How a Goonie does an ICLW intro

Welcome to the June edition of my ICLW intro. If you’ve never been here before and have no idea who I am, check out the post the Rundown for a crash course on who’s who in SmartOneville.

One of my favorite all-time movies is The Goonies. Data is my favorite character (Mikey: What are you doing? Data: Setting booty traps. Mikey: You mean ‘booby traps.’ Data: That’s what I SAID! Setting BOOBY traps!), but it’s Chunk who was in one of my favorite scenes:

I was
a good kid, probably the last kid in the class a teacher would think to name if they heard the word “troublemaker.” But like any kid, I had my moments of mischievousness. So by way of my ICLW intro, I give you my True Confessions a la Chunk:

In first grade, I stole strawberries from a neighbor’s garden. I thought I was tough shit for about five minutes, but later I puked up said strawberries because I felt so guilty.

In second grade, I made my little sister (then age 3) beat up a kid my age who was bullying me. She won. I did not feel guilty, even when I got in trouble for making her fight for me.

In third grade, I picked the wings off of dead flies and tried to feed them to my little sister, who was 4 at the time. I told her they were raisins.

In fourth grade, I sprained my ankle when I misstepped going down the steps out of my classroom. In the emergency room, I had a lot of fun zooming around in the wheelchair they put me in. I spent the next two weeks trying to accidentally on purpose sprain the other ankle so that I could trade-in the crutches for a wheelchair. You don’t have to tell me how stupid I was; I already know.

In fifth grade — I’m sure I had to have done something stupid but for the life of me, I can’t think of anything.

In sixth grade I called myself “running away” on the morning that I was supposed to go to parent conference (because my grades sucked big time). I was going to go to school late with Mom as soon as she returned from dropping Chanel off at the elementary school. While she was out, I left. I didn’t go far; I was right down the street in a secret little nook where two neighbors’ rear fences triangulated with the edge of a lake. After a few hours I noticed police cars driving slowly back and forth (they couldn’t see me from where I was). Around 5pm I finally sucked it up and went home. It’s a miracle that I’m alive to tell you this story, because my mom’s death ray eye daggers alone damn near killed me.

In seventh grade, I had another crappy school year grade-wise. Baby Me story, different year: “We don’t understand, because she’s just so intelligent and she’s very quiet in class. She aces all of her tests, but she rarely turns in homework, blah, blah, blah….” I went to a private school at the time and each week we were given progress reports. The best score was M for “Mighty in the Spirit” (and to this day I still think that is one of the cheesiest things ever). 1 basically meant doing well (and I’m safe), 2 = needs improvement (and I’m grounded), 3 = little/no effort (and I’m effed and in deep shinola). For about a month I had way more 3’s than I had M’s and 1’s. I came up with all sorts of excuses about why we didn’t get progress reports this week or that. Finally mom went digging in my purse and found four crappy progress reports stuffed in the bottom of it. She gave me a grade of M…for “Murder One Victim.”

In eighth grade, I got tipsy for the first time on cherry Kool-Aid and tequila. I have not had tequila since then.

In ninth grade, procrastination got the better of me and the night before a major research project on an assigned Native American tribe was due, I still had not completed the assignment. This was before information on the Internet was readily available, and we didn’t even own a home computer at the time, anyway. So, I stretched a filament of truth out to the nth degree and pulled a Native American tribe right out of my ass. It is complete truth that my great-great-grandmother’s name was Florida and she was half Cherokee. The tribe I created was the Sesquehara, and we were descendants. In my oral presentation, I explained that the tribe was small to begin with and eventually merged with the Cherokee, which explained why there wasn’t a lot of documented information that could be found on the tribe. Most of the history that remained of the Sesqueharans was passed down orally, and my mother told me the story just as her mother told her and so on. I was so very elaborate, going on to explain that unlike other Native American tribes, the Sesqueharans were a matrilineal society, in which the women were the tribal elders. Tribal religion centered around creation and “Mother Earth,” which is why women were placed higher in status than men. Family names were passed on by first born daughters. Truth – my first name is Soncera, which means “Morning Star.” Lie – I explained that my mother’s middle name is Soncera as was my grandmother’s and great-grandmother’s, and so on. Truth – my mom named me after a young Native American medicine woman in old John Wayne western. I also explained that the marking of time was told by monitoring a girl’s monthly cycle. This young woman held the honored position of Keeper of Time until she was married. At that time, another girl with cycles similar to hers would be given the honor of Keeper of Time. My teacher was so rapt with awe that when I was finished, she raved on and on about how very interesting everything was. I even got ten points extra credit for being so detailed and for thinking outside the box. If only she knew how far outside the box….

In tenth grade, I almost puked in a boy’s mouth when he kissed me. His breath smelled like cat litter. After that one kiss attempt, I made up lots of sorry excuses as to why I wouldn’t go on anymore dates with him. I don’t remember his name, but I still think of him as Scoop Away.

In eleventh grade, my sisters and I got off the bus only to find that we’d locked ourselves out. I was 16, Chanel was 12, and Danielle was 8. This was the umpteenth time that we’d forgotten our keys, so Dani, being the smallest, knew the drill; her job was to pop a screen out and climb through one of the bedroom windows to unlock and open the front door from the inside. On this particular day, just as Danielle was walking around to the back of the house, I found my key in a side pocket of my book bag. I instantly had the brilliant idea for Chanel and me to enter the house quietly and scare Dani as soon as she rounded the corner out of the hallway. We scared the piss out of her. Literally.

In twelfth grade, uuuhh…ditto fifth grade. I know; I suck.

Have a list of True Confessions a la Chunk? Leave a link in the comments, or I’ll make you stand on a rock and do the Truffle Shuffle.

39 thoughts on “How a Goonie does an ICLW intro”

  1. HA! the Truffle Shuffle! I love it! My list would be SO boring. I don’t think I did bad. Embarrassing? Oh for sure! Happy ICLW!

  2. “Bad grades” in my world were C’s and an occasional D (once a year and always on progress reports, never on report cards). As my mom would say, “A ‘D’ is a nice way of saying YOU FAILED!” I had underachiever syndrome big time.

  3. Try it anyway! I really had to dig to get some of those, and you see that I totally flaked out on two grades and couldn’t think of anything!

  4. lmao
    I’m a tad too young for the Goonies or maybe I was just too sheltered.
    Thanks for the laugh.
    I don’t have a list, but I’ll give you a funny. When we were teenagers, I stabbed my brother in the arm with a pencil. He was trying to get in the house and I was trying to lock him out, but he was too strong. So I looked over to see if I could find something to beat his arm up with and only saw a pencil. So, I did like any other normal hormonal teenage girl and I stabbed him in the arm. He yelled “YOU FUCKING STABBED ME WITH A PENCIL BITCH!” and I promptly locked the door and nearly shit myself because I knew he was going to kick my ass when he got inside. LOL
    Ah…you’ve got me thinking of some blogging ideas for the week. Thanks! LOL

  5. YOU’VE NEVER SEEN THE GOONIES!?! Travesty. How old are you? It’s a classic. You must go rent it and watch it ASAP.
    Your story is hilarious! So funny, and I can’t wait to read your entries this week.

  6. Mo is a huge Goonies fan. . .and he does the Truffle Shuffle for me on a regular basis! (See, he’s not ALL bad!) Thanks for the giggle!

  7. Love the Goonies too. And I am laughing my ass off at that 9th grade confession. Oh and the one where you ran away down the street. How funny.

  8. ROFL!
    I wonder why I do not visit your blog more often…very refreshing. I had sucky grades too…and my teachers droned me totally!
    LOLOL…I once fed a spoonful of instant coffee to a neighbour’s son, and yes gave a pathetic haircut to our maid’s daughter…pathetic…I also threatened them to not tell anyone!

  9. I was a really, really good kid. As in goody-two-shoes good.
    Well, except for that time in second grade when for some reason I got annoyed at this red-headed kid named Debby and told her to meet me in the playground after school. When she showed up (and the rest of the second grade came along to watch the show), I hit her exactly once and she ran off crying.
    I was so pleased with myself, especially since Debby was approximately twice my size. (as was, to be fair, almost everyone else in the second grade). The next day, I had to go to the principal’s office — for the first and last time.
    The principal didn’t take the whole thing very seriously and, as I recall, I spent the whole time showing her how I could touch my nose with my tongue.

  10. You had bigger balls than I did when I was in the second grade, that’s for damned sure! Somehow it’s very easy for me to picture a little niobe in this memory!

  11. Have you not seen it, either? Surely you just meant that you have to see it again since it’s been a while, right? 🙂

  12. I was also a very good kid, nothing nearly so colorful to report. Being an only child definitely helps keeps a kid out of trouble, and being a goody-goody takes care of the rest.
    My husband sometimes teases me for being such a nerd that I got almost all A’s through school (he was the underachiever type). If I’d had mostly M’s for Mighty in the Spirit, he would mock me on a daily basis. I can even see him doing a cheerleading routine: We’ve got Mighty in the Spirit, yes we do, we’ve got Mighty in the Spirit, how ’bout you? Or the Mighty Mouse theme song… The possibilities are endless.

  13. OMG I freakin’ LOVED the Goonies. I watched it every day after school, until the video tape BROKE! I left one confession for you on my blog.
    I tried to go back and watch the Goonies a few years ago, and the magic wasn’t there for me like it was when I was a kid.

  14. It makes me feel old that there are people too young for the Goonies. Sigh.
    My first experience with alchol was at about the same age as yours. . .grape Kool-Aid and whiskey. But I decided after that that it was the Kool-Aid that had to go, not the whiskey!

  15. I don’t have a link, but when I was 5 I made my little brother put a rock up his nose and then went and told on him for putting a rock up his nose. Next thing you know we’re all speeding to the emergency room and my mom is jabbing tweezers up his nose causing a huge gush of blood. Long story short, doctors couldn’t find the rock (it was really more of a pebble and I’m sure it fell right back out) but, since my brother had recently fallen down the stairs and broken his collarbone, and now here he was with a bloody face, my parents got questioned for child abuse.

  16. I know, right! I still tend to think of myself as being young because I’m only 31. But to be so young that you’ve never seen Goonies…OMG!

  17. I LOOOOOVE the Goonies movie. I bought it the day it was released on DVD a few years back, as my original VHS copy was getting rather warped.
    What a super ICLW list idea!
    You’re making me want to shout, “Hey you guuuys!” as I eat “Rrrrocky rrroad” ice cream and dance around the living room to Cindy Lauper’s “Good Enough.” 🙂

  18. Ooooohhh ooooh!!!! I’ve seen and owned (well parents own it now) Goonies. Aren’t you so proud that I have seen such a ‘”classic?”
    Umm…making up an entire research paper, teaching GS will be a breeze next year

  19. ICLW ~ my husband is a huge goonies fan as well, he watches it at least once a month. your confessions are all very funny and bring back a few memories. i’ll have to think of my confession list and get back to ya.

  20. “If only she knew how far outside the box….” and “I still think of him as Scoop Away” had me ROLLING! Bwahahahaha…love this list and may just have to try it myself.

  21. OMG, this was a funny as hell post. The Kool-aid spiked with tequila and cat litter boy had me spitting out my tea! Funny stuff!
    Oh, and I love the Goonies too…watched a lot of that movie while eating those microwave smores things (those were the shit, but I can’t find them anymore – prob a good thing)

  22. The goonies is such a great movie!! I’d be a liar if I said it didn’t scare me when I was younger though…
    Love the confession list idea!!! Fantastic for ICLW…Might be tomorrow’s post!

  23. Those stories cracked me up. Especially your 3 year old sister beating up a 2nd grader. She must have been one big 3 year old. Hilarity!

  24. New to your blog (ICLW)- haven’t seen Goonies in forever but great movie! Never got my little sister to beat anyone up but we did convince her that if she let us push her down the stairs in a big cardboard box it would be lots of fun.
    First experience with alcohol ended up with sledding into a tree…….. do not drink and sled….

    I’ve never see then goonies, either. I’m 25? Should I have? I know! I’m like the infertile equal of a 5 yo! The shame!!!
    I have no awful stories. Yes, I was that lame.

  26. HEYY YOUUU GUUUUUUUUYS! I heart Goonies too.
    A++ for making up a tribe, that totally cracked me up.
    Let’s see a confession… When I was in 8th grade, we went to Washington DC on a field trip. I stole an amethyst crystal necklace from this store because some other girls were doing it. I felt so guilty about it that I was never able to wear it, but I kept it until I was like 20, to remind myself that stealing is baaaaad. Great post.

  27. OMG, these are freakin’ hilarious! How do you rememeber something about each grade, though?! I think my love for Vodka killed all those brain cells for me long ago. I do remember the Goonies though…”Hey, you guuuuuyyyyyssss!” Love it!

  28. Ok i dont think i am too young, ok i know I am not too young to remember Goonies…BUT i have never seen it! Going to youtube now.
    Okay back in the day for me, i was a gansta, i know can you believe it? Mine started grade 7 through 12. Too much partying so dont remember much, but i do remember one thing….
    In 7th grade i skipped school one day and a friends mother (i know great influence) called my school and acted like my mother. I was so set, all was cool. I get home and my mom asks “how was school, what did u do today blah blah..” I told her it was good and whatever else… she said “..thats funny as you were not even there!” My heart dropped.
    I remember also my mom found a bottle (lets say they spririts of some sort) hidden in my closet once, high school years, i was really scared but it blew over.
    Thanks for taking us down memory lane… you rock at that! But the tribe should get some kind of award, damn you were good girl!

  29. LOVE GOONIES!!!!! one of the best movies ever made.
    i had BAD grades, flunked the entire 4th grade, including PE. i ran away from boarding school when i was 14, i got my mother’s credit card number, called a limo, got a hotel room, and managed to book a first class plane ticket home, with just the number no actual card and NO identification.
    Happy ILCW!!!

  30. I LOVE your friggin’ posts! I haven’t been online b/c of out of town staying with people with no internet…and just now catching up on a zillion posts!! LOL!
    I effin’ LOVE the Goonies. Movie of my childhood.
    Okay, true confessions…
    2nd grade: I actually stole stickers from teacher’s desk. This was during the 80s when stickers were wildly popular. I was so poor, I didn’t have any. I would stay in during lunch recess and steal them…a sheet at a time. I got greedy one day and stole a whole pack. BUSTED!
    5th grade: Send flowers to a man saying that “It was the best night of my life”…called a florist and gave a fake credit card number. This was before caller ID, but apparently the police put a trace on the phone. I called the family to see how he liked the present.
    I got called down to the police station for that- my mother had them put me in a jail cell for 30 minutes. Worst 30 minutes of my friggin’ life. I have no clue why I did that or how I got the idea.
    6th grade: was supposed to go stay with a family b/c my dad and mother were going to another state to find a house. I didn’t want to stay with them…so I hid from the bus driver and walked to my friends house. Never told anyone. My friend hid me in her closet until dinner. oooooooooo, I dont’ think I did anything fun for a year after that stunt….that was my last stunt.
    I was very vanilla after that. Considering all the shit my father put me through I could have turned out very bad. I am thankful my mother put me in that jail cell for 30 minutes. Scared me. She also told me if I EVER did anything to land me in jail she wouldn’t bail me out..I would stay until trial. YIKES!

  31. Goonies! LOVE IT!!
    One time in 4th or 5th grade, we were at a sleep-over. We had a dance contest and the rules were “NO GYMNASTICS”. This one girl always did a back walkover and would “win.” She tried it again and I was pissed, I walked up to her and shouted, “NO GYMNASTICS!” I guess I was a little hot head?!

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