How to Properly Leave a Clean Catch Urine Baby Mple*

1. Drink something at least 30 minutes before your appointment. It sucks to have to pee under pressure and not be able to produce more than a dribble. Been there. Done that. 

2. If they ask you to, write your name on the specimen cup with the wax pencil or Sharpie that they leave for you. Do this now. I mean it.

3. Wash your hands before dropping trou.

4. Drop trou.

5. Use one of those sani-wipe things to um…wipe yourself.

6. Cop a squat. 

7. Release just a little pee into le toilette. Stop the flow. Position the cup so that the pee hits nothing but the inside of said cup.

8. Stop the flow after you've left an ample sample, but before you overflow. Move the cup out of the way, then continue peeing into the toilet if you have to. 

9. Did you skip number 2? Good luck writing your name on the cup now. I told you to do it seven steps ago. 

10. Sit the cup down on the top of the toilet paper dispenser, the little table with the complimentary pads and tampons, or whatever other flat surface you can find. 

11. Raise trou. 

12. Did you overflow? Be kind to your nurses. Grab some paper towels and wipe down the outside of the cup. You probably squicked yourself out a bit when you felt your own warm pee hit the back of your hand. Imagine how your nurse would feel if she were to pick up your cup and feel your cold, wet pee. Gross out. And while we're on the topic of overflows, check the location of where you sat down your cup. Did you leave a ring of pee behind? If you did, please be so kind as to wipe it up. The person who comes in after you will know that it's not condensation from an absent water glass. 

13. Place your cup in the spinny thingy in the wall or leave it wherever they told you to. 

14. Wash your hands again. 

15. Applaud yourself on a job well done. 

Today's visit to my OB served two purposes. First, it was time for my yearly visit, anyway (Dr. Sleepy did my yearly check up last year). Secondly, I got my OB caught up on the new surrogacy attempt and explained why I needed the referal to the MFM. Check and check. However, before meeting with him, I fumbled the Sharpie and damn near dropped it in the toilet, misaimed, had an overflow because I drank too much water on the way to the office and hadda go bafroom REAL BAD by the time I got there, had to dry off the outside of the cup, left a pee ring on the top of the TP dispenser and then noticed three other rings that weren't mine, (I wiped up my ring but left the others there because – GROSS stranger pee! and the only pee I clean up that isn't mine is my puppy's pee and my boy's battleweenie pee).

But I DID remember to write my name on the cup before dropping trou. 

~Applause~ 

Go, me!

Please tell me that I'm not the only one who overthinks pee sample etiquette. 

*With this title, I'm going to get all sorts of interesting search terms to land on my blog.

20 Comments

  1. Kara on July 27, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    I’m with you on this one; I even peel open the Sani-wipe before dropping trou. You know, so I have all my supplies at the ready.
    I hope the nurses handling the samples are wearing gloves but wiping the cup is still the proper way.
    Oh, and most tests only require drops of pee so I dump out any “excess” (in my mind anything over 1/2 a cup is excess). The threat of sloshing pee is not pleasant for the nurse/tech. (See, I told you I over thought pee sample etiquette!)



  2. stacie on July 27, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    That sounds a lot like my experiences. The one exception is I rarely overflow at the end because I can NEVER seem to make the pee into the damn cup in the first place. Why oh why do they make the openings so tiny? It is just plain mean, I tell you. By the time I am finished, I have only a dribble in the cup no matter how much I drink beforehand. Plus, I still have to wipe down the outside!
    Sigh.
    Keep checking these hurdles off your list. I can’t wait for your cycle to start!
    (Thanks for all the support, too. I am glad I am not the only peestickaholic on the web! 🙂 )



  3. Moxie on July 27, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    I am officially an idiot. “Dump out excess.” So simple, yet it never completely occurred to me to do so. I’m so focused on not leaving pee rings everywhere….
    Brilliant one you are, Kara.



  4. jo on July 28, 2010 at 12:53 am

    I still remember my hubby’s look of utter confusion the first time he and I both had to give a urine sample at the RE’s office. “How do you DO that?” he asked. He still thinks I’m brilliant because I can pee in a cup without physically taking a member in hand and aiming….LOL!



  5. Mrs. Gamgee on July 28, 2010 at 1:03 am

    Thank you so much for the giggle! I have often wondered about the author of the “how to collect” posters in my doctor’s bathroom. It must have been written by a man… because really, who else would assume that it’s just that easy.
    Oh and step 7 is always always the hardest for me! Stop?!? Ummm not happening. 🙂



  6. Kristin on July 28, 2010 at 1:14 am

    Thanks for the laugh hon.



  7. Bionic Baby Mama on July 28, 2010 at 8:12 am

    here’s how bad i am: at the freak-out new OB appt. Monday, i just pretended i didn’t see the poster about getting a clean sample. if anything especially fascinating shows up, i’m sure they’ll call….



  8. Quiet Dreams on July 28, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    I really needed this a couple of weeks ago when they were figuring out that my stomach pains were my appendix acting up.
    Um, I think I did everything wrong.
    But I DID clean up after myself and made sure the outside of the cup was clean. Eww.



  9. Dora on July 28, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    My tip is that if there are extra cups, instead of wiping the drips off the cup, I pour the sample into a fresh, clean cup.



  10. cheryllookingforward on July 29, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    I clean up other people’s pee rings. I’m afraid that someone will see me come out and they’ll assume all the pee rings are mine. Because I assume they all came from the person who came out before me.



  11. anymommy on July 31, 2010 at 1:08 am

    Excellent advice. I love watching you move another story forward.



  12. Erica on August 1, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Haven’t done a pee sample in awhile. You just brought back some great memories. Ewww stranger pee-rings.



  13. Alana-isms on August 2, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Catching up…
    –Giggling at your peeing-in-a-cup post. SO easy to relate to!
    –Loved your family reunion pics, how fun!
    –WAY COOL that you are matched again. YAY! 🙂



  14. Kara on August 2, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    Awwww, I fell so honored that you wrote back just to me! 😀
    But. . . I can not claim brilliance. I simply collect the samples at my volunteer job at a crisis pregnancy center and my pet peeve is overly filled sample cups. Thank you for the compliment though.



  15. Kara on August 2, 2010 at 9:19 pm

    Next tip: “edit before hitting post”.
    feel not fell



  16. sara on August 2, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    This is one of the best posts ever! I totally pee on my hand, no matter how many times I do this. You would think I would be an expert on this over the years. Heck we had to pee in a cup a few times during nursing school even and I have yet to perfect my aim. I am so excited for the new chapter in your journey. I am so excited for another update!



  17. My Bumpy Journey on August 8, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    I just love your posts. Good luck with cycling again!
    As a nurse I think your directions are SPOT ON! I would love print it out and hand it to my patients with said cup and wipe. Although we write on the cup when we give them it. We SHOULD have them do it. LOL!



  18. My Bumpy Journey on August 8, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    PS THANKS for reminding people to dribble some before. It cleans the pipes! So many people don’t do it, and so if they have a UTI the culture is void.



  19. Lynn on August 12, 2010 at 9:20 am

    Hahaha! I’ll have to remember this next time ;D Hope you’re doing great! We need to plan another get together for me, you and Alana. Got any time free later this month or the first of next?



  20. Jill on August 13, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    How ironic! I had the same experience just yesterday for my very first ever in my life prenatal appointment!! I thought of everything you said except the pee ring! (Oh and I did drop the first cup in the toilet right as I got into position.) I splashed all over the rim of the cup and beyond, so hopefully when I wiped all of that I got whatever would have made the ring too. I also didn’t have to write my name on it, unless I did and I totally missed that instruction. I actually peed as soon as I got there, before I even made it into the Dr.’s office. When the nurse asked if I could provide a sample I didn’t think I could, but what do ya know I had power pee again…already!!