Duplicitous leap

It is a rare occasion when Frank pisses me off to the utmost of pisstivity, angered to such an extent that I feel the urge to whack off his manbiscuits, saute them, then serve them to him for dinner. Saintly spirit be damned — even Frank the Fantastic has moments here and there where just as with any man, a stack of Bibles and vat holy water does little to exorcise the pesky demon that sometimes crawls into hidden crannies of their cranial spaces and tugs on the lever labelled PULL HERE TO SAY SOMETHING STUPID TO MY WOMAN FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN I'M A TESTOSTERONE-LADEN ASSHOLE. So, I did what any other hormone-sensitive woman would do: I pushed the TAKE A RIDE ON THE GUILT TRIP RAILROAD button and reduced him to his bony, shameful knees, where he is currently grovelling for forgiveness. *ahem*

Also, the business of This Is Over is now mostly over. Saturday hung like a kryptonite albatross from my neck, not a burden of guilt, but one of regret. It is impossible not to weaken when feeling your or your friends' shouldhavebeen flow into the neverwas.

By way of weeks, this last one sucked.

But, that is the past.

What lies ahead is a cliff. There are no next steps. No forks in the road. No options, no alternatives, no divergence in the yellow wood with one worn path and one less travelled. For Chance and Apollo, there is only this precipice, this last move more leap than step. This is it. It either works or it doesn't. Of course, there's no way to tell which of those endings will come to be, but one thing we do know for sure is that good or bad, this cycle will be the last cycle.

It is a heavy thing indeed to know either the end of something or the beginning of something is in you, but not up to you. Heavy, indeed.

It's even heavier knowing that this cliff that our toes are edged on is one carved from the end of financial reserve. I don't know much about anything, but it seems to me that ending the quest to have a family is even more painful when the heart is still willing but the logistical ability isn't anymore. It is begrudgingly grinding to a halt when the inertia of your movement still pushes you forward.

As such…we need help. The cycle will proceed without it, but every little bit makes it that much easier. In Chance's own words, "I am not even embarrassed about it anymore, because this will be it. The end, and that kills me, the thought of it. But I'll just have to accept that this is it, and my life is what it is, but without any kids. It's pretty brutal, but I'll have no choice but to accept it. Embarrassment pales in comparison to that." It sure as hell does.

So, assistance with the procurement of meds is something for which we would be eternally grateful. Just spreading the word if you would be so inclined to do so would be immensely helpful. What we will need:

4500 units Follistim
Lupron (to total two 2-week kits)
70 (seventy) 0.1 mg Vivelle dots (at least)
20 cc progesterone in ethyl oleate (at least)

Everything else we need for cycling is either relatively minor in cost or we have meds remaining from the last cycle. Chance will also take Saizen this time around, the same growth hormone that seemed to improve Mia's response in her last cycle with me. As Saizen isn't widely prescribed yet, it isn't likely that anyone has any extra sitting in the fridge door just waiting for the expiration date to pass.

If you have any leftover meds that you are able to donate, please email me at the link under my picture with what you are able to give and in what amount. A la Bleu, I'll put the list in my sidebar and will update as the offers (hopefully) come in.

With all of your words of support and comfort and much needed humor (you guys seriously crack me up when you sprinkled FUCKS! of disappointment in the past couple of weeks), I feel that I have received far more than I have given. I thank you greatly for that. All of your emails and hugs sent through the divide have meant so, so very much to me. You are the wind beneath my red cape, and I give a shit how utterly corny that sounds; it is the truth.

And with that, I'm off to take a long, hot shower and run out the hot water before Frank comes home from the gym. My own demon has nestled its way into the revenge section of my brain and is jumping on the PETTY BITCH button. Oh, me so evil. πŸ™‚

Humor me – What have YOU done when your Petty Bitch button is switched into the "on" position?

29 Comments

  1. Cindy on February 23, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    You know, we’re all allowed just a little bit of bitch every now and then…
    *deep breath*
    I have no meds, but I’m sending you tons of hope.



  2. onesweetworld67@gmail.com on February 23, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    Oh God girl, I’m on lupron right now. As Elton John would say: The bitch is baaaaack!!! Right now I am sitting on my butt watching The Bachelor and dear husband is in the kitchen cooking me dinner. Like it should be as far as I’m concerned. “Get your ass in the kitchen and cook me some dinner!!! I am taking these goddamned shots in the stomach the least you could do is make me a grilled cheese!!!!”



  3. Moxie on February 23, 2009 at 10:11 pm

    Angry, I think I said those exact same words to Frank two months ago when I was on Lupron. You are hysterical.



  4. luna on February 23, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    ah, that cliff, I know it well. it’s a real freaking bitch.
    sorry for the terrible week you’ve had. and chance and apollo too.
    and too bad I just donated my meds to another worthy traveller.
    as for what I’ve done when my button has been pushed, I’ll have to think about that one.



  5. Moxie on February 23, 2009 at 10:16 pm

    He might beg to differ, but I think I’m only TRULY bitch when he’s TRULY being an asshole, which thankfully for both of us is rare.



  6. Kristin on February 23, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    Damn…its a real bitch that economics are limiting their family building opportunities. I wish I had meds to donate.
    Praying hard for all of you…and wishing I was a fly on the wall so I could see that Petty Bitch button being pushed.
    {{{{{Hugs}}}}}



  7. Moxie on February 23, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    Just knowing that you’re here, Luna, is more than I could ask for. Your comments especially have lifted me. I still think of the “Bye-bye Bush special” and snort.



  8. anymommy on February 23, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    I take my petty bitch side over to Secret Spineless Whine. Check it out. Sometimes, just reading other peoples’ petty moments makes me feel awesome.
    I have thought of you every single day for the last month (or more) and Chance and Apollo. I am on the edge of the cliff with you, holding my breath. I hope you all get a few moments of rest and recovery and peace while you’re waiting to leap.
    love, me



  9. tash on February 23, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    I push the “I’m not gonna say a fucking word until you figure out what the hell it was you did and come to me on bended me — preferably with a nice present — and APOLOGIZE for being such a wicked asshole.” I’ve done silent treatment for 48 hours. Heh.
    Well shit y’all, I have nothing to give. Let’s let Mel know on LFCA. I’m on the cliff with you both. I’ll drive the car if you let me.



  10. k@lakly on February 23, 2009 at 11:09 pm

    I have nothing, no meds, no words, to offer that will fix it. And I hate that. I like to fix things, I hate when I can’t help. And I especially loathe to see friends with broken dreams and hearts.
    I am hoping like hell that this cycle will make it. I guess that is all I have to offer, HOPE.
    xxoo



  11. Moxie on February 23, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    Tash, I did the silent treatment for the past week, quite literally. I only initiated the conversation this morning because, quite frankly (hahaha), iggin’ him is starting to get boring. Letting him grovel is much more lucrative.



  12. Moxie on February 23, 2009 at 11:12 pm

    I’ll have to check out SSW. I haven’t read there since you posted about your errr…chesty problem. πŸ™‚



  13. Moxie on February 23, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    That’s exactly it, Kat; I’m a fixer, and it’s twice as hard being the tool and STILL not being able to fix things. I do have hope though…but that’s a whole other post (and a wee bit scary).



  14. Moxie on February 23, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    It’s actually kinda funny, me in PBM. I fuss; Frank laughs. He says I’m too small to raise a good fuss and be taken completely seriously. Which, damn him, actually is kinda funny.



  15. Danielle on February 24, 2009 at 2:09 am

    Oh I’m SURE I’ve done some petty bullshit, but I can’t think of one, DAMMIT! They’re some good ones too. When I rack my brain and if I find one, I’ll email it to you, because DAMMIT I’m gonna make you laugh! I’m going to post an entry for your meds. It’s ICLW so I BET someone will know someone who has meds. It’s worth a shot, right? Thinking and praying for you! Sending EVERYONE some peaceful vibes, hon!



  16. foreverloves on February 24, 2009 at 3:11 am

    Too bad you are not taking Gonal F. I have a 450 IU multi dose vial left, and one Ovidrel trigger. I never used follistim, but I wish you much luck.



  17. SCY on February 24, 2009 at 4:39 am

    I wish I had some meds to send! But coming from SA with our dodgy postal service I would not have bet on them arriving anyway πŸ˜‰
    Thinking of you guys!
    xxxx



  18. Jo on February 24, 2009 at 8:23 am

    I wish I had something to give. As it is, you will all be in my prayers.



  19. wishing4one on February 24, 2009 at 11:04 am

    hey smarty, i so wish i had some meds to give you, but i am sending you my thoughts from across the world that this will be it. even if i did have meds they would be different, but oh-so-much-cheaper-than-there let me tell you! that is why we have been able to do so many trials here, costs a fraction of what it does there. any less in quality, don’t think so, but still hasn’t brought us a baby yet….maybe soon. thinking of u.



  20. wishing4one on February 24, 2009 at 11:04 am

    hey smarty, i so wish i had some meds to give you, but i am sending you my thoughts from across the world that this will be it. even if i did have meds they would be different, but oh-so-much-cheaper-than-there let me tell you! that is why we have been able to do so many trials here, costs a fraction of what it does there. any less in quality, don’t think so, but still hasn’t brought us a baby yet….maybe soon. thinking of u.



  21. wishing4one on February 24, 2009 at 11:04 am

    hey smarty, i so wish i had some meds to give you, but i am sending you my thoughts from across the world that this will be it. even if i did have meds they would be different, but oh-so-much-cheaper-than-there let me tell you! that is why we have been able to do so many trials here, costs a fraction of what it does there. any less in quality, don’t think so, but still hasn’t brought us a baby yet….maybe soon. thinking of u.



  22. Alicia Millis on February 24, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    I have no meds!! If I did they would be yours! I hope those meds you need to get donated though, I will send prayers that you not only get all the meds you need, but that this last cycle is a succesful one!
    Petty bitch button stories, hmmmm….hid all the batteries in the house so the x-box controllers would be usless!



  23. Amanda on February 24, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    Lately, my petty bitch has come out by letting the dogs and/or baby tear up whatever crap he leaves all over the ground. Because he refuses to clean up after himself. I also let Baby Bear unhook his xBox repeatedly….hmmmm, maybe you should have put it inside the entertainment center like I have been asking you to do for months?????



  24. Ashley H. on February 24, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    Ahh, I’ve been a bitch recently and I think my hubby has had his a-hole moments as well. Oh, the joys of stress! Hang in there…it doesn’t help that you have fake hormones spewing throughout your body..



  25. Andrea on February 24, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    If you were doing Gonal-F, I could totally help you out, but I have no done the Follistim thing. So sorry!
    As for me being mega bitch, I wish I could count the ways in which that’s occured! πŸ™‚ No really, I’m not that bad, but I’m queen of the silent treatment when my DH is full on asshole. That really gets him repenting. I can’t eve keep it up for more than a few hours, bt even a short dpan of it usually works wonders. Man, I’m awful!
    Much love and many prayers to you in your upcoming cycle!



  26. Andrea on February 24, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Man, I really can’t type! Sorry!



  27. Erica on February 24, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    Hi Moxie! New to your blog but came over from Beautiful Mess’ blog. I have some meds. Please stop by the blog and let me know if you can use all, some, or none. Hopefully this will help.
    11 Vivelle 0.1 patches
    3 10 mL Progesterone in Sesame Oil
    I don’t have any Follistim meds, but I do have 3 unopened Gonal-F pens. 2 expire in May ’09, 1 not until 3 ’10.
    Let me know if you can use them. πŸ™‚



  28. Bleu on February 25, 2009 at 6:43 am

    Love to you sister friend. I wish I had more leftovers to send.



  29. Kari on February 25, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    KYM, I wish you were on delestrogen, I have a full bottle of that and syringes but nothing else on your list, I am sorry, I so wanted to help! I will up the prayers for your little 4-some as thats all I can do. I wish you the best. and surely know how you feel with this being our last cycle as well. Nothing like a little more pressure to succeed! and that is eactly what we shall do, SUCCEED!!!