Never Paper, Always Plastic

After the heaviness of Heartlight, I thought it might do my soul good to follow with something a wee bit more lighthearted.

Frank has a knack for leaving purchased items packed in the plastic shopping bags that the bagger put them in during checkout. Here's the thing – he will put the items away in their proper places, but will not unbag them first. Loaves of bread are placed on top of the fridge in the bag. Packages of chicken, roasts, pork chops, and other meats are placed in the chest freezer in the bags. Boxes of mac & cheese, Rice-a-Roni (the San Franciscooooooo treat!) and various other side dishes are placed on the pantry shelves in the freakin' bags. Windex, lemon-scented Pledge, Pine-Sol, and other cleaners are left in the cabinet under the kitchen sink, still in the plastic grocery bags. Two hazards for the price of one! BONUS!

On Saturday while Frank was at class (sucks to be him, with a class on Saturday mornings!), I went on a cleaning rampage. Heavy cleaning may not sound like a noteworthy event, but in my case, I assure you that it is. My impulse to go on a cleaning dervish comes less often than a total solar eclipse on February 29th, so when it happens people usually just stand back and watch with their mouths agape in awed wonderment and take pictures that they later caption I WUZ HERE. It was those damned plastic bags which set this one off. 

Intending to make tuna sandwiches and French fries for lunch, I went to the refrigerator for a few eggs to boil. 18 Grade A extra large eggs. On the shelf. In the yellow, squeaky, Styrofoam container. In a plastic bag with KROGER stamped in blue on the side. It was sitting right next to the Miracle Whip, which was in a bag of its own. I growled a little and may have paired Frank's name with a choice curse word under my breath. Then I proceeded to the freezer to get the fries. I don't have to tell you what I found there.

Have you ever watched that show Snapped, the documentary-type show which chronicles when women do just that and KILL someone, usually a husband or significant other who has pissed them off that one. last. time? Somewhere in the depths of my mind, I heard it — that little *snap* — and instead of plotting murder, the result was the cleaning dervish.

I cleared all the bags from the two freezers in the garage: the chest freezer (where the meats are stored), then from the standing freezer (where all the other frozen stuff is stored), then from the freezer half of the fridge in the kitchen (where the important stuff like ice cream is stored). Eleven total among the freezers (I know this, because the mania sparked a sort of OCD drive to count how many effin' bags I found). Then that rolled into wondering how many more bags I'd find between the cabinet under the sink and the pantry (7 more) which – hey! While I'm in the pantry, I might as well throw out anything that's expired or stale or that we'll never get around to eating, anyway. And since I'm clearing out the pantry, I may as well clear out the fridge and give that a good scrubbing, and since I'm throwing out expired stuff, I may as well go through the medicine cabinet and throw out all the old meds. And here is the lotion I've been looking for, but it belongs in the bathroom and dude — is that pee on the floor next to the kids' tub? I'd better go get the bathroom cleaner and get to work in here and look! — there's no toilet paper in here…I'd better go get some from the linen closet in the hall and damn! — it 's a mess in here so I should refold these towels….

Frank got home and the house sparkled and smelled like lemons.

His eyes widened in amazement, and then he checked the calendar to see if it was a leap year.

"I got you something," he said, with the prideful excitement of a child who is about to give his mom the painting he made in art.

"Oh, yeah?" I said, perking up in anticipation for my prize. "Is it something really important, like something with a lot of sugar and fat and calories to recharge me after that cleaning rampage I just got finished with?"

"We're in each others' minds again — I stopped and Baskin-Robbins and got you some jamocha almond fudge ice cream! I know it's your fave." He threw an air-kiss in my direction, then put the pint of ice cream in the freezer.

In. the flippin'. bag.


I took the bag, jumped on Frank's back like a rabid Outbreak monkey, and suffocated my husband.

He had it comin'.* 

TV producers will be calling at any moment to book me for an episode of Snapped.

So tell…what are some of your pet peeves?

*The first person to comment with the reference to the allusion and a list of at least three (more are welcome) of your peeves gets a free dozen of Frank's Big Ones (which will not be sent in a plastic grocery bag). Your peeves can be directly related to your significant other or any peeve in general.

Plastic bags in my freezer are perfect only if they contain husband-saving ice cream. Other Perfect Moment Mondays can be found at Weebles Wobblog.

31 thoughts on “Never Paper, Always Plastic”

  1. There are too many to count.
    Opening up a drawer only to close is 3/4 of the way. Why can’t it be closed ALL the way?!
    Empty soda box left in the fridge? Really. Is it too much to throw it away once the last can is gone.
    Empty pizza box left ON TOP on the garbage can in the kitchen. Um, no, it’s not “a lid”, honey. UGHH!

  2. Only 3 pet peeves??? Gee, I don’t think that’s enough!
    I’ll give it a go though!
    1) Hubby takes his socks off in the lounge room and leaves them there! If I don’t pick them up to put them in the laundry, they stay there for days!!!
    2)I really, really REALLY hate finding spelling mistakes or grammatical errors in published books… they have editors and such – they should pick these things up, right!??!
    3)When my hubby takes the rubbish to the outside bins, he never ever replaces the rubbish bag in the indoor bin!!!
    Hmmm, don’t know the allusion, but it felt good to get those pet peeves off my chest! Thanks!!

  3. Really- only 3?!
    1- When the hub gets dressed every single freaking morning he leaves the dresser drawer open. AFTER leaving his boxers in a pile in the bathroom & his clothes from the day before in a pile NEXT to the hamper. (See how I got 3 in 1 there? I’m sneaky!)
    2- Socks in the living room. Especially now that pumpkin is starting to spend a great deal of time being mobile on the floor- daddy’s socks are not really good teething toys!
    3- When someone takes the last of something without mentioning it (or replacing it) ‘Oh- watch yourself in the bathroom- I used the last of the tp & forgot to put some back so you’ll get stuck with your bare bum hanging out for a while as you try to figure out what to do about that.’ or ‘I ate the last of that really yummy ice cream just before you decided that it would be the perfect thing to make you feel better after a really long day with a sick baby’
    by the way- jamocha almond fudge sounds de-licious! Good job Frank- except for the bags of course! ;o)

  4. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!! Dear fucking lawd do I love you.
    & jamocha almond fudge ice cream- my 2nd favorite after peppermint. Publix makes a great “light” version that I love.
    Pet peeves:
    1)people not saying “bless you”
    2)people remarking on W in any way that is stupid (you know the, “he looks skinny/fat/cold/hungry”remarks
    3)the phrase, “while you’re up….”I seriously hate this phrase because it usually involves someone asking you to DO something when all you were planning on doing was closing the blinds

  5. I love the show Snapped! My hubby gets scared when he sees me watching it! LOL!
    I hate it when he:
    1) leaves empty containers of something in the fridge
    2) buys crap at Lowe’s, leaves it in the bag for 3 months but he just HAD to have it!
    3) leaves his socks and shoes all over the house

  6. Well, if we want to focus on just those who are our signifacant pains…I mean others
    1. The bathroom light…If no one is in there, there is NO need to light the way.
    2. The fire hazard known as the dryer lint trap should be cleaned after every load…..not just when its so thick you could knit a sweater from it.
    3. Yes dear, I’m glad you shaved….but could clean up all the little clippings from around the sink…I really don’t want to make a toothbrush from them.
    Glad you are writing….and speaking of cookies….when can a person buy some??? I’ve run out…and that is a cryin’ shame.

  7. Dangit! I thought I was gonna be the first one to get the Chicago allusion.
    Anyway, here are my pet peeves (and I’m keeping them hubby-related in the spirit of the post):
    1. He turns on every light everywhere he goes — every lamp, room light, hall light, task light — and never turns any of them off.
    2. When he cooks, he leaves all of the pots and pans sitting on the stove. On the rare occasion that he does put them in the dishwasher or washes them, when they’re clean he just sets them back on the stove rather than putting them in the cupboard.
    3. I know this is so clichΓ©, but he squeezes the toothpaste from right at the top of the tube. This wouldn’t bother me except that the toothpaste we get has stripes, and if you don’t squeeze it from the bottom up, it starts messing up the striiiiiiipes. Grr.

  8. 1. Beer caps, in the dishtowel next to the sink (he uses the towel to twist off the caps but never throws them in the trash). I pick up the towel to dry my hands and the cap flies out. I really freak out when it flies down the garbage disposal.
    2. Never, EVER puts the twist tie on the bread. I’ve thrown away stale loaves of bread more times than I can count.
    3. Water all over the sink after he washes his hands, brushes teeth, etc. I lean into it and get a nice water stain on my shirt.
    aaaaah, that feels better!!

  9. BabyMakingJourney

    OMG- I have TOTALLY alluded to the Snapped show in my life. (which, sometimes I can totally understand on that sick/twisted level I have)
    1. The fact that DH has to walk around the bathroom and bedroom straight out of the shower while he cleans his ears out with Q-tips. Honestly- dripping wet walking and dripping water. We have tile floors. I have cracked my head open, broke my toe, and busted my ass slipping on his puddles. I told him that I am going to amend my life insurance to have a clause that he gets nothing if slip on a pool of water from a puddle in the bathroom. ARRRRGH
    2. He puts all trash on the counter 3 inches from the trash can. The trash can has a handsfree infared opener. He just has to go the extra 3 inches. The other day I found 3 gatorade bottles, two cookie wrappers, three paper plates(used), and two q-tips. (see above…must walk naked dripping wet to trash can in kitchen. Because I might miss the puddles in the bathroom and bedroom, so he needs to leave some in the kitchen)
    3. DH Will grab handfulls of ceral, chips, etc. by the handful and walk around the house depositing them every three feet. I have burned up three vacuums, two dustbusters and a swiffer vac cleaning after him.
    Sometimes I step on one cheerio too many…after I slip on a puddle…going to throw away a half can of trash on the counter.
    That is when I hear the theme music to Snapped.
    πŸ™‚ That was chathartic!!!

  10. BabyMakingJourney

    PS I loved the “He Had It Comin'” number. So much I bought the soundtrack. It is my bad day song…along with Alainis’ Jagged Little Pill Album. πŸ™‚

  11. This made me laugh so hard!
    Since I (thankfully) have no significant other at the moment, I will not list any pet peeves. But all of those listed above sound really annoying.
    Mmmm, Frank’s cookies….(drooling ensues).

  12. Cracked me right up, this one.
    I’m with Kaysie above on leaving socks around — as in, on the coffee table. Number two would have to be denying he does ANY of my pet peeves. Someday I will take photographic evidence. Muahahahahahahaha.
    I would forgive for Jamocha Almond Fudge — that’s my favorite BR flavor, too.

  13. Using half a tomato, onion, lemon, whatever and putting the unused half back in the fridge without wrapping it letting it decompose and dry up.
    Compulsive DVD/CD/VHS/VINYL LP shopping. She has thousands of items (not exaggerrating). I try to instill “one in, one out” but she will smuggle stuff in when she can because I can’t keep track.
    Getting a blackberry storm and not putting it on loud (she has a hearing problem)or use her bluetooth or puts it on vibrate and sticks it in her pocket where SHE CAN’T FEEL IT. AND TURNS IT OFF “when she feels like shutting out the world”. BUT she does any of these when we have to meet up someplace and yes she has missed a few “I’m stranded” calls.

  14. Fortunately, I bet you look good in prison orange.
    1. Cabinet doors left open.
    2. Whiskers on the sink (which we share).
    3. Does not know how to operate the “OFF” part of a lightswitch.
    You’ve unleashed us!

  15. – I love this song!!! πŸ™‚
    Pet peeves…hmmmm…can I come up with 3?
    1. Leaving dishes in the sink or on the counter when he’s home all day and I’m at work.
    2. Doesn’t tidy the family room regularly unless we’re having company and it’s usually got papers everywhere.
    3. Is always “right”. Ooo I hate that. πŸ™‚
    I guess I could come up with 3.

  16. Ok, as you know everyone thinks Scott is perfect, Well here are a few things that really get me!!
    1. He leaves the dishwasher open and expects everyone to navigate around it. I have many a scars from that durn dishwasher always being open.
    2. Kitchen cabinets and medicine cabinet always left open. Again knock myself silly on those open doors!!
    3. NEVER puts seat down on the toliet and NEVER replaces the toliet paper!!!

  17. I’m visiting from PMM on Weebles Wobblog.
    Loved your story and knew the Chicago reference! In fact, I started singing, “He had it coming” I LOVE Chicago and I love that song.
    I’m amazed at how many of the Pet Peeves listed above sound familiar (lights being left on, dishes piling up by the sink, nearly empty or empty containers or toilet paper rolls, etc.).
    It makes me wonder if it’s just a male species thing??? (I have three sons and am the only estrogen-producing being in the house.)
    One that wasn’t on the list was what I call, “Wet and Wadded.” W&W is when I find sweaty workout clothes all wadded up in the hamper when I am doing laundry — days later and still wet! Even nagging about it doesn’t prompt him to lay them out or hang them up to dry before they go into the washer.
    Better yet, “Throw them in the laundry yourself!” SNAP!

  18. Oh my!! I am the pet peeve-havin’ queen!! (Potential problem, I’m aware.)
    Crumbs left on the counter or the floor or the stove!!!
    He who must blame someone for every frickin frackin thing, but never is it himself he blames!!! Good GOD, stop it!!!
    PLEASE don’t sound like a chomping cow when you eat…DRIVES ME SNAPPY!!!

  19. That would totally make me snap.
    Three of my many pet peeves:
    1. Cups sitting on the counter, instead of in the dishwasher. It’s right there, inches away.
    2. A new one, C stashing his socks in the front closet. I found piles in there yesterday when cleaning.
    3. Coffee stains on the counter.

  20. 1. opening drawers to get something and not closing them.
    2. Leaving dirty dishes on the counter on top of an empty dishwasher.
    3. Seeing piles of colour sorted laundry and putting dirty clothes somewhere else entirely.
    I could go on but then i would prove his belief that I am a control freaky nag.

  21. Pet peeves! I have many but the biggest is this. When people call you and they have the wrong number and they!! Say frigging wrong number dipshit! Don’t just hang up on me|!!!!

  22. 1. I’m in ‘a mood’ after a long stressful day at work and a long commute after that, and the second I come into the house, I get hit with ‘we gotta do . . .’ and ‘we gotta pay . . . ‘ and ‘you gotta do . . . ‘ and ‘did you do . . . ‘ Honestly, can I have 3 friggin’ minutes, please?
    2. The comments about my driving make me seriously nuts. Somehow, I drive my big behind 30 miles one way to work and back every day in rain, sleet, snow, etc., and I’ve been in one accident (the other driver’s fault) in the last 15 years. Yet, when he gets in the car with me, I’m a little girl who needs ‘big strong man’ to teach her to drive. Honestly, how DO I tie my shoes without him there to supervise??
    3. When he notices that he’s out of something, he’ll leave the empty box on the counter – no matter how big it is — as a reminder. If I throw it away, he gets annoyed because he says then he’ll forget. Seriously, do we really need 2 empty cereal boxes, an empty box of sudafed, 2 big empty bottles of gatorade, and an empty carton of juice on the counter? Has he ever HEARD of a shopping list??
    OMG – thanks so much!!! That felt SOOOOO good.

  23. Gee, a house full of boys and I can only list 3…some how that is NOT fair.
    1)Vic is completely incapable of putting away the toilet paper, diapers, or wipes. He goes shopping and even puts other things away but those get dropped on or near the table. Once, I left the 24 ct pack of toilet paper there (it was big enough that you couldn’t miss it) just to see how long it would take for one of the males in th house to put it away. I finally put it away when it was still there 10 days later.
    2)Hubby and the boys using those little flavor tubes for bottled water and leaving the tube and the top piece they cut of on the counter. There is a frickin’ garbage can not 3 feet away, USE IT!
    3)The males of this house swearing up and down that they couldn’t possibly have splattered pee somewhere other than the toilet when they were half asleep and seriously expecting me to buy that. I sit down to pee. Mine doesn’t splatter.

  24. That is TOO FUNNY! I love that quirk of Franks, I’ve never heard of that before. But of course, I’m not the one opening my fridge and having 11 Kroger bags staring back at me. πŸ™‚
    My biggest pet peeve regarding hubby is that he NEVER knows when he’ll be leaving work. I think he’s left work on time probably twice in the past year. Whether you ask him at 10 am or at 5:30 pm: “What time will you be heading home today?” He is always off by AT LEAST a half hour. If I’m lucky, it’ll be that close. Planning dinner is a nightmare.
    Another pet peeve: When you use the last of something (or it’s getting very low), please put it on the grocery list. It’s really not a difficult concept.
    Hmmmm… I can’t think of another one for hubby! He’s actually pretty easy to live with. Either that or he works so much that he’s not around much to annoy me. Either way, it works for us. πŸ™‚

  25. oh wait one more
    Maribelle’s inability to put leftovers in a tupperware she puts whole pots and pans in the refridgerator or my absolute favorite: gets a plate and covers a bowl with it. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

  26. Nycphoenix – I think Maribelle and I might be peeve-inducing soul mates because I do almost all those things. The plate to cover a bowl thing is a personal favorite.
    My pet peeves…
    1. Turn signals. Turn signals turn signals turn signals. TURN FREAKING SIGNALS, people! Use them.
    2. The way my husband thinks its sexy to rub up against me while I’m in the kitchen, practically knocking me over with his affection and making it impossible for me to do whatever it is I am trying to do. But sweet, too. Sure.
    3. When people (read Husband) set the new roll of toilet paper on top of the old, empty roll and don’t just change it out! I mean, he spends a good ten minutes of ‘alone time’ in there when he has to go #2. I would think that would give him ample time to take the old roll out and put the new one in.

  27. I never heard of “Snapped” but sounds like something I would so watch.
    1. I HATE to hear anyone chewing or drinking, hate hate hate it. (and i never use the word hate)
    2. Anything moved from its place and left crooked.
    3. Despise the phrase “its takes two to tango” thanks Mom.

  28. My husband has way more pet peeves then I do but my top the are
    1. Less then a glass of juice/milk/crystal lite left in the fridge.
    2.Getting a missed call and calling back within a min or 2 and nobody answering.
    3.Other peoples driving. I am a total backseat driver and I also yell at other cars while I drive. Some people should just not be driving.

  29. Oh, I am so so late but gotta pitch in… Despite Mr. Nishkanu’s near-perfection there are a couple things he does that drive me around the bend.
    #3 pet peeve – Taking recyclables and leaving them on the counter NEXT TO the door to the back porch where the bin of recyclables is stored. And never, ever, ever opening the back door to actually move the recyclables out. Gee, after all, they seem to magically disappear even if he doesn’t do it himself.
    #2 pet peeve – “Cleaning up the dishes” consists of putting the dishwashable dishes in the dishwasher and putting the handwash pots and pans in the sink. Where they will sit until kingdom come unless I wash them. Dude, don’t think that you get points for cleaning the dishes if you leave the sh*twork for me.
    #1, takes the cake, most awful of all time horrible pet peeve – Hubby likes to eat fruit in the living room. He doesn’t want to “waste” a plate so he just eats it out of his hand. Then he finds himself stuck with an apple stem, a banana peel, or a peach pit. So what does he do? Does he get up and throw it away? Of course not! He leaves it lying around on or even in the furniture. And he NEVER EVER gets around to cleaning it up. Next day or next week I am in the living room and wondering why it smells like rotten bananas, or I reach into the shelf on the coffee table to grab the remote and pull out… what is that thing… a peach pit covered in mold?! It is SO gross!
    Ah, thank you, that was therapeutic!

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