1. Drink something at least 30 minutes before your appointment. It sucks to have to pee under pressure and not be able to produce more than a dribble. Been there. Done that.
2. If they ask you to, write your name on the specimen cup with the wax pencil or Sharpie that they leave for you. Do this now. I mean it.
3. Wash your hands before dropping trou.
4. Drop trou.
5. Use one of those sani-wipe things to um…wipe yourself.
6. Cop a squat.
7. Release just a little pee into le toilette. Stop the flow. Position the cup so that the pee hits nothing but the inside of said cup.
8. Stop the flow after you've left an ample sample, but before you overflow. Move the cup out of the way, then continue peeing into the toilet if you have to.
9. Did you skip number 2? Good luck writing your name on the cup now. I told you to do it seven steps ago.
10. Sit the cup down on the top of the toilet paper dispenser, the little table with the complimentary pads and tampons, or whatever other flat surface you can find.
11. Raise trou.
12. Did you overflow? Be kind to your nurses. Grab some paper towels and wipe down the outside of the cup. You probably squicked yourself out a bit when you felt your own warm pee hit the back of your hand. Imagine how your nurse would feel if she were to pick up your cup and feel your cold, wet pee. Gross out. And while we're on the topic of overflows, check the location of where you sat down your cup. Did you leave a ring of pee behind? If you did, please be so kind as to wipe it up. The person who comes in after you will know that it's not condensation from an absent water glass.
13. Place your cup in the spinny thingy in the wall or leave it wherever they told you to.
14. Wash your hands again.
15. Applaud yourself on a job well done.
Today's visit to my OB served two purposes. First, it was time for my yearly visit, anyway (Dr. Sleepy did my yearly check up last year). Secondly, I got my OB caught up on the new surrogacy attempt and explained why I needed the referal to the MFM. Check and check. However, before meeting with him, I fumbled the Sharpie and damn near dropped it in the toilet, misaimed, had an overflow because I drank too much water on the way to the office and hadda go bafroom REAL BAD by the time I got there, had to dry off the outside of the cup, left a pee ring on the top of the TP dispenser and then noticed three other rings that weren't mine, (I wiped up my ring but left the others there because – GROSS stranger pee! and the only pee I clean up that isn't mine is my puppy's pee and my boy's battleweenie pee).
But I DID remember to write my name on the cup before dropping trou.
Please tell me that I'm not the only one who overthinks pee sample etiquette.
*With this title, I'm going to get all sorts of interesting search terms to land on my blog.