Who me

Yes, you. I'm talking to you, you little shit. You are three. And you are just so, so…so much more three than any of your siblings were. 

Kaelyn 015

When I started writing in this here blog 18 months ago, I described you thusly:

– aka the Youngest – in the throes of les Deux Terribles – singing, twirling, bossy, flipping, bouncing, bubbly,
cheeky, ball of toddler fire. It is said that the youngest are often
the loudest because they must shout to be heard over everyone else. I
believe this to be true, because when Kaelyn yells, EVERYONE stops to
listen, even if only to laugh at this pint-sized package project with
an attitude ten times her size. She is bright and sassy and has already
has the spunk that is at the heart of strong women. Fiercely
independent, she asks for help only if she gets so frustrated that she
is nearing nuclear meltdown. Until then, if you even think to offer
your assistance she will react by switching to DEFCON 4, warning that
if you offer it again (You assclown, do I look like I need your help?) she
WILL have a nuclear meltdown and will make your eardrums implode. She
is talkative, loves anything with music and dancing, and loves to grab
blankets or bathtowels, climb in your lap, and cuddle. She is a huggy
exclamation point incarnate.

That part about you being loud? Yeah. I'm realizing now that it's like when I complain about how fat I am, and then six months later when I've gained twenty pounds it's only then that I see how skinny I really was so why (???) was I bitching in the first place. It's exactly like that. I must have been crazy to think that you were loud back then. If only I could twist your ear or your nose and adjust your volume level like one would a dial on a radio, I'd set your voicebox back to January 2008. Maybe then my eardrums wouldn't take steely daggers and poke the sides of my brain with them. 

Kaelyn 001

And please tell me why you must call my name a gazillion times. I heard you. Do you know why I heard you? Because I'm standing. Right. Here. In fact, you are hanging off of my leg, alternately gripping the bejeezus out of my knee and yanking on my yoga pants (nevermind that I don't do yoga; those things are cozy). It is not necessary to precede the endless, diarrhea-like flow of questions with my name. Trust me; you have my attention even if you do not say my name because it is impossible to tune out the yelling.

You: MAMA!

Me: What?

You: Why are daddy's ears pointy?

Me: Because that's how he was made.

You: Oh…MAMA!

Me: Hmm?

You: Are we eating hot dogs tonight? And MAMA! Can I pick out my chips? Because MAMA! I want Doritos. The kind in the red bag and not the kind in the blue bag and not the spicy ones, either.

Me: Yes, we're having hot dogs tonight and yes, you can pick out your chips.

You: MAMA!

Me: What, Kaelyn?

You: You said I could pick out my chips, right? MOMMYYYY! Does Spunky have boogers? MOOOOM! Does dogs have boogers?

Me: DO dogs have boogers. Yes, I think they do, and I already told you that you could pick out your chips. 

You: Mom!

Me: …

You: Mommy.

Me: …

You: Mommy. Mom. Mother. Mommy. Mama. Mooom. mah-MEEE! Mom. Mom. MOOOOM! MAAAHMUUUUUH!


You: Doooo some Doritos taste like boogers?

Me: *sigh*

Kaelyn 022

Furthermore, Your Threeness, I think that all of your yelling has made even you half deaf. Either that, or you've mastered the art of selective hearing. My vote is on selective hearing. Why, why must your father and I repeat ourselves so? It is usually not until we threaten you with a time out before you do whatever it is we've asked you to do. You sit there idly ignoring me, pretending as if you didn't just hear me ask you to go sit down and finish eating your green beans.

Kaelyn 008

I tell you again politely, and you start spinning circles in the playroom. I tell you once more, now forcefully and in that you're pushing your luck tone of voice. Tone of voice be damned, you continue to spin around, only faster now, as if challenging me. "LITTLE GIRL," I growl through gritted teeth, "do you need to go to your room until you can learn how to listen?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" you scream (again with the yelling!), leaving a blazing trail of fire in your wake as you book it top speed back to your chair at the bar. Should it come to such extremes? No, but if it wasn't for your deafness selective hearing you never would have needed to be threatened. I'd use sign language to tell you what to do, but then you'd probably just throw a sign back at me to talk to the hand.

Kaelyn 018

You antagonize your siblings, thereby causing them to call my name over and over and over and over again:

Teej: AUNTIE KYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYM!!! Kaelyn just kicked me in the kneeeeeeeeeeeee!
Kyra: MOOOOOOOOOOOM, Kaelyn is messing with my nail poliiiiish!
Jaiden: MaMEEE! Kaelyn won't give me back my Bakugooooon!
Jordan: MAMA! Kaelyn is TORTURING meeee!

Then I give you The Look, and you clasp your hands like an innocent little angel, your golden halo shining bright. The better to hide the pointy horns, my dear. 

Kaelyn 014

But you know what? Though my eardrums and my patience are taking a beating, I actually quite like the fire that is in you. I stand by what I said when I described you a year and a half ago. I see you twenty years down the road as a strong, independent, can-do type of girl. You will make men clamor to have you grace them with one of your signature 1000-Watt smiles, but they will quake at the knees just the same. They will know you as the type of woman that they should be considered lucky to be loved by. So help a man who ever even thinks about hurting you; he'd better watch his balls and sleep with one eye open.

Kaelyn 010

You will settle for nothing less than a man like your father, a man who will treat you as the queen as you are, one whose manhood will not be challenged by your strength. You will be a woman who has an opinion and will not hesitate to shout if she needs to be heard. I know that you will never bow in quiet submission.

You already know how to yell.

Kaelyn 016Kaelyn 005

41 thoughts on “Shout”

  1. This is an awesome post! I am totally laughing b/c my husband just walked in to the living room with a picture of me from about 2001 of me in a bikini. He said “Damn, this is a great picture”…and I said “yeah, that is when I THOUGHT I was fat” I totally wasn’t. Then I cracked up at the yoga pants part. TOO TRUE I own three pairs!
    Your sweet child sounds like a hoot. Are you going to test the doritos v boogers test?

  2. SHE is one adorable little girl!
    She sounds like Ava….some days I’m not even sure I’ll MAKE IT to 13 with that child! πŸ™‚

  3. OMG…she and Gabe are twins separated at birth (and by 6 months). The little twit actually yelled at me and told me not to spank him. I told him I wouldn’t if he would stop misbehaving.
    She is such a gorgeous little girl.

  4. lol. My new phrase for the 3 year old is “i know you can here me”. grrrr. she’s in the “I’m ignore you” part of life. It’s awesome. (that would be SO sarcastic, you shlous have already seen that.)

  5. This was a wonderful post! Your love for her just oozes from your words. She will love to read it when she is a little older! πŸ™‚

  6. Those eyes. She is just adorable. (though, of course, I can’t hear her yelling though the computer. And, no, that is no an invitation for you to add a sound track)

  7. Addyson has mastered “huh?” You say something to her and she says “huh” at least 3 times in a row. But, then she can hear the phone ringing before it even rings. WTF?!
    Love all the pictures, she is adorable and I’m loving the new style.
    Addyson saw the pictures and said, “Look that Kawyn? We go see Kawyn.” Silly girl.

  8. She’s a lovely handful! Sounds a lot like Bella — let’s pinky swear never to get them together, or else the world is in for domination.

  9. Keeeeeeyyyooooooot! I love that picture with the arms folded and the snarl. What did you say to prompt that look?

  10. If we never get them together, then we’ll likely not see each other. Not cool. Maybe we should just agree to hook them up to those awful child leash thingies.

  11. It has been a while since they’ve seen each other. Well, you guys will be here for the 4th, then she can see her Kawyn. So cute.

  12. Soundtrack? Thanks for the idea. Though I will not be responsible for breaking the Internet when her voice goes live.

  13. She’s definitely a terror in an angel’s clothing. I probably made her sound three times worse than she really is. She’s probably 75% angel and 25% demon.

  14. We most certainly will NOT be doing a booger vs. Dorito taste test. Grody.
    I have a picture of me in a bikini on my fridge. It make me think twice about about eating the Boston Creme torte that I was going for.

  15. Most of the time, Frank and I have to hide our giggles. We’re supposed to be firm disciplinarians, and all that jazz.

  16. Have you ever watched reruns of the “Bernie Mac” show (God rest his soul)?! ‘Cause that’s what your entry reminded me off, LMAO!
    Kaelyn is SUCH a pip!!! She may be one tough cookie at times, but she will NOT ever take sh*t from anybody as she moves through her life — not from a man, not from a bully, not from some gov’t agency, not from a b*tchy boss — LOVE her spirit!!!

  17. Sounds very much like my niece (esp the do not help part)
    Can’t wait for that age (hmmmm not so much)
    Although they have learned just at 3 months how to screech at an ungodly piercing level.

  18. GeekByMarriage

    Nature made the young cute so we wouldn’t kill them when they annoy the hell out of us. She’s precious!

  19. I do believe I see a bit of Moxie in her…
    I love that you’re doing this rundown – she will appreciate it when she’s older, I’m sure. (Plus! Bonus: As a teenager you will have transcripts of booger conversations to embarrass her with when she goes on dates!)

  20. becoming whole

    I want to ditto Geek By Marriage’s sentiment’s–my bro in law says that the only way 3 yo’s (& puppies) survive to adulthood is through their cuteness. And he should know…my three year old niece is referred to by my sister as her “spunky one.” I’d like to see her together with Kaelyn (and maybe some of these other threebies out there, of course I’m not the parent! πŸ™‚ )–if only we could harness that power for good

  21. I could have written the same conversation. My six-year old boy does the same thing to me. All day long. Every day. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. MOMMY!!! WHAT?!!! I have, in the past, threatened to change my name to Fred. Know what I got then? Mommy Fred. Mommy Freeeddd. Mommy Fred! It’s exasperating. Oh well, misery loves company, right?

  22. I was going to say that she sounds like Zilla, but now I have to say that Pbugsmommy’s son sounds JUST like Zilla. Only I told the kids I was going to change my name to “bedtime”. If you ever get her, Gabe and Bella together, please warn us so we can all hide from the dominate that will take over THE WORLD!
    They are SO exhausting, but so darn cute! I am the worst at trying to discipline Zilla. He is just too damn funny sometimes *sigh* Great post, good luck with dinner tonight ;o)

  23. i was talking to one of my SIL’s about how much fun 2 is and she says “oh wait until they turn 3”. i literally crapped my pants. not literally, but almost. My daughter is just getting into the “i dunno” phase. Even when she does know. it’s just easier for mommy to do everything for her. the best is when she laughs at me in time out. and then after getting spanked in time out because lord help me i don’t want to hurt her little behind. gah! πŸ™‚

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