Bullets Are for Gangstas – Episode 1

Every once in a while, I have so much random ish to say that I can’t figure out how to work it into a cohesive flow. That’s where my bullet posts come into play. I’ve done it a few times before over the years, and idiot that I am, I’m just now cluing into the fact that I could let bulleted posts be a category of their own. I tend to drop some funny shit in my bullet posts (at least I think it’s funny), so they deserve some props. ‘cuz every Gangsta needs some good bullets. This is the first official Bullets Are for Gangstas post.

  • Apparently, I am a dumb ass. I thought that the Aiming Low post about my boobs wasn’t scheduled to go up until tonight. It actually went live last night. As promised, I’ve included a picture of Frank with my bra on his head. Humor and a sexy man – it’s a win-win situation. Please click over and tell me about your boobs in the comments over there. Yes, I asked you to tell me about your boobs. Word.
  • I am deeply disturbed by this commercial:

Nevermind the fact that this is a whole body made entirely of people. I can appreciate the computer-editing-photography-camera-genius skills necessary to pull this commercial off. But just whose bright idea was it to make someone’s ass be the nose? Something about that is just … WRONG in ways that I can’t easily clarify. Asses and noses don’t usually go well together. No one wants to be a kissass brown-noser, and most people don’t literally want to have their nose in someone’s ass. It’s almost like this commercial is subliminally giving me the message that these cars smell like shit, which totally would not make me want to run out and buy one.

I mean, the point of the commercial – which was to make Toyota Priuses (Prii??? What the hell is the plural of “Prius”?) memorable – was almost lost on me. When I went to find the commercial on YouTube, I knew it was an advertisement for a car, but I couldn’t remember which one. I had to call Frank up at home and ask, “You know that commercial with that guy’s ass as a nose? Which car is that advertising?”This is consumer feedback, Toyota. For like – FREE. Asses and noses don’t match.

ALTHOUGH – TOYOTA, OH GREAT MAKERS OF THE PRIUS – if somehow you guys want to pay me with a free car to tell the world how great the Prius is, I will say that this commercial is worthy of a Gangsta endorsement. Actually, you don’t even have to give me a whole car. I’ll take like, a paid ad in the sidebar. Maybe even just a comment so that I can brag that SOMEONE IMPORTANT AT TOYOTA READ MY BLOG POST. I’m just sayin’.

  • Another advertising campaign which has me slightly making the yuckface:
Dave's Hon 'n Juicy

credit-Wendys.com

Really, Wendy’s. REALLY? I love a hot ‘n juicy cheeseburger as much as the next diet-fakin’ carnivore, but I just don’t notice the word “cheeseburger’ when I see DAVE’S HOT ‘N JUICY. All I can think is, Dave’s hot ‘n juicy what?” Because cheeseburgers are THE LAST thing that come to my mind when you use the words “hot ‘n juicy” in conjunction with a person’s name. To make matters worse, that spatula looks like a paddle, and the awkward positioning of Dave’s left hand makes me think of a dirty old man whose Viagra is working overtime. Please rethink this, Wendy’s, because Dave was a genteel fella whom I always admired. He went back to school to get his GED in 1993, well after he’d earned his millions. As an adoptee, he also helped to improve the public image of adoption with his Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. Dave deserves better, dontcha think?

  • Beavis and Butthead made their grand return to MTV last night. You watched, didn’t you? I watched it twice last night. If you want to buy me anything for Christmas or just because you think I’m freaking amazing, I will take Beavis and Butthead stuff. Either that, or an assortment of stupidly funny t-shirts.
  • I have a closet full of funny t-shirts, but I am badly in need of some new ones. If anyone wants to send me some free shirts, I will gladly pimp your shirt biz here. I’m an easy Gangsta like that. *cough*BustedTees*cough*
  • Finally, I have two Gangstas who so graciously offered to guest post here for me next week. I’m still looking for takers, if you’re interested! Hit me up in the Contact page up there and/or leave a comment if you’d like to post here next week. You can even do it even if it’s mostly in the interest of shameless self-promotion.

    To Julie G. – I totally get how busy you are, because HELLO – I’m living it, too. The door to The Smartness is open whenever you’d like to drop some knowledge and/or humor here. My crib is your crib. Word.

DUECES, Gangstas.

7 Comments

  1. Shelli on October 28, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    I actually thought Dave was holding a sharpened meat cleaver, and that coupled with the tag line made me think… Is this a Halloween theme, or a sadistic criminal?

    Toyota commercial – took like 5 views to figure out they were people. I have such bad vision I thought it was some huge stuffed animal. Until a dude fell off the arm. Then I was more disturbed than intrigued. The ass and nose just seals it.

    Of course I watched Beavis and Butthead. My husband and I giggled so much I thought I might pee my pants. Heh heh heh heh.



  2. anymommy on October 29, 2011 at 12:35 am

    Oh I totally watched Beavis and Butthead and I laughed. That nose is disturbing.



  3. En Cinco's Gran-Gran on October 29, 2011 at 7:54 am

    The Toyota commercial was creepy to me and yes, the nose for the butt is disturbing. It’s ironic that you posted about this because I LOOKED UP the making of the damn thing. For you viewing pleasure, here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qOCto-X6FE
    (cut and paste to the browser)

    HEY MOXIE: How do us Gentle Readers do the “all you have to do is click here to see the video or thread” thing?

    OMG!!!! As for the Wendy’s poster… I did not see THAT until you pointed it out. All I use to see was sweet Dave. Maybe there is some Baby Mantha (SITC) in you on the DL.



  4. En Cinco's Gran-Gran on October 29, 2011 at 8:24 am

    As for Beavis and Butthead: If you weren’t so intelligent while in your second set of “formative years”, Beavis and Butthead would have been restricted viewing in my crib.

    Nuff said about that.



  5. Mrs. Gamgee on October 29, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Those toyota commercials weird me out! Don’t get me wrong, I love our Prius, but if those commercials were all I had to go on about it, I never would have bought it!



  6. Chickenpig on October 30, 2011 at 12:24 am

    I totally thought that Dave was wielding a clever. Your comments about the Wendy’s and Prius commercials almost made me pee my pants 🙂

    I hate that Prius commercial. It is sooooo creepy. And that was before you pointed out the butt-nose connection. Eeeeew…. Now that you’ve pointed that out to me I will never be able to NOT see nose as butt butt for nose again.



  7. Bullets Are For Gangstas – Episode 2 on November 16, 2011 at 9:55 am

    […] Bullets Are for Gangstas, I'M JUST SAYIN', Baby M, SOS-Save Our Baby M, The Minions Did you miss Episode 1? There is scintillating reading in there about ass noses and other stupid ad campaigns. I am too […]