Infertile, Heal Thyself

It's business as usual, here in the Uterus of the Smart One. By
business, I mean no business at all. Perhaps procrastination is so
deeply rooted in me that it even couches itself into the fibers of my
body, causing certain reproductive organs to screech to a grinding
halt. It is cycle day 40-something.

*crickets chirping*

Apparently my ovaries and uterus have adapted my Why do today what I can put off until tomorrow? philosophy. I
can always tell when my hormone levels have essentially flatlined.
Aside from kickstanded cycles (if my reproductive system was a cycle of
the riding persuasion, then the kickstand is firmly in place on the
ground), I also have the attention span of a gnat and my energy level
is set on Zombie.

Once upon a time, in a far and distant frame of mind, I would have
spent each moment past cycle day 30 hanging my hopes on the possibility
of being pregnant, even as I passed and left cycle day 70 behind in the
dust.

Nowadays, I just pop myself in the ass with 2cc's PIO and call it a
day. No need for a pregnancy test. No need to call the doctor and wait
for a prescription of Provera. I've been around the block enough to
already have the answers (and all associated needles and injectible medications). There is nothing left to do now except wait.

******

In other general news, in la Casa de la Smart One we're all settling
into the rhythms of a new school year. The final piece of Back to
School fell into place last night when Frank went to his first class of
Fall Semester. Kyra has Strep throat and missed school yesterday and
today; hopefully she will feel well enough to go tomorrow. Now we're on
Cootie Watch, because it's only a matter of time before el Cinco starts
dropping like flies as they pass it around.

As my Tweeples know (Twitter friends, for you non-Twittering folk),
a couple of weekends ago my mom ended up in the hospital for a day for
severe pain following a surgery for kidney stones that she'd had just
the day before. One huge stone which was blocking the urethra was
completely removed (they gave it to Mom in a test tube and she
affectionately named the stone "Roscoe"). Last Sunday, my sister Dani
and I spent 3am-1pm in the ER with her. The intense pain, which caused
her to repeatedly double over with nausea and dry heaving, seemed
resistant to the regular run of pain medication. Two IV-block boluses
of Demerol did nothing. Finally she was given a shot of Phenergan to
curb the nausea. Before the needle was pulled from her IV block, Mom
was so high that finally stopped moaning and writhing in agony.  She
remained comfortably buzzed for most of the remainder of the stay.

The on-call doctor decided that Mom should have an CT scan to figure
out what was knocking around in her kidneys, so Dani and I spent 2.5
hours breaking through Mom's haze to get her to choke down two 15 oz.
bottles of a vile banana smoothie-flavored Barium concoction. She was
so out of it that her eyes rolled almost disjointedly into the back of
her head. She mumbled and slurred her speech. There in the hospital,
with my mother completely out if it for some unknown malfunction of her
kidney, Dani and
I did what good daughters do – we laughed our flippin' asses off. Hard. Because Mom + heavy
pain meds = muy haha. Yes, we sat right there and laughed hysterically
in her face for most of the night/morning, knowing that Mom was zooted
that she wouldn't remember, anyway. So to make up for it, once Mom was
lucid (which wasn't until the next day), we told mom in explicit detail
everything she did and said while under the influence that made us
laugh so, and she laughed too. 

The CT scan showed that the smaller bits of the large stones which
were blasted apart in the surgery were lined up one right behind the
other, each lodged in the tube on the way out of the kidney.
Thankfully, they've moved and are on their way down and out. Mom called
me excitedly last week to inform me that she "delivered triplets" with
that morning's pee.Huzzah.

So to those of you who knew about Mom's health issues, thank you for
keeping her in your thoughts and prayers. To everyone, please keep her
in your continued thoughts, because she received the crappy news that
as of yesterday, she was laid off. It's unrelated to her health issues
but came completely out of the blue, so she's still reeling from the
shock of it. She's been granted a lousy two weeks of severance pay.
Hopefully she'll land another job back quickly, since here in the
Georgia mental health services circuit she's well-known and often
requested to take on tough cases throughout the state.

********

Cookie news: in his bakery break, Frank has been concocting lots of
sinful treats which to tempt your palate when he reopens sometime in
late September/early October. He's figured out the magic formula of
chocolate cookie dough, so you have those varieties to look forward to.
"Naughty" cookies which have definitely made the cut and will be
offered:

Vampire Bite: chocolate cookie with cayenne (which is now my personal favorite)
Fourplay: chocolate cookie with pecans, walnuts, almonds, and macadamia nuts
Caught in the Mo'Mint: chocolate-mint cookie
Chocolate Cherry Bombs: all the things you love about the regular CB except with chocolate cookie
Down to the COAR: Caramel, Oatmeal, Apples, Raisins
Monkeygirl: Just like the Monkeyboy (banana/walnut cookies) except with no nuts. Heh.
Get Lei'd: coconut, rum-soaked pineapple, macadamia nuts, white chocolate chips

He's also added standard peanut butter and oatmeal raisin cookies to the list of "Nice" cookies.

***********

Ever just need a moment? Everything that I said I needed to get out
has again morphed into marbles that I need to roll around
introspectively before letting them loose (lost my marbles! ha!). The smooth rounds of different but related ideas are knocking
into each other, causing a chain reaction of changed angles and
different directions. I need for the mental movement and physics to
slow down again so that I can focus on and write about one or two glass
beads at a time instead of being mesmerized into inaction by the
constant shifting of thoughts.

Just wanted to let you all know that I'm alive and breathing, and all is (generally) well.

29 Comments

  1. Aunt Becky on August 18, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    I am now drooling onto my keyboard.



  2. Lorza on August 18, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    yummy. I can’t wait for the new cookies! I am glad your mom is doing better- that is great you guys are able to laugh your asses off!! 🙂 That is totally what my mom and I do too. My husband just doesn’t get it. LOL!!!



  3. Nikki on August 18, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    Glad your mom’s doing better. Hope she feels 100% soon.
    I saw the title of your post, and came here to see if you really had a cure that I could use – the hopeless infertile that I am! Didn’t find that, but you put a smile on my face, and that was much needed too.
    The cookies sound yummy!



  4. Diamonique on August 18, 2009 at 6:27 pm

    You have to find a way to lower the hipping to canada. I know that we are a smaller market but I want to taste those cookies!!!! ;o)



  5. Shelli on August 18, 2009 at 6:27 pm

    Oh you have so much going on!
    I hope your Mom feels better. My Dad had several kidney stones and proclaimed it was the worst he’s ever felt in his life (bladder cancer treatment wasn’t even nearly as painful as kidney stones)… so I can relate.
    The new cookies are making my mouth drool.



  6. Diamonique on August 18, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    hummmm I mean shipping….hipping might be harder



  7. Fertility Chick on August 18, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    I’m glad to read this update on your mum – and to know that she’s doing better! I love that even she could have a sense of humour about everything she was going through. I love even more that she named one stone Roscoe and ‘delivered triplets’! Classic.
    As for the cookies….ohhhhhhh yuuuuuummmmm is all that I can say!!!
    Sounds like a very busy time!



  8. Cindy on August 18, 2009 at 7:10 pm

    OMG. I so need to get lei’d…do you think I’ll get pregnant?
    Sounds YUM! Go ahead and start soaking my pineapples…they should be adequately alcohol-ized by October.



  9. Kristin on August 18, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    Mmmmmmm, the cookies sound delish.
    Sorry your body is being difficult.
    Hope your mom feels better ASAP and the creeping crud avoids the rest of the kids.



  10. Sandi on August 18, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    That was too much for me to process. From shots to CT scans and cookies. Holy Shit, Can I have a shot of whatever you got over there? ….and with some cookies please.



  11. Calliope on August 18, 2009 at 8:07 pm

    thank effing gawd for an update!!! I was starting to go into Moxie withdrawal. Your Mama has been on my mind. That sucks ass about the job sitch but hope she is able to get something else lined up soon.
    & seriously WHEN are we going to talk about True Blood?!!!
    & also. Seriously. Chocolate mint cookies in the fall? Oh Frank…sigh & swoon.
    xo



  12. Sunny on August 18, 2009 at 8:07 pm

    Vampire bite… yummy! DH and I just adore spicy chocolate.



  13. Carrie Holmquist on August 18, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    Yay, I’m happy that you all changed the name of the mint cookie. Either way, I would have eaten it 😉



  14. Megan on August 18, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    I’m glad you’re well, but I’ll have your mom in my prayers. I’m glad she is done with the kidney crap. I’ve been through that myself, and a blocked up kidney is the worst pain I’ve ever had.



  15. Melissa on August 18, 2009 at 10:14 pm

    I’m glad that your mom is feeling better, I’m sorry about her job, but hopefully she will find something quickly.
    aaaaaa the cookies sound soooooo goooood!



  16. Io on August 18, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    I can’t believe you and your sister laughed at your mom like that. But I REALLY can’t believe you didn’t video tape it so we could all laugh!
    I am so sorry about the job thing – it makes me feel that pit in my stomach knowing other people have to go through that. I hope unemployment is a short lived time.
    I also hope that the cooties somehow don’t get around.
    I also also hope that I can scrounge together some extra money to order me some cookies. My hopes that my friend Erica would have one or two left by the time I visited were dashed and she laughed at me and said they lasted one day in her family.



  17. Io on August 18, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    Oh, and I totally had to spend five gazillion hours in the Atlanta airport and I was like “I wonder if Moxie lives anywhere near the airport. How cool if we could grab a drink or something!” And then I looked it up and realized that my geography knowledge is pathetic.



  18. coffeegrl on August 18, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    Sheesh. You have clearly got your hands full. I’m happy to hear that you and your sister had a few laughs at your mom’s expense (I adore my mom and would *totally* do the same! “Ha ha Mom look what you did!!!”) Frank’s newest flavors sound awesome. Is it pitiful that I take some sliver of pride in the Vampire Bite? I mean, I’m sure you all could have figured that one out on your own, and really Frank is The Man doing all the work…but I still feel proud 🙂 Go Smart Ones!



  19. anymommy on August 19, 2009 at 12:11 am

    I’m so glad your mom is okay – ouch. Having read about your family for a year now, I’m not surprised you and your sister found the humor in that situation. And, I absolutely know the feeling of just needing a break. You’ve been through a lot in the last year. Two incredibly emotional and heart breaking surrogacies on top of your regular life. Take a moment, darling, or several!



  20. JJ on August 19, 2009 at 8:50 am

    Glad to hear the update on your mom-and Im sooo sorry about the job. Economy needs to throw us a cookie–how about one of Frank’s BIG Ones 😉 I cant waaaaaaait to order in the fall. yum, yum!



  21. Becoming Whole on August 19, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    I was wondering about you and your mom. Mostly you, but also your mom. I’m so glad that she’s doing better, but that SUCKS ASS about her job. Nothin’ like being kicked while you’re down, ‘eh employers?
    But, Frank! Frank, Frank, Frank. Frank is enough to make up for it all, misbehaving uteruses, kidney stones, and unemplyed mothers, is he not? That cookie making man… oh my! Those naughty cookies sound delightful.
    Miss Doggy wishes she could be there–she would snuggle with you and lick you on the chin (well, she really goes for the mouth, but you’ve got to be careful!). Hugs galore.



  22. El Cinco's GranGran on August 19, 2009 at 5:10 pm

    Hi all…
    Thank you for all of the well wishes! It was actually closer to 4 when we left the hospital.
    Moxie was so wrong for laughing at me and setting a terrible example for her Baby Sister. Since she was so kind to share my tale of “hospital-high” antics.
    I do remember the first ER doctor that came in asked me, “oh, so you were sitting there minding your own business and you felt pain in your side?” Once I got the first sense of pain from a lesser god, I remember wanting to bitch slap him and I vaguely remember telling the girls I was going to do it if he came back in. I wonder why he never did!
    Since Moxie shared a story.
    Moxie, remember the time you came flying down the stairs in Orlando? That sounds like a good one to tell.
    Payback… LOL



  23. Moxie on August 19, 2009 at 5:31 pm

    Not funny, Mom. Not funny. No need to tell the good people here that horrid story. 🙂



  24. Beautiful Mess on August 19, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    D’OH hospital/fall story pay backs! Do tell!
    Hope your mom stays feeling well and hoping she finds a job sooner, rather then later!
    *HUGS*



  25. El Cinco's GranGran on August 19, 2009 at 9:26 pm

    I can be the official business manager for Frank’s Big Ones because I think it will be just that BIG!



  26. luna on August 20, 2009 at 1:55 am

    glad your mom is feeling better! I wanted to tweet you but twitter now hates me and won’t let me tweet!
    btw, frank’s concoctions just made me drool a little.
    now, if only el cinco’s grangran would tell the orlando story…



  27. luna on August 20, 2009 at 1:56 am

    oh and I’m really sorry about your mom’s job. that just rots. here’s hoping she finds a good one soon.



  28. T Lee on August 21, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    Just stopping through from ICLW- and I LOVE your banner art! More importantly, though, I’m glad your mom’s feeling better…



  29. Sly and the Family Kidney Stones on December 18, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    […] do hereby solemnly swear to record anything worthy of post-surgery after-the-fact laughter. That’s what any good daughter would do when her mom is in the hospital with tubes snaking out of her […]