Before the music, a brief Public Service Announcement: Sock It to Me buddies were emailed on Wednesday. If you didn't receive your match, please email me! Now back to your regularly scheduled program:
I. Fanfare ~ Ride of the ValKyra
Kyra: Mommy, there are some boys out there and they keep bothering us. They're especially bothering my friend. But the Boys and I are going to defend her and not let them pick on her. We're going to use your your "Motherhood" skills.
Me: Motherhood skills? What, exactly, are those?
Kyra: It's what you taught us.
Me: Which is…?
Kyra: Honestyyyyy, and bravery.
Me: Carry on, you fearless Valkyrie, you.
II. Dirge of the Bridesmaid ~ largo patetico*
Candice (sister-in-law): Hey, Moxie! Okay, I talked to Brittney about the bridesmaids gowns. She gave me the style number, so I went to David's Bridal to see it and to find out when the best time would be for us to go for our fitting.
Me: Oh, hell. How bad is it? What does it look like?
Candice: Well, it's strapless…
Me: Oh, shit.
Candice: …and it's long, and kind-of wraps to the side and has like, rhinestones or something going down the side.
Me: Dangit. I was hoping that she'd take my plus-sizedness into consideration and choose something flowy and with a bit more support. I have The Pudge. The backs of arms have built-in water wings. Strapless, long gowns are my worst nightmare. My boobs are huge and I'm clumsy. I can just envision myself walking down the aisle, stepping on the front of my dress, thereby yanking it down and causing me to flash the whole church. AMEN!
Candice: I haven't told you the best part yet.
Me: Oh, no.
Candice: They're clover green.
Me: Great. Just call me a booger and pick me.
*musically-speaking, "very slow and with great emotion. In my case, it means "large and pathetic"
III. Danse of the Masculine ~ allegro non troppo
Me: Lotion up those knees, buddy, because you're gonna dance me a jig.
Me: You'll be dancing. In your drawers.
Frank: I guess that means you raised $350.
Me: Damned right, we did. NOW SHAKE IT, MR. BLACK MAN, SHAKE IT!
Frank: Remind me again why I married you?
Me: Don't front; you know you love me.
Frank: I wouldn't do it if I didn't! And there's always paybacks….
Me: Oh, shit.
IV. Magic Incantations ~ allegro brillante
*Skype chat with Miss W, my intended mother*
Miss W: I have a question for you.
Miss W: Do you think Hagrid is infertile?
Me: Hagrid as in Harry Potter Hagrid?
Miss W: Yes, that Hagrid. And isn't it sad? He works with children, uses (scary) animals as surrogate children…
Miss W: I mean…ok, if you cross species, say a horse and a donkey — infertile mule. A lion and a tiger — infertile liger. So a giant and a human…
Me: I wouldn't think so. I think that in the scope of the books, he didn't get the chance to have kids. I always imagined that after the big battle at Hogwarts, he and the Beaubatons' headmistress (whatever her name was) hooked up, got married, and had little giant babies, lol.
Miss W: I think Madame Maxine is the only person he could have ever married.
Miss W: Because um…I think he would have killed a human female if he had sex with her.
Miss W: Now my next question…
Me: well, maybe a muggle female. maybe a magic female could have magic wanded her vag: "VAGINUS MAXIMUS!"
Miss W: See, now you are going in the right direction with my next question. Hagrid's dad was a wizard. His mom a giant. HOW THE HELL DID THAT WORK?
Miss W: I mean, I suppose it's much better than the other way around.
Me: ERECTUS PENIUS MAXIMUS!
Miss W: OMG — that is exactly what I thought! Some kind of engorgement charm. Otherwise? I think he was just off by himself wanking somewhere when a giantess picked him up and inserted him tampon style.
Me: I am seriously losing my shit laughing over here. HILARIOUS.
Miss W: haha
Me: I am sooooooooooooo blogging this.