Conversations ~ A Post in Four Movements

Before the music, a brief Public Service Announcement: Sock It to Me buddies were emailed on Wednesday. If you didn't receive your match, please email me! Now back to your regularly scheduled program:

I. Fanfare ~ Ride of the ValKyra

Kyra: Mommy, there are some boys out there and they keep bothering us. They're especially bothering my friend. But the Boys and I are going to defend her and not let them pick on her. We're going to use your your "Motherhood" skills.

Me: Motherhood skills? What, exactly, are those?

Kyra: It's what you taught us.

Me: Which is…?

Kyra: Honestyyyyy, and bravery.

Me: Carry on, you fearless Valkyrie, you.

II.  Dirge of the Bridesmaid ~ largo patetico*

*phone call*

Me: Hello?

Candice (sister-in-law): Hey, Moxie! Okay, I talked to Brittney about the bridesmaids gowns. She gave me the style number, so I went to David's Bridal to see it and to find out when the best time would be for us to go for our fitting.

Me: Oh, hell. How bad is it? What does it look like?

Candice: Well, it's strapless…

Me: Oh, shit.

Candice: …and it's long, and kind-of wraps to the side and has like, rhinestones or something going down the side.

Me: Dangit. I was hoping that she'd take my plus-sizedness into consideration and choose something flowy and with a bit more support. I have The Pudge. The backs of arms have built-in water wings. Strapless, long gowns are my worst nightmare.  My boobs are huge and I'm clumsy. I can just envision myself walking down the aisle, stepping on the front of my dress, thereby yanking it down and causing me to flash the whole church. AMEN!

Candice: I haven't told you the best part yet.

Me: Oh, no.

Candice: They're clover green.

Me: Great. Just call me a booger and pick me.

*musically-speaking, "very slow and with great emotion. In my case, it means "large and pathetic"

III. Danse of the Masculine ~ allegro non troppo

Me: Lotion up those knees, buddy, because you're gonna dance me a jig.

Frank: Saywhatsayhuh?

Me:  You'll be dancing. In your drawers.

Frank: I guess that means you raised $350.

Me: Damned right, we did. NOW SHAKE IT, MR. BLACK MAN, SHAKE IT!

Frank: Remind me again why I married you?

Me: Don't front; you know you love me.

Frank: I wouldn't do it if I didn't! And there's always paybacks….

Me: Oh, shit.

IV. Magic Incantations ~ allegro brillante

*Skype chat with Miss W, my intended mother*

Miss W: I have a question for you.

Me: k

Miss W: Do you think Hagrid is infertile?

Me: Hagrid as in Harry Potter Hagrid?

Miss W: Yes, that Hagrid. And isn't it sad? He works with children, uses (scary) animals as surrogate children…

Me: hmm…

Miss W: I mean…ok, if you cross species, say a horse and a donkey — infertile mule. A lion and a tiger — infertile liger. So a giant and a human…

Me: I wouldn't think so. I think that in the scope of the books, he didn't get the chance to have kids. I always imagined that after the big battle at Hogwarts, he and the Beaubatons' headmistress (whatever her name was) hooked up, got married, and had little giant babies, lol.

Miss W: I think Madame Maxine is the only person he could have ever married.

Me: yup

Miss W: Because um…I think he would have killed a human female if he had sex with her.


Miss W: Now my next question…

Me: well, maybe a muggle female. maybe a magic female could have magic wanded her vag: "VAGINUS MAXIMUS!"

Miss W: See, now you are going in the right direction with my next question. Hagrid's dad was a wizard. His mom a giant. HOW THE HELL DID THAT WORK?


Miss W: I mean, I suppose it's much better than the other way around. 


Miss W: OMG — that is exactly what I thought! Some kind of engorgement charm. Otherwise? I think he was just off by himself wanking somewhere when a giantess picked him up and inserted him tampon style.

Me: I am seriously losing my shit laughing over here. HILARIOUS.

Miss W: haha

Me: I am sooooooooooooo blogging this.

17 thoughts on “Conversations ~ A Post in Four Movements”

  1. I agree, you and Miss W are great together!
    By the way, boogers are generally more of a chartreuse color…clover green would be more…leprechaun-like. I hope she picks some nice matching hats! Please post pictures! (but, the wrapping to the side thing is slimming, so you may look better than you think)
    Can’t wait to see Frank’s dance!
    Hooray for Kyra! Does she run the show for el Cinco?

  2. All of them were hilarious, but that last convo, I totally dug! I have thought the SAME things about Hagrid and Hagrid’s parents ๐Ÿ˜›

  3. When I got married, I had my large chested sister and pregnant friend come with me. I wanted them to feel the most comfortable. Maybe you can get a shawl???
    The last conversation – OMG!

  4. OMG girl… I laughed my ass off at everything except the Harry Potter one. I have no clue. I tried to watch the very first movie, could not do it. Don’t hate k?

  5. Oh how I’ve missed you. How could I have been gone so long???
    (For the record, I always imagined Hagrid’s dad just jumped inside and got to work. No, really.)

Comments are closed.