Bathroom Boys

We have two full bathrooms, but we really need, like, a kajillion to get baths/showers done in a reasonable amount of time. Growing up in a house of estrogen with my mom and sisters, there was never really a distinction between "Mom's" bathroom and "our" bathroom. Mom only showered and prepped in her bathroom, but my sisters and I used whichever one was open and Mom wasn't really big on making a point of banning us from hers "just because" it was her bedroom.

I've slowly come to realize after several years of parenting more than twice as many children as I have bathrooms that I would rather not adapt this philosophy, especially because 3 out of 5 of those children are boys. Boys, I have learned, have a tendency to pee on things. Like my toilet seat. I've seen each of them zone out mid-pee and their careful, downspout aims go wayward. Case in point – this morning Jordan staggered into my bathroom and in his 6:30 a.m. haze, dropped trou, miscalculated, and started sprinkling the upturned lid of the toilet.

"Jordan!" I exclaimed, having seen this reflected in the mirror where I was washing my face. He turned, but instead of turning just his head, he twisted his entire body. While still peeing. Like a tank he dropped pee bombs, a careful arc of yellow ammunition hitting the wall and the floor.


"Oh. Oops."

Oops. Oops?

"Oops," said The Boy with the BattleWeenie.

The Teej had an "oops" moment last night of a different variety in my bathroom. Having just showered, he came into the bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist (as usual) and another wrapped around his head (not usual). Wondering if he was trying to channel the spirit of the Chiquita banana lady, I asked "Teej, why do you have a towel on your head?"

"Because I was cold."

Fair enough. Frank had just cut the boys' hair before their showers, and what the hell do I know about boys and freshly-buzzed haircuts? Perhaps their bare heads get as cold as my butt does when I just get out of the shower.

But then he said, "Auntie Moxie — when I was in the shower, I accidentally got soap in my eyes. And when I was feeling around for the towel, I accidentally picked up the razor and then I found the towel, which, y'know, was hanging over the shower door. And when I reached up to get the towel, I accidentally shaved my head."

"What do you mean you…take that towel off of your head and let me see."

(This is where you're going to start screaming DID YOU TAKE A PICTURE? at me. No, I did not take a picture, I'm sorry to say. In my Nyquil-induced haze, it did not occur to me to snap a blackmail shot.)

On his head, my friends, TJ had clearly made several linear, angular "accidental" passes, shaving in what can only be described as a lopsided Kandinsky painting. Or perhaps the Peruvian Nazca Lines. TJ could have single-handedly single-headedly provided a landing strip for an alien invasion, thereby causing our abductions and consequential anal probing by bug-eyed, bulb-headed little green men. Perhaps that's why aliens are purported to be bald; though they have harnessed the technology of gravitomagnetism and warp-speed astrophysics, they were stupid enough to try to shave their heads in the shower and their mommies decided to shave them clean instead of sending them to Anal Probing Techniqes class with the Nazca lines embarrassingly apparent on their domes.

So because TJ was stupid enough to try to shave his head in the shower (my shower), I had Frank shave him clean instead of sending him to class with the Nazca Lines embarrassingly apparent on his dome.

Frank: You're lucky Auntie Moxie had mercy on you, because if it was up to just me, you'd be going to class tomorrow with those lines embarrassingly apparent on your dome.

Me: No, as much as I'd like to, our discipline doesn't operate on embarrassment. Besides, I don't want to be responsible for his class being abducted and probed.

Frank: Huh?

Me: Nevermind. No, Teej, we won't send you to school with those lines in your head, but after you finish your homework, you're to stay in your room until I get home from work. That means you'll be in there for about an hour or so. You're not being punished because you shaved your head. I think that having a completely bald head until your hair grows back is embarrassment enough to serve as punishment for that. You are, however, being punished for the lying. When you do something wrong and you know you're wrong, we expect you to tell us the truth instead of making up silly stories as an excuse. Got it?

TJ: Got it, Auntie Moxie.

Me: Good, now get back in the bathroom so that Uncle Frank can get you all squared away. And watch your step, because Jordan was in there before you and after doing THAT to your head, the last thing you need is to slip in pee.


Did you have a Perfect Moment? Read others at Lori's place on Weebles Wobblog.

35 thoughts on “Bathroom Boys”

  1. You have THE BEST stories (If not the ickiest)!
    My son is not so bad. But I once found evidence that his friend was using the seat lid (as it was up) as a bullseye.
    Ewwwww. I bought a canister of Clorox wipes and the next time he came over I taught him how to use them.
    No more problems πŸ™‚

  2. Whew! Narrowly escaped being abducted! Smart thinking. You never know what may set THEM off.

  3. At least it wasn’t one of the girls who accidentally shaved her head.
    When she was a little younger than Teej, one of DH’s sisters used to have a lot of incidents in which her hair (or the hair of one of her dolls/stuffed animals) would accidentally get cut. “I was playing with the scissors and it just happened…”

  4. My daughter gave herself a very BAD mullet cut when she was 4. Her hair was down to her butt but practically shaved at the sides and top. We called her Billy (her name is Becca) for months. She never cut her hair again. Man, I cried.

  5. Bwahahahahaha…and, just this once I will excuse you failing all parents and their infamous blackmail pictures. Nyquil is a decent excuse. I think their should be a designated girls’ bathroom and a boys’ bathroom.

  6. Moxie, in response the comment..
    In India, there is still NO guidelines formulated concretely about Plan B ads. And if there is any policy, these marketers are yet to go through with it.

  7. Oh, man. I remember how FASCINATING razors seemed…. I spent the first 3 weeks of 7th grade (at a new school) gripping my left arm to hide the place my curiosity led me to “accidentally” shave bare.

  8. I cannot get over TBB’s ability to pee on everything in sight. No sooner do I rid the toilet of the awful pee stench than he does it again.

  9. You make me so happy to have a girl…who will eventually cut her own hair, but probably not shave it off. She will, however, make up a good story about how it happened. She’s not even 3 and is already making up stories for her stuffed animals.
    Good job on preventing the class from being abducted by aliens. You should get an award at the next PTA meeting.

  10. So glad we have a girl, haha! Although- if she is anything like me she will have to learn the fine art of tweezing. Hopefully unlike me she will actually let me do it at first so she doesn’t go through 7th grade with piddly half there eyebrows. Did you know that eyebrows are probably the slowest things to grow back?! I couldn’t even use the drunken prank excuse!

  11. snort!
    You always crack me up.
    I think the image of the towel on sweet Teej’s head is what made me smile the most- like some sort of young adult Johny Carson or something.
    and as always I am amazed by your level headedness.

  12. OMGosh that cracks me up!!! Because I can so relate!! I have 4 boys… 5 counting the grown up boy. I am constantly yelling “who pee’d on the seat?” … “who pee’d all over the floor” … “can’t you lift up the seat? I don’t need golden drops on my butt!” … LOLOL… I actually have a sign that hangs over my toilet that says “My aim is to keep this bathroom clean, your AIM would help” LOL
    Stopping by via the ICLW links πŸ™‚

  13. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I accidentally shaved my head! *crying* That’s a good one! Although, I can’t BELIEVE he thought you would fall for that! Does he AT LEAST get 2 points for creativity? Of course don’t tell HIM that! He might get more creative and ya’ll might not be able to fix it. I’m pretty sure since I’m laughing, Zilla will do something like this now. Shit! I just screwed myself. Can I send Zilla to Frank for a hair cut fix, if he does?
    Hope you feel better soon!

  14. Now THIS….THIS is the way a kid pee story should be told. (you’ll understand when you read my post for tomorrow).
    Awesome. What fun you have!

  15. Moxie never cut her hair but her sisters did.
    Chanel once cut her hair while we were in Germany, she said the, “girl down the street did it.” I was about to go find the “girl down the street” when it hit me… she hadn’t been out of the house all day!
    I almost fell for it. I won’t even talk about the eyebrow story!

  16. I just fell in love with your blog!
    I had an “accidental” incident with a razor in 7th grade. Serious lapse in judgement. 1 kids from school still calls me Baldy to this day. Ouch.

  17. Bwahahahahahahahaha!
    I found this story so funny that I read it out loud to DH as we were sitting here watching tv. πŸ™‚

  18. I am totally laughing out loud at this!! Even without a photo (and how great that would have been) I can just picture the “alien landing strip” although I am not going to try to picture the inevitable probing πŸ™‚
    :: ICLW ::

  19. very funny! The boys zoning out while peeing is totally true… my nephew has always been a nonstop talker, so when he would go pee as a little guy he would leave the door wide open and continue to talk while going. The number of times we had to clean up after his ‘accidents’ was innumerable.

  20. heheheheheh – this post made me chuckle!
    oh if I had a dollar for every time I’d *sit* (yes, SIT!!!) in pee in the middle of the night, like a golden shower surprise from hell, I’d have….
    exactly 3 dollars.

  21. hey this comment is completely not related. the link to e-mail you doesn’t work (on my computer anyway) and i had a few questions for you. I want to donate the leftover meds i have (not cycling anymore) i have ovidrel, ganirelex, and crinone and i wanted your advice/opinion on the matter.. πŸ™‚
    my e-mail is melryan09 at yahoo dot com

  22. I love reading your blog, but rarely post a comment, I’m coming out of lurkdom today to say, Hey there, where are you? I come by each day looking forward to “seeing” you, but you’ve been missing since the 24th of last month!
    I had a big chuckle reading this last post. I too have a boy. He is 5. He has “decorated” our toilet and the rest of the area around the toilet in the same fashion as Jordan on many occasion. I’ve even caught him at it, called him out and he’s turned around in EXACTLY the same fashion! Nice to know I’m not alone in this. Also thanks for the warning, I’ve removed my razor from the shower, don’t want a similar situation as with TJ to happen….and now you’ve put it in my mind, I just know one of these days it COULD very well happen!
    Hope all is well with you and your family.
    Oh btw, how well do those yummy sounding cookies of Frank’s travel? To Australia?!! I’ve been drooling just imagining them…. SERIOUSLY!

Comments are closed.