You bring the cheese; I have the whine

First of all, thanks for all of your comments on Kyra's room makeover. She absolutely loves it. To use her words, she says that she feels like she's in a "spa boutique." I don't know where she got the girly-girl from, but it certainly isn't me. I'm not really a girly-girl, but it's fun having one, especially one like Kyra who is as much dirt and wrestling as she is frills and lace. One minute she's painting her nails and having tea parties and the next minute she's dropkicking the boys in the playroom.

Now for the real topic of this post(and I assure you, I will ramble)…these days I've been feeling very…WTF!?!? "What the fuck?" is about the best qualifier that I can come up with. Speaking from a surrogacy perspective, the past 18 months have sucked. Big time. Seriously – as surrogacy/infertility is the primary focus of this blog, I'm amazed that anyone sticks around to read about that line because the journey hath sucketh much. In 18 months I haven't moved much further than the starting line. Sometimes I'm surprised that people still show up to read here, because I'm beginning to feel like a broken record. You've seen me through the very start of my journey with M&S, a failed cycle, a chemical, the "end," the matching phase, a new match with Chance and Apollo, two chemicals with them, another end, and now matching. AGAIN. WTF?

I can't help but think of all the things I should have been writing about by now: my IPs' reactions to hearing the heartbeat of their baby for the first time, discussions about the pregnancy side of surrogacy…hell — had I not had the first chemical this time last year, I would now be 5 months post-partum from Mia and Urs' baby (she's doing great, by the way – having a baby girl in less than 2 months). Right now, I should have morning sickness so bad that I'm barfing my toenails. But no – I'm back at the starting line, and Chance and Apollo are empty-handed at the wrong type of finish line. WTF?

I started this leg of my life as a surrogate at the beginning of November 2007. I matched with Mia and Urs at the end of that month and we had our first transfer in mid-February 2008. There are other surrogates who started looking for intended parents or transferred around the same time I did who have gotten pregnant, delivered, recovered, found new matches, and are already pregnant again. And here I sit, twiddling my thumbs waiting for another match, with the sadness of three losses and a pocket full of broken hearts to keep me company. What. The. FUCK?

On most days I handle the hand that's been dealt to me with a surprising amount of grace (if I do say so myself), but for today, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and I hate feeling sorry for myself. Someone please stamp the L on my forehead, because I probably won't have any luck with having that turn out right either if I did it myself.

22 Comments

  1. Trish K on June 27, 2009 at 11:45 am

    So sorry that you are feeling this way. I pray that things begin to look up soon!



  2. Danielle on June 27, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    Awww sweetie, I’m so sorry! I was wondering the other day how you felt about all of this. How you REALLY felt. Without all the rainbows and sunshine. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so bad. I wish I could take your pain away, I really do. I wish I could take those broken hearts and SOME how make them whole. Since, I can’t *dammit* I’ll let you kn ow that NO matter what, I’ll be here cheering you on and giving you as much support as you need/want.
    *HUGS*



  3. Betty M on June 27, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    I wish the last 18 months hadn’t ended up this way for you either. May the next 18 months be better.



  4. anymommy on June 27, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    I have nothing, except I’m sorry and it sucks. But, baby, you are not a loser. You are incredible. You can’t make that little sparkle ball grow, all you can do is be the soft place for it to land. Maybe I’m reading too much into your post here, if so ignore me, but this has absolutely nothing to do with you as a surrogate, it’s just plain old horrendously bad luck. You were a beautiful step in the journey’s of both of these wonderful families.



  5. Aunt Becky on June 27, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    I’m sorry Moxie. You’re such a wonderful person and friend. You’ve touched us all.
    (and not as creepily as that sounded)



  6. Sandi on June 27, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    Hugs to you girl! I know the pity party feeling well. Whine while you need to and then suck it up and try it again. Somebody out there needs you.
    I would say it’s me, but today, I hate my children and I am looking for a place to fed ex myself for awhile. Maybe tomorrow I will call you.



  7. k77 on June 27, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    I hope you find the right match.
    You are one fantastic woman even when you’re not gestating!



  8. becoming whole on June 27, 2009 at 10:41 pm

    18 months of being beaten up by life is a really long time. I for one am really glad to read you faithfully (though I don’t often comment) and get my little pick-me-up. It is ok to be human and feel down about this. Please remember that you touch a lot of lives, even ones you don’t see (and I will try to comment more, too) :).



  9. JessPond on June 27, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    Aww…It’s sad that things have not worked out well in the last 18m. But you have TRIED and tried HARD and people are here to read about more than your uterus. Truly.
    Here’s to the next 18m!



  10. Lorza on June 27, 2009 at 11:17 pm

    I have a yummy basil infused feta…to die for- especially good with a mellow pinot nior…you got that kinda whine for me?!? 🙂
    I am sorry you are feeling so WTF! I could understand why you feel that way. Seems like all the cards are showing up joker for you. I wish I had something funny to say to make you smile. I just don’t have it.
    Lots of {{{{{hugs}}}}} to you. Even though there is not much IF wise…I love hearing (uh, reading) your voice.



  11. Kristin on June 28, 2009 at 1:50 am

    Ain’t no fucking way I will stamp an L on your forehead and I will seriously beat anyone (yourself included) who attempts to do that. You ROCK my friend and I don’t ever, ever want you to think otherwise!



  12. Nishkanu on June 28, 2009 at 5:48 am

    Not that it doesn’t truly s*ck, because it does big-time, but if we readers gave up on a blog because the writer was unsuccessful at infertility stuff then boy there would be a lot of readerless blogs out there… ’cause lord knows there are a lot of us going ’round and ’round that block over and over and over ad nauseum. You would never think THEY s*ck nor would you stop reading their blogs so grant yourself a bit of the same loving.



  13. niobe on June 28, 2009 at 7:14 am

    It’s been a long, sad road for so many people. (And I can’t stand feeling sorry for myself either, so I’m totally with you there)



  14. Carrie Holmquist on June 28, 2009 at 9:16 am

    You can have as much whine as you please. I just know that it will happen for you, and unfortunately it is taking too damn long for it to happen. I wish I could snap my fingers and it will all fall into place…



  15. PJ on June 28, 2009 at 9:40 am

    I hear ya on the what the fuck! Loud and clear. I’m thinking of having some wine for my whine later this week. Maybe a lot.



  16. Diamonique on June 28, 2009 at 10:56 am

    There are lucky surro and there is the rest of us. I have been in the surrogacy world since 2001 (shit I am old when I write that!!!) Most days, you can just comfort yourself that yu did the best you can but you are not in control. There is so many what if in life especially with surrogacy. You can have a “poor me” day here and there, it is healthy, them you pick yourself up and ask yourself what is next.
    God luck…..and don’t worry, if you write it we will read ;o)



  17. Jendeis on June 28, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way.



  18. Andrea on June 28, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    You are so not the “Big L”!! I think what you do for people despite the mental and physical tool it takes on you is just awesome. I’m really proud of you and I hope this next match comes quickly and proves to be a success! ((HUGS))



  19. Calliope on June 28, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    oh honey. Wash that L off. It has been a rough time for you and many. The Universe is all out of whack on so many damn things. Wish I cold come over and cheer you up. Not that I would be all super fly cheerful gal- but I have wine and a corkscrew. That should work, right?



  20. chicklet on June 29, 2009 at 9:38 am

    I can’t imagine how this feels from a surrogacy side, because it’s already so hard to deal with when its your own child you want, but when there’s the added pressure and desire to help someone else, plus the additional people disappointed when you can’t seem to help – well how could you not feel sorry for yourself? I don’t know anything useful that could pull you out, but all I know is you will get through it. I hate that line, I really really do, but the place you are is a cruel and horrible place, and eventually you’ll be in a better place – even if it doesn’t seem possible right now.



  21. Erin on June 29, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Ahh, Moxie- I totally know the feeling. I’ve been around since 2003- Now on my 4th set of IPs, going for my 6th transfer and have had 2 failed outright, 2 chemcials and a blighted ovum. I test out great physically – and everyone cheers what I great carrier I would be – but yea. Here I sit – matched with what will be my very last try at being a surrogate. Gosh, I hope it works for both of us! [[hugs]]



  22. Queenie on June 29, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    Sometimes, things just don’t work out. And it’s NOT YOUR FAULT. Let’s just look at your utter fabulousness for having gone through the last 18 months for someone other than yourself, knowing full well how much it sucks when it doesn’t work out.
    I’m excited that you are matching again. I thought that you were done after Chance and Apollo. I love that you do this for other people. Now, stop being so hard on yourself, and best of luck!