Here again

This is the part that I've grown to hate. Well, it's more like a love/hate relationship, but by now it's probably a bit more hate than love. Matching — I was in the same place last year. That's what matching does, at least for me. It makes me think in terms of time and realize just how long I've been at this, all that's happened since then, and just how messed up it is that I've been smacked back to the start line again.

sigh

On one hand, there is a certain exhiliration that comes from trying to find a match. The ad goes up and then the inbox stalking begins. It's a bit like Christmas or Forrest's box of chocolates — you never know what you're going to get, and it's impossible not to feel some anticipation that there will be a new ad reply each time you check your email.

But on the other, larger hand, matching has almost become riddled with anxiety. I'm hard to match for several reasons, so it seems like the replies come few and far in between. Half of those that I do get read something like WE ARE LOOKING FOR A SURROGANT, HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE? Instant turn-off, definite no-go. Then for the others that seem like they could be possibilities, I know that I must rehash nearly the entire history of my uterus. I don't mean to cheapen or minimize the importance of having had four healthy pregnancies, but when you weigh the good of my fertility history against the bad, the Gee, You're Screwed Up side of the list reaches much further than my uterus' list of accomplishments. In the past 18 months alone I have had one completely failed IVF and three chemicals. When you add in PCOS/IR, a slightly elevated BMI, and my own wonky hormones and lady bits, I can't help but feel like a washed up, rusty tin can when compared to the sleek and sliver vessels that are other surrogates.

I know that my personal (sub)fertility history isn't so bad that it precludes me from being a good carrier. There isn't an RE who in his right mind would have ever approved me if I wasn't. Still, there is this bag of insecurities that I carry around, knowing that my infertility is a factor that needs to be considered. Hell, if I was an intended parent looking for a surrogate and all other things being equal, it came down to Surrogate A who needed Clomid to get pregnant and Surrogate B who washes her husband's underwear and gets pregnant, I'd probably lean more towards Surro B, too.

So, there it is. Remnant sadness and wonky ovaries and all, I'm trying to find intended parents. Again. This time next year, I hope I'm writing a post of a different, much happier persuasion.

20 Comments

  1. kimmyg123@yahoo.com on June 15, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    First of all sending you so many ((Hugs))!! My AMAZING friend!! I can only imagione this part has to be so HARD! I do KNOW that a set of IP’s will be VERY LUCKY to have you!! You go into this eyes wide OPEN, experienced and heart full of love and honor. I could go on about your fertility but I truly don’t think that is the issue. Heck I couldn’t get pregnant without IVF. No clomid or million IUI’s worked for me and we know where I have gone from there. Truly sending my love and respect and prayers for a quick and PERFECT match!!!
    P.S. Sorry no time for spell check so clueless LOL



  2. Cindy on June 15, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Well. If I may say…were I in need of a womb, I’d be all up in your inbox. You are a very special person. I wish you a match made in heaven.



  3. Sandi on June 15, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    Can you move to Cali and carry one for me? I adore you and your uterus!



  4. PJ on June 15, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    Well, if they can’t spell surrogate then why would you even consider it! j/k
    I think you’re WONDERFUL for not giving up, and of course for doing it in the first place. Truly, such an amazing thing to do for someone else.
    I hope your wonky hormones and lady bits find the perfect couple soon, and that next year I am reading a happier post, maybe after writing my own happy post. 🙂



  5. Kristin on June 15, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    Hey thugette…wishing you and your wonky lady bits the very best of luck in matching with an awesome set of intended parents.



  6. Shelli on June 15, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    If I ever need a surrogate (and if this cycle doesn’t work I may get there) I’d pick you as a surrogate in a nano-second. Rust or no rust!
    Plus….I’d get to visit Hilton Head and Savannah, now what could possibly be better than that???



  7. Danielle on June 15, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    I can see how it would be a bittersweet place to be in. Please k now that you’re doing an AMAZING thing! If any inbox messages read otherwise, well you just let us take care of it for you! We love ya girlie! Anyone who is in it with you, is a very lucky person!
    *HUGS*



  8. My Reality on June 15, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    Good luck with finding new IP’s, Moxie.



  9. Trish K on June 15, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    I would think that potential IPs would lean more toward someone who can understand the emotional struggles of having to really work to have children. I mean, who wants someone who comes in all bubbly and “like, oh my god, it is so easy to get pregnant, why don’t you have a baby already” (insert annoying laugh here).
    I would want someone who could commiserate with my struggles and who would not take the process lightly.
    Good luck to you in your upcoming match!



  10. Sara on June 15, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    I agree with Trish. Some IP will value your understanding and compassion, and the ones that don’t aren’t the right match for you anyway. Also, the fact that washing your husband’s underwear doesn’t get you pregnant might be a relief to a couple worried that you’ll end up pregnant with your own genetic baby rather than theirs. Four healthy pregnancies is nothing to sneeze at. I think you’re a great candidate, from a totally unbiased perspective of course.
    Good luck finding the right match.



  11. JessPond on June 15, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    Also agreeing with Trish. Your experience in the IF crap is INVALUABLE.
    Good luck!



  12. Nishkanu on June 16, 2009 at 2:05 am

    I would think that sensible/sensitive IPs would realize that they are not just renting a uterus but are developing a relationship that will hopefully go through a potentially challenging 9 months and could/should last a lifetime. If I were in that situation, I would want a surrogate that I could talk to, who was smart and sensitive and was in it for the right reasons. That means YOU. And you’ve also got plenty of proof that things work down there. The whole package, so to speak.



  13. Wishing4One on June 16, 2009 at 6:46 am

    Thinking of you and hoping you find the perefct match. Your lady bits and everything else are worthy girl, come on. Um i just read that post where your daughter described a petri dish and egg/sperm injections as to how babies are made, freakin classic! Isn’t it something… I am betting 20 years ago no child would have had that answer. I just love it! You must be sure to show her that post once she becomes a mom.



  14. coffeegrl on June 16, 2009 at 7:45 am

    What an incredibly humbling, nerve-wracking, filled-with-anxiety-and-simultaneously-amazing-promise to be in. It sounds like you’ve had some wonderful matches before; hoping you find another similarly terrific relationship.



  15. Moxie… you took the words out of my mouth… “I can’t help but feel like a washed up, rusty tin can when compared to the sleek and sliver vessels that are other surrogates.” Yep!! And I know exactly what you mean about being back where you were xx amount of months ago in the same place, feeling like all this time has passed and you haven’t moved at all… it can be disheartening to say the least! So, I wish you all the very best in finding THE match so you ARE moving forward again, very soon!
    -Rebekah



  16. kimmyg123@yahoo.com on June 16, 2009 at 9:35 am

    You two(Rebekah) are WAY MORE than rusty tins!!! You are GOLDEN Vessels! PROVEN WITH time and commpassion! Just want to reiterate how LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY IP’s will be and ARE!!! Heck I am 40 now and have had my share of issue but truly feel if I was able someone would be just as lucky to have me too!!! More Love!!!



  17. anymommy on June 16, 2009 at 9:42 am

    You are just flat out amazing. I know it must be so hard to be starting over, especially since, though you don’t say it here, you are still grieving the time with C and A and the fact that it didn’t happen the way we all wanted (soooo much). Love, and a match made in heaven, soon!



  18. tash on June 16, 2009 at 11:01 am

    I’d come down just to shoot up hormones and check out your girly bits (VIA ULTRASOUND PEOPLE, YEESH! MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER!) and eat some Frank baked goods.
    Wait, can I do that anyway? Maybe minus the hormones?
    You’re a good person to get back in the saddle, Moxie. As always, I’ve got your back.



  19. Andrea on June 16, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    See, your ute is just too popular. I think that’s the real problem 🙂 I so hope you find another great match and I hope even hard it’s successful! Good luck, you are just so amazing to do this!!



  20. Leigh from 123 blog on June 15, 2010 at 4:32 am

    Aaaawwww, I came over from the comment on PJ’s blog – isn’t happy news the best?!