Dirge of the Bridesmaid, Pt II

In January I briefly bemoaned my growing fear over being asked to participate in my brother-in-law's wedding. I've mentioned Frank's brother and his soon-to-be-bride here before. Now that Nineteen (who is actually 21 now, but let's keep rolling with her former pseudonym) is legally an adult, has graduated high school, and their baby boy is almost 18 months old, their next step is to get officially hitched. I give them lots of credit; they've been together for the past four years and while they both still smack of the stupidity that naturally comes along with young adulthood, they've matured a lot, have continued to grow closer together despite the challenges of unplanned parenthood, and are loving and stable parents. I'm quite proud of them, and I'm honored to be included in their wedding at the end of next month.

So why the fear, right?

Aside from the fact that we have to lug the entire family on a 10+ hour roard trip back to Frank's hometown in Louisiana, this is going to be one of the most ghetto-fab weddings known to man.

I was apprehensive in February when I went to be fitted for my gown. Strapless and long just didn't bode well for a woman of my broad-shouldered, chesty proportions and clumsy gait. And the color, dear frizzle, the color. For the love of Rainbow Brite. Of all the colors in the spectrum, Nineteen chose one of the most gawdawful shades of green that could possibly exist. I posted the pictures below to my Facebook back when I went for the original fitting. People said that I didn't look half as bad as I thought I did. Even though I've lost a bit more than 30 pounds since the fitting, I still feel like a linebacker for a football team called the Free Willy Whales in this dress:

Thumbs up  
                                                     I stuck up the wrong fingers.

I tried on my dress for the first time since losing the weight and I need to make an appointment to have it altered, because I put it on and it slipped right down to my knees. That should be good for the self-esteem but I still shudder each time I look into my closet and see it there staring at me through its protective plastic sheath.

Naturally, the groomsmen – Frank included – will be wearing matching "clover green" vests and ties, but I think I failed to mention that they will also being wearing white tuxes with long-tailed coats and shiny white shoes. Mmmhmm. Paired together, we will look like a matching 1up:
1up 
It does not help that whenever the topic of the wedding comes up for discussion, my sister Dani begins doop-dooping the theme to Super Mario Bros. Either that, or she starts singing "Under the Sea" from The Little Mermaid.

The ghetto fabulousness just doesn't end. There are eleven or twelve bridesmaids and groomsmen pairs, a maid of honor, a matron of honor, two best men, and two pairs of junior brides and grooms. I've known for a while that they plan to have everyone meet at a hotel a few hours before the wedding at which they've reserved a couple of rooms. The idea is that we'll all dress and primp together, which is not so unusual, I guess. The ghetto fab part comes in when you consider the conveyance that will be used to take the bridal party (at least the bridesmaids, from what I know) to the church. They've rented a giant white stretch Hummer limo…to take everyone two measly blocks down the street to the church. Seriously.

Then, I got really scared this Saturday when Nineteen called to let me know that she was having a meeting with her bridesmaids to discuss the details and that she would send me an email with an outline of the meeting, including a picture of the hairstyle she wants us to have. Knowing the so-so 'hood trend that things have taken thus far, I'm even more terrified of the hairstyle than I am of the dress. I stand a huge potential of suffering some serious workplace embarrassment. Given the fact that I plan on going to the stylist on Wednesday evening, attending work on Thursday, and then leaving with the family for Louisiana immediately afterward, everyone will see me in whatever style it is that Nineteen has chosen. I am not the type to make regular habit of going to get my "hurr did," so I'm sure that my 'do will not go unnoticed. I keep seeing visions of Nineteen choosing a hairstyle like this:

Ghetto 1
Or this:
Ghetto 1 
Or maybe even this:
Ghetto 1 

The email from Nineteen came last night. It seems as though the wedding hairstyle is still up for debate, so she didn't yet have a picture to include. However, she did send along the guidelines that she discussed with her bridesmaids at the meeting. I shit you not, folks; this is the actual cut and paste directly from my inbox:

                                         Wedding 2010 Bridesmaid Meeting

1. Everyone needs to try on their dress to make sure it doesn’t need alterations
2. Discuss hairstyles, everyone’s opinion is needed
3. Discuss shoes, must not be visible if their not silver
4. Jewelry…. I will provide, no additional accessories allowed accept ring, but limited
5. Everyone must be at LaQuinta Inn at 12:30, Please be on time
6. Everyone’s makeup must not be dramatic, no extreme colors
7. Shave your armpits please
8. Nails must have silver tips, toes silver or natural colors
9. Please do not come to the wedding high or drunk
10. We need volunteers to help set up on Friday Sept. 24 after 4pm

Oh, hell to the yes, I'm afraid. I fear being a part of any group that needs to be reminded to shave their pits and not to arrive at a wedding lit up. Don't even get me started on the silver-tipped fingernails. Maybe I should view them as a bit of a "silver" lining. At least then I'll be able to flip the bird with flair.  

Do tell: what is the most horrific wedding experience that you've been a part of, witnessed, or heard about?

29 Comments

  1. Stacie on August 17, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Oh gawd, this post was too f*cking funny for words. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh at your expense. Please tell us more as things unfold (unravel?), etc.



  2. Kristin on August 17, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Please, dear God, tell me you are planning on vlogging this ghetto fabulousness. You really, really must do that.



  3. Bionic Baby Mama on August 17, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    i require photo documentation of this event, or i will be forced to assume that you’re making it up.
    i’ve been to some silly weddings — like the one where the ring bearer was a cocker spaniel and the JP closed with “may the force be with you” — and i’ve been to some yucky weddings — the image of sugar’s vapid cousin, brilliantly lit for the video camera on a dolly that was the only other thing allowed on the dance floor, grinning stupidly while her husband rooted around under her skirt, attempting to remove her garter with his teeth will likely not leave me soon enough — but nothing to rival the sheer DAMN of this one.



  4. El Cinco's GranGran on August 17, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    OMG!!!!!!! Moxie are you serious? I mean for real????



  5. loribeth1961 on August 17, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Oh my gosh, I am sitting here in my cubicle, trying very hard not to roll off my chair & onto the floor with laughter.
    I’ve been to a few weddings that were sort of over the top. I thought I’d seen everything at some of my cousins’ backwoods country hall Ukrainian weddings, but that was until I met dh & started going to Italian weddings!! The very first Italian (Sicilian) wedding that dh took me to, before we were married, was my future SIL’s older brother’s in 1983. There were something like 8 bridesmaids, dressed in a bright FUSCHIA, flouncy, ruffled creation with matching veiled pancake hats. The cake base was a miniature gondola, & the cake itself was almost as tall as I was (several tiers), with little figurines representing the entire wedding party, & there was a punch fountain with a Cupid spouting the punch.
    Having seen this, I was rather leery when SIL asked me to be her matron of honour at her wedding to dh’s brother a few years later. I was, at 24, the oldest of the five bridesmaids, & the only “mangiacake” (non-Italian) in the bunch. Most of the other girls were still in high school, & let’s just say we had very different tastes. Our dresses were royal blue taffeta, tea length, with long puffed sleeves, a lowcut V in the back, with a big bow perched directly below it (& directly above our butts).
    But it could have been much, much worse — the other bridesmaids kept trying to “improve” the dress by suggesting we add sequins or rhinestones on the bodice (or, so help me, feathers in our hair). Thank God SIL went with my suggestion that a simple string of pearls would be a very classy look.
    Frankly, the dress doesn’t look THAT bad. I’ve seen worse! But you MUST provide updates!! WITH photos!!



  6. mrs spock on August 17, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    Utterly wetting my pants at the reminder to shave the pits for a strapless gown.
    I Once paid $130 for a horrific white tulle and green velvet monstrosity. Someone I know had a Disney themed wedding. And someone I know spent $250 for a horrible dress and $100 for matching tiara. All the bridesmaids wore tiaras. That’s a shitload of money for ugly.



  7. tash on August 17, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    Can I start an internet collection to get you NOT to shave your pits? And then for you to write about what ensues? Because I’m ALL about the comedy gold. PUHLEASE??
    (And the Mario Cart thing had me on. the. floor.)
    Well, there was the strapless gown where I could make the top move independently from the bottom. There was the one with 200 some people where they asked to write down wishes for the bride/groom and they then read every last fucking one of them in an unairconditioned church in August. There was the super religious one where they didn’t mention the bride, at all. Maybe once as an appendage. You would’ve thought the groom was marrying himself. There was the one where the girlfriend of the groom’s brother was a professional pole dancer. That was a fun reception.
    I’m sure I’m forgetting something . . .



  8. Pam on August 17, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    She’s telling you all how to do your hair? Shoes, sure. Makeup, yes (but it seems that she’s not controlling that), but your hair????
    V and I were downtown on the weekend having just been to the theatre and were killing time before we headed to our next destination. We were sitting outside City Hall just having something to eat (bad idea..won’t go there) and there was a wedding doing their pictures by the fountain, which is commonplace. We were sitting right by their limo so when they were done the bride and groom, their flower girl, and either one of their bridesmaids or the maid of honour (couldn’t tell which) came back to the car. I kid you not, the bride’s dress must have had 10 layers of tulle for the skirt..very princessy, but,and it’s a big BUT the bodice of the dress, it’s like she ran out of material. I don’t even know how to describe it. She had next to no boobs, but was wearing a boustier type top (if I spelled that right) but there wasn’t even fitting properly. Then there rest of it was like the designer had taken more tulle, and then just sewn in a pattern so basically, her top, except the boobs, was transparent. Gawdawfulugly.



  9. Melissa on August 17, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    this is going to be so flipping awesome!!
    The color doesn’t look that bad in the pictures?
    maybe you should use extreme make up to stand out?? or maybe she wouldn’t allow you to be in the wedding party then?



  10. Megan on August 17, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    Wow. Just wow. At least all the awfulness is amusing?
    The most horrific wedding experience that I’ve been a part of was my own wedding. We started the day with being locked out of the venue when it was time to set up, and I wrapped it up with a puke session. Also, there was plenty of disaster in the middle (too much for a comment… maybe I’ll write about it if I ever get back to telling the story of Jeff and me).
    It seemed traumatic at the time, but I got married, and it makes for a good story to tell.



  11. Kris on August 17, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    TOTALLY unrelated, but I’m moving to Louisiana in a week (Lake Charles) – please tell me this is not what I have to look forward to >.<



  12. Cyndigardner72 on August 17, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    Moxie, I am seriously crying. I agree with previous commenters, we must have more! I totally believe you by the way. I am from South Georgia. I understand ghetto-fab.



  13. Carrie Holmquist on August 17, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    I’m also a fan of raising money to get you to not shave pits, document the reaction with video and share.
    Way to go on the weight loss, wish I could say I’ve lost that much!



  14. erica rose on August 18, 2010 at 1:05 am

    Well, I think you look fantastic in that dress! But that list, wowzers! You could always get “food poisoning” the day of… just sayin.



  15. Half of a Duo, Raising a Duo on August 18, 2010 at 6:46 am

    Moxie the dress looks fabulous on you!
    I can’t wait to read more about this wedding… hoping that once summer ends I will be able to read and write again… I’ve been super busy w/the Duo…



  16. Jess on August 18, 2010 at 7:21 am

    Oh my lol I think this may be one of the “pearl clutching” weddings you hear about. My personal favorite was the don’t come drunk or high lol



  17. Jendeis on August 18, 2010 at 9:06 am

    The Mario theme is awesome! Is there any way to pay off the couples to sing it while they are going down the aisle?!
    I appreciated the reminder to not show up drunk or high, cause it’s nice to know when that sort of thing is expected.
    Hope you have silver shoes cause I don’t know how you’ll pull off invisible ones. Spooky.
    G-D bless you for this post – a needed laugh.



  18. Michelle on August 18, 2010 at 9:20 am

    I haven’t been in many weddings but..
    Wow.. her list of demands is Crazy!!
    I think you might want to break rule #9 and get drunk 🙂



  19. Quiet Dreams on August 18, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Speaking of that patience thing that I commented on previously, I think I will explode if I can’t see photos of the actual day! Oh em gee.
    And, um, yeah, you might want to show up a TINY bit lit up, in order to survive.



  20. Baby Smiling In Back Seat on August 18, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    This could only happen to you.
    The most horrific wedding experience I’ve witnessed was a priest who just couldn’t get the bride’s name right — and it’s a completely normal name, in fact probably the most common name for girls my age. He screwed it up so many times during the rehearsal that she burst into tears. He also got it wrong during the ceremony but she managed to hold it together.



  21. Erin on August 18, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    Damn, Kim. I am leaving LA much too soon. I have got to tell you I am grinning ear to ear. I like gawking at ll weddings, and especially sorry to miss this one.
    Safe travels. And you do look beautiful!



  22. Mlayne on August 18, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    I cannot believe she’s demanding you do your hair a certain way. I’m hoping this is to weed out crazy dos and not that she’s designing hair sculptures for each of you.
    The worst wedding I’ve ever been to was the one where my pagan cousin married his Catholic wife. No one knew he was pagan or that they’d had a handfasting a couple of months beforehand, but the priest spent the entire ceremony driving home that marriage is for procreative purposes only, that their future children were the only reason to get married in the first place, and that they were pretty much both going to hell if they didn’t manage to pull off conception on their wedding night.



  23. Sara on August 18, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!
    No, seriously
    Ba-ha!



  24. a on August 18, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    Well, I think you look very pretty in that color…but pairing it with a white tux? Whew! Wow! That’s what takes it off the rails! I do hope you get the guitar head hairstyle, ’cause that would be AWESOME!!!!
    It is very special that she has to remind her bridesmaids not to show up drunk or high.
    I hope you can get some video…and in addition to raising the money for the hairy armpits, you should also bring a truckload of champagne to the hotel…because she said not to show up drunk. She didn’t say anything about getting drunk once you’re there!



  25. Anna on August 19, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    This wedding sounds AWESOME!
    While the dress is an unfortunate color for a piece of clothing you look pretty in it, and the design suits you well. You won’t believe this but your shoulders do not look too large.
    My best wishes to the young couple!



  26. Shelli on August 23, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    OH Dear LORD, the things I miss when I’m on vacation.
    This post just nearly made me pee my pants. So, to comment on the color combination of the wedding party, I started to think of chocolate chip mint ice cream. I’m betting she loves that flavor, am I right?
    tee hee



  27. HopefulMommy2B on August 26, 2010 at 1:19 am

    K, this post absolutely had me on the floor laughing. I’m not sure whether I should comment on the color of the dress, the email saying to shave your arm pits and not show up drunk, or speculate what kind of hair you may end up with. Can’t wait to see the pics.
    But let me say this, you look FAB in the dress despite the color and a big congrats on losing the weight!!



  28. copper fittings on November 6, 2010 at 3:52 am

    It is very interesting,Thank you for sharing this to us! It sounds like an amazing & beautiful race (kinda wish I’d run it, too). Glad the weather held for you.



  29. Ask Me Some Questions… on April 17, 2012 at 9:17 am

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