In which I ramble…

Mentally at least, I'm pretty sure that I'm back on the other side of the break point. I had to say goodbye to Chance and Apollo Saturday afternoon. We did okay through lunch and managed to part ways without shedding a tear (opting for "see you later" vs. "goodbye), but I admit to breaking out into an ugly cry the moment I got back in my van and I bawled most of the way back home.

I gave myself a week to wallow in misery (and snot), and then forced myself to get up yesterday and make the first real steps towards moving on. That's how it goes…I have to disconnect from the sadness over things gone wrong and the goodbyes, and then re-engage more deeply into the goings on of everyday life. So, on that angle I know that I've come through the worst of it…my main concern of course is for Chance and Apollo and how they are coping with needing to move on to the next stage in their life.

To continue in the vein of the parable that niobe recently posted (it's a must-read if you haven't read), it's not my bag of troubles. I don't mean that flippantly, apathetically, or uncaringly. That is only to say that as a surrogate, I choose to pick up someone else's bag of troubles labeled "infertility and loss" and try to help shoulder the burden for a while. No matter what I must personally endure while carrying it, the bag doesn't belong to me and there comes a point when I have to give it back, even though I wish like all hell that I could still help somehow.

And of course, there is that touch of survivor's guilt that I even have the choice to set that load down, to regretfully have to push it back entirely on their shoulders and then turn around and have the shameful, yet reflexive audacity to feel at least a small sense of relief that I have the option in the first place, when they don't. After working so intimately and so in sync with with them for so long, it's a complicated untangling of my mindset from theirs, but this realignment of my mind is necessary and leaves me where I know I need to be — taking a step back to a place alongside those of you who support Chance and Apollo by proxy of supporting me,  and alongside those of you who also know Chance personally and have supported her for the past couple of years. We all try to support them best way we possibly can, hurting for them but still knowing that we have our own lives to lead. I know we all wish that the joys of parenthood could be known to Chance and Apollo, and we all hurt that their road can no longer be on a path in attempt to get them there. 

I hurt terribly for Chance and Apollo, but as far as I personally am concerned, I know that I'm over the hurdle and I'm trying to look ahead to brighter things and new opportunities. As moving on goes, mentally — I'm there. Physically, not so much, apparently. Betas:
 
May 22 = 50
May 24 = 46
May 30 = 355
June 1 = 460-something
 
In a nutshell, this isn't viable and wasn't to begin with. TMI – I bled from Friday-Sunday. Yesterday it tapered off into nothing. With the other chemicals I bled for 1-2 weeks. Dr. Sleepy said that I will likely restart bleeding within the next few days and will "fully miscarry" (his words, not mine). Next Monday I will have another beta. If I have not started to bleed and/or my beta continues to go up significantly by then, I will be scheduled for a D&C and possibly a shot of methotrexate, depending on what the D&C yields. *sigh* I can handle this…it's just exhausting. I mean, hell — at least we could have caught a break on the resolution of this cycle, but even that can't be easy for us. Like I said — I can personally handle this without it leaving me a deep emotional rut, but Chance and Apollo just do not need anything else added to make that bag of troubles any heavier. I hate that they have to go through this. I completely hate it.
 
So, that's where things stand as of now on that front. I have Stubborn Undropping Beta Syndrome, otherwise known as Some Unnecessary BullShit (SUBS).
 
exhale
 
This is also where things start to feel a little…odd…around here in my personal blogland. Yes, the surrogacy and the cycling and the betas and the loss are a part of me and a very large part of why we're all here reading, but it is not all of me or even most of me, at least not right now. This is that transitional time, where the balances both in my life and in this blog shift again. I can't help but feel a little schizo and…I guess weird about writing about some of the the things I want to share. There are lots of good things going on here, too. Blogger friends to thank for keeping me afloat through phone calls, emails, hugs, and comments of commiseration or comments which simply said something to the effect of "this sucks monkey ass" — which it did, but I laughed my ass off through the tears just the same. Funny children who are dazzled by the splendor of summer and all the potential that it holds. A husband who as of today, is now a kolidge stoodent. You should have seen him with his bookbag. Actually, you will see him with his bookbag, because I totally took First Day of School pictures of him. For the next couple of weeks, there will be days in which one post will bemoan the aforementioned SUBS and how much emotional havoc that might wreak and me and C&A, but then the next moment I'll jerk hard in the opposite direction and write about something stupidly hilarious that el Cinco did. So, yeah…for a little while it will feel just…weird and awkward to post about all that is happy joy and sunshine in my life right now, but at the same time, I know that it is right that I should, and that it is okay that I do.
 
Because after all, Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
 
 
…which is as it should be.

27 Comments

  1. In Due Time on June 2, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    (((((Hugs)))))) Hang in there honey. It does suck Monkey balls. We love you. xoxo!



  2. Heather R. on June 2, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    I love you so very much. I wish we could divide up all the pain and hurting so no one would have to shoulder it all alone. Everyone gets a little piece.



  3. Alexicographer on June 2, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    I am sad for Chance and Apollo, and for everyone struggling with infertility at whatever phase.
    Anyone waiting to “fully miscarry” (even) a (surrogate) pregnancy who is able to focus on happy joy has only my greatest awe and good wishes for as smooth an outcome as possible from here. I wish things were different … that you were instead facing the uncomfortable summer heat in the early stages of a healthy pregnancy, but that it’s not so is beyond any of our control.
    I hope Chance and Apollo will come to a place where they are happy with where their path has led them. I’m sorry it’s not the destination they intended, wanted, and have sought so diligently.



  4. Kristin on June 2, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    {{{Hugs}}} honey…we love you and I was thinking more along the lines of it sucks big hairy donkey dicks (sorry, even for me that is blunt but that’s how it is).



  5. Danielle on June 2, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    I don’t know what to say. Everything I want to say is so cliche or has already been said (better then I could) but please know I’m sending you lots of love. I’m sad for the outcome. I wish, SO much, that the pain was not pain at all, but so much joy. I’m pissed that it happened this way and I do not understand. I want to hold Chance and Apollo and make the pain go away. I want to hold you and cry with you and help you get it out. I just want so much to do SOMETHING. I feel helpless and it sucks! Stupid broken magic wand!
    *HUGS*



  6. Baby Smiling In Back Seat on June 2, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    What is up with those rising betas? It’s out of the question that the second beta was a fluke (maybe vanishing twin or something) and the betas really are rising, right? Not trying to bring false hope, just confused.
    I have to imagine that coming to this point has been easier for Chance and Apollo because you have joined them on this part of the journey.



  7. Sandi on June 2, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    I needed this post as much as you did. I just sit and worry and wonder about you and how you are doing. I am NOT here because of the IVF/surrogacy, I am here for you. I can’t wait to get to know more of you in the next few months. Stay strong girl.



  8. My Reality on June 2, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    Seriously, beta hell of top of it all? I don’t get it.



  9. Kate on June 2, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    Yep, sucks monkeys balls. Which at least the monkeys are happy then right?



  10. Andrea on June 2, 2009 at 7:05 pm

    I so wish it would have turned out differently for all of you. Why must your body toy with you so? That’s the worst!!!



  11. Cindy on June 2, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    Sorry about the beta bullshit. What the hell? Insult to injury? But you are right…no matter who we are or where we are…life goes on.



  12. dawn on June 2, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    sorry that nothing in our lives is simple or easy. sending you much love and hugs!



  13. Melissa on June 2, 2009 at 8:17 pm

    you know what’s weird? my friend Carl doesn’t get why women say “it sucks balls” b/c according to him “that’s a good thing”
    Just wanted to bring a little nonsense into the SUBS situation.
    ((HUGS))
    You fucking rule, you’re my hero.



  14. Sara on June 2, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    Like Sandi said, I am not here for the surrogacy, I’m here for you.
    I’m so sorry about the SUBS, and my heart breaks for Apollo and Chance. I hope they find their day in the sun sometime soon.



  15. Michell on June 2, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    That whole SUBS thing sucks majorly.
    This is really a great post. I hadn’t really considered before that someone doing surrogacy for someone else had the whole mental TTC thing going on just like other IF’s do but also dealing with knowing it’s someone elses grief etc.
    I’m glad that you’re able to mentally disentangle. Hope that the numbers start dropping on their own. Hugs to you.



  16. JessPond on June 2, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    I’m sorry still for Chance and Apollo. Heartbreaking, for sure.
    But I will be here for you, too, for the happy as well. After all, I’m not mired in IF atm either.
    Onward, onward, onward.



  17. anymommy on June 3, 2009 at 12:08 am

    xoxoxoxox. Love you. You write what you need. Betas when it’s betas. El cinco at the park the next day. That’s life. That’s what makes it, oh I don’t know,…life?



  18. coffeegrl on June 3, 2009 at 7:01 am

    You know we love you and want to hear WHATEVER you have to say, even the random and rambling stuff. Good, bad or somewhere in between. And some of us are waiting – nay *panting* – for news of Frank’s cookies one day… Big hugs.



  19. Carrie Holmquist on June 3, 2009 at 8:31 am

    The numbers still went up?! Grr. You know I’m ready for those drinks whenever you are 😉



  20. Bon on June 3, 2009 at 11:37 am

    i’m just sorry, all around.



  21. tash on June 3, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    They, er, have checked that this isn’t ectopic, yes? Sigh.
    Moxie, this is gonna sound all shades of wack, but in a way I’m jealous that you had an opportunity to actually help. Sometimes I feel when I stare at these stories, and go in the comments and cuss and swear and offer hugs and condolences, that it’s just . . . . so little. so meaningless. And here you actually had a role to play and a job to do and rolled up your sleeves and while I’m heartbroken it didn’t turn out the way *I* wanted it to, I’m just so grateful you tried.
    Chance and Apollo, I’m still just crushed and aching. I would lighten your load if I could. Much love to you all.



  22. kimmyg123@yahoo.com on June 3, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Just want to say Love you sweet beautiful friend!! Sending my love and lots and lots of ((Hugs))!!!
    Kimmy



  23. Jo on June 3, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    Thinking of you and sending internet hugs.
    Jo



  24. WhichBox on June 4, 2009 at 9:37 am

    I have a lot of admiration for your healthy ability to recognize you’re on the other side of the break point. I’m so sorry for how this point was reached. I wish, like Tash, there was something I could actively be doing. But I will keep reading.



  25. Calliope on June 4, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    I am working on an e-mail, but catching up with blogs first. I just have to say that what you are going through is beyond complicated and difficult and gut wrenching- and yet you write about it with SUCH great care and honesty. It is a gift- the way you share this story, and specifically your perspective.
    back to stalking job sites that will get us closer…



  26. Amber on June 5, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    I am so sorry I haven’t been here. I feel terrible that I haven’t been any support at all over these past few months, especially since it seems you all needed it. But I’m here now.
    I know what you mean about laughing when you “should” be crying, and it’s not even a phenomenon exclusive to surrogates. I remember when I lost my twins feeling guilt beyond belief when I started having the urge to smile. How could I possibly find any joy in the world when I felt so much heartache? But I did (even if I didn’t admit it) and that’s ok.



  27. Betty M on June 6, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    I’m really sorry about the SUBS – I hate the additional shit that this kind of thing brings over and above the original shitty event itself. I am so impressed by your honesty in telling us your feelings as a surrogate of being over the hurdle I can think of many people IRL who would not be as candid. I hope Chance and Apollo are bearing up in this hellish time.