Things I know too damned much about

  1. A  newly refilled bottle of 800 mgs Motrin can sometimes be my best friend.
  2. It always takes exactly five days from "stop meds" to start bleeding. The fact that I knew that I should put pads on yesterday morning (yes, more than one) before I left for work (and before any bleeding started) just speaks to how used to this shit I've grown.
  3. I know how to overlap the pads just so to avoid embarassing leakage.
  4. There's a different arrangement for being up and about during the day than there is for being flat on your back in the bed.
  5. Let a friend drive to lunch if you plan on downing a 22 oz. margarita with your fajitas during your lunch break.
  6. An alcoholic beverage is a good complement to the Motrin.
  7. Baby wipes are a must-have for heavy duty clean up. Fucked up, isn't it?
  8. Use OSOM card tests (only found at medical supply sites online) to detect hCG at the earliest point possible. It was 3.5dp5dt this time and last.
  9. OSOM test lines are as dark as the control lines with a beta of 50. FRERs are about half as dark as the control with a beta of 50.
  10. FRER will show a faint line with a beta of 13. OSOM lines are fairly dark at that point. FRER lines should be as dark as or almost as dark as the control to indicate a beta around 100.
  11. CBE digital will show PREGNANT with a beta of 13.
  12. I think it's fairly stupid that those damned things say PREGNANT.
  13. The presence of hCG does not necessarily mean PREGNANT.
  14. I can tell what my hCG levels are doing by judging the darkness on tests.
  15. Lines on pregnancy tests mean everything and nothing.
  16. Lines that don't get darker mean everything.
  17. Lines that get fainter mean you're fucked.
  18. Judging from the state of my lines, I wasn't altogether surprised to get the first beta of 50 or the second beta of 46. I even told niobe, "The lines aren't any darker, I don't think. But they're not any lighter, either, and that's a good thing because then I'd know for sure that it's over. But I think it should be darker. I know we only need at least a 60% rise to be able to keep going, so I'm hoping for at least a beta of 80. But these lines…I think I might have stalled. Hopefully not…hopefully it's gone up enough to make a difference but maybe not enough to register on the test."
  19. I'll be fucked if I wasn't right about it stalling.
  20. I hate that I can see a chemical coming from a mile away.
  21. I usually know what the results are before I get the phone call.
  22. No, maybe it's a twisted gift of sorts…it gives me time to prepare for the actual results so that I don't get sideswiped out of left field with bad news.
  23. I know too much about bad news.
  24. I know too fucking much about saying goodbye and having to move on.

32 Comments

  1. PJ on May 30, 2009 at 9:12 am

    Oh Moxie, I wish I could say or do something that would help. I agree, it’s just all so very fucked up.



  2. Kathy on May 30, 2009 at 9:57 am

    (((HUGS))) You, Frank, Chance and Apollo are in my thoughts and prayers.



  3. Cindy on May 30, 2009 at 10:22 am

    Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. What do we have to do to learn and know more about happy things?
    Hubby and I are planning some weekend getaways…and guess where our first stop will probably be…more details to come and hope to share on of those 22 oz. maragaritas with you.



  4. Michell on May 30, 2009 at 10:36 am

    I hear you. I once got a faint positive on an FRER with a beta of 6.



  5. tash on May 30, 2009 at 11:22 am

    Stuff no one should have to know about.
    Except maybe the designated driver at lunch.
    Sending all my love to you, Chance, and Apollo. I’m still just crushed by all this.



  6. Shelli on May 30, 2009 at 11:49 am

    I hate that I know equally as much too.
    I am so sorry you all are hurting. I wish I could reach through cyberspace and give you a big hug.



  7. jill on May 30, 2009 at 11:52 am

    Still so upset this didn’t work out for you all. sigh.



  8. Nishkanu on May 30, 2009 at 11:57 am

    I am so, so sorry you know these things. Thinking a lot of you and Chance.



  9. Kristin on May 30, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    Oh honey…I am so very sorry. And, I understand. I remember thinking how damned sad it was that i had learned to read early u/s well enough to know how badly they sucked.



  10. Becky on May 30, 2009 at 12:25 pm

    Shit. Moxie. Shit. I’m so damn sorry.



  11. anymommy on May 30, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Yeah, you do. I’ve been thinking about you constantly, wondering and worrying about you all. I want this to be different, I want this post to be different, I wishes were horses…
    You amaze me. I’m so sorry for this pain and loss.



  12. Danielle on May 30, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    All of you have been in my thoughts! I am so sorry, to all of you. I wish, so much, that there was something that could be done. It’s just too painful and so wrong.
    *HUGS*



  13. Melissa on May 30, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    Sending you lots of love and hugs.
    This f-in blows, I’m sorry.



  14. Betty M on May 30, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    I’m sorry. I hate that we know this kind of stuff.



  15. Lorza on May 30, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    aww sweetie…what you wouldn’t give to give all that knowledge up, huh? I hope you get to feeling better…
    um, I want to work where you do if you get to drink 24oz margs at lunch. šŸ™‚ To bad I don’t live near you. I would get one with ya!



  16. Calliope on May 30, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    love you. my heart is still just breaking over all of this for all of you.



  17. Carrie Holmquist on May 30, 2009 at 8:19 pm

    There are more of those 22ozs waiting for you šŸ˜‰



  18. Baby Smiling In Back Seat on May 30, 2009 at 8:21 pm

    Oh Moxie, the things that we know and wish we’d never had to learn. My heart goes out to all of you.
    FYI, for those who can’t handle the baby aisle at such times, there are non-baby wipes (often euphemistically called “personal wipes” or “intimate wipes”) that do the job just as well. They don’t have any photos of babies on the package, and they’re sold with the toilet paper instead of in the baby aisle. They’re pretty much the same price.



  19. Sara on May 30, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    I so wish that nobody had to know those things. I’m sorry.



  20. Alexicographer on May 30, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    I’ve long liked the saying that knowledge is power, but I think this is a clear example that it ain’t necessarily so.
    Glad you’ve got an alcoholic beverage to go with your Motrin.



  21. whitney on May 30, 2009 at 10:37 pm

    kym im sorry that you have this journey, i know it is not what you wanted for chance and apollo or you. i thin kwhat you do is awsome, i hope chance and apollo are doing okay, i know sometimes you don’t want to hear the cheering in the back ground, sometimes you just wants be bummed, mad, dissapointed, hurt but know that i wish more for you all, i don’t know how but there is a plan.



  22. JessPond on May 30, 2009 at 11:11 pm

    I’m so sorry for you, Chance, and Apollo. šŸ™



  23. sara on May 30, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    I’m wish I had something better to say than some lame ass “I’m sorry….but darn it girl…I’m so sorry.
    xoxoxo



  24. nycphoenxi on May 31, 2009 at 1:23 am

    jus twant ed to say ive been lurking and i don;t have enough words to express how i feel. monkey balls



  25. Andrea on May 31, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    This sucks ass. Majorly. ((HUGS))



  26. Lassie on May 31, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    I’ve been thinking about you, feeling sad about how things turned out, hoping you are okay.
    Your thoughts make me think of the saying, ignorance is bliss. I’ve been daydreaming lately, wishing we could create selective amnesia somehow. Life would be so much more easier. Take care.



  27. charmedgirl on June 1, 2009 at 8:28 am

    i still can’t fucking believe this whole thing. i really can’t. i’ve been thinking of all of you. this really sucks rat’s ass in hell.



  28. Kate on June 1, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    One of those times where you wish they could go all “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” on you and take away the bad. i’m thinking of you and chance and apollo, trying to come up with magic comforting words and instead coming up empty handed. take the motrin, drink the margaritas and we’re here if you need us.



  29. Heather R. on June 2, 2009 at 11:12 am

    Thinking about you and hoping you’re ok, hun. Much love!



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