Conversations ~ A Post in Four Movements

Before the music, a brief Public Service Announcement: Sock It to Me buddies were emailed on Wednesday. If you didn't receive your match, please email me! Now back to your regularly scheduled program:

I. Fanfare ~ Ride of the ValKyra

Kyra: Mommy, there are some boys out there and they keep bothering us. They're especially bothering my friend. But the Boys and I are going to defend her and not let them pick on her. We're going to use your your "Motherhood" skills.

Me: Motherhood skills? What, exactly, are those?

Kyra: It's what you taught us.

Me: Which is…?

Kyra: Honestyyyyy, and bravery.

Me: Carry on, you fearless Valkyrie, you.

II.  Dirge of the Bridesmaid ~ largo patetico*

*phone call*

Me: Hello?

Candice (sister-in-law): Hey, Moxie! Okay, I talked to Brittney about the bridesmaids gowns. She gave me the style number, so I went to David's Bridal to see it and to find out when the best time would be for us to go for our fitting.

Me: Oh, hell. How bad is it? What does it look like?

Candice: Well, it's strapless…

Me: Oh, shit.

Candice: …and it's long, and kind-of wraps to the side and has like, rhinestones or something going down the side.

Me: Dangit. I was hoping that she'd take my plus-sizedness into consideration and choose something flowy and with a bit more support. I have The Pudge. The backs of arms have built-in water wings. Strapless, long gowns are my worst nightmare.  My boobs are huge and I'm clumsy. I can just envision myself walking down the aisle, stepping on the front of my dress, thereby yanking it down and causing me to flash the whole church. AMEN!

Candice: I haven't told you the best part yet.

Me: Oh, no.

Candice: They're clover green.

Me: Great. Just call me a booger and pick me.

*musically-speaking, "very slow and with great emotion. In my case, it means "large and pathetic"


III. Danse of the Masculine ~ allegro non troppo

Me: Lotion up those knees, buddy, because you're gonna dance me a jig.

Frank: Saywhatsayhuh?

Me:  You'll be dancing. In your drawers.

Frank: I guess that means you raised $350.

Me: Damned right, we did. NOW SHAKE IT, MR. BLACK MAN, SHAKE IT!

Frank: Remind me again why I married you?

Me: Don't front; you know you love me.

Frank: I wouldn't do it if I didn't! And there's always paybacks….

Me: Oh, shit.


IV. Magic Incantations ~ allegro brillante

*Skype chat with Miss W, my intended mother*

Miss W: I have a question for you.

Me: k

Miss W: Do you think Hagrid is infertile?

Me: Hagrid as in Harry Potter Hagrid?

Miss W: Yes, that Hagrid. And isn't it sad? He works with children, uses (scary) animals as surrogate children…

Me: hmm…

Miss W: I mean…ok, if you cross species, say a horse and a donkey — infertile mule. A lion and a tiger — infertile liger. So a giant and a human…

Me: I wouldn't think so. I think that in the scope of the books, he didn't get the chance to have kids. I always imagined that after the big battle at Hogwarts, he and the Beaubatons' headmistress (whatever her name was) hooked up, got married, and had little giant babies, lol.

Miss W: I think Madame Maxine is the only person he could have ever married.

Me: yup

Miss W: Because um…I think he would have killed a human female if he had sex with her.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Miss W: Now my next question…

Me: well, maybe a muggle female. maybe a magic female could have magic wanded her vag: "VAGINUS MAXIMUS!"

Miss W: See, now you are going in the right direction with my next question. Hagrid's dad was a wizard. His mom a giant. HOW THE HELL DID THAT WORK?

Me: HAHAHAHAHA

Miss W: I mean, I suppose it's much better than the other way around. 

Me: ERECTUS PENIUS MAXIMUS!

Miss W: OMG — that is exactly what I thought! Some kind of engorgement charm. Otherwise? I think he was just off by himself wanking somewhere when a giantess picked him up and inserted him tampon style.

Me: I am seriously losing my shit laughing over here. HILARIOUS.

Miss W: haha

Me: I am sooooooooooooo blogging this.

17 Comments

  1. Beautiful Mess on January 29, 2010 at 3:54 am

    AHAHAHAH! THIS WHOLE THING CRACKED ME UP!!!! cant wait to see frank shake IT ;o) congrats on raising all that cizash!
    *HUGS*



  2. Cindy on January 29, 2010 at 5:47 am

    *snort*..if I could actually laugh out loud at 5am, I would do it for this….



  3. GeekByMarriage on January 29, 2010 at 8:39 am

    Oh jeeze woman! Now I can see that you and Miss W are a perfect match LMFAO!



  4. a on January 29, 2010 at 9:28 am

    I agree, you and Miss W are great together!
    By the way, boogers are generally more of a chartreuse color…clover green would be more…leprechaun-like. I hope she picks some nice matching hats! Please post pictures! (but, the wrapping to the side thing is slimming, so you may look better than you think)
    Can’t wait to see Frank’s dance!
    Hooray for Kyra! Does she run the show for el Cinco?



  5. Megan on January 29, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Ah, what a lovely way to start my day! Thanks for the laughs, Moxie!



  6. kimbosue on January 29, 2010 at 11:26 am

    HAHAHA! “Motherhood skills.” Can’t wait to see Frank shake the booty!



  7. Sue on January 29, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    You are my hero!! Thank you for this!



  8. Meggo on January 29, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    All of them were hilarious, but that last convo, I totally dug! I have thought the SAME things about Hagrid and Hagrid’s parents 😛



  9. Carrie Holmquist on January 30, 2010 at 12:36 am

    When I got married, I had my large chested sister and pregnant friend come with me. I wanted them to feel the most comfortable. Maybe you can get a shawl???
    The last conversation – OMG!



  10. FullPlateMom on January 30, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    I’m glad I’m not the only perverted mind out there (in regards to the Hagrid conversation), I have thought of the exact same things.



  11. Wishing4One on January 31, 2010 at 5:51 am

    OMG girl… I laughed my ass off at everything except the Harry Potter one. I have no clue. I tried to watch the very first movie, could not do it. Don’t hate k?



  12. Melody on February 1, 2010 at 11:06 am

    This is how fan fic is born.



  13. Amber on February 2, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    Oh how I’ve missed you. How could I have been gone so long???
    (For the record, I always imagined Hagrid’s dad just jumped inside and got to work. No, really.)



  14. Trish on February 3, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    Oh my gosh, I am laughing so hard I’m almost crying at the Harry Potter conversation!



  15. Kristin on February 5, 2010 at 10:53 am

    OMG, I seriously love you and Miss W. Y’all made me laugh so hard I was crying and you sent Marty screaming from the room.



  16. Another Dreamer on February 6, 2010 at 1:10 am

    LMAO! What interesting conversations 🙂 Kristin shared the Hagrid one on her blog… I am glad I’m not the only one who wonders about that 😉



  17. mrs spock on February 6, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    You and Miss W crack me the fuck up.