Mythical Creatures Be Damned

Somewhere over the past couple of years, I lost it. I can't tell if it was all of the sudden or if I lost little grains along the way like sand from a dune. All I know is I woke up one day and realized it was gone.

There is an inherent quality in surrogates which is composed of cotton candy rainbows and shiny pennies. The intended parents usually ride into surrogacy on a potholed, broken road and carrying heavy, tattered baggage. The surrogate flits in on a sparkled moonbeam carrying a bagful of babydust.

Often, the surrogate can view the journey from angles that some intended parents cannot. When cycling, the surrogate can begin imagining what it will be like to see the intended parents with their baby. The intended parents might not be able to see past the retrieval. The surrogate might feel nothing but excitement and joy with each injection, ultrasound, and blood test. While still feeling a sense of excitement, the intended parents might also feel a sense of dread and foreboding with each follicle scan or trip to the little room with the plastic cup in hand. The surrogate: sunshine and glitter. The intended parents: where there is sunshine, there are shadows, and as festive as it is, glitter can sometimes make an awful mess of things.

As a surrogate after infertility, despite all of my sarcasm and eye-rolling, there was still a large part of me that could gallivant gleefully into a cycle with the fundamental belief that everything would work out. Maybe not with that cycle in particular, but eventually. What is the point of being a surrogate if somewhere inside, there is a fiber that resolutely believes that things wouldn't eventually work out? Though I could dump the infertile vet pessimism out of my system here on my blog, there was another part of me that could go to Surrogate Mothers Online and join a cycling group and vote on ridiculously cutesy names like "March Lucky Charms" or "October Boo Bellies." I could follow everyone's cycle updates and later, view the pictures of other people's darkening positives and doubling betas and first ultrasound pictures as I waited for my own.

But then mine never came.

By the time I got around to my last cycle last April/May, I couldn't bring myself to post about my cycle or even read about others' cycles on SMO. It was all too…fertile. Too positive, in nearly every sense of the word.

Screw the sparkles; I needed snark.

I didn't want to hear the chipper You'll get 'em next time, Tiger condolences of SMO when my betas tanked. I preferred to hole up here where I could get the This fuckin' sucks sweaty donkey balls that I needed. 

And for a long while after, on SMO there were too many reminders of what I couldn't seem to accomplish for me to be able to tolerate being there any longer to keep up with my moderating duties. I didn't read the Cycling & 2WW forum, wouldn't read birth stories, and couldn't read anything in between. Meet Moxie, the infertile infertile-surrogate. No glittered moonbeams and babydust here to see; move along to a newbie or to a lucky one who who (thankfully) doesn't know any better yet.

Somewhere in the past few months I had the revelation that all which is actually fun about being a surrogate is wrapped up in those colorful iridescent bubbles of positivity, and I'd lost my ability to see in anything other than black and white. Cycles would either work or they wouldn't, and fun doesn't come between Points A and B. Fun would come later when I knew there was something to be tenuously happy about.

It's only been the past week or so that I realized I was still healing. Is that how healing goes? You think you're all patched up, then you don't realize that you were still feeling a draft until after some other hole has closed and all of the sudden you remember what warmth really feels like?

Because as much as I thought I was looking forward to cycling again with Miss W, it's only been in the past couple of weeks that I've found myself blissfully imagining doing some of the wacky surrogate/intended mother stuff that I always look forward to, like designing matching shirts and looking for crazy socks to wear to our transfer. I'm looking forward to posting tandem surrogate/IM update posts on SMO. It's beginning to feel like cupcakes and lollipops again.

I think it's called hope.

It feels good to be back. Let the sparkled moonbeams come.

Only this time, no fucking unicorns. 

the SMO signature I made for Miss W:
Missw siggy
See what others are Showing and Telling with Mel.

*******

Within the next few days, I'll have some information to share about what should be some MAJOR positive press on surrogacy.

Relevant to the point above, there might also be some future opportunities for me to share my views on surrogacy in a much broader public light.

Stay tuned.

*******

Tomorrow. Iz maibirfdai.

41 Comments

  1. Quiet Dreams on February 10, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    Happy Birfday to you. Early.
    I love when you said: “Is that how healing goes? You think you’re all patched up, then you don’t realize that you were still feeling a draft until after some other hole has closed and all of the sudden you remember what warmth really feels like?”
    It reminded me of when I finally got my thyroid under control a few years ago. Like, Oh! This is what I’m SUPPOSED to feel like.



  2. Miss W on February 10, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    To be fair… I’m absolutely terrified of the cycling part. Scared to death of everything leading up to the start of the 2nd trimester actually. So I focus on the things that don’t scare me. The 20 week ultrasound…the baby shower…the time we’ll spend together at the birth…the visits that I hope we’ll have for years after.



  3. Bionic Brooklynite on February 10, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    there’s a lot of wow about that post…but i can’t think of much that’s more eloquent than wow and think you for writing it.
    oh, and
    HIPPO BIRDIE TWO EWE!
    and thanks for teh marmots. and omg that whole site…. like monty python for the interblags!
    xo



  4. a on February 10, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    Wow just about sums it up!
    You and Mr & Miss W will be kicking some ass!
    And, Happy Birthday!



  5. Iambrowneyedgirl.wordpress.com on February 10, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    Happy birfday pretty lady!



  6. Lavender Luz on February 10, 2010 at 11:01 pm

    Happy birthday, Miss Moxie!
    Can’t wait to find out what you’ve got brewing!



  7. Baby Smiling In Back Seat on February 11, 2010 at 12:42 am

    Happy Happy Birthday!
    So glad you’ve found your sparkle again.



  8. Sara on February 11, 2010 at 12:50 am

    Happy Birfday to Yoo!!!
    I’ve always kind of hated unicorns.



  9. Mina on February 11, 2010 at 3:06 am

    Happy birfdai ta ya,
    Happy birfdai ta ya,
    Happy birfdai, dear Smart One,
    And onleh glitter in ya laif!



  10. Manapan on February 11, 2010 at 3:51 am

    Happzy birfdai!!



  11. Wishing4One on February 11, 2010 at 6:35 am

    Happy happy happy birhday Moxie. Another “wow” post, you are so deep man, deep. Love ya! xoxo



  12. SCY on February 11, 2010 at 7:41 am

    Happy Birthday Unicornus Decemus! And here’s to having regained some of the joy in what you do for others – you are so loved and appreciated by many for what you do.
    Go Smart One Go!
    xxx



  13. Kristin on February 11, 2010 at 8:46 am

    Hippo Birdie 2 Ewe
    Hippo Birdie 2 Ewe
    Hippo Birdie deer Moxie
    Hippo Birdie 2 Ewe



  14. Kristin on February 11, 2010 at 8:46 am

    And, I’m really glad happiness came back.



  15. Melissa on February 11, 2010 at 9:43 am

    **Happy Birthday!!**
    And seriously, I think you described healing/pain/hope perfectly!!!
    After the worst year ever cascading into a new year of shit I thought I was dealing with everything. I thought I was okay. It wasn’t until a few months later that I realized that I was numb as fuck and ignoring everything related to the craptastic year.
    Wootie woot woot for Hope and for you. You’re fucking fantastic and I’m glad to see the sun shining through the clouds again. πŸ˜‰
    also-thank you for your comment/post about Met. I’ve read that on other people’s blogs about doing the south beach diet.



  16. Megan on February 11, 2010 at 9:48 am

    May you beat the crap out of that unicorn!
    Happy birthday, yo!



  17. Nishkanu on February 11, 2010 at 10:26 am

    Happy birthday, Moxie! Looks like the universe has brought you a present.



  18. leanne on February 11, 2010 at 11:24 am

    What you said about healing… oh, yes.
    Happy Birthday!!



  19. niobe on February 11, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Within the next few days, I’ll have some information to share about what should be some MAJOR positive press on surrogacy.
    Relevant to the point above, there might also be some future opportunities for me to share my views on surrogacy in a much broader public light.

    Can’t wait to hear all about it!
    Happy birthday! And do we get to see pictures of your tasty cake?



  20. My Reality on February 11, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    Happy Birthday Moxie!



  21. Terry Elisabeth on February 11, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    I loved your post !! It really speaks to me with all those sparkles, rainbows and then shadows and shades of grey.
    And looks like it’s your birthday ! Happy Birthdaaay !!



  22. Pam on February 11, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    Happy Birthday my friend! I’m sending you a virtual birthday cake! Wish I could send the real thing.
    I’m glad you’re finding the sparkles and sunshine again.



  23. Calliope on February 11, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY you foxy, foxy woman!!
    & you sharing your views on surrogacy with more people?? YES PLEASE. yes yes yes!!!



  24. Cindy on February 11, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    Happy Birthday! You’re awesome. πŸ™‚



  25. Sunny on February 11, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    Happy birthday!!! All the cool people are born today. Totally. πŸ™‚
    Don’t take this the wrong way, but I can’t believe you are only 2 years older than me. You are wise beyond your years — you’ve lived a lot of things and speak/write about them so well. Wishing you all the best that 32 has to offer!



  26. Fertility Chick on February 11, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    Happy Birthday to one hell of a woman! I can’t wait to read your upcoming post. I am definitely staying tuned!



  27. staciet on February 11, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Happy, Happy Birthday! Hope you have…well had at this point…a wonderful day!



  28. mekate on February 11, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    Happy Birthday! Me too (though much older, alas)!
    and you, wow, what an amazing post. See, this is why I come here, you are not all gratuitous/fatuous baby dust and flowers, and I always love reading what you have to say.
    I think sometimes healing is cyclic, we heal over, and come back around and revisit when we think we’ve moved on– and we have, we’ve changed “since then”, but that does not mean we’re still not in the midst of healing.
    I love hope, I love happy. And when either or both return, I can almost hear the angels singing.
    Warm wishes to you,
    Kate



  29. susy on February 12, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Happy Birthday to you! Love this post about healing and how it goes. Excited to hear more and to see what’s to come! and super cool siggy you made!



  30. coffeegrl on February 12, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    Happy birthday! And I’m sort of glad that you’re not always sunshine and rainbows – only because it makes it easier for me to relate. How selfish is that??? But I AM super glad that you’re on the upswing again and feeling sassy!



  31. Bonnie on February 13, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! @#$% those unicorns!!!
    Also – I was wondering if you met my friend Meg over at http://noovenforthebun.blogspot.com/ . I sent her your link for guidance in the surrogacy process.



  32. luna on February 13, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    ack! happy belated birthday to you!!!!!!!!!!!!
    what did frank make?
    glad to hear you got your juju back.



  33. k77 on February 15, 2010 at 5:45 am

    I have to tell you that I read “cotton candy rainbows and shiny pennies” as SHINY PENISES.
    Happy birthday!



  34. Fran on February 18, 2010 at 4:24 am

    Hi Kim, can you give me your email? Fran



  35. A Very Sad IM on February 19, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    I love your blog. I love this post. I wish you a happy birthday. I am glad you’re feeling healed and strong. I hope I can find my sparkle again soon.
    It helps me to believe surrogacy can be such a positive thing. It’s also painful to realize that my journey could have been so different if I had had a surro like you.
    I wish you the best in your new journey.



  36. A Very Sad IM on February 19, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    P.S. If anyone knows any other IM that has been through the surro keeping the baby, I would be grateful to connect with them.



  37. anymommy on February 20, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Happy birthday. Oh how I’ve missed you. (Which is totally my fault, I’ve been buried and reading, but not commenting.) I am so glad for you, for this post, for a new beginning.



  38. sara on February 21, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    Happy Birthday….I took a break but am so glad to be back in the swing of things…missed you!



  39. Astral on February 23, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    Happy Belated Birthday! I hope it was wonderful πŸ˜‰



  40. Calliope on March 3, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    um. hi.
    It’s March.
    Where the FRACK are you?????
    missing you…



  41. Julie on March 13, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    Hey, lady, where are you?
    I hope everything’s okay.