Tragic syllogism

This is different.

For each of my prior three journeys, attempting surrogacy was a middle step and not the final resort. There were other possible options ahead — Plans B and C — just in case.

In retrospect, I didn't realize the level of comfort I took in the knowledge of the implied if-thens: If this doesn't work, then at least there's still a chance for them. If this doesn't work, then I just want them to become parents whether or not I am their surrogate. I will see them through that.

But, this is different.

For the if of the next cycle not working, there is no then other than this is the end.

How do you reconcile your heart with the idea that all there ever will be is all there ever was? 

If there was an answer to that, then we wouldn't all be here throwing such rhetoric out into the Universe, pleading for understanding.


  1. Danielle on March 10, 2009 at 11:29 am

    Someone’s been doing a lot of thinking, I see. You’re going to drive yourself crazy if you continue to think like this. Unfortunately there’s no answer to your question. I wish there was and I was able to hand it to ALL of you a big beautiful silver platter. Take comfort in knowing that you have A LOT of people you have never met pulling for you. We are all doing our part to help you all through this. Weather it’s something “big” like donating meds, or something “small” like sending you a virtual hug, well all got your backs. Hang in there sweetie. We’re all here for all four of you.

  2. tash on March 10, 2009 at 11:29 am

    There is only trying, and the knowledge that you did everything you could. That you can get to a place in the future and know you did everything possible, regardless of outcome.
    I need to get me to a place like that.
    And not for nothing, if my final plan were in your hands (so to speak), I’d be mighty comfortable indeed. Hang tough.

  3. Shelli on March 10, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    I wonder the same thing, because I too have reached The End (in that… if this DE cycle doesn’t work I guess I really am done).
    I am trying every day to prepare myself for either ending.
    There is no answer, really. I so wish there was.

  4. Heather R. on March 10, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    I can’t speak past the lump in my throat.

  5. JessPond on March 10, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    All you can do it try your best….
    And…in the end…there is always a “and then”….I mean sometimes it’s not the first choice, or even the most wonderful thing, but there will always be a “and then” until one dies…and any “and then” can have its beauty too.

  6. Kristin on March 10, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    Oh hon…praying hard for everyone in this situation.

  7. Io on March 10, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    Gack. Getting all choked up here. I wish I could comment with some sort of answer, but there isn’t one, is there?

  8. anymommy on March 10, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    I just don’t know. I have a huge hug to give you all.

  9. coffeegrl on March 10, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    unnnh. That’s all I can think of to say. Not poetic, or meaningful, but the situation isn’t either. There’s nothing that makes it “feel better” is there?
    Well maybe virtual hugs are a step in the right direction? *hug*

  10. Pamela Jeanne on March 11, 2009 at 12:33 am

    This question: “How do you reconcile your heart with the idea that all there ever will be is all there ever was?” says it all…I’m still wrestling with the answer…
    Sending some love your way.

  11. luna on March 11, 2009 at 2:20 am

    “How do you reconcile your heart with the idea that all there ever will be is all there ever was? ”
    I never could, sadly. Tash is right that you may find some comfort if you have done all you could. but a peaceful heart? let me know if you find the answer.

  12. Sara on March 11, 2009 at 7:50 am

    I don’t know the answer, Moxie, and I really hope that this journey doesn’t end with that question.

  13. Amanda on March 12, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    I sincerely hope that all goes well this time and that you don’t have to answer those questions. (((HUGS)))