What is a Face You Make When You're in Pain?

When I was five-ish, I asked my mom what Grimace was and she told me he was a pickle. I believed her until I was about ten, when it suddenly occurred to me that Grimace looked more like an eggplant than a pickle. WHAT THE HECK KIND OF PICKLES HAVE YOU BEEN EATING, MOM? Nevermind. Don't answer that.

For the past six or so years, my greatest weight loss efforts have been done in conjunction with preparing for a new surrogacy journey. A lower BMI means better chances of being approved by REs and later, better chances for transfer success. With each crash ending of the three surrogacy journeys of the past few years, I have given fate/the Universe/whoever the finger by immediately dropping whatever weight loss effort I was doing and running for the first tub of ice cream I could find. And cookies. Lots of those.

I know the psychology but have been too lazy to do anything about it. Yes, I need to lose weight for general health and not just for surrogacy and blah blah blah. Whatever. DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD COOKIES ARE?

Okay, then.

There is a recurring theme here in these early days of my sparkly new blog. I am doing things for me. I’m writing for me, going gangsta and getting a tattoo for me, and now I am getting healthier for me. 

Still – that doesn’t mean I have to be enthusiastic about not kissing cookies.  I know that I will be happy in the long run when there is a one-digit number on the tag of my jeans, but I am a short run, instant gratification kind of girl. Being thin tomorrow is appealing, but not quite as much as eating cookies today. I will be writing here sometimes about the pure and utter agony that is losing weight, and I’m sure I will make the posts funny in a self-deprecating sort of way. But there will be no chipper, Richard Simmons-esque motivational platitudes or calorie-by-calorie dictations of what I ate (unless I ate cookies, because those are always newsworthy). More power to people who write about their weight loss in that way, but quite frankly, I find it a little bit creepy and a lotta bit boring when it goes down like that.

However, because the method of torture I have chosen is P90X, I will most certainly discuss some instances in which I have broken my ass and other assorted body parts. I sort-of got suckered into it. A surro-buddy of mine jumped on the P90X train a couple of years ago and had astounding results. Now she is like a chocolate Richard Simmons and sprinkles P90X glitter all over Facebook. Last week, she challenged me to do 30 days of P90X, betting that by the end of it, I would be so in love with it that I would WANT to do the last 60.

“But Latashia,” I whined, “I have seen those damned infomercials. My body hurts just watching them. I should start with something über remedial, like the gospel aerobics guy on YouTube.”

Then she did some sort of fitness leprechaun trickery on me, and the next thing I know, her copy of P90X is sitting on my doorstep.

Frank is doing it with me because he said he wants to “get my basketball legs back under me and redefine the cuts in my arms and abs.” WHAT THE HELL EVER. I hate him. He’s gained 25 lbs in the ten years that he’s been out of the Army and I’m all, “But WHERE THE HELL DID IT GO? You gain 25 pounds and it’s invisible. I gain 25 pounds and there is a small African village stuffed under my shirt.”

Today was Day 1, and the focus was on the upper body. It was tough work, but we were both able to keep up, by going at our own paces, of course. For some exercises, that meant doing only 1-3 reps when The Tony and his backup dancers were blazing through 30+. Even Frank couldn’t do more than a few reps for some moves, so I didn’t feel quite so bad when I punked out after barely squeaking through just one diamond push-up.

Afterwards, we also had to do the Ab-Ripper X routine, which is a 16-minute string of WTF? ab work. We’re not going to even discuss that one today. Let’s just say for now that I seem to have only marshmallow fluff where there should be abdominal muscles. But I got through it, for whatever it was worth. I mostly just laid on the floor, grunted, and attempted to do the ab work, but not really succeeding. Hopefully that will improve over time. I hope not to Stay-Puft forever.

Today I feel good post-work out, but I’m quite sure that was because it was an upper body day, and my upper body has always had more strength than my lower. I expect though, that by the end of the week I will wish I had a Segway to get around.

Motivation and support in any form – even the jazz hands Richard Simmons kind – is welcome. May the chipper YOU CAN DO IT chatter drown out the siren call of cookies.

20 thoughts on “What is a Face You Make When You're in Pain?”

  1. Ugh – I did a couple days of those exercises. They are so shoulder/neck-intensive and I just had whiplash, so it hurts like hell. But it’s a damn good workout, and the guy is fairly entertaining. You can do it! It’s all about build-up. My husband is determined to push me through the whole series plus the Insanity workout. I just want to sit on my fat ass. 🙁

  2. El Cinco's Gran-Gran

    Grimace; it’s what people look like after a lifetime of eating at McDonald’s!

    The real deal!
    Grimace is a large, purple anthropomorphic being of indeterminate species with short arms and legs. He is known for his slow-witted demeanor. His most common expression is the word “duh”. Originally, Grimace was the “Evil Grimace”, with two pairs of arms with which to steal milkshakes. After that first campaign, the character was revised to be one of the “good guys”, and his number of arms was reduced by two. Commercials and merchandise generally portrayed him as a well-meaning simpleton, whose clumsy antics provided a comic foil to Ronald McDonald. (wikipedia)

    I wish I had thought of this answer when you were “5-ish”. As for the answer I gave you…I remember giving it but I don’t remember why I felt he was a pickle gone rogue in the beginning because he was purple.

    I say we have a weigh in and tape measurement session and best woman wins a new outfit to fit our sexy new bodies!

    I bet if I send you that picture I have of you all muscled up when you were in high school, it will add to the motivation!

    Come Daniel, we can do it!

    1. If you send me that picture of me in a 2-piece bathing suit flexing all those muscles I had, I will cry. Give it to me after I’ve lost maybe 25 lbs. By that point, I’ll feel like it just might be possible to get down to a good size again.

      And I accept your challenge, Lady. Frank and I recorded our measurements already. 🙂

  3. Earlier this year I started the 30 Day Shred. And I thought I was going to die after day 1. I didn’t realize how out of shape I was. Though all the huffing and puffing when I would need to run to catch the bus should have been a clue. Now I’m so glad I bought that DVD.

    Also, all this weight loss talk is making me feel guilty about my plans to stop at a bakery after work to pick up tonight’s dessert. Though not so guilty that I’m not going to buy something 🙂 I still love my sweet treats.

    1. I knew I was out of shape, but I really didn’t know just HOW out of shape I was until I started this. Seriously – I thought I could get through 2 minutes of jumping jacks, and I was winded after just 30 seconds.

      Bakery…sweet treats…you know how some people pour beer on the ground in honor of someone who’s passed away? Eat an extra whateveritis you’re getting from the bakery in honor of me.

  4. Here through a link from elsewhere (mysterious, no?) and I have to say I love that your mom comments on your blog. Freaking awesome.

    So here’s what I learned. If you do more exercise stuff, and cut out cookies for a LITTLE WHILE, and change some habits (i.e. have one night where you eat vegetarian and WAY scale back your portion size), you will come to a point where you CAN have a cookie or two a DAY.

    I lost 25lbs a year or so ago when I combined weight watchers and training for a half marathon, and something happened to my metabolism so that looking at the dish of ice cream doesn’t add weight now. I can even EAT it.

    But. It did require me to spend days huffing through my runs, repeating the mantra “ice cream later, ice cream later, ice cream later.” So I’m not sure how much that helps. 🙂

    1. Welcome, Serenity!

      That helps tremendously. Frank and I went on a massive grocery shopping trip on Saturday, specifically so that we could stock the house with healthier food choices. We generally do shop with health in mind because we instill healthy eating in the kids (how’s that for not practicing what we preach?), but we doubled up on the type of stuff that I stick to when I’m on one of my weight loss kicks, since Frank is jumping on the bandwagon this time around. Portion sizes is another one of my improvement areas, and also working in more fresh vegetable. I’d rather eat a fresh cookie. Blah.

      We’re cutting cheat sweets for 2-3 weeks until we get into the groove of things, and then we’ll allow a little reward here and there. I like your mantra. Mine will be “Cookie later, cookie later, cookie later.” 🙂

  5. Weight loss is the hardest shit ever! But, you are super awesome, you always make me laugh out loud, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. So, we are all pulling for you!! You can do it!! I sucked ass at videos, I wanted to punch their smug faces. I did get a treadmill, and I ran/walked/trudged on it 20 to 60 minutes 6 days a week, and it was a miracle. I love that thing.

    1. One thing I love about P90X so far, Amelia, is that I do not want to punch their smug faces. Like you, I usually DO want to kick the TV because those fitness types act like it’s SO EASY. With these P90Xers, even though they are leaving me in the dust, they are working their asses off and are grunting and breathing heavy and acting like they might keep over if they keep going, which is EXACTLY how I feel so I don’t feel quite so stupid for moaning and making ugly faces.

      I have a stationary bike in my bedroom that I love for the same reasons you love your treadmill. Except for the past year, it’s been a convenient place to hang clothes.

  6. I’ve eaten a pickle that looks just like Grimace. I’m not kidding. My Japanese room mate gave it to me, it was a plum pickled with ginger, and it was so HOT!!! The hottest thing I have ever eaten in my life! It was the same exact color and shape as Grimace, and now I know why Grimace is named Grimace, because if you eat one of these pickles you will walk around with this pained expression on your face for a week.

  7. Another one suffering from chickenitis, otherwise known as a total chickenshit.

    I’m trying to set a world record for the most laziest person-so far so good. I’m allergic to exercise.
    You should start with something more simple…..like the jazz hands dude on YouTube. Although that might leave you winded. 😀

    Representing the ‘Lazy’ one on the donkey shirt.

    1. I’m wearing my donkey shirt right now. You WOULD want to be the one that’s right there in the middle, wouldn’t you? I think I’m allergic to exercise, too. My legs are having some sort of reaction. They don’t work much anymore. Damned Kempo-X.

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