I Showed that Tooth Extraction Who was Boss. Sort-of.

From what I remember:

1. Nurse A got me settled comfortably in the dental chair. She placed a blood pressure cuff around my left arm, then sat at a little desk to do some preliminary paperwork, asking me a few questions here and there.

2. While she did that, Nurse B got my IV started in the crook of my right elbow and taped the tubing in various points along my arm to keep it out of the way.

3. Nurse B said, “Okay, now I’m going to put a little something in your IV to calm you down a bit.” I felt it go to my head before she even withdrew the syringe.

4. Nurse A put the oxygen/happy gas nasal cannula thingy in my nostrils and tucked the extra length of the tubing behind my ears. Then she pulled out a spongy black squarish thingy and asked me to open my mouth. She wedged it between my upper and lower teeth and explained that it would help prop my mouth open.

5. I think maybe by then I had entered grinning idiot mode, because I almost remember saying something like, “OooooohweeethisisgoodstuffImmatakeanaaaaaap.” I have vague memories of wondering to myself if I was drooling out the right side of my mouth and not really giving a damn if I was. Someone giggled and patted me on my shoulder.

6. I sat down in the car. Actually, “sat” sounds like a purposeful and controlled word. It was more like I didn’t exist and only became aware of the fact that I had a body when my ass hit the seat.

7. Frank told me to open my mouth so that he could change the gauze. I opened my eyes and vaguely noticed that we were in the parking lot of a grocery store in our town, which disoriented me because he’d just put me in the car and I didn’t think we’d moved anywhere yet. The oral surgeon’s office is an hour away in Savannah.

8. I blinked and then Frank woke me up (I’m in my bed? I always knew Frank was magic). He gave me two pills and fed me vanilla pudding. I fell sleep again.

 

THE END (of what I remember, which is nowhere near as entertaining as what really happened)

 

What REALLY happened today, with augmented details from a nurse and Frank:

3a. Nurse B said, “Okay, now I’m going to put a little something in your IV to calm you down a bit.” I felt it go to my head before she even withdrew the syringe.

3b. One of the nurses told Frank that my eyes got big and I said, “Whaaaaaaaaat the EEEEEFFFFFFF?”  Not the f-bomb. EEEEEFFFFF. At least I had the presence of mind to avoid profanity.

4. Nurse A put the oxygen/happy gas nasal cannula thingy in my nostrils and tucked the extra length of the tubing behind my ears. Then she pulled out a spongy black squarish thingy and asked me to open my mouth. She wedged it between my upper and lower teeth and explained that it would help prop my mouth open.

5a. I think maybe by then I had entered grinning idiot mode, because I almost remember saying something like, “OooooohweeethisisgoodstuffImmatakeanaaaaaap.” I have vague memories of wondering to myself if I was drooling out the right side of my mouth and not really giving a damn if I was. Someone giggled and patted me on my shoulder.

5b. I did the Cabbage Patch. And the Reebok. And the Humpty Dance. And the Wop. (How-To videos are provided for the rhythmically challenged among you.)

5c. I was drooling. Oops.

6b. Dr. Hall entered and removed my teeth. I was completely under through the whole thing, because I don’t have the slightest memory of laying eyes on her today. At last week’s consult, she told me that would probably happen.

6c. Once I started regaining consciousness, they called Frank to the back to give him my post-op instructions. He said that at some point, I told him to take a picture of me. I do not remember having this conversation. 

Two thumbs up for good drugsClearly I was high. If I weren’t, I would have told Frank to shove his phone up his butt. At the very least, I would have redistributed the gut blubber so that it smoothed into one fat roll vs. two.
Peace?

Frank said I was trying to make the peace sign, but I couldn't get my fingers to work right. He said I had three fingers up at first. I think maybe I was trying to flip him the bird.


6d. Frank and the nurse took me out a side door to help me get into the car. The practically had to carry me because I could barely support my own weight and stumbled a lot. Apparently, though, I had enough energy to sing “Feel Good, Inc” (by Gorrilaz). 

Gorillaz – Feel Good Inc download at emp3

 

6e. I sat down in the car. Actually, “sat” sounds like a purposeful and controlled word. It was more like before that, I didn’t exist and only became aware of the fact that I had a body when my ass hit the seat.

7. Frank told me to open my mouth so that he could change the gauze. I opened my eyes and vaguely noticed that we were in the parking lot of a grocery store in our town, which disoriented me because he’d just put me in the car and I didn’t think we’d moved anywhere yet. The oral surgeon’s office is an hour away in Savannah. I remember NOTHING from our ride home, not even the general sensation of transport. 

8. I blinked and then Frank woke me up (I’m in my bed? I always knew Frank was magic!). He gave me two pills and fed me vanilla pudding. I fell sleep again.


THE END. FOR REAL.

++++

Now that I am alert (mostly), I see now that I was prescribed 800mgs Motrin and Norco (which Dr. Google tells me is a delicious blend of hydrocodone [aka Vicodin], acetaminophen, and codeine.  The bleeding has stopped completely, and I haven’t felt any discomfort at all –  at least not yet, and hopefully it will stay that way. These happy pills are good; they should make little powdered packets of this stuff so that I can sprinkle it like Splenda.

Focker – OUT.

27 Comments

  1. Kristin on July 12, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    You are funny…and I think maybe still a little affected…or Doctor Google is lying to you.
    Vicodin = acetaminophen (tylenol) + hydrocodone (synthetic codeine)
    Tylenol 3 = tylenol + codeine

    Norco appears to be another version of vicodin…probably different binding ingredients so they can call it a different name.



    • Moxie on July 12, 2011 at 8:11 pm

      It is very possible that I was too blitzed to properly comprehend what I read, but what I took from the med information I read is that hydrocodone and codeine are similar, but are two totally different chemical compounds and work differently. It’s like I get good drugs plus a couple of added bonuses. Either that, or I am so eager to stay pain-free (and buzzed) that it sounds good to say that I’m getting three good pain-killers in one. Schwing!



  2. HereWeGoAJen on July 12, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    That is awesome. And I am so glad that you had him take the pictures.

    When Matt had his wisdom teeth out, they released him into my care while he was still that far out. Only, he is six foot ten inches and I am five seven. He weighs more than twice what I weigh. I almost died trying to get him to my car. The next time someone put him under anesthesia, I told them they had to keep him until he was way more awake.



    • Moxie on July 12, 2011 at 8:14 pm

      SIX FOOT TEN? Dang. I can almost picture you stumbling around trying not to let him fall!



  3. pj on July 12, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    Ohmygosh, that’s hilarious! And, I’m so sorry! That is NOT how you want to spend your break!

    You had more than one extracted? Whoa!

    I had one extracted, a while back. It’s still missing because I can’t stomach the thought of having a fake tooth screwed into my skull, and besides you can’t see it because it’s way in the back. And also, I can’t stomach spending eight grand on it! I remember being freaked out because they had moved me from the chair to a gurney without my knowing it.

    Enjoy those happy pills. 🙂



    • Moxie on July 13, 2011 at 12:38 pm

      Yup – three wisdom teeth and one really bad molar were removed. As far as the molar was concerned, I have the same idea that you do – it’s in the back, and the only person who would ever know it was missing is me. I have plenty of other teeth with which to chew my steaks. 🙂



  4. Sarahbear on July 12, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    I reckon if you can suffer through this, I can. There are quite a few hilarious videos on youtube of people after they’ve had their teeth extracted. One girl told the post-op nurse that she had 12 unicorns in Ireland and they were really rare, almost extinct. Then she started crying because she said she forgot to feed them. You should beat Frank for not video taping you doing those dances and singing. It would have made excellent blog fodder/family videos.



    • Moxie on July 13, 2011 at 12:39 pm

      At your suggestion, I looked up some of those YouTube videos! They kept me entertained…at least until the meds kicked in and knocked me out again! You can survive it! It’s been easy-peasy!



  5. Quiet Dreams on July 12, 2011 at 9:31 pm

    Wow…I hope you continue to have no pain. Enjoy those meds!



    • Moxie on July 13, 2011 at 12:42 pm

      The pain meds are GREAT. I kissed the bottle last night before I went to bed.



  6. Amelia on July 12, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    That? Is awesome. You must be great fun at parties.



    • Moxie on July 13, 2011 at 12:41 pm

      The funny thing is that unless I am with a group of friends who I feel REALLY comfortable with, I’m the quiet person in the corner who waits for people to come talk to her. Weird, I know.



  7. Alexicographer on July 12, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    Yay!

    I think this leaves me glad I relied on just novacaine for my wisdom teeth.

    But I enjoyed your post and am glad all went OK!



    • Moxie on July 13, 2011 at 12:40 pm

      That’s because you are boss, and I am a simpering wimp. You are my hero. 🙂



  8. StacieT on July 13, 2011 at 2:14 am

    This was hilarious! I am so glad you got pictures, too. Woohoo! (But Frank…where are the videos?! Next time she does something like this, get that phone out and video away. Think of all the money you could get from AFHV!)

    Hoping the meds keep you pain free and happy. Much love!



    • Moxie on July 13, 2011 at 12:40 pm

      The pain meds seem to be doing their job! I’ve been blissfully pain-free!



  9. a on July 13, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    Your experience sounds a bit like mine – my dad took me when I was 18. He said “you didn’t say a word all the way there (to the oral surgeon’s office) and you wouldn’t stop talking all th way home.”. I was like “hmmm – don’t remember that” – guess I had some good meds too!

    Glad to hear it went well and you’re not feeling any pain. Missing tooth spots are good places for lodging french fries.



    • Moxie on July 13, 2011 at 2:18 pm

      Ha! Yesterday before I was drugged, one of the nurses commented on how quiet I was. I told her that it was because I was so scared. She reassured me that as soon as I was dosed up, she could swing at my teeth with a hammer and I wouldn’t care. Thank God she was right!



  10. a on July 13, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Also, I had 4 molars removed with just novocain. That really sucked. The oral surgeon and general anesthesia are a much more fun combination. But, I do have distinct and clear recall (30 years later) of that particular episode of tooth removal. Twist, twist, twist, YANK! And the novocain shot in the hard palate was about the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.



    • Moxie on July 13, 2011 at 2:17 pm

      Ouch, ouch, ouch, OUCH. Your dentist was a sadist. Like that guy on “Little Shop of Horrors.”



  11. leanne on July 13, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    I, too, hardly remembered the drive home. One moment I’m getting into the passenger seat and the next we’re at Walgreen’s to pick up my pain meds.

    The most memorable part of having my wisdom teeth extracted… bawling my eyes out when I first woke up. I have no idea why. It’s not like I could feel any pain. Just a quirky reaction to the anesthesia, I guess. Or sheer relief that the extraction was over.



    • Moxie on July 15, 2011 at 11:57 am

      I think crying for no apparent reason is gangsta, too!



  12. Even When Blitzed, I am Made of the Awesome on July 14, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    […] in I'm just sayin' Nurse: Hey, there! I’m calling to check up on you and to see how you’ve been feeling since having your wisdom teeth removed. […]



  13. Lori Lavender Luz on July 15, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    So daggone funny! Love the pix. Those drugs almost make dental surgery all worth it, huh?



  14. Francis Halbert on July 19, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    I really love some of your posts, could i take component of them to my web log? regards.



  15. Marcos Schelling on July 25, 2011 at 4:53 am

    I have also thought of this subject before, however haven’t came to the result, Sigh ~



  16. […] I Showed that Tooth Extraction Who Was Boss. Sort-of […]