas.