…and it's alright…


I've decided that I want to be Oprah when I grow up. Or Lady Gaga.

I have a very bad habit of sometimes turning my nose up at things that suddenly seem too trendy, as if I'm above joining a herd of mindless peoplesheep of the cliff of fashion and music, which is fairly stupid considering the facts that I will scream at you if you bother me while I watch America's Next Top Model and that I need music the way I need air. So when Lady Gaga hit the scene and the whole world went apeshit, I rolled my eyes and changed to a new station before I could hear her growl about bad romances and pokerfaces. I'd catch sight of her wackyass ensembles and wonder what the hell the big deal was without ever stopping long enough to find out.

Last weekend I sat down to watch HBO's premiere of Gaga's Monster Ball Tour, intending to only watch the first ten or so minutes, just long enough to self-righteously slap myself on the back for proving, once again, that I am sooo not a follower. But within the first five minutes, I found myself transfixed by the sight of her crying, her emotions just as bare as her naked, pre-Maybellined face. She was backstage preparing for the show — the sold-out crowd at Madison Square Gardens already beginning to scream for her — and she unexpectedly erupted into tears when someone asked how she felt about that night's upcoming performance. I expected some Miss-America-just-got-crowned type of crap, but what came out was anything but. She explained that sometimes she still feels like the loser, off-beat girl in high school, the one who no one understood and whose personality was so oddly shaped that it didn't fit into any typical niche, thereby making her the brunt of relentless teasing. Now that she's who she is, she fears that she'll be a disappointment, that she'll let everyone down for not being good enough. In blistering vulnerability, she explained about how she still feels like she's fighting against years of trying to prove that she's bigger than people's misunderstanding.

So there I found myself, feeling like an ass for being one of Them, and I watched the entire concert. I latched onto every lyric, was dazzled by the dance and the screaming and the story, and reflected the entire time on how if she, whose greatness and relevance is validated every day by record-breaking and fans and awards, can still somehow find moments of feeling less and unworthy of who she is, then I cannot feel wrong for sometimes feeling judged and unworthy and unproven. We all have our moments, whether short or long in duration, where we feel lost, broken, destroyed, or sometimes all three at once. "…I have to pick my shit up and tell myself I'm a rock star…,"  she said.

Now here I sit, writing this post while listening to my new Gaga playlist on blast. Because dammit, I'm a rock star, too.


*Oprah-fy yourself (and tell me if you do)

14 thoughts on “…and it's alright…”

  1. I think I am starting to feel old. When I read what you wrote about her crying, I thought “oh, that poor little girl.”
    Makes you feel like we should really be nice to everyone, if even rock stars feel like this?

  2. Damn straight you’re a rock star. I have to admit that I shake my head at her ensembles but I love her music.
    I spent the last few weeks religiously playing farmville so I could get the sneak peak of her cd.

  3. I cannot stand her attention-seeking behavior – but, damn, that girl sings some catchy tunes! Talented, yes. Over the edge, also yes. I mean, I’m sure much of it is insecurity-driven, but seriously – get some shoes you can walk in…by yourself. I’ll have to catch that show – maybe I’ll revise my opinion.

  4. You are totally Oprah-fied!
    It’s sad that someone with that much fame and power can feel so bad about themselves – particularly if that’s the kind of business/music/career that she thought she wanted. I mean I know money can’t buy happiness, but if you think music will make you happy and then, it does, but not enough, that’s sad. But I also think that’s true for so many of us in some aspect of our life.

  5. ha! I did the same thing- totally kind of avoided Gaga in the beginning because I felt like an old fart. But now I adore her!
    (& dude- Oprah WISHES she looked half as good as you!)

  6. My husband and I saw Lady Gaga in Vegas in March. She was awesome and she puts on a great show. I like how she uses her fame to bring awareness to charities. There seems to be very little pretense about her – except of course for all that pretense that’s part of being a pop star. It’s a deliberate show and she works it.

  7. Like you, I had never bought into all of the hype, until I saw her on SNL last weekend and was thoroughly impressed…

  8. I’m also glad you’re back to blogging (though it seems that I have taken your place in the hiatus room).
    And yes, you are a rock star. I am trying to remember that I am one, too.

  9. I have always resisted the Gaga, and switched my brain off whenever one of her songs came onto the radio. However she appeared on a talkshow here in the UK and I half-listened, expecting it to be rubbish, but it wasn’t. She said some interesting stuff, that she still goes to the places she used to go before she was famous. She doesn’t go out with security as she has good friends in this area and she knows how to go out without drawing too much attention to herself. What seems like the exact opposite to her on stage persona. By the end of the show I had a new respect for her, hell I thought she was great and showed she had real respect for her fans and realised that her success was based on them as much as her own talent.

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