Before the Beginning

It’s over. Everything. No more starting lines, no more waiting, no more hoping, no more hope.

I’m done. Retired. I can’t go through this shit anymore.

Today was the last repeat of the same tune:

Bad news. The sighs of resignation. Tears. Hugs. Goodbyes. A long drive home, during which there were many more tears and maybe a few curse words aimed at everything at once and nothing in particular.

While I hate to be cryptic in the here and now, all that really matters is what the bottom line and all the empty spaces in between boil down to:

infertility fucking sucks.

68 Comments

  1. Fertility Chick on August 31, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    I’m so sorry. IF sucks the big one. Thinking about you.



  2. mrs spock on August 31, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    Crap on toast.
    {Hugs}



  3. JJ on August 31, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    It does effin suck.
    Loads and loads of hugs.



  4. JessPond on August 31, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    I’m sorry.



  5. Bionic Baby Mama on August 31, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    fucker. i’m sorry.
    if i were a monkey, i would throw poo at this news.



  6. Dora on August 31, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    Damn! So sorry, hon.



  7. Baby Smiling In Back Seat on August 31, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Oh Moxie, I’m so sorry, for all of you.



  8. andrea on August 31, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    **hugs**



  9. Quiet Dreams on August 31, 2010 at 10:33 pm

    Ah, shit.
    A million and one hugs.



  10. N on August 31, 2010 at 10:55 pm

    CRAP.
    I’m so sorry. πŸ™



  11. Alexicographer on August 31, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    Oh no. I’m so sorry.



  12. Sue on August 31, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    I’m so sorry.



  13. Kristin on August 31, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck…it’s just not damned fair. I wish I could be there with you.



  14. Lori Lavender Luz on September 1, 2010 at 12:32 am

    {{{{Moxie}}}. My thoughts are with you and the IPs. Hugs, too.



  15. Shelli on September 1, 2010 at 7:44 am

    Moxie, dear lord what the hell happened?!?!?
    sigh. xo



  16. tash on September 1, 2010 at 8:05 am

    Moxie, I’m stunned and angry and just deeply sad with you and for you.
    It’s not how you wanted to go out, but my god you’ve done so much for yourself and others. I’m going to hang onto that for a while, now.



  17. Melissa on September 1, 2010 at 9:08 am

    Fuck. I’m sorry.



  18. a on September 1, 2010 at 9:32 am

    I’m so sorry…



  19. Cheryllookingforward on September 1, 2010 at 9:43 am

    I’m sorry Moxie, you wanted to do this so much. This sucks sucks sucks.



  20. Mel on September 1, 2010 at 9:45 am

    I am so incredibly sorry, sweetie.



  21. HereWeGoAJen on September 1, 2010 at 9:56 am

    I’m sorry.



  22. Sara on September 1, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Oh shit. I’m sorry, Moxie. It does totally suck. Suck suck suck suck. I’m with Bionic Baby Mama about the monkey poo. How heartbreaking.



  23. Jendeis on September 1, 2010 at 10:25 am

    I’m sorry sweetie. This blows.



  24. raising miles on September 1, 2010 at 10:40 am

    IF sucks big fat donkey balls!



  25. leanne on September 1, 2010 at 10:50 am

    My heart goes out to you and your IPs.
    Also, let me add: fuckity fuck.



  26. Pam on September 1, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    I’m sorry. πŸ™ Skype me if you want to bitch. Love you!



  27. brown-eyed-girl on September 1, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Oh no! That’s terrible news! I’m so sorry! *hugs*



  28. Antropologa on September 1, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    I can only imagine the disappointment. I’m sorry.
    But now you never have to ride the infertility roller coaster again.



  29. Megan on September 1, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    I felt like you were putting a lot on the line with this one, emotionally speaking. I was hoping so hard for everything to work out for them and for you. I’m so — oh, I don’t know what word to use — frustrated, disappointed, sad for you. I hope you can avoid despairing over this — you really should be proud of yourself for even trying — but whether you can or not, my thoughts are with you.



  30. Betty M on September 1, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Bollocks, just bollocks. I am so sorry.



  31. Karen aka Karensworld on September 1, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    I’m so sorry, Moxie…thinking of you!



  32. Trish K on September 1, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    The last line says it all! {{HUGS}} to you, and I’m so sorry! Also- I will continue to work on my hubby. It may not be this time, or even soon, but perhaps he will come around, given a little time. I figure I have a few more good years before I’m “too old”.



  33. My Reality on September 1, 2010 at 9:34 pm

    I am sorry, Moxie. Hope you are OK.



  34. Beautiful Mess on September 2, 2010 at 12:10 am

    Oh sweetie! I am so so SO sorry! My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and your IP’s. Please don’t beat yourself up too much. You are awesome, amazing, and totally cool!
    Love you!
    *HUGS*



  35. amanda on September 2, 2010 at 10:46 am

    I’m sorry. I’m sad for all of you.



  36. niobe on September 2, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Oh, Moxie. I’m so sorry about this. It’s so incredibly sad and unfair.



  37. coffeegrl on September 2, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    I’m just standing here sending you virtual hugs. I’m so very sorry.



  38. Erin on September 3, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    So sorry to hear that.



  39. luna on September 3, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    ugh, so sorry, kym, for all of you.
    not the way you wanted to go out, I’m sure, but I like what tash said and I’m going to hold on to that too.
    you are a superstar.



  40. stacie on September 5, 2010 at 12:48 am

    Oh, Moxie. I am so, so sorry. I am sending love and lots of hugs your way.
    IF does fucking suck.



  41. Lynn on September 5, 2010 at 10:50 am

    I’m so sorry, Moxie. IF just SUCKS for lack of any more eloquent way to put it!



  42. anymommy on September 5, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Moxie, you’re amazing and you’ve already kicked infertility in the balls over and over. It really, really sucks that you weren’t able to be a part of the solution for the last beautiful couples you tried to help, but it doesn’t take away from all you have done. Thinking of you.



  43. Barb on September 6, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    You’ve been amazing Moxie. I’m sorry.



  44. Mrs. Spit on September 7, 2010 at 12:23 am

    I’m sorry. If wishing and hoping and working your ass off made it so.



  45. Jennette on September 7, 2010 at 12:51 am

    I’m so sorry
    infertility DOES fucking suck
    my heart goes out to you all



  46. loribeth on September 7, 2010 at 8:41 am

    So sorry, Moxie. πŸ™ Sending (((hugs))) your way!



  47. Kristi on September 7, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    Damn you IF damn you.



  48. Sunny on September 8, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    Adding my voice to the pack — I’m sorry, it does suck, and you are truly an inspirational woman. ((hugs))



  49. CreoleInDC on September 8, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    Okay…so now I know why. Shit. Don’t you let this mess eat you alive as it’s easy to let it. No doubt about it infertility sucks but it ain’t everything. Call me if you want to cuss. No crying. I can’t deal with the crying but if you want to cuss using the raunchiest words known to man…I’m ya huckleberry.



  50. Kathy on September 9, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    Sending you lots of thoughts and prayers your way. (((HUGS)))



  51. Tarah on September 18, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Moxie – You’ve been on my mind a lot lately and I know your heartache. Infertility sucks a big fucking one and I’m so sorry that both of us have to hurt like this. I hate IF – but one good thing that has come out of it is my friendship with you.
    You’re wonderful and wise and beautiful and kind and caring… in my eyes you’re perfect and I love you.
    I’m here for you always.
    ♥ T



  52. chloe on September 26, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Oh, no. Sorry you’re not writing anymore. I love the theme of your blog.



  53. Bionic Baby Mama on October 12, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    hey kiddo. how you doing?
    xo



  54. Megan on November 2, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    Something made me think of you today… I can’t even remember what now, but I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. Wait. I remember. I was plucking a couple whiskers from my face and I remembered the story you told about you and your mom shaving together, and it made me smile. Anyway, I hope you’re feeling better and that you and yours are all happy and well and that you will write again sometime soon. Miss you!



  55. copper fittings on November 6, 2010 at 2:43 am

    It is very interesting,Thank you for sharing this to us! It sounds like an amazing & beautiful race (kinda wish I’d run it, too). Glad the weather held for you.



  56. copper fittings on November 6, 2010 at 2:58 am

    It is very interesting,Thank you for sharing this to us! It sounds like an amazing & beautiful race (kinda wish I’d run it, too). Glad the weather held for you.



  57. brass casting on November 11, 2010 at 12:07 am

    It is very interesting,Thank you for sharing this to us! It sounds like an amazing & beautiful race (kinda wish I’d run it, too). Glad the weather held for you.



  58. baby car seats on November 16, 2010 at 2:22 am

    It is very interesting,Thank you for sharing this to us! It sounds like an amazing & beautiful race (kinda wish I’d run it, too). Glad the weather held for you.



  59. Eva on November 17, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Yes. It does suck. I miss you. xo



  60. bronze casting on November 17, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    Adorable! Really perfect moment,That looks really good and yesss, I agree that would be good with some applesauce!Thank you for sharing this to us! It sounds like an amazing & beautiful race (kinda wish I’d run it, too). Glad the weather held for you.



  61. bronze casting on November 26, 2010 at 1:44 am

    It does not produce thumbnails. At least not with some WP installations. I wasted far too much time last night trying to get it to work. Others have brought this problem up with the developer and he is at a loss to figure out what it’s not working.



  62. Latashia on December 2, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Love you Moxie. YOu know how MUCH you mean to everyone and how fucking awesome you are….enuff said!



  63. My Bumpy Journey on January 12, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Hope you are doing okay! You have been so silent! Thinking about you!!!



  64. Jennette on January 16, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    I often think of you and wonder how you are doing. I miss you!



  65. El Cinco's GranGran on March 12, 2011 at 12:56 am

    I wish you would write again.



  66. Sara on March 12, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    Miss you, Moxie. I hope everything is going OK.



  67. 4D Ultrasounds on March 28, 2011 at 3:41 am

    i hope u will come out of pain
    be blessed