IF YOU LANDED HERE BECAUSE YOU ARE SOPHOMORIC LIKE I AM AND GOOGLED “FARTS” AND YOU WANT TO READ ABOUT -DUH- FARTING, SCROLL WAY DOWN UNTIL YOU SEE “ABOUT FARTING.”
I have updatey type stuff to discuss first before I get to the goods.
I have been so insanely busy that my fingers are unfortunately itching to resort the overused terms of OMG! and WTF? But seriously – an epic war between OMG! and WTF? about sums it up.
It’s all good, though. This is par for the course as the beginnings of school years go. I am well, Frank is sexy, and the kids are still innocent sprites who staunchly refuse to be corrupted by the likes of me.
A few weeks ago, I was trolling around the netz for some part-time teacher-type work that I could do in my spare time (spare time. *Insert sarcastic snort here*). I ran across a job announcement for an educational software company who was looking for teachers to develop content for a new iPad app. The posting was outdated by about two months, but as they were specifically looking for an 8th grade English/Language Arts (ELA) author (among other grade levels and subjects), I went ahead and submitted my CV which outlines how kick ass I am.
Yesterday afternoon I received a reply from the project manager who, in a very professional explanation, essentially said, “OMGWTF! WE’D ALREADY HIRED SOMEONE WHEN WE GOT YOUR CV BUT NOW SHE CAN’T CONTINUE DUE TO A HEALTH ISSUE AND WE’RE UP SHIT CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE BECAUSE THE CONTENT IS DUE BY SEPTEMBER 22 SO THAT MEANS IF WE LIKE YOU AND YOU LIKE US YOU’LL HAVE 4 WEEKS TO DO WHAT WAS ORIGINALLY A 4-MONTH LONG PROJECT OMGAAAAAWWWWWD.”
We had a lovely 1.5 hour interview/information-sharing chat last night via Skype during which I geeked out on topics like the shift to Common Core curricula, pedagogy, and standards alignment. See? I really am edukated. I was tasked with producing a brief work sample to see if I really know my stuff or if I was just blowing smoke, but I was also sent a contract and we’ve already arranged a Skype training session for Saturday, so I’m almost completely sure that it’s a done deal. I finished the work sample and emailed it to her last night, and if all is groovy I will begin working immediately.
All of that is a very long way of saying OMG – I’m about to be way more busynessier. I can invent words if I want to because I’m schmoove like that.
Before I get too much busynessier, I love you so much that I wanted to talk with you and get your feedback about something very important.
Now, I am sophomoric to the degree that I find potty humor shamelessly amusing. But, I am also somewhat bipolar when it comes to what I find funny or just gross. Concerning farts, I vacillate between the extreme opposites of a pimply 13-year old boy and a lace-gloved, prissy prude.
- Crop dust a stranger in the grocery aisle with an SBD? The Funny.
- Intentionally let one rip at the dinner table, lifting up one thigh to give it room to breathe? The
- Disgusting (and you will receive a heavy side eye and maybe even be banished from the table).
- Use ridiculous slang terms for farting? The Funny.
- Use farting as retaliation in a game of teasing? The Disgusting.
Perform farting experiments in the name of science? Ohhellyesplease. Several years ago, my Black girl-at-heart best friend Becky and her family (you can read about Becky’s experiment with using my African-American hair care products on her Caucasian persuasion hair here) experimented with the lingering scent value of farts . If you ate a lot of garlic, could you A. “trap” a fart in a jar and B. identify the aromatic contents of said trapped fart. Her husband Rob ate plenty of garlic on his spaghetti one night and found himself particularly gassy. After busting several grumpies, Bec had the brilliant idea to get a mason jar, hold it to Rob’s rear, and catch his fart. After he did the deed, she quickly capped the jar with the airtight lid. A week (maybe two) later when Becky’s stepson came for his weekend visit, they had Zach – who was around 9 or 10 at the time – open the jar and take a big whiff. When he did, he crunched up his nose and said, “OH, GROSS! It smells like…like…like a GARLICKY FART!,” to which Becky and Rob lost it. Hypothesis – validated.
So – farts are funny. BUT! I will not, CANNOT fart in the presence of anyone, not even Frank. I have let the man swipe a booger on the sly if we are out in public and I keep missing it myself, and he’s tended to pregnancy-induced hemorrhoids on more than one occasion. You’re welcome for that visual. But fart? I wither from embarrassment if I even imagine it. In my last post, 25% of you who voted said that I was stupid for not farting in front of Frank. I tend to agree with you, but that does not motivate me to unclench my butt cheeks.
Your turn; what is your stance on farting? Attack this one from any angle: farting in the presence of your significant other? Public farting? Funny or not funny? Have any good euphemisms for farting?
*Oooh – I just got an email from the project manager. I’m hired. Now I have until September 22 to write the equivalent of about 50 mini-lessons and approximately 1,100 test questions/exercises. Word.