Happy Whatever Day

Did you know that today is lace oatmeal cookie day, Pillsbury Doughboy Day (his birthday), and Goddess of Fertility day?

Sheesh. You infertilies.

Today is your day! Celebrate Aphrodite and all those other Greek gods and goddesses of fertility! Burn some incense in honor of her and then go get freaky with your dude (or thaw out that sperm) and you're sure to get knocked up today!

Oh, wait a minute — I forgot who I was talking to. You're one of those people who do those acronym things … those IUIdoohickies or IVFamabobs or you pop those pills because you can't get pregnant like the normal people, right?

Ooh! You better watch out with that stuff, because I heard that my girlfriend's cousin's brother and his wife did that in vitro thing and they implanted four embryos but one split or something because now she's pregnant with FIVE babies! It's something like that, that chick out in California! How 'bout this joke – I heard that a restaurant in the hometown where she lives is serving up a new breakfast special. You get eight eggs, no sausage, and the person in the next booth pays for it.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I crack myself up. Royally.

I have an idea! Maybe since you can't get pregnant, you can just adopt one of hers! I mean, she has enough to go around and adoption in general is easy, isn't it?

***crickets chirping***

What, did I say something?

It's also National Awkward Moment Day.

I'll just shut up and go eat some cookies now.


Have an awkward moment to share? Here's one from me – yesterday one of the lunch ladies felt the need to get all nostalgiac about how small I used to be before I "had all those babies." That was ten years ago, woman. Why does it seem like she misses my non-flabby stomach and smaller stature more than I do? Then she proceeded to ask me about "that white baby" I had and whether or not I wished I could have brought him home. I spaced out for a moment amidst the fantasy of shoving a stalk of celery up her nose and following that with a carrot stick in the ear.

22 thoughts on “Happy Whatever Day”

  1. GeekByMarriage

    Great Octopussy joke! I’d have looked at the lunch lady and been like, “You’re still here, lunch lady?” To which she’d happily sling Sloppy Joe gook in my face.

  2. A day dedicated to the lacy oatmeal cookie? That’s just amazing. Awkward moments – can’t think of the last one I know I had. Feels like I have them all the time here in Japan, but I’m not sure how much of that is my limited grasp on the language. So I never know FOR SURE if I’m having an awkward moment. Keeps things… interesting.

  3. Who does that?! The only people that can crack on weight is yourself, it’s a RULE! I know you could have easily snapped back a blow, but you are much better then that.

  4. Ok so I’m cracking up over the restaurant joke. that’s funny stuff. How rude of cafeteria lady to comment on your weight like that. People are so damn nosy. I love the celery up the nose and carrot in the ear. I can’t think of any awkward moments but god knows I have them.

  5. that’s…really wierd. not even the weight comments, but asking if you wanted to take that white baby home? even if you did, why the fuck would you tell HER?? but, i have triplets and i’ve had many maaaaany weird questions. i still don’t know what they’re thinking, though.

  6. It’s awkward waking up and realizing you were totally runk and blogging.
    If when I have kids anyone asks me if I want to take my black baby home I will shove a stalk of celery up their nose and laugh.

  7. Dude, that’s not awkward, that’s fucked up. When’s fucked-up day? And can we go around shoving celery sticks up people’s nose then without impunity?

  8. hahahaha! you know, I’ve told people before that I will just adopt one of psycho octo-mom’s babies, because its only a matter of time before Dept of Social Services realizes she’s a bonehead and takes those kids away. 🙂
    this post had me laughing so hard.
    Love the octomom breakfast special joke!
    you’ve made my day, and its still before noon!

  9. Now I want cookies.
    Love the jokes, hate the comments from your lunch friend! Oh my gosh! Body fat comments? “That white baby”??? Whaaaa?
    Awkward moments, awkward moments….hmmmmm….I’ve been relatively free of them lately. Maybe tops right now is my friend saying, after getting pg on the third round of sex after bcp’s….”I’m just glad it was fairly (she used OPK’s. uh huh) natural!!”

  10. I’m thinking about anoher place that you might want to shove that celery stick. Hey, maybe it’ll get her preggers!

  11. WOAH! What the….?! Why do people think it’s OK to say stuff like that?! Oh yeah, they don’t think..sheesh! I don’t think the celery or the carrots would be out of line in the least.

    You slay me – truly, and I totally heart you for that! Off to have my octo-eggs now and let someone else handle the tab . . .
    I think your lunch lady is related to my Walmart door-greeter, the one who keeps asking me if I’ve been “fixed” yet. After the hysterectomy I was tempted to ask for that uterus so I could take it to her in a jar . . .

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