Dirty hands, kindled hearts

A couple of days ago, Tash left me this comment:

Moxie, this is gonna sound all shades of wack, but in a way I'm jealous that you had an opportunity to actually help. Sometimes I feel when I stare at these stories, and go in the comments and cuss and swear and offer hugs and condolences, that it's just . . . . so little. so meaningless. And here you actually had a role to play and a job to do and rolled up your sleeves and while I'm heartbroken it didn't turn out the way *I* wanted it to, I'm just so grateful you tried.

I understand how Tash feels. There have been many times when I, too, have felt like the mere words I leave in the simple, four-sided comment boxes do little to combat the complex feelings of grief, loss, sadness, and anger that others are enduring. But having been on the receiving end such comments of support for more than a year and a half, though I empathize with Tash's feelings of verbal impotence, I respectfully have to disagree.

These words, which might seem so little, mean so very much. It takes a lot to sit on your side of the screen and tap into someone else's struggles, even if only for a moment. Whether you commiserate in the comments or only lurk and never say a word, it means everything to know that you are there, sending all your hopes and wishes and good thoughts out into the universe on the behalf of those you read. I may have "rolled up my sleeves" and gotten my hands dirty, but I think that each of you do the same every time you tap into the blogosphere. You also make a choice to to dirty your hands and try on someone else's troubled shirt for a while, and you wear your hearts on your sleeves and warm the hearts of others when you are here to support. Don't underestimate all the good that you do by simply just being here.

So, to the 90-something of you that have been here to lift me up in the past couple of weeks, I give you this small, but heartfelt token of gratitude. You're all my personal superheroes. It's little, but I know so very well how little things can mean a lot.

Red Cape award

href="http://thesmartness.com/smartone/red-cape-award-supercrew.html" target="_top"> <img  alt="RedCapeAward" src="http://thesmartness.com/.a/6a00e54ff452948833010535b4a5bc970c-pi">

This award is for all of you to pick up and take back to your blogs if you so choose*, but I hope you won't mind if I single out a few ladies specifically:

Tash, JuliaKB, niobe (Rock Band + niobe: I've seen it and she doth rock much), Charmed GirlMM, Kristin (who has a voice that's every bit as genial and kind as her on-screen words are), Calliope (who is a firecracker2 more animated in person than she already is on her blog), Heather R (who's spoiled me rotten with gifts, the latest of which is a 6-month subscription to Pogo, which then I used to whoop her ass at Scrabble), Coffeegrl, and Miss W, WhichBox, and Kimmy (my surrobuddy) all either sent emails of support or posted support on their own blogs. I apologize in advance if I missed anyone who belongs in this category. My brain hasn't had the most clarity in the past couple of weeks.

To Nishkanu, who generously donated practically all of the meds I needed for this cycle. Charmed Girl donated the bulk of the meds that Chance needed. The two of them made the cycle possible and gave us that one last shot (no pun intended, though it definitely works here).

To Carrie, who obsessed over peesticks with me, dragged my ass through post-planning and ran errands around the school when I couldn't do it myself, and with whom I will soon get ripped on margaritas and sangria.  

And finally, to Chance, who though she doesn't feel like it, is most definitely the ballsiest woman that I've ever met.

*******

*You surely aren't obligated to do so, but if you want to pass on the Red Cape Award to another blogger, here are the steps:

  1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: Red Cape Award SuperCrew (http://thesmartness.com/smartone/red-cape-award-supercrew.html). This is a running list of awardees.
  2. Check in on the SuperCrew post by leaving a link to your blog and a comment to let Moxie of I'm a Smart One know that you were passed a Red Cape Award so she can add you to the list.
  3. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them. 
  4. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
  5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
  6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

If you do pass it on, at the very least, please come back and let me know who you've given it to so that I can link back to them on the SuperCrew list of honored recipients.

16 Comments

  1. tash on June 7, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    Awwww man, now I’m crying through the second blog I’ve read this evening. WHAT IS UP?! Moxie, I respectfully disagree with your disagreeness, but I do see your point. I am, in fact, elated to receive comments and emails from YOU.
    Hugs all around.



  2. Danielle on June 7, 2009 at 11:09 pm

    Awww I’m with Tash. Totally blinking back tears here. You’re so sweet! You have been such an inspiration to so many. In my experience with me, you gave me the words I needed to know that it IS ok to grieve for my mom three years later. You said many kind things about my mom and my dad, neither of whom you’ve met. It means SO much to me! If even just ONE of my words made you feel a touch better, then I’m so very happy.
    You rock!
    *HUGS*



  3. anymommy on June 7, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    You summed it all up so beautifully, why this community works and how incredible it can feel. I’m so sad that this journey didn’t end the way we all wanted, I’m so in awe of the chance you gave Chance and Apollo – and I’m so grateful for your words here because I feel exactly like Tash all the time. I want to do something. I want a damn baby wand, I want a higher power to listen to me.



  4. coffeegrl on June 8, 2009 at 1:14 am

    I love the title of this post. And I’m so pleased that in some small way my words may have touched you. I always find it life-affirming to think about the ripple effect we can have on others even with a kind word or smile. I always wish I could do more, but hey – small steps.



  5. Cindy on June 8, 2009 at 5:31 am

    True. True.I’m so grateful you’re out there.



  6. Carrie Holmquist on June 8, 2009 at 9:25 am

    Yes, drinks will be coming. I’m thinking after Disney. I should make a little countdown to drunken hood. It won’t take away the pain or loss, but damnit it will be funny! Isn’t humor the best way to relieve sorrow?



  7. Becky on June 8, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    Aww! Heart you, Moxie. You’re a good friend.



  8. Kristin on June 8, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    Oh honey…you totally rock! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this.



  9. Calliope on June 8, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    miss you!!
    and seriously- You are beyond inspiring in a million ways.



  10. Nishkanu on June 8, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    You are super ultra welcome. I wish I could have done more to make the cycle successful!!



  11. Moxie on June 8, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    To my sister and mentor Moxie,
    Truth be told, I should have sent you this message a long time ago but like Tash I couldn’t find the words *gasps for a breath* but I am going to try. There are no words, no gestures, nothing I can do or say to show how amazing a person you are. The things you view to be so small has touched so many people, me included. You’ve been such a wonderful influence on me and a huge driving force in my life. It is because of your love and support I will go on to do great things in my life. Since I was a wee little lad, I’ve always wanted to be like my big sister. My afternoons were filled with excitement to be around you and the life you bring to crowds. You have been such a quintessential role model for almost everything meaningful that I have done. Seeing the way you enjoyed life has taught me how to fight through some of my biggest fears. I joined the color guard, I tried out for plays, things I would have been too afraid to do if it wasn’t for you, your example, and encouragement. You are one of the most intelligent and strongest women I have even known and I know you’ll get through this and continue to have a positively profound effect on many people’s lives. I have the pleasure of having you as a sister and that fills me with pride. I am who I am today in large part because I’ve had you to look up to so any time you compliment me on how proud you are of me or what I have done or will do, I hope it fills you with pride as well because you helped me get there. I love you very very much and thank you for being you!!!
    Your lil sister,
    Bean



  12. Danielle on June 8, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    OOPS!!
    Seems like my sister’s info automatically logged into my computer so it looked like she sent that message to herself!! But it was I that posted “To my sister and mentor Moxie,”



  13. kimmyg123@yahoo.com on June 9, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Just wan to say Love you my FRIEND!!! You will ALWAYS AMAZE me and feel so honared to “know” you!!!
    Kimmy



  14. Heather R. on June 9, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Love soooooo mucho!



  15. Heather R. on June 9, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Oh and I want a rematch!



  16. Shawna on June 13, 2009 at 11:10 am

    Every time that I log into Pogo I think how nice it would be if I had a few friends on there that I knew weren’t whackadoo. Maybe, ummmm, like you? Want to be friends on Pogo super Moxie?
    If not, no big deal, but if so my username is kcsstrohm.
    Also, I have a thousand things that I could say about this topic but it would be much too similar to what Tash said. Somehow sending out foul language into the universe just doesn’t seem like enough, and yet it has to be. Sigh.