The Fart Game

IF YOU LANDED HERE BECAUSE YOU ARE SOPHOMORIC LIKE I AM AND GOOGLED “FARTS” AND YOU WANT TO READ ABOUT -DUH- FARTING, SCROLL WAY DOWN UNTIL YOU SEE “ABOUT FARTING.”
I have updatey type stuff to discuss first before I get to the goods.

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PEOPLE.

I have been so insanely busy that my fingers are unfortunately itching to resort the overused terms of OMG! and WTF? But seriously – an epic war between OMG! and WTF? about sums it up.

It’s all good, though.  This is par for the course as the beginnings of school years go. I am well, Frank is sexy, and the kids are still innocent sprites who staunchly refuse to be corrupted by the likes of me.

A few weeks ago, I was trolling around the netz for some part-time teacher-type work that I could do in my spare time (spare time. *Insert sarcastic snort here*). I ran across a job announcement for an educational software company who was looking for teachers to develop content for a new iPad app. The posting was outdated by about two months, but as they were specifically looking for an 8th grade English/Language Arts (ELA) author (among other grade levels and subjects), I went ahead and submitted my CV which outlines how kick ass I am. 

Yesterday afternoon I received a reply from the project manager who, in a very professional explanation, essentially said, “OMGWTF! WE’D ALREADY HIRED SOMEONE WHEN WE GOT YOUR CV BUT NOW SHE CAN’T CONTINUE DUE TO A HEALTH ISSUE AND WE’RE UP SHIT CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE BECAUSE THE CONTENT IS DUE BY SEPTEMBER 22 SO THAT MEANS IF WE LIKE YOU AND YOU LIKE US YOU’LL HAVE 4 WEEKS TO DO WHAT WAS ORIGINALLY A 4-MONTH LONG PROJECT OMGAAAAAWWWWWD.”

We had a lovely 1.5 hour interview/information-sharing chat last night via Skype during which I geeked out on topics like the shift to Common Core curricula, pedagogy, and standards alignment. See? I really am edukated. I was tasked with producing a brief work sample to see if I really know my stuff or if I was just blowing smoke, but I was also sent a contract and we’ve already arranged a Skype training session for Saturday, so I’m almost completely sure that it’s a done deal. I finished the work sample and emailed it to her last night,  and if all is groovy I will begin working immediately.

All of that is a very long way of saying OMG – I’m about to be way more busynessier. I can invent words if I want to because I’m schmoove like that.

Before I get too much busynessier, I love you so much that I wanted to talk with you and get your feedback about something very important.

ABOUT FARTING

Now, I am sophomoric to the degree that I find potty humor shamelessly amusing. But, I am also somewhat bipolar when it comes to what I find funny or just gross. Concerning farts, I vacillate between the extreme opposites of a pimply 13-year old boy and a lace-gloved, prissy prude.

  • Crop dust a stranger in the grocery aisle with an SBD?    The Funny.
  • Intentionally let one rip at the dinner table, lifting up one thigh to give it room to breathe?  The
  • Disgusting (and you will receive a heavy side eye and maybe even be banished from the table).
  • Use ridiculous slang terms for farting?   The Funny.
  • Use farting as retaliation in a game of teasing? The Disgusting.

Perform farting experiments in the name of science? Ohhellyesplease. Several years ago, my Black girl-at-heart best friend Becky and her family (you can read about Becky’s experiment with using my African-American hair care products on her Caucasian persuasion hair here) experimented with the lingering scent value of farts . If you ate a lot of garlic, could you A. “trap” a fart in a jar and B. identify the aromatic contents of said trapped fart. Her husband Rob ate plenty of garlic on his spaghetti one night and found himself particularly gassy. After busting several grumpies, Bec had the brilliant idea to get a mason jar, hold it to Rob’s rear, and catch his fart. After he did the deed, she quickly capped the jar with the airtight lid. A week (maybe two) later when Becky’s stepson came for his weekend visit, they had Zach – who was around 9 or 10 at the time – open the jar and take a big whiff. When he did, he crunched up his nose and said, “OH, GROSS! It smells like…like…like a GARLICKY FART!,” to which Becky and Rob lost it. Hypothesis – validated. 

So – farts are funny. BUT! I will not, CANNOT fart in the presence of anyone, not even Frank. I have let the man swipe a booger on the sly if we are out in public and I keep missing it myself, and he’s tended to pregnancy-induced hemorrhoids on more than one occasion. You’re welcome for that visual. But fart? I wither from embarrassment if I even imagine it. In my last post, 25% of you who voted said that I was stupid for not farting in front of Frank. I tend to agree with you, but that does not motivate me to unclench my butt cheeks.

Your turn; what is your stance on farting? Attack this one from any angle: farting in the presence of your significant other? Public farting? Funny or not funny? Have any good euphemisms for farting?

*Oooh – I just got an email from the project manager. I’m hired. Now I have until September 22 to write the equivalent of about 50 mini-lessons and approximately 1,100 test questions/exercises. Word. 

27 Comments

  1. Heather R on August 25, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    YOU CAN DOOOO EEEEET!

    I’ll never forget the first time Jase farted around me. It was an SBD and he jumped on top of my head while we were laying in his bed, the move was very much like him throwing himself on a grenade for me. He yelled, “DON’T BREATHE!!!” as he shielded me from the stench. I laughed til I cried then gave him a ton of kisses for being my hero. I knew we’d make it just because he was comfy enough around me to let one go, even if he didn’t mean for it to be bio hazardous.



    • Moxie on August 25, 2011 at 7:08 pm

      Heather, if I loved Jase before, I LOVE HIM EVEN MORE NOW.

      JASE! DO YOU HEAR ME, MAN? I FREAKIN’ LOVE YOU!

      I love you too, Heather.



  2. Pam on August 25, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    OMG, the stories I could tell. I have married into a family who are loud and proud of their farts. They boast about them, how well/fast they can clear a room. And omg, they are NASTY! Truly oderific. And this isn’t just the siblings (and really it’s just V and his younger brother) but my SIL, and my nephews too! There are times my BIL will comment on his 4yr old’s farting prowess. So, I have to say I have had to up my game. I can compete with the best of them if necessary. 😉 Maybe that’s why they have ASS in their name. 😉

    The worst is in car farting and not saying anything! V claims he does, and usually he has, but if I don’t take the window down, I’ll asphixiate. I believe he would say the same about me. V is guilty of in store SBDs and then moving away leaving the next unsuspecting soul to find it, and sometimes that’s me! I guess I’m guilty of it too.



    • Moxie on August 25, 2011 at 6:47 pm

      “Maybe that’s why they have ASS in their name.” I LOST IT when I read this!

      That “not saying anything” thing – YES! Frank gets me like that a couple times a month. We shower together more than we do alone, and he’s good for getting in first and letting out an SBD just as it gets all steamy in there. Will he forewarn me and tell me to wait until it clears out? NO. When the smell hits me and my nose crunches he up starts in with his dastardly Scooby-Doo-like giggles. Dork.



      • Pam on August 25, 2011 at 8:49 pm

        ROFLMAO – I told V the gist of your post and then read him my comment. I then read him your reply. Besides us both laughing his response was “I love Frank”. I don’t play favorites. I love both you guys. 🙂



  3. Luke on August 25, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Farts have always been an important part of my life due to the fact that in school i was sharing a desk with “THE” guy. I liked him. Really. He was disgusting with dirty hands and hairs, and farting like a maniac all day long. Plus it was fun to get drunk with him. Amazingly he managed to get a girlfriend for 2 months.

    The smell wasn’t a problem for us since we were always strategically planning our position in the class according to wind currents.



    • Moxie on August 25, 2011 at 6:43 pm

      Luke, that’s hilarious! I had a character “THE” guy in my freshman physical science class. He was nice and as a person I liked him, but we also sat strategically according to whether the teacher’s desk fan was set to a stationary position or on oscillating mode.



  4. Balancing Act on August 25, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    You are totally lame for not farting in front of Frank, LAME!!! We have no problems letting it out in front of each other.

    Here are some names from the Codeman: crop dusting, dutch oven, lumpy farts, one sneak cheek.

    I find farting disgusting in the bedroom, and have been known to give a swift kick or punch to C, especially with a fan blowing it towards my damn face. DISGUSTING! Public farting is a no-no, for sure.



    • Moxie on August 25, 2011 at 6:41 pm

      Carrie, I’ll have you know that when I read your two comments, I was sneak-reading when I was at the BoE for some Social Studies training. I BARELY was able to contain the giggles. You win the fart name game. Ass flapper? One sneak cheek? Lumpy fart? THE BEST.



  5. Balancing Act on August 25, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Here is a longer list for you: barking spiders, ducks, anal whistling, ass flapper etc



  6. leanne on August 25, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Now I don’t go around farting in front of my husband on my purpose, but it does happen. And usually I’ll warn and apologize: “I just tooted — I’m sorry!” When my husband farts, he’ll say it was the cat though we both know differently (and he continued to say this even during the three year period we did not have cats).

    So how have you avoided it so far? Try to hold them in? Run out of the room (or perhaps casually walk out of the room as if nothing is about to happen)? Inquiring minds want to know 🙂



    • Moxie on August 25, 2011 at 6:38 pm

      HAHA! You sound like my mom. She never means to fart in front of us, but when she does, she always looks shocked and will say something like, “Oops! Ohmygoodnessyouguys, I just farted.” The funny thing is that she usually drops SBDs, so she could probably get away with us not knowing about it (or at least blame it on Chanel or Dani) if she hadn’t outed herself.



  7. Mrs. Gamgee on August 25, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    Barking spiders is a family favourite. Otherwise, just the usual ‘polite’ terminology… floof, toot, etc.

    Because I deal with IBS, I had to get over my shyness about farting in front of my Beloved early on. I think the first time was in the car… I apologized profusely prior to, and afterward, but it was nasty. Somehow he didn’t ask for the engagement ring back.

    I’m generally of the opinion, that whenever possible, one SHOULD excuse themselves to another room when they feel the presence of the barking spiders, and let them bark away in private. However, there are the rare occassions don’t allow for privacy or when you just know it would be crazy-ass funny to just let ‘er rip.

    The menfolk in my family have a different opinion, and many a wrestling match, tickle fight, and general disagreement have been ended by someone sitting on somone else’s head and letting fly. There is one notable story where my uncle was trying to fart on my dad’s head and ended up having to make a mad dash for the washroom to check his shorts.



    • Moxie on August 25, 2011 at 6:36 pm

      One sister has ulcerative colitis and constantly runs to and from the bathroom. The other just runs to and from the bathroom – if we’re lucky. Between the two of them, I am ALWAYS diving for cover. I completely agree with you – if you CAN excuse yourself before dropping a nuclear bomb, please do.

      OMG – that is NASTY abt your uncle and the sharted shorts!



  8. Amelia on August 25, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    I’m pretty sure my inlaws are rotting on the inside, because of this, not only do their farts cause potential death, their BURPS DO TOO. It’s beyond comprehension. Being stuck in the car with the lot of them is a constant test to my gag reflex. But, on the plus side, I was able to get over my farting fears, and just let them rip. I have to say, my belly thanks me.



    • Moxie on August 25, 2011 at 6:30 pm

      Their BURPS? That’s brutal. I don’t know if I will EVER be able to get over my farting fears. My sisters actually tell me they’ll PAY ME to let one fly. Can’t do it.



      • Amelia on August 26, 2011 at 3:44 pm

        It’s beyond awful, I want to die. I highly recommend it, gas pains? A thing of the past!!!



  9. Sarahbear on August 25, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    It all depends on the situation. I think I started farting around Chad pretty early in our relationship. I try to be discreet about them usually, especially if I’m getting a massage or something. Most of the time we just warn each other and apologize. He’s particularly fond of making me get the ‘laughing farts’ where I fart, he cracks a joke about it, and continues to keep me laughing which pushes out more farts and more jokes.



    • Moxie on August 25, 2011 at 6:28 pm

      “The laughing farts” HI-LAR-I-OUS.



  10. Tisha on August 25, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    Given that my husband and I met in the hospital whilst we were both in the military, neither of us have ever had an issue with farting in front of each other. I did, however, apologize profusely on our one year anniversary when I puked on his feet in the shower.

    When I was in boot camp, there was one girl who let one rip in the middle of an inspection. It was both loud AND deadly–and resulted in a lot of punishment for everyone, since none of us could keep a straight face. Those who weren’t wincing from the smell were laughing from the noise.



  11. a on August 26, 2011 at 12:26 am

    Yeah, I have a lot of gas, and it is foul. It’s especially bad when my hernia is acting up. And even if you try to be subtle, someone in my house is always yelling “Eeeewwww! Who farted?” So now, I just let it fly.

    Congrats on the new part time job!



  12. St. Elsewhere on August 26, 2011 at 9:16 am

    FART!

    Farting seriously?

    DH and I usually torture each other with the Caught you kind of looks when either of us catches the other doing the deed. So if he has caught me once, and I get to catch him do it, it is like an aha moment.

    The person who really embarrasses me in the fart department is my dad – he has a whistle fitted somewhere in the bowels. It has to be loud and clear all the time. He does not even apologize, rather he muses, ‘it won’t smell/ nature made me do it’ and it drives me mad.

    Congrats on getting the job!



  13. Melody on August 26, 2011 at 9:44 am

    I am fing dying about the garlicky jar fart. So I guess you can see where I fall on the spectrum. Seriously– almost crying in my office.

    My dad calls it stepping on a frog. I call pooping “talking to the spirit.” This is because I’m somewhat irreverent now but went through a religious phrase and attended a church where they sang a song that went something like “every time I feel the spirit moving I will pray.” So when I feel the spirit moving, I go pray to the porcelain god. So my girlfriend now calls farts “the holy ghost.”

    But I accidentally farted audibly in the bathroom stall next to a coworker yesterday and was MORTIFIED.



  14. Lori Lavender Luz on August 26, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    OMG/WTH, I didn’t think your post could get any better (congrats on the new shabbizziness) but these comments have me ROFLMAO!

    I have no stories. I don’t fart.

    Ummm….don’t verify that with anyone who’s ever lived with me, K?



  15. Sarahbear on August 26, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    I feel that I needed to add that this morning Chad woke me up and said ‘You just farted.’ To which I apparently replied ‘Sometimes people fart, Chad.’ and then said ‘Did you really just wake me up to tell me I farted?’ — I don’t remember this, but he thought it was hilarious and teased me all morning about being a sleep farter.



  16. Gigi on August 28, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    These comments are hilarious… & CONGRATULATIONS on being hired!!! And for Apple no less!! I look forward to your posts, though, so please try to make time for us 🙂

    Re: farts, better out than in is what I always say. I love windy days because if I’m in public & gotta de-gas I try to do it in the breeze. It confuses my victims, they might not know where it’s come from or who to blame. However, I always whisper ‘excuse me’ though because after all I do have some home training. Then I giggle.



  17. Heather on August 31, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    I just found your blog recently and love it! So first comment here, and of course it’s about farts 🙂

    I was pregnant with my first daughter, probably around 34weeks. My husband and I were in the kitchen making our lunches, getting ready for work. He was standing about 2 feet away from me and I let an SBD (Silent But Deadly) out, he didn’t immediately say anything so I just let it go (why bring it up if no one is bothered?). He then looks up and goes, “Whoa, did you fart?!”. I looked at him all pissy and said, “I CAN’T HELP IT! THIS KID IS KILLING ME WITH GAS!”. I was ready to throttle him. He looks at me with the deer caught in the headlights gaze and says, “Oh, no I’m glad it was you. I thought MY fart smelled that bad and I was worried something was wrong with me”. He had totally farted at the same time as me and MY fart overpowered his!
    HOLY crap we both bust out laughing and pregnancy makes me laugh harder than ever. I think we laughed for a good 10 mintues (still do when we talk about it).